Joining Accounts - Feelings

amh04 · January 2012

So FI and I are going to be joining accounts soon either right before the wedding or right after.
Now.. FI is super smart with his money. He's really budget minded and knows what purchases to make and when. Just overall really money smart.
Me on the other hand.. I had to learn the hard way. We'll just say that. But, I've busted my butt for the money I earn. I'm smart, but I like to spend, I like to shop.

So... I'm feeling a little anxious about sharing accounts. It's not something I disagree with, and it makes sense to share them. But.. it makes me really anxious. Like I almost feel like I'm 'losing' my savings and money. Or like I'm 'losing' my financial freedom. I'm not sure why I feel like this, I trust FI completely, especially with money. But - I'm just really anxious about this.

Any one have any advice? Thoughts? How did you feel about joining account (if you joined accounts)?

Edited for spelling

CAB1217 · January 2012

I totally get how you're feeling. I felt/still kind of feel the same. I am scared I am going to use his money, and that is loan money, so even more reason to feel that way. I am still waiting until I change my name before I get on his account, to avoid any more issues I am already having with getting married. I just kind of see it as, don't spend more than you were already used to spending. Like nothing has changed, and it should be ok. If your FI is good with money, he will probably treat this in the same manner. I know my H will be careful with what comes in on my end. I just think eventually, you just get used to it.

ggirl2001 · January 2012

H and I both have separate checking accounts that our paychecks go into, and then we have a joint checking and savings account that we put money in too. That is for food, rent and other bills. We are responsible for our other debt, but we help each other out as needed. It's basically all "our" money but we like having separate accounts.

crownsuperstar · January 2012

AMH- I have felt the same way. We have not yet joined our accounts yet since we got lazy and didn't do before he left. We will be joining our accounts when he gets back. We will likley move all of our money into the USAA bank system since I am with a credit union (big old hassle when I have to deposit stuff) and he is with one of the really large banks that I am not crazy about.

I am scared that when he gets back that I will have to quit my job and there for becoming dependent on him until we move and I find another one. I don't know why I have this fear. I guess it is because I have worked forever and I like to have a pay check. Does that make any sense at all?

I do think that we will have fund for house hold stuff and then a "fun stuff" fund just to help budget.

firsttimersluck · January 2012

Understandable. We joined our accounts a couple years ago, so it's been a while.. but we set it up so we wouldn't be able to "judge" each other's spending habits.

Our Set Up:

We have a joint checking/savings account that the big pool of money goes into. (and credit card) with that we buy groceries, gas, coffee, date nights, bills, etc. Then we both have a personal checking account attached to the joint account. I can't see his and he can't see mine. We allot ourselves a particular amount of money per month as our personal "play money" with which we can do whatever we want. He has no say in my personal checking, and I have no say in his.

It works out so great. We never argue about money. He wants a new schnazzy monitor, he saves up his personal play money. I want a new lululemon sweater, I use my account. It works well. It's also great because if I want to buy him something special, he can't see my account to know, like he could if I were to buy him something with the joint checking.

Whatever way you decide to set up your finances, really talk it out and see what's best for the two of you. Make sure you each know your strengths and weaknesses. It'll be fine

tyleet87 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-accounts-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:45614522-c1a2-4af9-91c1-dd0f151fc096Post:438acbdb-04fd-409d-b1a8-8aa460662f38">Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]Understandable. We joined our accounts a couple years ago, so it's been a while.. but we set it up so we wouldn't be able to "judge" each other's spending habits. Our Set Up: We have a joint checking/savings account that the big pool of money goes into. (and credit card) with that we buy groceries, gas, coffee, date nights, bills, etc. Then we both have a personal checking account attached to the joint account. I can't see his and he can't see mine. We allot ourselves a particular amount of money per month as our personal "play money" with which we can do whatever we want. He has no say in my personal checking, and I have no say in his. It works out so great. We never argue about money. He wants a new schnazzy monitor, he saves up his personal play money. I want a new lululemon sweater, I use my account. It works well. It's also great because if I want to buy him something special, he can't see my account to know, like he could if I were to buy him something with the joint checking. Whatever way you decide to set up your finances, really talk it out and see what's best for the two of you. Make sure you each know your strengths and weaknesses. It'll be fine :)
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

Ooh I like this idea! Too bad we probably won't ever share an account because we have different banks and neither of us want to switch!

amh04 · January 2012

I am SO relieved to know I'm not alone or weird for feeling this way.
FTL - I love that idea!
Crown - I know exactly what you mean with the paycheck thing.

I know FI has his one account set up to pay all of our bills out of, which FSIL is the Branch Manager of (so it's nice being able to call someone and have it fixed right away). And then I have my Navy Fed account, and FI has several other saving accounts.
I guess I just feel like...I've worked so hard to get myself financially stable, and I love that. I just don't want to feel like I'm dependent on him, or like all my money disappeared if that makes any sense at all. We generally agree about everything money related, but I'm still really just anxious about it. I'm not sure if its the judging how I spend my money, or the feeling of 'losing' all my savings.. I don't know... It's kind of difficult and I feel like its a Taboo topic people don't talk about.

kara811 · January 2012

Amh: It's okay to feel the way you do, I know I have and still do at times mainly because I haven't worked in a while and felt like I wasn't contributing anything. H has always been very good when it comes to money and I have grown up a bit spoiled so I didn't really know much about saving, although I have learned a lot from him.

H and I joined accounts right before we started planning our wedding, it made planning/making payments easier on me since he was in Japan the entire time. At the time we had joint checking account and credit card. After we got married, became joint on everything else like savings and money market accounts. I had 2 other bank accounts, 1 of which I closed and the other I still have opened which we might make into a joint account too, since it's a larger bank than Navy Fed.

If we are making big purchases, for example something worth a few hundred dollars, we discuss it with each other first. We also tell each other about our daily purchases with our credit card(we use it for everything), this way there is no confusion when we check our accounts. Like some of the ladies said, whatever it is you choose to do, make sure you discuss it and it is what you would like to do. Joint accounts don't always work well for every couple, H and I are a bit old school and believe in "What's mine is yours and vice versa."

firsttimersluck · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-accounts-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:45614522-c1a2-4af9-91c1-dd0f151fc096Post:e59fcf96-9105-47e1-9bca-c263cf0ab544">Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings : Ooh I like this idea! Too bad we probably won't ever share an account because we have different banks and neither of us want to switch!
Posted by tyleet87[/QUOTE]

<div>I had wellsfargo because they give special privledges to Starbuck's employees.. but It was an easy and no-brainer decision to switch to his bank because he had USAA and I loooove USAA so so much! I used to have AFCU (Army's Credit Union). They were great, but nothing compares to USAA :] </div>

kyrgyzstan · January 2012

I'm the budget nazi, and H and I really struggled initially (before we were married, but when we moved in together) when we joined accounts.

We have multiple accounts, through USAA and NFCU. I have at USAA, a personal separate checking and a personal separate savings. Our main joint account (H's direct deposit) is also at USAA. H also has a personal separate checking. Every paycheck (bimonthly for him, weekly for me), money goes into our separate personal accounts and we use it however we want. At NFCU, we have a joint checking (where my direct deposit goes) a joint savings, and H has a separate personal checking (only because his allotment goes to it for his car, and he doesn't want to deal with closing it. We will when his car is paid off this spring.

I will say that I'm so glad we combined when we moved in together, because it was rough going, lots of arguments about him buying monsters or whatever. Now, the separate fun $$ saves us, because I don't have to see it. And we do NOT have overdraft protection, as I would be livid if a pointless purchases + huge fee came from joint, rather we both keep track of what we have. Both USAA and NFCU make it easy with phone apps, and H manages to keep track on deployment.

Irishcurls · January 2012

Yup we do it like FTL, and it works out well because my H is a super bizarre (IMO) color coded saver, down to every freaking penny. I'm financial sound for sure, but am not super concerned with rounding my restaurant tabs up to the whole dollar, if you know what I mean. I was very upfront with him about the things I spend my money on, and he was too. We've also been paying bills together for a year and a half, but it's the "personal" stuff like Firsty said--new yoga pants are a need, I dont care what he thinks. But it comes out of "my" money, like his video games come out of his.

Personally, this was the only way we both felt in control of our own money, even though it's all largely in one pot. I don't ever want "permission" from my husband to buy a pair of shoes, it's just not how I roll. Now, debt, large purchases, things for the household of course are discussed but neither of us wanted the other complaining aobut the funny money stuff, so it's totally individual.

It takes time to get used to though, like everyone said. Just be honest with each other about what your expectations are, where the major monthly purchases are coming from, how much you'd each like to ideally save over the year etc. No one's perfect but as long as he's clear and you're clear, you can do it!

shan87 · January 2012

AMH I feel you 150% about the joint savings and feel like you are loosing all your money. H added me to all his accounts and I added most of my savings to his. Although I'll be honest I kept a % of my savings for fun money and emergency I can survive if anything happened with H since I am not working. H didn't like that I kept a small portion to myself but he gets it. I haven't been able to find a job thus I am not contributing to our expenses and I hate the feeling that he is taking care of it all. On the other hand H loves providing, he has been looking forward to it his whole life.

I have heard of couples keeping what they had before the marriage in their own personal accounts then start to contribute to the new joined ones after they get married. Perhaps that's an option for you. At any rate I would have the conversation with your H and share your feelings/concerns with him.

calindi · January 2012

We do something similar to FTL, except we're both on all accounts in case we need something or an emergency or if FI is unable to be reached (as we know happens pretty frequently with the military - we had a bad experience during OCS where he wouldn't have gotten his loans had I not been on all his banking information and had POA).

So we have 3 checking accounts - mine, his, and ours. We have 1 savings account currently, but will be opening another for various reasons. We're both on all accounts. The 3 checking are all with USAA now (previously with Wells Fargo). We can both see all accounts, but we tend to not ever check the other's account out of a respect for privacy. It makes transferring money around really easy.

My paycheck gets direct deposited into my checking, all his loans and military payments go into his checking. We agree how much we're each going to spend (right now, we split all expenses - rent, utilities, etc. - and each pay for our own phone, mine's more expensive so I pay a bit more). He pays all our bills from the joint account and tells me how much to put in it each month. To keep track of what I owe him, he sends me an email (even if we're sitting right next to each other) with the total amount, and when I reimburse him, I reply to the email saying, "Done". This way we have a clear account of when we've paid each other and for what. Usually he'll just pay all monthly bills, then put a short list of what I owe him for each, and gives me a total amount which I transfer. We do the same for groceries.

With savings, the one savings account we currently have is for him to study for the bar this summer. After he's done, it will become our emergency account, where we hope to save up equivalent of 3 months' income. Then we will keep that account the same - it will always be easily accessible, and always with at least 3-4 months' income. We will then open a second (and maybe third) account to save for specific things, and will transfer a specific amount in each month automatically. For example, a car fund so we can fix and replace our cars as necessary, and a house fund to buy a house one day and for repairs and upgrades, and a 'baby fund' to save for having children and all the expenses therein.

Danidawn20 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-accounts-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:45614522-c1a2-4af9-91c1-dd0f151fc096Post:dbc3ca94-8ef1-4b44-a2de-06d2d956a289">Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]H and I both have separate checking accounts that our paychecks go into, and then we have a joint checking and savings account that we put money in too. That is for food, rent and other bills. We are responsible for our other debt, but we help each other out as needed. It's basically all "our" money but we like having separate accounts.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

I like this idea. I might have to talk Fi into this.

Beachy730 · January 2012

H and I have completely joint finances.

When we originally set up our accounts with NFCU we had intentions of also having separate accounts for fun money. But H left for deployment so soon after moving here that we never set it up that way. H's separate checking account has an allotment go to it for his car payment, which has an automatic deduction. It's just easier to keep it that way then it is to change it. My account isn't used for anything at all and is pointless to have.

H is better with money than I am, but we are both good about talking to each other before we buy things. He is more of a saver than I am, which is a good thing. It was weird to get used to at first because I was independent for so long and would buy what I wanted when I wanted. But it definitely keeps us from spending unneccessarily, and is allowing us to buy a much nicer house than we could have if we weren't being as good as we are.

calindi · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-accounts-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:45614522-c1a2-4af9-91c1-dd0f151fc096Post:2e185424-9da4-406d-9d74-8d165bdca10f">Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]H and I have completely joint finances. When we originally set up our accounts with NFCU we had intentions of also having separate accounts for fun money. But H left for deployment so soon after moving here that we never set it up that way. H's separate checking account has an allotment go to it for his car payment, which has an automatic deduction. It's just easier to keep it that way then it is to change it. My account isn't used for anything at all and is pointless to have. H is better with money than I am, but we are both good about talking to each other before we buy things. He is more of a saver than I am, which is a good thing. It was weird to get used to at first because I was independent for so long and would buy what I wanted when I wanted. But it definitely keeps us from spending unneccessarily, and is allowing us to buy a much nicer house than we could have if we weren't being as good as we are.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

Yep, my FI is way more of a saver than I am, though we both like to splurge once in awhile. He's just better at being disciplined and only splurging when it fits the budget. For example, he has a few thousand that are saved up for paying rent while studying for the bar. Well, now we don't have to pay rent as we'll be living with my parents. If it were just me, I likely would have spent it on a vacation (or half of it at least, and felt like I was being good by not spending it all). However, he's convinced me that we cannot touch it until we save at least that much MORE money so we have an emergency fund. It makes so much sense, I'm just not as disciplined about it on my own!

LuluP82 · January 2012

Before we were married, we lived together for 2 years, and during that time, we had a joint checking for house expenses, but kept all our other accounts separate. Our paychecks were deposited in our individual checking, and we each put X amount in the joint account for joint bills.

After we got married, we switched it up. We now have one main joint checking account, where everything gets deposited. We also have several other accounts, but they're all joint. It's so much easier, I think, to just have the joint accounts. We have automatic bills and transfers set up out of that account to go into several different savings accounts. We charge everything to a CC we pay off every month for the points, except for some cash purchases.

We are really open about $$$, and talk about it constantly. We have similar priorities and spending patterns, so it's never an issue for us-- neither one judges (if anything we're awful enablers ). The biggest downfall we see is that it's super hard to surprise each other now since everything is joint and open, but, like Kara, we're very "what's mine is yours" and for us, it would feel like my money/your money if we had the accounts separately.

It was weird at first, but we got used to it very quickly. It's just easier for us to budget and organize with everything being joint

calindi · January 2012

Holy crud, Lulu, only a month left?!!! How're you feeling? I feel like your pregnancy has flown by, though I know I don't really KNOW you per say, so I hope it's been as quick for you!

amh04 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-accounts-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:45614522-c1a2-4af9-91c1-dd0f151fc096Post:444f9aa0-2dab-4dd2-8b46-865500e8bd07">Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings : Yep, my FI is way more of a saver than I am, though we both like to splurge once in awhile. He's just better at being disciplined and only splurging when it fits the budget. For example, he has a few thousand that are saved up for paying rent while studying for the bar. Well, now we don't have to pay rent as we'll be living with my parents. If it were just me, I likely would have spent it on a vacation (or half of it at least, and felt like I was being good by not spending it all). However, he's convinced me that we cannot touch it until we save at least that much MORE money so we have an emergency fund.<strong> It makes so much sense, I'm just not as disciplined about it on my own!
</strong>Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Thats how I am. It's not that I don't want to save, I just am pretty bad about spending. And I never really spend it on nonsense crap either. I talked to FI and we're going to sit down tonight and create a budget and discuss how everything is going to work out. I already know what accounts are going to be for what, but it'll be nice to see how it all works out smoothly. It'll be a good time to disucss how I'm feeling about it all as well.

I think what it may boil down to is that my dad used to tell me how to spend my money, and really controlled my money until I was about 17. I rebelled, stumbled, and then I've gotten back on my feet. So - I think in a sense maybe I don't want to feel like FI is telling me how to spend my money. I don't think he would, but I don't want that feeling - if that makes sense. ( I wouldn't ever ask FI if it's okay to buy something like pants or shoes - the bigger stuff, yeah, but that stuff no. )

firsttimersluck · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-accounts-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:45614522-c1a2-4af9-91c1-dd0f151fc096Post:110d86ec-a82f-4bd9-a1c5-a78ce39b39a3">Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]Yup we do it like FTL, and it works out well because my H is a super bizarre (IMO) color coded saver, down to every freaking penny. I'm financial sound for sure, but am not super concerned with rounding my restaurant tabs up to the whole dollar, if you know what I mean. I was very upfront with him about the things I spend my money on, and he was too. We've also been paying bills together for a year and a half, but it's the "personal" stuff like Firsty said--new yoga pants are a need, I dont care what he thinks. But it comes out of "my" money, like his video games come out of his. Personally, this was the only way we both felt in control of our own money, even though it's all largely in one pot. I don't ever want "permission" from my husband to buy a pair of shoes, it's just not how I roll. Now, debt, large purchases, things for the household of course are discussed but neither of us wanted the other complaining aobut the funny money stuff, so it's totally individual. It takes time to get used to though, like everyone said. Just be honest with each other about what your expectations are, where the major monthly purchases are coming from, how much you'd each like to ideally save over the year etc. No one's perfect but as long as he's clear and you're clear, you can do it!
Posted by Irishcurls[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>bahahah that's how we are. We have a special financial Excel spreadsheet that breaks down every single thing we spend (jointly.. like I said our "play" money is personal and not seen to the other person, in case they are surprises :P ). We save every receipt and put it in there to watch our spending trends over weeks/months/years. Preetttty anal.. I guess that's what happens when both people in the rela are mathy haha

</div>

Zimsgirl · January 2012

FI and I have access to each other's accounts but they're not combined yet. He called corporate of our bank and I guess it can't be done til we're married or something. I was anxious too because he makes more than me and I felt like I was going to spend his money. He has always been like it's our money towards our home and everything. He put me at ease about it and I'm getting my credit cards paid off so I shouldn't have debt and will continue to contribute

Irishcurls · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-accounts-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:45614522-c1a2-4af9-91c1-dd0f151fc096Post:18dfec4f-a6fc-4de3-9ba8-e1c9b7a9a3a9">Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings : bahahah that's how we are. We have a special financial Excel spreadsheet that breaks down every single thing we spend (jointly.. like I said our "play" money is personal and not seen to the other person, in case they are surprises :P ). We save every receipt and put it in there to watch our spending trends over weeks/months/years. Preetttty anal.. I guess that's what happens when both people in the rela are mathy haha
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]
Ok all three of you are silly losers then :)

Beachy730 · January 2012

Yeah we use Quicken, which breaks down everything we spend and how. H took the time to set everything up, and it's nice because he has it set to debt pay off and it tells us what to pay on which accounts based off interest rates and stuff.

firemedicrr · January 2012

I'm super late, but just feel like being lame-o and posting anyway

I am a better budgeter than FI. I actually know what I spend and how much is in my account to a fairly close estimate (and if I don't it's always more money in the acct than I thought, never less). Because I'm the one in the relationship who isn't deployable ever, and I have a better handle on my finances, we decided that I would manage the money and budget, but both feel it's important for each of us to have an "allowance" out of our income that we can spend on whatever we want- going into a separate account. We want to be able to buy each other things, and get smaller items without having to bother the other person. I think this means something different to every couple. Our agreement is that if we want something that exceeds our spending money for the month, we have to discuss it OR save up for enough months to buy it, at which point it's fair game.

FWIW, we also are structuring our finances such that our recurring expenses are covered with his income, and mine is split into savings and investments and then whatever "projects" we want to do/allowances (30 percent to savings, 30 percent investment, 30 percent projects or allowances, 10 percent tithe basically). Our plan is that any major purchases other than real estate would be bought outright out of what we had saved out of my money (like new cars, etc) so that we don't increase our revolving debt, making it more comfortable to live on FI's income. We both feel it is important to a man to be the provider, and it's also nice that I would have the option of not having to work once we have kids because my money isn't essential to our daily living, if that makes sense.

LuluP82 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-accounts-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:45614522-c1a2-4af9-91c1-dd0f151fc096Post:ea12c0ba-e58d-4cd5-a918-ff6cedef5de3">Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]Holy crud, Lulu, only a month left?!!! How're you feeling? I feel like your pregnancy has flown by, though I know I don't really KNOW you per say, so I hope it's been as quick for you!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Hey!
I know, it really has flown by. It's so strange! I can't believe there's only a month left, but it's also getting real and scary now :) Hope you're doing well!

LuluP82 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-accounts-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:45614522-c1a2-4af9-91c1-dd0f151fc096Post:108cb75c-3f95-46ed-9218-785757503308">Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings : Thats how I am. It's not that I don't want to save, I just am pretty bad about spending. And I never really spend it on nonsense crap either. I talked to FI and we're going to sit down tonight and create a budget and discuss how everything is going to work out. I already know what accounts are going to be for what, but it'll be nice to see how it all works out smoothly. It'll be a good time to disucss how I'm feeling about it all as well. <strong>I think what it may boil down to is that my dad used to tell me how to spend my money, and really controlled my money until I was about 17. I rebelled, stumbled, and then I've gotten back on my feet. So - I think in a sense maybe I don't want to feel like FI is telling me how to spend my money. I don't think he would, but I don't want that feeling - if that makes sense.</strong> ( I wouldn't ever ask FI if it's okay to buy something like pants or shoes - the bigger stuff, yeah, but that stuff no. )
Posted by amh04[/QUOTE]

This makes total sense. I had a joint account with my dad until, oh, this week (we closed it because they figured out I was no longer a student and started charging for it). At this point, it was mostly only gifts (dad would transfer in $$ and call and say hey, Happy Birthday, take yourselves out to dinner) though it was really handy for the wedding expenses. But throughout college and law school, it was my bank account, and even though a lot of it was my money that I earned, dad could see it. I had to keep it that way as my parents generously paid for many of my expenses while I was in school, so that was how I got my rent/food money. He never controlled it or touched it, he would just ask me about certain transactions. I appreciated it sometimes, since he'd check it daily and so a few times caught bad transactions, but after I opened different accounts when I started working, I felt so liberated about not having anyone check on my spending.

But having H is totally different-- different relationship, different dynamic. I don't ask him for permission to do anything- heck, I bring in the exact same amount of $$$ he does each month, it's definitely "my" money too. But we do discuss purchases and expenditures. Usually it goes like this-- ME: "Honey, I'm thinking of getting a new pair of jeans this month." H: "Ok." I like it, because sometimes it makes me think twice about buying stuff-- especially important with the baby, since there's just so much baby stuff out there, it makes us think twice.

LuluP82 · January 2012

And sorry, promise it's the last I'll add to this dead thread

You might want to start out with the three account scheme, and keep your savings separate. It might ease you into it. I know if we'd joined everything straight away, I would have been freaked, too. It helped that we spent 2 years with having a "house account", my account, his account.

You could earmark your different savings accounts for different things. Like, his could be your emergency fund and yours could be your house fund or whatever you're saving for, but you could keep it as is while you get used to the idea.

calindi · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-accounts-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:45614522-c1a2-4af9-91c1-dd0f151fc096Post:f112e0df-359b-4181-832c-c01c27df258b">Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]And sorry, promise it's the last I'll add to this dead thread :) You might want to start out with the three account scheme, and keep your savings separate. It might ease you into it. I know if we'd joined everything straight away, I would have been freaked, too. It helped that we spent 2 years with having a "house account", my account, his account. You could earmark your different savings accounts for different things. Like, his could be your emergency fund and yours could be your house fund or whatever you're saving for, but you could keep it as is while you get used to the idea.
Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]

I think this is a great easy starter program! Similarly to what you said about your Dad, FI can see my expenses but never judges what I spend my money on. Only once I told him that I had dug myself a credit card hole (since I was unemployed for 4 months) has he taken a more active role in helping me budget, but we figure out how much I can allot to different categories - on a monthly basis: rent, health insurance, medical expenses, household expenses, clothes, and 'fun money'. On a weekly basis: food & gas. Having them budgeted out in that way helps a lot, as I don't see a surplus of money in my account and go, "Goody, I can go out to eat!" rather I know that it isn't part of my "fun money" so it stays put - it means I end up with more money in the bank at the end of the day, and never have to worry about overdrafting.

amh04 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_joining-accounts-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:45614522-c1a2-4af9-91c1-dd0f151fc096Post:f112e0df-359b-4181-832c-c01c27df258b">Re: Joining Accounts - Feelings</a>:
[QUOTE]And sorry, promise it's the last I'll add to this dead thread :) You might want to start out with the three account scheme, and keep your savings separate. It might ease you into it. I know if we'd joined everything straight away, I would have been freaked, too. It helped that we spent 2 years with having a "house account", my account, his account. You could earmark your different savings accounts for different things. Like, his could be your emergency fund and yours could be your house fund or whatever you're saving for, but you could keep it as is while you get used to the idea.
Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]

I really like this idea. I definitely think that would make me feel less anxious about it all. And I really like the idea of having a seperate account tied to the joint for fun money like FTL suggested as well. Definitely something worth talking about and discussing for sure.

Joining Accounts - Feelings

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