Future mother in law hates me!

greenturtlelove · November 2010

OMG, my boyfriend proposed tonight and when we went to tell his parents and mom statred crying!!! She said we're too young and are moving too fast and I must have done donething to convince him to marry me,WTF?? But when your in love you don't want to wait anymore right? What can I say to convince her that since the wedding isn't going to happen right away and my parents are paying for EVERYTHING anyways than she should just butt out?

marinabreeze · November 2010

Just out of curiosity, how old are you and your FI?

Everyone is different. I'm 29, and I have known people who have gotten married young. Some have divorced, and it has worked out very well for others. In retrospect, I am glad that I didn't marry young. I enjoyed myself a great deal as a single person, and I got a chance to find myself and define who I was without being part of a pair. More importantly, I got a chance to experience a lot of things in life, some good, some not-so-good, but it all helped me to mature as a person. I think that experience is helpful in my current relationship with my FI.

I will say this. I think it will be helpful to at least consider where your FMIL is coming from. Maybe your FMIL thinks that her son should experience life and mature before settling down and getting married. Or alternately, maybe it's a big change and she isn't ready to let go of her son yet. That is a big change, not only for the two of you but for the families as well.

I would suggest that you take a step back, along with FI, and allow her to come around. I know you're hurt that she didn't have a "happy" reaction. At the same time, the attitude of "forget her, it doesn't matter what she thinks, she should butt out" is not super mature, either. She's not just whoever, she is your FI's mother. Meaning that most likely she will not go away, she'll be around for some holidays, reunions, time with your future kids, etc. You'd be well served to give her some time for the sake of keeping peace...after all, she'll be family.

mysticl · November 2010

Your parent's paying means that she doesn't really get a vote in color schemes or favors. She still gets to have an opinion on if she thinks her son getting married is a good idea or not. I have to ask. How old are you?

bethsmiles · November 2010

How old are you? How long have you been dating? Her concerns could be valid. Why the rush?

melissamc2 · November 2010

I looked at your other posts.

You met, and started dating, 6 months ago. (I don't normally "judge" based on length of time together at ALL, but when you put it with the following...)

In one post you said the date is set for July 14, 2012.

Your profile says July 14, 2013 as your wedding date.

You wanted to actually go physically look at dresses the day after getting engaged for a wedding that is 2-3 years away.

There is the possibility that his Mother doesn't "hate" you, but rather really loves her son and doesn't want to see him rush into something with someone who is overzealous about it all.

Sure, we all got excited when we were first engaged - that's a natural response. I can't say that I necessarily agree that setting a date within minutes of getting engaged, joining a wedding site and posting about the proposal within a couple of hours of it happening, and planning to run out to a bridal salon the next day to look for a gown that you won't be wearing for years is natural, however. Don't get so caught up in "wedding" that you forget about the marriage aspect of it.

Take a step back. Enjoy being engaged. Get to know one another better without the pressure of wedding planning. Talk about it together before letting the rest of the world in on it, and realize that if you ARE truly still "young," his Mom (as well as yours, I'd hope) will have pretty strong opinions on it that, ideally, really do have your best interests at heart.

Good luck.

greenturtlelove · November 2010

We are both 18 and are adults now so I don't see the problem, we aren't kids anymore. I accidentally picked 2013 and I don't know how to change it, we are getting married in 2012. I don't see why I can't get a dress now or at least try them on I'm excited about getting married and having a big party isn't everyone?

tldh · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:b81a7800-3225-4ec1-913d-4e2d6257e36c">Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]OMG, my boyfriend proposed tonight and when we went to tell his parents and mom statred crying!!! She said we're too young and are moving too fast and I must have done donething to convince him to marry me,WTF?? But when your in love you don't want to wait anymore right? What can I say to convince her that since the wedding isn't going to happen right away and my parents are paying for EVERYTHING anyways than she should just butt out?
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

JIC

Cynthia1207 · November 2010

Ok usually I'm not one to judge based on age, lenght of time dating, etc but in this case I think your MIL is right. 18!?! are you serious? You're not even of legal age to drink yet and you want to get married??? And based on what melissamc2 said that you wrote down you guys have been together for 6 months only...

Here's my opinion take it or leave it:

You are too young to fully appreciate what marriage is and demands. You've been together for 6 months. Yes when you are 23-24-25-26 and over you can say with a certain certainty that you do want to marry that person when you've been with them for only 6 months. You've had other serious relationships to base your judgement on. Dating high school kids (because yes teenagers are still very much kids) and dating men are 2 very different things.

At 18, you have a lot of time to change. Change your perspective on life, career choices, appearance and especially love. You will mature in the coming years and you might not ''love'' your boyfriend anymore because you want something different. That's normal. Do you really want to put an end to it now? If you ask me whether or not I would marry the guy I was with when I was 18 my answer would be HELL NO! At that time, my answer might have been different.

Love is a beautiful thing but should never be taken for granted. Give yourself time to make mistakes, have fun and just enjoy your time together. There's absolutely no rush to get married. Yeah weddings are exciting but there's a hell of a lot more to it than just the wedding.

tldh · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:3179b537-efdb-4198-afff-1f2665cfe6e8">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]We are both 18 and are adults now so I don't see the problem, we aren't kids anymore. I accidentally picked 2013 and I don't know how to change it, we are getting married in 2012. <strong>I don't see why I can't get a dress now or at least try them on I'm excited about getting married and having a big party isn't everyone?
</strong>Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

I think most of us were excited about getting married and starting our lives with our husbands. I laid low for a while after we got engaged. I didn't do anything to plan for the wedding until about 7 months before we got married.

You will not understand what I'm about to say for another ten years so you're going to have to take my word for it. The person you are at 18 is not the same person you are at 25. I shudder to think at what my life would have been like had I married my boyfriend at 18 (and I was in college at this age) with whom I was totally in love.

There is something to be said for standing on your own two feet and learning how to take care of yourself before you get married. Being totally independent gives you something that you aren't going to get living with mom and dad and then living with your FI. It makes you acquainted with real life and forces you to address situations without blaming anyone but yourself for them and it makes you find your way out of them. It makes you a stronger marriage partner.

I know of one couple who dated as teens and have a good marriage but they also waited until they were 26 and 27, out of college and settled into their careers before tying the knot.

Just because you are legally an adult, doesn't mean you are mature enough to make a lifelong commitment. Science has proven that the human brain doesn't fully develop until the mid twenties which explains the sometimes irrational behavior of teens that sends parents over the edge. At 18, you don't have the information about life that you need to make a decision about your life partner. Love is great, but it alone cannot hold a marriage together. Sorry but your FI's mother is right here.

trix1223 · November 2010

Greenturtle: I've never yet met an 18 year old who "knew" that they were now adults and could make their own decisions. It's also terribly common for 18 year olds to know that this relationship is THE ONE! And then they experience life, and find out that life changes, relationships change, they change.

If, as you assume, this relationship is THE ONE, what's the hurry? Why not complete education beyond HS and develop skills that will allow you to support yourselves?

Why not live on your own, finding out what it means to pay bills: lots of bills, and learn how to live on a budget?

Why not think about life after a marriage, instead of thinking of the party, and the dress, and the flowers?

I have to tell you, I've been MOG and MOB. I would have reacted exactly as your FI's mom did had my son (or DD) come to me at age 18 and said they were engaged. I would have done everything in my power to change their minds.

When my children did come to tell us they were engaged, they both had college degrees. They both were in careers. They had both experienced living on their own and managing their own finances. They were, in fact, adults.

Sorry, but IMO, if your age still ends with the suffix "teen" you're simply too young to be engaged/married.

kd.joseph · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:db4d2aeb-feb7-4e80-9598-134796fd58f0">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future mother in law hates me! : I think most of us were excited about getting married and starting our lives with our husbands. I laid low for a while after we got engaged. I didn't do anything to plan for the wedding until about 7 months before we got married. You will not understand what I'm about to say for another ten years so you're going to have to take my word for it. The person you are at 18 is not the same person you are at 25. I shudder to think at what my life would have been like had I married my boyfriend at 18 (and I was in college at this age) with whom I was totally in love. There is something to be said for standing on your own two feet and learning how to take care of yourself before you get married. Being totally independent gives you something that you aren't going to get living with mom and dad and then living with your FI. It makes you acquainted with real life and forces you to address situations without blaming anyone but yourself for them and it makes you find your way out of them. It makes you a stronger marriage partner. I know of one couple who dated as teens and have a good marriage but they also waited until they were 26 and 27, out of college and settled into their careers before tying the knot. Just because you are legally an adult, doesn't mean you are mature enough to make a lifelong commitment. Science has proven that the human brain doesn't fully develop until the mid twenties which explains the sometimes irrational behavior of teens that sends parents over the edge. At 18, you don't have the information about life that you need to make a decision about your life partner. Love is great, but it alone cannot hold a marriage together. Sorry but your FI's mother is right here.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

AMEN!

I also tip my hat to Trix.

[Deleted User] · November 2010

Trix is wise.

And I agree, if you still have "teen" in your age, you're not adult enough to get married.

marissa_claire · November 2010

Is this real life?

greenturtlelove · November 2010

I guess I can see what your saying about the age thing, but I just KNOW you know? I just wanted her to be happy for us and was sad that she's not as excited as we are. We do plan on living together first, thats why we're waiting until july 2012 and not this july.

tldh · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:fa39095c-0282-444c-ac44-56f9af10ebb0">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]Is this real life?
Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

Click on the magnifying glass and follow her posts. It's interesting to say the least.

greenturtlelove · November 2010

I don't understand, is there a fake life?

marissa_claire · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:890bd244-745d-42ab-b3c3-c2cd979fc173">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future mother in law hates me! : Click on the magnifying glass and follow her posts. It's interesting to say the least.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

<div>Check out SB right now, homie.</div>

ichellemay1 · November 2010

I agree with PP about marrying this young. If I had married the guy I was with at 18 - oy. You are planning a long engagement and that is a good thing. Just take your time.

trix1223 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:b81a7800-3225-4ec1-913d-4e2d6257e36c">Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]OMG, my boyfriend proposed tonight and when we went to tell his parents and mom statred crying!!! She said we're too young and are moving too fast and I must have done donething to convince him to marry me,WTF?? But when your in love you don't want to wait anymore right? What can I say to convince her that since the wedding isn't going to happen right away and my parents are paying for EVERYTHING anyways than <strong>she should just butt out?</strong>
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

And there, in a nutshell, is why you are too young to get married. This is the mother of the man you **think** you love. This is the woman who will be, if the marriage lasts, be in your family for a long, long time. This is the woman who will be the grandmother of your children.

Yeah, it's a GREAT idea to tell her to butt out. And it's clearly the mindset of a child.

greenturtlelove · November 2010

You don't have to be mean, I'm not a child. And I don't **think** I love him I KNOW. Maybe saying "butt out" was the wrong wording and I'm sorry if it came off wrong.

AutumnFair · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:39711a1c-5f77-4c53-adaf-bbfdca9a62b2">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I can see what your saying about the age thing, but I just KNOW you know? I just wanted her to be happy for us and was sad that she's not as excited as we are. We do plan on living together first, thats why we're waiting until july 2012 and not this july.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

<div>Basically, you can't make a person feel the way you want them to. She has every right to be concern and not excited. The best thing you can do is avoid wedding talk (unless she asks) and show her that you are mature enough to marry her son.</div><div>
</div>

purplepeopleeater11 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:39711a1c-5f77-4c53-adaf-bbfdca9a62b2">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I can see what your saying about the age thing, but I just KNOW you know? I just wanted her to be happy for us and was sad that she's not as excited as we are. We do plan on living together first, thats why we're waiting until july 2012 and not this july.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

Ok, I'm not going to try to change your mind, or bash you or anything...just going to try to give you some examples from my own life.

I am COMPLETELY different from the person I was when I was 18. I'm 24 now. So much has changed in my life, in my perceptions, in EVERYTHING in six years.

I totally thought I <strong>knew</strong> with my boyfriend when I was 18 too. We talked about how we would be together forever and it was all puppies and rainbows and unicorns. Well, as we aged we grew as people, and I learned that he was really a terrible human being and I am <strong>SO </strong>grateful I dodged that bullet.

So if you <strong>know</strong> that's great, but please wait. Have a long engagement. Grow up a little bit, experience things because trust me...even though you know you'll be together as the people you are TODAY, you aren't going to be the same people a few years down the line. Once you get older, experience more, etc. then you have a better idea of the person you are, the person you want to be, and the person you really want to be with.

greenturtlelove · November 2010

Thanks for the advice about not talking wedding stuff with her right away that's a good idea.

kd.joseph · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:5ac9f1c2-ee3f-49fd-9d97-4d62377fa15b">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice about not talking wedding stuff with her right away that's a good idea.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

I love how the only thing you picked to listen to out of this whole thread was this piece of advice. Believe me if this was my son, (who is 20) he would be getting an earful from me.

mysticl · November 2010

Greenturtle, I get that you "know". But like a pp said you are not yet who you will be at 25. Even though your body is fully mature and the law recognizes you as an adult your brain isn't there yet (there is scientific research to back this up). You and your FI are going to go through some personality shifts over the next 7-8 years as you become the people you will be for the rest of your lives. You may change together and like who each other ends up being or you may hate who each other becomes. If you truly love each othe then waiting won't hurt. It will only prove your committment to each other.

Of course his mother cried. She is concerned that you and her son are making a huge mistake. I wouldn't be shocked if her first thought was that you must be pregnant. If I had come home at 18 and said I was getting married my mother probably wouldn't have just cried but tried to lock me in my room.

As for living together first I really think that what you really need to do is live on your own first. You in your own place and him in his. You could each get a roommate but I think you need find out how you function on your own.

purplepeopleeater11 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:f270fb4f-a918-4d9c-b90f-b2cc1145794b">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]As for living together first I really think that what you really need to do is live on your own first. You in your own place and him in his. You could each get a roommate but I think you need find out how you function on your own.
Posted by mysticl[/QUOTE]

I think that's really REALLY good advice.

greenturtlelove · November 2010

I listened to everyone advice. We are waiting until 2012!!! We are living together first!!! I'm obviosly not pregnant cuz I would want to get married right away if that was true. Just because I disagree about being old enough doesn't mean i didn't read all the advice. I get it you think we're too young!! I plan to grow WITH my fiance I mean aren't we always changing who we are as we get older, our beliefs and stuff, its about working hard to stay together, neither one of us believes in divorce.

marissa_claire · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:95256d27-1156-46df-acfb-ee17e4fbdb66">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]I listened to everyone advice. We are waiting until 2012!!! We are living together first!!! I'm obviosly not pregnant cuz I would want to get married right away if that was true. Just because I disagree about being old enough doesn't mean i didn't read all the advice. I get it you think we're too young!! I plan to grow WITH my fiance I mean aren't we always changing who we are as we get older, our beliefs and stuff, its about working hard to stay together, neither one of us believes in divorce.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Divorce isn't Santa Claus. It's very real. There's nothing to "believe' in. If you're saying you don't think you'll get divorced, neither does anyone else who gets married. But it happens to half the people that do.

</div>

greenturtlelove · November 2010

I'm not stupid, I know divorce is real. I meant that I refuse to ever get one and my fiance is the same way, we've talked about it. I think it's really sad that so many people resort to divorce instead of working on there problems together.

marissa_claire · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:0c11ed5c-98ad-4fd6-b9be-d128053a5f65">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not stupid, I know divorce is real. I meant that I refuse to ever get one and my fiance is the same way, we've talked about it. I think it's really sad that so many people resort to divorce instead of working on there problems together.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So you're going to stay with him is he has an affair? If he develops a gambling problem? If he hits you? Divorce isn't always people giving up. </div><div>
</div>

mkrupar · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_future-mother-law-hates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:df0627de-790d-4aa2-adac-9148670e2004Post:0c11ed5c-98ad-4fd6-b9be-d128053a5f65">Re: Future mother in law hates me!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not stupid, I know divorce is real. I meant that I refuse to ever get one and my fiance is the same way, we've talked about it. I think it's really sad that so many people resort to divorce instead of working on there problems together.
Posted by greenturtlelove[/QUOTE]

Easier said than done. What if your FI "grows" into an abusive person? What if you want kids and suddenly he never wants to have them. No one ever gets married with intention that they'll get divorced. What would be the point.

Are you someone's AE or could this be MUD?? I've read your other posts and I can't believe people like you exist in this world.

Future mother in law hates me!

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