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My family sucks... for real

*Please do not quote me as I may DD later*

I received a FB message from my cousin a couple of days ago congratulating me on our engagement (which happened about 2 months ago).  She ended the message with "I WANNA be there!"

I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 2 years.  So, I sent a message back saying thanks for the congrats and "Unfortunately, due to space and budget, we are only inviting immediate family and close friends. I hope you understand.  How are things with you?"

This was the response I received:

"I can try to...but really. I will travel to. WOW! Ok I understand....once close never again apparently. Best of luck!  I'll leave it at that bc that's the worst. You've been there for several things I could ACTUALLY get in touch with you for....and always ignoring texts, emails and calls. I should have known. Once a [our last name] always a [our last name]!  You have 174 friends for a reason. No wonder [your FI] never accepted my friend (family) request. That's REAL!"

What does this even MEAN?  It's not coherent at all.  Nevermind the attacking for no reason.  And WTH does how many friends I have on FB have to do with ANYTHING??

*sigh*  I am so frustrated.  I feel like I've tried so much with my family for no reason.  They're all the same!  Honestly I have no interest in staying in touch with her.

Any advice?  Words of encouragement?  Or tell me if you think I did something wrong here, please!

IMG_6364
"Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg

Re: My family sucks... for real

  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Uuuhh...Is there a secret decoder that comes with that message?



    Were you ever really close with your cousin?

    ETA: She really should have just "left it at that..." Oy vay.
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  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011

    We were close for like a second the summer before I started high school.  We lived in different states for Christ's sake!

    And, yes, apparently we need a decoder.

    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    That's lame. Like, really really lame. I would just write back saying "I'm sorry you feel that way." and then leave it alone. Sheesh, what a sweetheart.
  • leia1979leia1979 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I don't get it.

    I really tried to comprehend it, but it just isn't happening.
  • edited December 2011
    Honesty, I'd just ignore her after that... Not worth your time!
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  • edited December 2011
    Very confusing email, not sure of her point either  That really sucks though.. I would ignore it or simply say sorry you feel that way.

    Anniversary

  • edited December 2011
    The smart-ass response I can think of (and you probably shouldn't say it) is:
    "Are you drunk? That's all I understoof from your garbled response. Thanks for understanding you immature brat."

    But really, you should probably only respond with "thank you."


    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sucks-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:1bed5d3e-30eb-469b-9062-9b73af5f9870Post:2690eadd-e1f1-4db3-8752-4799f4bc98be">Re: My family sucks... for real</a>:
    [QUOTE]The smart-ass response I can think of (and you probably shouldn't say it) is: <strong>"Are you drunk? That's all I understoof from your garbled response. Thanks for understanding you immature brat."</strong> But really, you should probably only respond with "thank you."
    Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]

    Ha.  That would have been better than what I said.  Which was:

    <div id="id.155823754505191" class="content noh"><p>"Wow. That was really childish. We are not inviting ANY cousins (and apparently for good reason). I haven't spoken to you in 2 years. I'm sorry if you think Facebook is an appropriate form of communication, but it's not. If you REALLY cared to get in contact with me for any reason, you could have always called me."

    Not the best, I know, but I was upset.  Also, I am okay with not speaking with this person again.  Lately, I have been much more open to letting go of those who do not provide substance to my life. 

    That said, I have a <u><strong>*dear*</strong></u> friend who has the belief that "family is family" and you should ALWAYS try to work it out with *family*.  I, personally, do not agree (obviously).  I feel that if you're not adding anything to my life, you shouldn't be in it.  If you are adding stress, grief, or any other negative feelings/emotion to my life on a constant basis, I do not need you around. 

    What do you all think?  Would you try to work things out with someone no matter what just because she's blood or are you willing to cut that person out?</p></div>
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    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle British Columbia member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Wow, she sounds nuts.  I honestly wouldn't even bother, regardless if they were my cousin.  I'm all for working things out with family but sometimes the situation is just too much.  I think your response was appropriate and hopefully she realizes what a crazy person she's being.
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  • edited December 2011
    Don't feel bad.  Just leave her as victim to the facebook bad grammar curse, and leave it at that.  I've had this problem with people trying to invite themselves to my wedding.  I don't get why people feel the need to do that, but I have no problem with letting them down.  If they don't take it well then I am glad that I made the decision not to invite them, as you should be too with your crazy incoherent cousin.
  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    What do you all think?  Would you try to work things out with someone no matter what just because she's blood or are you willing to cut that person out?

    I like your response :)  But seriously I was confused by the random punctuation.

    That being said I don't believe in working things out if you don't want to.  I also have a cousin who did some terrible things to me in my past.  I am still not sure how I am going to explain it to my aunt but he sure as hell isn't invited to the wedding.  It's not something I am willing to work out.  If they were close to you at one point and they are someone you want to keep in your life, sure do it but don't if they aren't.  No one should keep people around who make them miserable.

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • edited December 2011
    nope. Don't even let it get to you, not worth the time.

    Just because they're blood, doesn't mean they're your FAMILY...

    different situation, but good example: my mom and her sisters...yes, sisters... my mom's sisters got heavy into drugs/alcohol in their teens and never outgrew it or bothered to get help for it. (now in their 60's) and they were violent to my mom and my grandma and left my mom and grandma for years. They came back around the time my sister and I were born and tried to make ammends, but wouldn't give up the drugs or drinking...and it was BAD...My grandma passed away in 2003 and for the last 8 years, they've been fighting my mom, taking her to court over and over and over again over the Will.

    This cousin, doesn't seem at ALL like this, and I hope you only see that I compare in the sense that blood and family aren't always one and the same...

    I think your response to her was actually very mature and appropriate. kudos! hopefully she'll figure it out, and if not, it sounds like you have great people around you that actually support you. Smile
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  • CASK85CASK85 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    IMO, family does get a little extra wiggle room in terms of extra second chances, but there is a line and once someone crosses it I'm more than willing to cut them off, family or not. No one can tell you what your line is, but I don't believe in endless second chances just based on blood relation. Sorry your cousin is crazy! 
  • DanieKADanieKA member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That really sucks. Family drama is never fun. When she says something about never responding to calls or texts, do you know what she's talking about? I would only see what she's saying here if she's tried to keep in touch over the years and there's just been zero response. But if you haven't received any phone calls or texts or e-mails and she just now, out of the blue wants to come to the wedding and be buddy, buddy I wouldn't buy it. 

    I'm with cschiano, to me family does get a few extra chances so if the door is open for you guys to continue to talk and maybe reform a relationship (that doesn't include inviting her to your wedding as plans are set or in motion and you shouldn't have to change them if you don't want to), I'd be open to that. But if she just wants to dress up and eat on your dime, then disappear again, that's a big fat "No thanks! Best of luck to you, though!"
  • csousa1csousa1 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Honestly that response would just clinch it for me that I was right in not inviting this family member. And I would probably say as  much in my response to them.

    Who says, "I WANNA be there!"? That is just screaming pathetic.


    I'm sorry you are going through this :( Hugs! Family can be the worst....
  • polkadot111polkadot111 member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Hugs.

    Just leave it alone now. Brat.
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  • csousa1csousa1 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sucks-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:1bed5d3e-30eb-469b-9062-9b73af5f9870Post:ae1dbbef-c167-47cc-a5cf-4afed8ffee61">Re: My family sucks... for real</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My family sucks... for real : Lately, I have been much more open to letting go of those who do not provide substance to my life.  

      What do you all think?  Would you try to work things out with someone no matter what just because she's blood or are you willing to cut that person out?
    Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]


    I love that you have this outlook, it is so healthy. Being a jerk is never okay, on either side of it, but keeping toxic people in your life is just not healthy.

    Growing up I felt a lot like your friend, that family is family and you do your best to keep the peace and status quo. My mom would get stressed with family things and I would wonder why she didn't just let things roll off her shoulders.

    Then I grew up.

    Recently, one of my favorite uncles (and really, the only one I was ever close to at all until recently), made a huge misstep. I love his wife (my dad's sister), and his sons are my and my sister's ages and we all grew up like brothers and sisters. However, when this uncle told my little sister - on Christmas Eve, hours after our gandfather died - that she was going to hell because she lived with her FI before marriage.....I decided I could live without him. I dare anyone in my family to tell me that wasn't the right decision.

    Some family you just do not need. This cousin sounds like one of them.
  • edited December 2011
    EDITED: deleted me quoting you. :)

    It depends. In the case of my crazy Auntie, our relationship is tarnished, however, I won't completely cut her out for the rest of my life. In the case of my mother, I have to just deal with the fact that she is socially innappropriate and rude... and live with it by taking time and space from her when needed. She IS my mother.

    In the case of your cousin, just because she is blood doesn't entitle her to be such a brat. I'd let it go... sometimes in life you have to protect yourself from toxic people.
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  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011

    My opinion on your friend's logic...

    No one gets to mistreat you- not family, not friends, no one. No one gets to make you feel poorly. No one gets to disrespect you. No one gets to hurt your feelings. No one. Not even family. Besides- real "family" would never do that.

    For me, family doesn't mean we are related genetically. Family means a lot more then that.


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  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sucks-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1bed5d3e-30eb-469b-9062-9b73af5f9870Post:ae1dbbef-c167-47cc-a5cf-4afed8ffee61">Re: My family sucks... for real</a>:
    [QUOTE] What do you all think?  <strong>Would you try to work things out with someone no matter what just because she's blood </strong>or are you willing to cut that person out?
    Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

    No, I wouldn't.  I don't think having DNA that's slightly more similar to mine than the rest of the world gives a person the right to mistreat me.  Sometimes it's in your best interests to try to work things out with a family member simply because you're going to have to be around them at family events, but that's not always the case.

    I wrote off a family member myself a few years ago.  I realized that I wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment from friends, so why put up with it from her?

    Only you can decide, though.
  • cu97tigercu97tiger member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    My two cents... family gets a couple extra chances, but that's it. Having similar DNA doesn't get you invited to a wedding. Her response was childish. She should be more concerned with whatever the reasons are that you don't have a closer relationship to each other, rather than just being butthurt about not getting an invite.

    PS Random story... many years ago, I lived about 1000 miles from my hometown. One of my cousins was in town for a tournament he was coaching. I made plans to drive over to his hotel to meet up with him one night, maybe grab dinner, or go get some drinks. I get there, am there for maybe 10 minutes, and he's like, well, we're heading over to the KMart parking lot to smoke some weed. Do you want to go? 

    Um, no. Never smoked it, not my scene, and really? Anyway, a few months later I got the invite to his wedding. While it would have been great to see my whole family, I was so angry about his choosing to smoke dope with his buddies over hanging out with me, that I didn't go. I've never regretted it for a single second. /threadjack
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  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    This is the FB message I got from her back:

    "You're right. What I said was childish and I apologize. I'm sorry! But when I re read what you wrote you've proved friends are more important than family. Facebook connects alot of people. If you don't think it's a form of communication then you should delete your page. We haven't spoken in two years because U will not return my texts or voicemails and YES I have left you several. Awesome realizing I've lost my only (female) cousin. This whole family is falling apart because most of the family sucks with communicating. Well, know atleast I loved you enough to want to share in your joy but you've kept [your FI] SO far away from me of course you only want immediate family and "close friends." Ciao!"

    To answer Dani - she randomly texts me or emails me or sends me a message on FB, to which I do respond.  But they're never messages of any substance.  I don't really have an interest in reaching out to her, but I do respond when she messages me. 

    WTH is up with that bolded text?  I've kept my FI from her?  Such a horrible person I am to not introduce you to my (then) BF when the closest he ever lived to you was 8 hours away.  The nerve of some people...

    Thank you everyone for your opinions and feedback.  I am leaving it alone, but I am still kinda pissed about it.  Oh, and in case anyone else is keeping track of my # of FB friends, it's now down to 173.

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    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • Hazel_BHazel_B member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sorry you are dealing with this. Family can be a challenge sometimes, but I agree with pps.

    In reagrds to FB friends, obviously she hasn't seen that new Toyota Venza commercial.
  • edited December 2011
    I know you've already gotten a weird response from your cousin but do you intend on replying back? I would say not to reach back out to her at this point (I think that's what you were planning anyway since she's defriended). I'm sorry you're dealing with crazy family. I agree with PPs that family who mistreat you are not worth your time. I've cut an entire side of the family off for being awful to my mother after my father passed away. I've never looked back and it's great being surrounded by the family members who do love and respect you.
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  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Bawidget - No, I am not responding.  I'm done and going to try to let it go.  :)
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • KatyRoseMKatyRoseM member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I don't know, I give family more chances because the cost of cutting them out is often higher.  There are more people who won't cut them out that you have to deal with and so on.  Its the same for a really close and important group of friends.  Cutting out one of that type of group is hard, so I put up with more from them.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_family-sucks-real?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1bed5d3e-30eb-469b-9062-9b73af5f9870Post:665ffeb1-61be-4957-b6b2-435b6965a1d4">Re: Update: My family sucks... for real</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, and in case anyone else is keeping track of my # of FB friends, it's now down to 173.
    Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]


    LOL I would've done the same thing...noone is allowed to drag you down into their drama for even a second...ESPECIALLY if its the time of such a happy event in your life.
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