trash thread below got me thinking....

caiti2u · April 2012

So I read that thread, and I was in agreement that bride was way out of line and rude... but it got me thinking, is what I did rude?... and I know usually asking yourself that quetion should be your answer in itself.

But anyway, when meeting with my church to set up readings and documenting who's in my wedding party, etc, there was a couple spaces for assistance with moving things around after the ceremony and making sure rooms we had occupied before the ceremony were cleared out (the church has wedding ministers that help out, but they're a couple elderly ladies that can't do it all by themselves). I hadn't given this much thought before, but went ahead and asked (in person) the spouses of 2 of our bridal party to help out ( I had figured that they'd be hanging around after the ceremony while we were taking pictures before heading to reception). They both agreed...

So my question is, for those locations where people aren't officially being paid to help clean up after, what is the best way of recruiting people to help? Is there official etiquitte for this? What did/are you ladies doing if you need help? Was my asking these friends to help rude?

pokepoke27 · April 2012

I think that if you just politely ask if they will help you out with this you should be fine. But I would only ask someone that I know would tell me no if they didn't want to do it (so like, close friend).

aragx6 · April 2012

The etiquette here is pretty clear: You shouldn't ask your guests to do anything. Often people suggest hiring a couple of high school students to help. I also think that if someone offers to help it's OK to accept that, but asking someone to do this puts them in an awkward situation that can be hard to say no to. No matter how much they might like you, know one wants to do this stuff.

I would look into hiring someone now and then tell the conscripted helpers that "Thanks so much, but we are going to go ahead and pay someone to help so that you can relax and enjoy the day!"

Bkseller13 · April 2012

Get these "helpers" a nice thank you gift.

ETA: Nevermind, I like Aragx6's answer better.

lyndausvi · April 2012

I also asked a BM's husband to help with something. I also had a GM build us a canopy.

I think this is one of those things that you need to know the person. Neither one was upset or offended about us asking. It's how we roll in stuff like that. I do not have the same relationship with my other guests, so I would not even think about asking them.

deanozzi · April 2012

I have one friend who is not in my bridal party who is helping me and to thank her I am having her at the rehearsal dinner and giving her a thank you card. The stuff she will be doing will only take up 10 minutes max of her time and it is nothing that requires sweating.

I do not think it is rude at all.

pokepoke27 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trash-thread-below-got-me-thinking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:feba4983-d784-4db1-8153-8fb2d633735aPost:ddec26a0-6541-4667-a9c1-4a6359179b0d">Re: trash thread below got me thinking....</a>:
[QUOTE] I also asked a BM's husband to help with something. I also had a GM build us a canopy. <strong>I think this is one of those things that you need to know the person</strong>. Neither one was upset or offended about us asking. It's how we roll in stuff like that. I do not have the same relationship with my other guests, so I would not even think about asking them.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what I was saying. If I asked my friend to take out trash for me and she didn't want to for whatever reason she'd tell me. I wouldn't ask my cousin that I only see at family reunions. </div>

lyndausvi · April 2012

I also think part of friendship is to be able to ask your friends for help when you need it.

It's a fine line though. Asking 2 close guy friends move some chairs that will take 10 minutes is one thing. Asking a couple outside of your close circle to physically clean up from your reception is another. Asking your MOH for help stuffing some envelops is NBD. Asking your entire WP setup your entire reception is asking too much IMO.

redheadfsu · April 2012

If you already asked them and they said yes. I would give them a very nice gift.

But normally, you shouldn't ask to begin with. So yes, you were overstepping.

Kate61487 · April 2012

I'm with Lynda that I think it depends on your relationship with the people you asked.

At my brother's wedding H (then BF) was asked, along with another BP spouse, to get the BP drinks during cocktail hour and set them at the head table b/c the bar was closing for dinner and we were basically going to arrive, be announced, and then everything would start so we wouldn't get to go to the bar at all. He didn't mind at all. I guess if you have the opportunity with a few people present to say "hey would someone mind doing this....?" and letting them volunteer that would be even better, but a lot of times close friends would be perfectly willing to volunteer they just wouldn't have a clue you need that done..

kroot87 · April 2012

Etiquette dictates that you don't ask, but I do really think it depends on the relationship you have with the person you're asking, like Kate said. I'd ask a couple very close friends or my brother if I needed help with something, because I know they'd tell me no or be honest with me if I was asking too much of them.

caiti2u · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trash-thread-below-got-me-thinking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:feba4983-d784-4db1-8153-8fb2d633735aPost:bd0dd876-d42f-44a6-b31d-98cb43a7c8ee">Re: trash thread below got me thinking....</a>:
[QUOTE]I have one friend who is not in my bridal party who is helping me and to thank her I am having her at the rehearsal dinner and giving her a thank you card. The stuff she will be doing will only take up 10 minutes max of her time and it is nothing that requires sweating. I do not think it is rude at all.
Posted by deanozzi[/QUOTE]

<div>Basically, the church was asking for 2 "assistants". One, a guy to help move the bench FI and I will be sitting on up near the altar, and the other a lady who can just make sure all our stuff is out of the bridal room that we'll be getting ready before the ceremony. Like I said, both are spouses of people in our bridal party, so they're invited to the RD. I guess we could also get them a little thank you gift as well. </div><div>For the rehearsal trash, etc... we've definitely got people hired for that stuff!</div><div>
</div><div>Edit: Thanks ladies for your responses. I had thought I'd been doing so good over the past year of engangement without being a bridezilla, having major meltdowns, or stepping on toes. This is just something I hadn't thought of before. During this process, I've realized some other etiquitte mistakes I've made over the years (confession, I've been to weddings I hadn't been on invites for before... definitely regretting those ones!)</div>

aragx6 · April 2012

I just feel as though, if it's something that you can pay someone just a few bucks to do, your friends and family would rather not have to do it. So even if I'm close to someone, if I have another option, I'd rather not ask them to do anything.

And honestly, and maybe it's just me, unless I was vehemently opposed to whatever was being asked of me, I'd be more likely to say yes to a really close friend as opposed to a more casual acquaintance even if I wasn't that excited to do it, because they're my dear friend, so I'm not convinced of that reasoning.

MyUserName1 · April 2012

Those don't sound like jobs that it is out of line to request someone do. Checking to make sure you didn't leave your curling iron in the getting-ready-room isn't exactly hard labor or something you need to pay someone to do. Considering the tasks, i don't think you're out of line.

MyNameIsNot · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trash-thread-below-got-me-thinking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:feba4983-d784-4db1-8153-8fb2d633735aPost:9a530142-c6c5-4ab1-b736-875d191e3ac4">Re: trash thread below got me thinking....</a>:
[QUOTE]I just feel as though, if it's something that you can pay someone just a few bucks to do, your friends and family would rather not have to do it. So even if I'm close to someone, if I have another option, I'd rather not ask them to do anything. And honestly, and maybe it's just me, unless I was vehemently opposed to whatever was being asked of me, I'd be more likely to say yes to a really close friend as opposed to a more casual acquaintance even if I wasn't that excited to do it, because they're my dear friend, so I'm not convinced of that reasoning.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>I tend to agree with this. </div><div>
I also think it's ok to be a little presumptive sometimes with our nearest and dearest. It doesn't change whether it's rude, but more makes it an acceptable level, if that makes sense. I mean, it's rude to ask if you can be a bridesmaid, but when my sister called MOH for my wedding, I never thought anything of it. Sometimes it's ok to take liberties with people we are close to. </div>

pokepoke27 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trash-thread-below-got-me-thinking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:feba4983-d784-4db1-8153-8fb2d633735aPost:9a530142-c6c5-4ab1-b736-875d191e3ac4">Re: trash thread below got me thinking....</a>:
[QUOTE]I just feel as though, if it's something that you can pay someone just a few bucks to do, your friends and family would rather not have to do it. So even if I'm close to someone, if I have another option, I'd rather not ask them to do anything.<strong> And honestly, and maybe it's just me, unless I was vehemently opposed to whatever was being asked of me, I'd be more likely to say yes to a really close friend as opposed to a more casual acquaintance even if I wasn't that excited to do it, because they're my dear friend,</strong> so I'm not convinced of that reasoning.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, exactly. They are your very dear friends so in theory they should want to help you out if you need it. I would more than gladly do it for my friend and would hope my friend would happily do it for me. Thats the only kind of friend I would ask for this kind of help from. </div>

ceh789 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trash-thread-below-got-me-thinking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:feba4983-d784-4db1-8153-8fb2d633735aPost:9a530142-c6c5-4ab1-b736-875d191e3ac4">Re: trash thread below got me thinking....</a>:
[QUOTE]I just feel as though, if it's something that you can pay someone just a few bucks to do, your friends and family would rather not have to do it. So even if I'm close to someone, if I have another option, I'd rather not ask them to do anything.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Eh - I dunno. As someone who has been to many weddings where I had to get there early enough for minor participation in photos but didn't really have anything else to do I wouldn't have thought twice about stuff like that - and frankly would have welcomed the opportunity to have a little busy work.</div><div>
</div><div>Moving a bench and checking for left behind lip gloss are pretty easy tasks. If I had found out that the bride in a wedding my FI had been a GM in had hired someone to do stuff like that I would have been thinking - damn, girl - I'm standing around here twiddling my thumbs, why didn't you ask? I mean, if FI is close enough to be a GM - and they're getting married - presumably this is someone I'm going to become closer with if we're not close already, right?</div>

DelBride2012 · April 2012

I've had sooo many people offer to help with "anything." I have to imagine that's pretty common for others, too. I don't have any little tasks floating around undone, but if I find some I already know who I'll ask: the people who offered!

Not with clean-up though. That's more in the category of "hosting a party you can't afford."

Cortney1982 · April 2012

We aren't asking anybody. I have had people ask if they can help, so maybe I will have helpers. I totally plan on going home (I only live 5 minutes away from venue) and changing into something else more appropriate for clean up. I want my cleaning deposit back, and the only way I know I will get it back is to be there and get the place tidy myself (along with my new husband!)

trash thread below got me thinking....

Re: trash thread below got me thinking....

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