Over-reacting to FMIL?

thebeev · September 2010

When my future mother in law and I were looking at venues for the rehearsal dinner (which she is hosting) we had estimated the guest count to be around 40 people (close family members and friends). While we were looking, my FMIL told my wedding planner that money was no object, there is no limit and we booked a relatively expensive venue (per my FMIL's request). Then, when the menu and pricing came, she cut the guest list to 20 people, only bridal party and parents, no family, out of town guests, etc. I was upset because 1) my family is very important to me and if I thought that money would be an issue (which my FMIL still insists it is not), I would have chosen a less expensive place and 2) I had only wanted to invite 120 max to my wedding and she sent me a guest list of 85 people (including friends that she hasnt spoken to in 8 years)! Now my guest list is at 170 and I never said no to her but now she is going to limit me? THEN...on top of it all, 2 days after she sent me the email cutting the guest list, she sent me 10 more people to add to the wedding guest list!!!! I was VERY upset to put it lightly (crying, telling my FH that my FMIL was no longer invited, threatening to cancel the wedding, etc...a very bridezilla moment). Do I have a reason to be upset or am I over-reacting?

squirrly · September 2010

Your FI should talk to her. Ask what you can do to compromise.

squirrly · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_over-reacting-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:754d4081-deeb-4c0c-8322-1457be095705Post:8e323a8b-b32c-4ffd-ad01-38547c5e3c3f">Re: Over-reacting to FMIL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Over-reacting to FMIL? : If you and your FI don't like the RD she is willing to host, politely decline the money and pay for it on your own.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

At a certain point I agree. However, I think they might still take a shot at talking about it first.

danieliza1127 · September 2010

Family and out of town guests don't have to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. The only people that are must-haves are the wedding party and their dates, the bride and groom's parents, and anyone else involved in the actual ceremony like a reader.

If you really want to include other family and out of town guests, you could compromise by planning something yourself for after the rehearsal dinner. Maybe meet up with everyone for dessert or cocktails.

Also, as far as her adding people to the wedding guest list, whoever is paying for the wedding has the right to tell her no and cut her list.

ShanaFry · September 2010

I would politely decline the offer and plan a pizza party with everyone you want to include. Out of towners and family members will be upset with you, not with her. If she can't understand why you would want your family there then she shouldn't be hosting a party for you. I would have FI try and talk to her first. If nothing is settled just politely decline.

mica178 · September 2010

Is it too late to switch RD venues so you can invite more people?

But first talk with FI and figure out what to do about the guest list.

arv266 · September 2010

Unfortunately, I am going to have to go with overreacting, but I feel that you do have a reason to be upset.... Threatening to cancel the wedding is a bit extreme, and it really serves no purpose.

Just as your FMIL has told you to cut the guest list, you too can tell her no. You can tell her that you cannot accommodate 10 more people. But in doing so, make sure that it is not tit-for-tat. Not giving in for the sole reason of getting back at her.

As far at the RD, since she is the host, she does get the final say. There may be a financial reason that she cut the guest list -- perhaps she went over her head and realized that its not affordable, or some other financial issue came up. Keep this in mind, and realize there may be issues that influenced her decision, that you are not aware of. Keep in mind that some view the RD is for only members of the WP, and not open to other guest. I too have a big family that I am very close to, but if I invited them all to the RD, it would be like having a mini-reception before the wedding.

You can do one of two things. Decline her offer to host the RD and you and your FI pay for it, and plan it according to your taste. Accept her offer to host your WP and let her plan it.

tenofcups4me · September 2010

What do you AND FH want? Figure that out first and then he should discuss it with her. It sounds like there's still enough time for her to book someplace else that will accommodate everyone if she agrees. If she doesn't want to do that, THEN you can look at either going along with what she wants or hosting it yourselves. But certainly don't decline the offer before talking to her!

thebeev · September 2010

I asked my FI to nicely mention my concerns and he just told her that I "was upset" (this was before the bridezilla moment, when I was sane and calm), so she called to talk to me personally. I explained about my family being important to me and that there was another really nice restaraunt with reasonable prices. She said that money wasnt a problem, that the bridal party and parents only is the way it is done up north and that is how it was going to be (The wedding, my FI and I are all down south, his family is from up north). I wasnt truly upset with the guest list, just the fact that she agreed to 40 people before, then changed her mind after contracts were signed and then added more people after my FI told her I was upset (I didnt have the meltdown until after she added more guest to my list).

In response to just telling her I cant add anymore, they are first cousins that she forgot to give me when I was sending out save the dates. Now I cant cut anyone because it is rude not to invite his family but I cant cut not-very-close friends because save the dates have already gone out...see the dilemma

Also, I have decided to host a BBQ the Thursday before the wedding for all of my family and out of town guests so I will be able to spend the time with thme that I want and not stress over the RD.

FutureMrsTR · September 2010

I think the BBQ is a great idea and if you and/or your parents are paying for the wedding, then you could ask FMIL to chip in for these suprise extra guests that you have to have. I don't see how she could have forgotten some first cousins, but I guess I come from a small family, haha.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2010

The BBQ is a good idea. I'm not on board with your FMIL, but whatever.

Just make sure the WP AND THEIR DATES are invited to the RD. Otherwise, it will be really rude to exclude them.

Catwoman708 · September 2010

Yes, you are over reacting.

#1 rule: The one that pays decides who/how many are invited. If you don't like the RD FMIL has planned, you can politely decline and pay for the one you want yoruselves. Or you could simply ask if you can invite extras and offer to pay the difference.

If you and FI or your family are paying for the wedding reception, then YOU get to decide whether to invite all FMIL's extra guests or not. You can certainly refuse to invite anyone else. If first cousins are offended, then it's on FMIL for not putting them on the list sooner. But really, how likely is it all these OOT relatives from up north, or people the FIL's haven't talked to in 8 years will even attend?

It is not necessary or universally customary to invite all your close family and friends to the RD, so I don't think she's being unreasonable to put a limit on the spending. If all FMIL wants or is able to pay for is 20, that is her call. The only ones that must be included are the parents, WP, anyone who must be at the rehearsal, their spouses or SOs.

While some people will claim money is no object, they often sing a different tune when it's time to pay the bill. That's just human nature.

LP11509 · September 2010

I'm late to this, as per usual...but jumping in anyway. Honestly I think threatening to cancel the wedding was extremely immature. But, I can understand why you're upset.

We had our RD with just me/H, my/H's parents, the priest, WP, readers and interpreters (and their dates of course). Then afterwards, my parents hosted a dessert get together at their house for all of the OOT guests. We had about 70 people there (including most of the people from the RD as well). It worked out really well for us. Maybe you could do something like this?

PharmacyBride · September 2010

Leave the flip out to toddlers- you will never get any respect with that behavior- no matter how right you are.

Yes you should be upset, but talking to her is the only way to solve it (ie. nice, calm, sit down, face-to-face convo). Explain that you wanted a smaller wedding and were very flexible to accommodate her vision of the wedding; now you hope she can accommodate your vision of the RD. Be prepared to chip in money and/or change the venue.

FMIL would have to be very unreasonable to hear your concerns and not be a little more flexible- however.. if you act like you mentioned- be prepared for people to wash their hands of the situation and not want to hear you out.

Over-reacting to FMIL?

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