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Three ring circus! Sorry-kinda long

seasidebride24seasidebride24
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in Moms and Maids
Our families are turning our wedding into a circus. It is getting to be an absolute nightmare and I'm wishing more and more that my FI had agreed to us eloping. Here is the latest "fun" thing that I could use some advice on. Let me start by saying that I know you can not tell your guests who there "plus 1" can or can't be. I also know that all issues with the my FMIL should be handled by my FI, and he plans on handling this but I wanted some feedback from people who have more experience with this kind of stuff.
My FMIL has been a bit of a nightmare with pretty much everything, even before we got engaged. She is constantly overstepping and my FI tries his hardest to make this stop but she just doesn't seem to listen. And when he does get his point across she cries and apologizes, claims we are alienating her and then goes right back to doing the same thing. Since we started planning this thing she has been adamant that her 50 guests had to be included, but we wanted a small wedding of less than 75 and most of the people on her list my FI had no interest inviting. We have been upfront with her all along about the cuts that were made to her list and she has continued to push for more of "her" people (I don't know if it's relevant, but she is not paying for any portion of the wedding). We are about to send out the save-the-dates and she has started making more of an issue of the guest list. She has demanded (not even kidding) that we invite FI's great aunt, but by inviting her we would also have to invite her 3 sisters and their husbands, which also opens up the flood gate for my mom to add. Honestly, FI hasn't spoken to any of these people in over a decade and has no desire to invite them. So now she has said that if we won't invite the great aunt then she will bring her as her guest. I am kind of horrified by this, since I think it is rude to the great aunt (sorry, you weren't important enough to get your own invitation?!?) and to the other great aunts who will not be attending. My FI is pretty upset with her and doesn't know what to do anymore.
So, now what? Do we just let her do as she pleases or should we at least let her know how we feel about? 
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Re: Three ring circus! Sorry-kinda long

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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_three-ring-circus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:58153cc7-d43b-42d4-94c9-c7994c22b33fPost:65a3dbd6-0f37-4622-84e7-cf84988f4a43">Three ring circus! Sorry-kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Our families are turning our wedding into a circus. It is getting to be an absolute nightmare and I'm wishing more and more that my FI had agreed to us eloping. Here is the latest "fun" thing that I could use some advice on. Let me start by saying that I know you can not tell your guests who there "plus 1" can or can't be. I also know that all issues with the my FMIL should be handled by my FI, and he plans on handling this but I wanted some feedback from people who have more experience with this kind of stuff. My FMIL has been a bit of a nightmare with pretty much everything, even before we got engaged. She is constantly overstepping and my FI tries his hardest to make this stop but she just doesn't seem to listen. And when he does get his point across she cries and apologizes, claims we are alienating her and then goes right back to doing the same thing. Since we started planning this thing she has been adamant that her 50 guests had to be included, but we wanted a small wedding of less than 75 and most of the people on her list my FI had no interest inviting. We have been upfront with her all along about the cuts that were made to her list and she has continued to push for more of "her" people (I don't know if it's relevant, but she is not paying for any portion of the wedding). We are about to send out the save-the-dates and she has started making more of an issue of the guest list. She has demanded (not even kidding) that we invite FI's great aunt, but by inviting her we would also have to invite her 3 sisters and their husbands, which also opens up the flood gate for my mom to add. Honestly, FI hasn't spoken to any of these people in over a decade and has no desire to invite them. So now she has said that if we won't invite the great aunt then she will bring her as her guest. I am kind of horrified by this, since I think it is rude to the great aunt (sorry, you weren't important enough to get your own invitation?!?) and to the other great aunts who will not be attending. My FI is pretty upset with her and doesn't know what to do anymore. So, now what? Do we just let her do as she pleases or should we at least let her know how we feel about? 
    Posted by seasidebride24[/QUOTE]

    Stick to your guns on the guest list.  You told her how this was going to go down so now you have to be sure to follow through.

    As you stated, you already know that you cannot tell her who she can and cannot bring.  As long as you cut by circles (immediate family invited bu no one else) it's not rude to the Great Aunt. 
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the PP. Don't give into her. If she were helping pay for the wedding it would be different but since she isn't there is no reason to give into her.


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    seasidebride24seasidebride24
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    edited December 2011
    Definitely not giving in to inviting the extra guests.  FMILs plan is to invite the great aunt as her "plus one" to get around the fact that we are not inviting her directly.  I think this is rude to the great aunt and her sisters who will not be attending since we aren't inviting any of them (just like it would be rude to invite the one great aunt and not the others).  The questions I was trying to ask after all the background information and venting are: Should we speak up and let FMIL know our feelings about her bringing the great aunt as her "plus one" or do we keep quiet?  How do we handle potential issues from other family members who aren't invited but would be included ahead of the great aunt if we had a bigger guest list (all his side)? How do I handle my mom who wanted to invite members of my family that are closer relation than great aunt?
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    gailpetegailpete member
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    edited December 2011
    Do you have to give fMIL a plus one?  I would think if your guest list is so restrictive there is no need to give anyone a plus one unless they are married, engaged, living together or involved in a committed relationship.  I'm guessing the great aunt doesn't fall into these categories.
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If his mom chooses to bring his great aunt as her plus one then there really isn't anything you can do about it. Its not rude on your or your FI's part in anyway. I think you should just keep quiet about it.

    People are going to realize that you did not invite his great aunt, she is the guest of your FMIL. You really shouldn't have the problems you are talking about. If anyone asks just say your FMIL chose to bring her as her plus one and leave it at that.


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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_three-ring-circus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:58153cc7-d43b-42d4-94c9-c7994c22b33fPost:3e5f9290-fd14-4716-ac8e-82edebdd351f">Re: Three ring circus! Sorry-kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Do you have to give fMIL a plus one?  I would think if your guest list is so restrictive there is no need to give anyone a plus one unless they are married, engaged, living together or involved in a committed relationship.  I'm guessing the great aunt doesn't fall into these categories.
    Posted by gailpete[/QUOTE]

    The parents always get a +1 if they aren't married.
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    seasidebride24seasidebride24
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_three-ring-circus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:58153cc7-d43b-42d4-94c9-c7994c22b33fPost:9924c478-2858-499f-af2f-2e77cd1fd4e0">Re: Three ring circus! Sorry-kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]If his mom chooses to bring his great aunt as her plus one then there really isn't anything you can do about it. Its not rude on your or your FI's part in anyway. I think you should just keep quiet about it. People are going to realize that you did not invite his great aunt, she is the guest of your FMIL. You really shouldn't have the problems you are talking about. If anyone asks just say your FMIL chose to bring her as her plus one and leave it at that.
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]


    Honestly, I wish that would work.  If I could manage to give a matter of fact answer and not be interrogated about it, I would be in heaven!  But as I stated at the beginning of the post, both of our families are causing drama.  My parents are paying for the wedding and as much as they would like to add guests they have accepted our request to keep the guest list small.  I know that this is not going to sit well with my family and I am going to have to hear about it, no matter what I give them as a reason for the great aunt being there.
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    GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_three-ring-circus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:58153cc7-d43b-42d4-94c9-c7994c22b33fPost:2be27040-50cc-4497-94df-91fa85f34b5d">Re: Three ring circus! Sorry-kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Three ring circus! Sorry-kinda long : Honestly, I wish that would work.  If I could manage to give a matter of fact answer and not be interrogated about it, I would be in heaven!  But as I stated at the beginning of the post, both of our families are causing drama.  My parents are paying for the wedding and as much as they would like to add guests they have accepted our request to keep the guest list small.  I know that this is not going to sit well with my family and I am going to have to hear about it, no matter what I give them as a reason for the great aunt being there.
    Posted by seasidebride24[/QUOTE]

    Your parents don't have any right to get bent out of shape over this.  It's not like she's bringing an entourage of uninvited guests.

    "Mom, FMIL is bringing her Aunt Bessie as a guest.  I just wanted to give you a heads up.  Aunt Bessie is not getting an invitation from us but FMIL very much wants her as her guest.  She's FI's mother and we can't tell her who she can and cannot bring."
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I guess I just don't understand why your parents will care so much if his mom is getting a plus one no matter what. Its not adding more people to the guest list and its not your choice. Seriously you don't even need to bring it up to your parents because who knows if she will actually bring her as her plus one. Right now all you need to worry about is who is on the guest list. FMIL isn't paying so great aunt isn't on it.


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    McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_three-ring-circus?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:58153cc7-d43b-42d4-94c9-c7994c22b33fPost:a2b4ccc7-de2c-4654-9cc9-fa7ee27fc446">Re: Three ring circus! Sorry-kinda long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess I just don't understand why your parents will care so much if his mom is getting a plus one no matter what. Its not adding more people to the guest list and its not your choice. Seriously you don't even need to bring it up to your parents because who knows if she will actually bring her as her plus one. Right now all you need to worry about is who is on the guest list. FMIL isn't paying so great aunt isn't on it.
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

    This.
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    R.WilsonnyR.Wilsonny member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yikes! I feel for ya.....my fmil has managed to turn every single last thing for my wedding into some circus.....definitely put your foot down about the list and anything else she gives you a hard time with. If you do not put your foot down now, be prepared to be dealing with her nonsense once you are married......

    Luckily, I've had minimal issues with my own family....good thing too because I might just have to jump off a cliff otherwise jajaja
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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I agree that your fmil is being a pita, with the guest list. She should be allowed a certain number of guests to invite and that's it. Don't try to micromanage her choices. If she chooses the aunt as her 'date,' so be it. You are not being rude to the aunt and her sisters. If they think it's rude, then it's on you fmil. 

    Speaking as an mob, your parents shouldn't care about who your fmil chooses as her +1. They should just send her the invitation and let her decide who to bring.
                       
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    seasidebride24seasidebride24
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, we put our foot down and my FI told his mother that the guest list would not be changing.  She threw a fit and told him that we were being selfish and that the people she wanted to add deserved to be there more than his father did!  I guess her and FFIL aren't as friendly as she claims they are.  I really hate that wedding planning is becoming a war zone.  Thank you all for the good advice, I hope everything works out!
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry your FMIL is being such a pain and drama queen. My suggestion would be talk to her as little as possible about the wedding and to have your FI deal with her from now on.


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