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Totally upset!!! Just a vent

HippinhipsterHippinhipster member
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in Moms and Maids
So I've know my neighbor for about 6 years now and though she is a few years younger then me (she's 17) we've always gotten along and been rather close and I've been kind of a role model for her I guess or so she says lol So I really wanted her to be in my wedding. When I asked her to be a BM I told her to ask her parents because I know how strict they are and didn't want to start planning and ordering dresses and stuff and her not even be allowed to be in the wedding. Well she asked her parents and they said it was fine... so we were super excited and started looking at dresses and she wanted to help do favors and all that good stuff! Well she came over today and told me her parents have changed their minds and feel she's too young to be in a wedding! I mean I know they have the right to say she can't be in it because she's under 18 but really??? I mean I had her ask for a reason... we've been planning on her being a BM for months now! She'll be almost 18 by the time the wedding comes around... I don't want to be rude but I really can't see that as being too young to stand up next to me for 20 mins!!! She was so excited about it! And I'm obviously upset too... but she was so looking forward to it :/ The whole thing just sucks! And now our sides will be uneven too... ugh!
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Re: Totally upset!!! Just a vent

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_totally-upset-just-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e008467c-daef-4959-af2a-51b6cb3f4a23Post:c22ecdf4-695f-4947-b464-cdb041453bb8">Totally upset!!! Just a vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I've know my neighbor for about 6 years now and though she is a few years younger then me (she's 17) we've always gotten along and been rather close and I've been kind of a role model for her I guess or so she says lol So I really wanted her to be in my wedding. When I asked her to be a BM I told her to ask her parents because I know how strict they are and didn't want to start planning and ordering dresses and stuff and her not even be allowed to be in the wedding. Well she asked her parents and they said it was fine... so we were super excited and started looking at dresses and she wanted to help do favors and all that good stuff! Well she came over today and told me her parents have changed their minds and feel she's too young to be in a wedding! I mean I know they have the right to say she can't be in it because she's under 18 but really??? I mean I had her ask for a reason... we've been planning on her being a BM for months now! She'll be almost 18 by the time the wedding comes around... I don't want to be rude but I really can't see that as being too young to stand up next to me for 20 mins!!! She was so excited about it! And I'm obviously upset too... but she was so looking forward to it :/ The whole thing just sucks! And now our sides will be uneven too... ugh!
    Posted by Hippinhipster[/QUOTE]

    Uneven sides! Oh my God, your marriage won't be legal if you have uneven sides!
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  • HippinhipsterHippinhipster member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_totally-upset-just-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e008467c-daef-4959-af2a-51b6cb3f4a23Post:97f271d8-2f1c-456a-8324-ce1c7e8eef24">Re: Totally upset!!! Just a vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Totally upset!!! Just a vent : Uneven sides! Oh my God, your marriage won't be legal if you have uneven sides!
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    I know right! lol No really though I feel so horrible for her she was so excited about being in the wedding!
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  • HippinhipsterHippinhipster member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_totally-upset-just-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e008467c-daef-4959-af2a-51b6cb3f4a23Post:c819118f-1c4c-41da-a049-61a91da4e1f3">Re: Totally upset!!! Just a vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]Can you talk to her parents and find out what their concerns are?  Maybe you can alleviate the concerns and they will change their minds again.  Is there any chance that it is the cost that is really an issue for them and not the daughter's age?
    Posted by gailpete[/QUOTE]


    Thats what my mom wants me to do... I just don't want them to think I'm bein rude or nosy or trying to underhand their or something :/ I don't know.
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  • McKenna2012McKenna2012 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That's a shame that her parents took that away from her. 
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  • gailpetegailpete member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Can you talk to her parents and find out what their concerns are?  Maybe you can alleviate the concerns and they will change their minds again.  Is there any chance that it is the cost that is really an issue for them and not the daughter's age?
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  • allisonkbyeallisonkbye member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with the PP. It was nice of you to consider her younger age but I don't see what the dilemma is. I was a bridesmaid when I was 17 and that was one of the events that kept me out of trouble for a  couple weekends (helping then being in the wedding). So what are they truely worried about? Can't be her age? That doesn't even make any sense. If she's too young then what does that make a flower girl? and the previous ppl r stupid about the uneven sides sarcasim. some of us like to be symmetric - you shouldn't go out of ur way to make it that way, but it sure is nice when it is. 
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  • jcamm11jcamm11 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    WOW.  Just, wow.  Overprotective much, Mom and Dad?  Your 18th birthday present to her should be an eyebrow piercing.  It would serve them right.
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  • graysquirrelgraysquirrel member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Are they worried that you will take her to some rowdy clubs or something for your hen night? That is the only thing I can imagine that someone would object to regarding a wedding. I agree with pp-- talk to them and see if you can figure out their issue.

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  • vicki0508vicki0508 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Maybe cost is a concern and they can't foot the bill for their daughter to be a BM.  Also, maybe they feel like she's getting too wrapped up in your wedding and is neglecting her schoolwork.  I doubt it has to do with the fact that she's 17 and not 18, because if that is their reason they would've said no from the start.
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  • GoodLuckBear14GoodLuckBear14 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_totally-upset-just-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e008467c-daef-4959-af2a-51b6cb3f4a23Post:84a42dc6-48ab-4692-98ca-3ad11d155f1b">Re: Totally upset!!! Just a vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]Maybe cost is a concern and<strong> they can't foot the bill</strong> for their daughter to be a BM.  Also, maybe they feel like she's getting too wrapped up in your wedding and is <strong>neglecting her schoolwork</strong>.  I doubt it has to do with the fact that she's 17 and not 18, because if that is their reason they would've said no from the start.
    Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]

    This exactly.
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  • HippinhipsterHippinhipster member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It can't be that she's not doing her school work... she gets straight A's and she's homeschooled... I'm not really sure about the money part but she she has a part time job I imagine she'd be able to pay for her dress herself. Maybe I'll ask her if she thinks it might be something else that's worrying them.
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  • KateG528KateG528 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_totally-upset-just-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e008467c-daef-4959-af2a-51b6cb3f4a23Post:0c957125-7e48-41eb-a4bc-a516b1a3f75f">Re: Totally upset!!! Just a vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Totally upset!!! Just a vent : Thats what my mom wants me to do... I just don't want them to think I'm bein rude or nosy or trying to underhand their or something :/ I don't know.
    Posted by Hippinhipster[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>You wont be trying to undermine them if you go talk to them alone when she is not around. You dont even have to tell her you are doing it. If you talk to her about "how annoying they are" behind their back with her and then take her over there an talk to them about it with her standing there, that is undermining their authority as parents, but if you address it in a grown up responsible way, maybe they will reconsider.  If finances is an issue, suggest she get a job and pay her own way. She still has six months to raise money.  Just talk to them like a grown up and dont talk to her anymore about it until you do. Whatever her parents final decision is, respect it and dont argue with them about it. You dont want to lose your opportunity to be a good role model to her by being immature about this. </div>
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  • KateG528KateG528 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_totally-upset-just-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e008467c-daef-4959-af2a-51b6cb3f4a23Post:dbbab917-c82b-4be6-b821-ef3c39e9bc3b">Re: Totally upset!!! Just a vent</a>:
    [QUOTE]WOW.  Just, wow.  Overprotective much, Mom and Dad?  Your 18th birthday present to her should be an eyebrow piercing.  It would serve them right.
    Posted by jcamm11[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Well that would definitely be a mature way to handle the situation. </div>
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  • IndigoRainIndigoRain member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'd really recomend talking to the parents. As a homeschooler growing up around lots of homeschoolers, I could see it being about some concern they have. If they are conservative, it may be they aren't comfortable with the style of dress, or the alure of the pre wedding parties. Talking to them would be the best way to find out and possibly resolve this.

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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I ditto several points that PPs have made.  I would definitely go talk to them about this, without her present.  My first thoughts were that the issue could be money, the style of the dress ( I don't know what your BMs dresses look like, but if I were a parent I wouldn't want my teen in a short strapless dress, I just don't think it's appropriate), or fear of inappropriate stuff at a bachelorette party.  Find out what their concerns are and answer any that you can. 

    GL!

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