Weddings after elopements?

chrysmay · April 2012

If someone elopes and then has a big ceremony and reception and invites people, are you still supposed to bring a gift? I've known a few people recently who have done/are doing this, and I'm not sure what the right response is. Thanks in advance!

ootmother2 · April 2012

Gifts are never required at any wedding.

I refuse to comment on weddings after elopements

ywia

redheadfsu · April 2012

1. They are having a vow renewal.

2. A gift is never required (even for a traditional wedding)

3. If you gave a gift when they eloped, I would recommend just sending/bringing a card.

4. If you didn't send a gift when they got married, then I would give the gift I would have given them if they had the traditional wedding - as long as they were not being horrible gift grabby and tacky (If they were being tacky, I would still give a gift - just a very small one).

Loopyseven · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weddings-after-elopements?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b7fde03-7659-40c1-8a42-3cdb01af26e1Post:3c162c57-554c-4dfc-aa7a-c5097e7d5a69">Re: Weddings after elopements?</a>:
[QUOTE]1. They are having a vow renewal. 2. A gift is never required (even for a traditional wedding) 3. If you gave a gift when they eloped, I would recommend just sending/bringing a card. 4. If you didn't send a gift when they got married, then I would give the gift I would have given them if they had the traditional wedding - as long as they were not being horrible gift grabby and tacky (If they were being tacky, I would still give a gift - just a very small one).
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

<div>All of this.</div>

ootmother2 · April 2012

agh! red sait it so much better

Viczaesar · April 2012

A wedding after an elopement is an oxymoron. Give if you want, but gifts are never required, either at (actual) weddings or vow renewals.

chrysmay · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weddings-after-elopements?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b7fde03-7659-40c1-8a42-3cdb01af26e1Post:3c162c57-554c-4dfc-aa7a-c5097e7d5a69">Re: Weddings after elopements?</a>:
[QUOTE]1. They are having a vow renewal. 2. A gift is never required (even for a traditional wedding) 3. If you gave a gift when they eloped, I would recommend just sending/bringing a card. 4. If you didn't send a gift when they got married, then I would give the gift I would have given them if they had the traditional wedding - as long as they were not being horrible gift grabby and tacky (If they were being tacky, I would still give a gift - just a very small one).
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

I did not get a gift for the most recent couple when they eloped because no one knew they did it until about a month after the fact when one of their family members spilled it on Facebook and they decided not to continue hiding it. I don't know the wife of my friend at all (actually, no one knew he was dating anyone until he announced that they were married and apparently they dated for almost a month before marrying), but when he told my fiance and me that they were planning on a second ceremony and reception, he said that "[Wife] really wants to have a real wedding with people and everything so save the date." I don't know if this means that she's regretting the choice they made or if she truly does just want to celebrate with friends and family or if this is characteristic of people who are looking for gifts (they're both young and broke and living with their respective parents...). If this is really what makes him happy, my fiance and I want to be happy for him, but given all the factors, we're a little skeptical. Do you think a thoughtful card and a $25 giftcard to Target would be a good gift?

redheadfsu · April 2012

Yeah, I think that would be fine.

Lying about being married is, well, horrible. You are being a great friend by trying to be happy for them, when they lied to everyone. So that gift would be very nice.

ginadog · April 2012

Some people feel they are actually getting to redo their wedding after they are married. They probably aren't aware of the etiquette of it all.

I knew a couple that eloped to Bora Bora to avoid all the family pressure of a big wedding (she was Chinese), only to end up having that big wedding one year later with all the bells and whistles. Then they learned that their marriage in Bora Bora wasn't legal in the US, so I guess it was good they did the other wedding anyway.

We did not go (would have required a flight). We ended up giving them a gift a few months later when we saw them in person. Could be applied to either event I guess!

Lisa50 · April 2012

Depending upon my relationship with the couple, I might send them a gift. I'd definitely send a card. I would not attend the fake wedding.

krizzo17 · April 2012

Haha this sounds like what my great-grandparents pulled back around 1930 - minus facebook, of course. I think they were about 17, and just drove down to Elkton, MD one weekend and eloped, then moved back home with their parents. My great-grandmother finally told her mom about a month later while they were ironing laundry, and her mother said "that's nice, get out". They stayed married until he died, but things were a little different back then

Also, they did not attempt to throw a "wedding" after the fact.

ceh789 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weddings-after-elopements?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b7fde03-7659-40c1-8a42-3cdb01af26e1Post:18d429f9-7ec6-4271-8ee6-8bc331465b38">Re: Weddings after elopements?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weddings after elopements? : I did not get a gift for the most recent couple when they eloped because no one knew they did it until about a month after the fact when one of their family members spilled it on Facebook and they decided not to continue hiding it. I don't know the wife of my friend at all (actually, no one knew he was dating anyone until he announced that they were married and apparently they dated for almost a month before marrying), but when he told my fiance and me that they were planning on a second ceremony and reception, he said that "[Wife] really wants to have a real wedding with people and everything so save the date."<strong> I don't know if this means that she's regretting the choice they made</strong> or if she truly does just want to celebrate with friends and family or if this is characteristic of people who are looking for gifts <strong>(they're both young and broke and living with their respective parents...).</strong> If this is really what makes him happy, my fiance and I want to be happy for him, but given all the factors, we're a little skeptical. Do you think a thoughtful card and a $25 giftcard to Target would be a good gift?
Posted by chrysmay[/QUOTE]

<div>Sounds like someone is sad for missing out on her PPD to me. Very immature.</div><div>
</div><div>Why get married and then not even live together? I don't get it at all.</div>

chrysmay · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weddings-after-elopements?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b7fde03-7659-40c1-8a42-3cdb01af26e1Post:d79175b4-5f2c-4daf-83b1-d44478d08f03">Re: Weddings after elopements?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weddings after elopements? : Sounds like someone is sad for missing out on her PPD to me. Very immature. Why get married and then not even live together? I don't get it at all.
Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]
My best guess is that they can't afford to move in together since they're both adults (albeit barely, 23 and 19 years old with no education or much work history) and living with mom and dad. They also live about 2 hours away from each other. They're planning on finding an apartment of their own before the wedding/whatever it should be called, and I hope it works out, but I can't say I'm really expecting it to.

As a semi-unrelated question for my own curiosity, a few years ago, some friends got married in Mexico. They sent out the invitations for the wedding in Mexico and the reception together about 4 months out. Only their immediate family and very closest friends were able to attend the ceremony. The reception was about a month later in the city they live in. My fiance and I attended the reception and brought a gift, and it was a fairly average, although more casual than normal, reception, the announcement as a couple, buffet dinner, cake, dancing. I've known one other couple who did something very similar, but when I told my mother about it, she was totally aghast and thought it was the strangest thing she'd ever heard of. Is this generally considered a good way to do this, or is this odd?

lisa3185 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_weddings-after-elopements?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9b7fde03-7659-40c1-8a42-3cdb01af26e1Post:9e480a2e-4b23-4bda-a9b7-186255603385">Re: Weddings after elopements?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Weddings after elopements? : My best guess is that they can't afford to move in together since they're both adults (albeit barely, 23 and 19 years old with no education or much work history) and living with mom and dad. They also live about 2 hours away from each other. They're planning on finding an apartment of their own before the wedding/whatever it should be called, and I hope it works out, but I can't say I'm really expecting it to. As a semi-unrelated question for my own curiosity, a few years ago, some friends got married in Mexico. They sent out the invitations for the wedding in Mexico and the reception together about 4 months out. Only their immediate family and very closest friends were able to attend the ceremony. The reception was about a month later in the city they live in. My fiance and I attended the reception and brought a gift, and it was a fairly average, although more casual than normal, reception, the announcement as a couple, buffet dinner, cake, dancing. I've known one other couple who did something very similar, but when I told my mother about it, she was totally aghast and thought it was the strangest thing she'd ever heard of. <strong>Is this generally considered a good way to do this, or is this odd?</strong>
Posted by chrysmay[/QUOTE]

Many DW brides have an at home reception. Myself being one of them. We made this decision bc we have always wanted a very private ceremony but at the same time we want to celebrate our nuptials with our family and friends. So that's exactly what we will do. We are having a private ceremony in the Caribbean islands followed by a champagne brunch celebration back home.
I think what turns a lot of people off to this idea is it is seen as a "do-over." Its certainly a different concept and I think that's why ppl tend to have such a problem with it. A lot of ppl have a hard time accepting anything untraditional. IMO, as long as your AHR doesn't recreate your wedding, its just fine. I don't really understand why ppl say "its okay to have a AHR but don't make it weddingish." The whole point of an AHR is to celebrate the recent marriage, not to pretend you invited your family and friends to an event "just because."

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