Scared rather than proud...

TheFutureMrs.St.Onge · March 2010

So here's the deal, I'm 17 and engaged to the love of my life. The date is set for when I am 18 (and then some) next year and it is tentative since finances are hard. If it has to wait it's no bog deal, I've got the rest of my life to spend with him, I'm not trying to race down the aisle. But since I am so young no one takes my engagement seriously. I am extremely happy to be engaged to my man (he is 21 btw) but since all I ever get is negativity, criticism and disbelief when I tell people I'm engaged I'm aftaid to tell people or correct people when they call him my boyfriend (which I kind of hate).

My close friends and maids accept is and are totally happy for us, and his family love me and actually gave us TWO sets of wedding rings to choose from (one they bought and the other a family heirloom.) It's not that I'm too immature it's simply my age that no one sees past...I guess I'm just frustrated. Please, if you are going to agree with everyone else, be nice. I came here for support or light criticizm.

Also, any other young brides out there?

6fsn · March 2010

I'll be nice. Why the rush? Really what difference will it make for you to wait even 4 years to go to colleg/trade school/get a job. People change so much between 17 and 25.

My parents started dating in 1961 and married in 1967 when they finished college. They are still happy and married.

TheFutureMrs.St.Onge · March 2010

That's just it, if it happens next year or 20 years from now I'll still be fine, either way. But the engagement is set. And that's why people freak out.

Paulo's Menina Bela · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_scared-rather-proud?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:fcac81d3-3c48-45eb-a4c6-7f6d4f6fbc8bPost:c2814855-df1b-4b9f-9a6b-c4b37d775cec">Re: Scared rather than proud...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll be nice. Why the rush? Really what difference will it make for you to wait even 4 years to go to colleg/trade school/get a job. People change so much between 17 and 25.
Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]

Ditto

Paulo's Menina Bela · March 2010

Just because you've set a date doesn't mean you can't change it. The question is still the same, if you know you'll spend the rest of your life together, why the rush down the aisle?

TheFutureMrs.St.Onge · March 2010

Not sure, it just seems right for us. Like our pace, I can't really explain. I don't feel rushed, I feel like it is as it should be. I don't know, maybe I'm strange.

Paulo's Menina Bela · March 2010

Sometimes it works, but it's rare. Very rare. You two need to make sure you're on the same page as far as what you expect from married life.

Butter Cookie · March 2010

Here's the thing to consider: You're 17 years old. Do you feel the same you did at 7? Do you feel like you've learned a lot since then, and changed?

Well, the same is true for the next ten years of your life. I'm not saying you need to wait until you're pushing 30 to get married (though I personally like the idea) but you're so young. If this is meant to be it will still be in 4 or 5 years when you've had a chance to experience more. I'm guessing you still live with your parents and are in high-school? Your whole world is about to change between college and moving out and living on your own. Don't complicate that by getting married so young. And don't deprive yourself of the chance to experience life and learn a little about yourself. You will regret it at some point if you don't take a little time.

I'm not saying break up with the guy, or even back down from engagement, but just spend some time getting to know yourself before you enter into a marriage, which is a lifetime commitment.

TheFutureMrs.St.Onge · March 2010

Well I've just about moved in with him and his family (saving up for our own place and the wedding) and we split up what we do. I help him, he helps me and everything gets done. We have agreed that we want kids but not until I am at LEAST 27. We are very open with each other and hide nothing, if an issue arises it is easy to talk through. When we do fight it is never for more than an hour and we have known each other for a long time.

Wonderw1fe · March 2010

Bleh. If you're so ready and so sure, why are you here asking total strangers to validate your relationship?

arbolita · March 2010

How long have you known each other and how long have you been dating?

Blueyed228 · March 2010

Its your life, so no one can tell you what to do.

However, since most of us are over 25 (some of us in our 30's lol) we can tell you from experience that they way you feel about someone at 17 is very special and valid. But as you mature and gain more life experience, your thoughts on life and what you want out of life changes. This is not to say that you are young and silly or dont know anything about life, its just that things change alot over time.

Most of us (not all) will tell you that we thank god that we did not marry the guy we were with at 18! There is just alot to experience and goals to set and reach before marriage. If waiting is no big deal for you guys, why not stay engaged and make a 5 year plan? Go to college, save money, buy a house. Set yourselves up for success. The statistics are not in your favor. Why not give it some time?

If you really do love each other, then getting married at 23 should be no big deal.

Blueyed228 · March 2010

And let me add that just because you are engaged does not mean you need to set a date right away. Lots of people have long engagements! (myself included)

awesome-sauce · March 2010

I'll be nice, but I am going to ask some basic, realist questions. I believe most of the women that post here are already married and had to ask themselves the same questions before getting married. (Not everyone on The Knot are just engaged, many have been married for quite a few years.)

I don't think people are trying to rule your life by saying don't get married young. They are looking out for you. Those people were 17 once too. We have all gone through the same trials or what-have-you.

Have you discussed employment? Will both work? SAHM? SAHD?

Will you have children? How will they be raised? How many?

How will finances be done? Who brings home the paycheck and how will bills be paid between you?

Seperate or individual accounts? Or some of each?

Are either of you attending college?

Do you have a plan for finances/bills/savings/emergency fund that is in writing that you both agree upon? And actually make enough money to do? (Money can be a source of struggle, in young AND old relationships.)

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In 10 years? Does it match up with your FI's?

If he's your FI, does it really matter if someone says boyfriend? Maybe they slipped or didn't think.

FYI, it wasn't that long ago that we were in your shoes, so take the questions as helpful suggestions.

awesome-sauce · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_scared-rather-proud?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:fcac81d3-3c48-45eb-a4c6-7f6d4f6fbc8bPost:3c4208ed-69ae-4a3c-8f16-6b57cf0b493c">Re: Scared rather than proud...</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I've just about moved in with him and his family (saving up for our own place and the wedding) and we split up what we do. I help him, he helps me and everything gets done. We have agreed that we want kids but not until I am at LEAST 27. We are very open with each other and hide nothing, if an issue arises it is easy to talk through. When we do fight it is never for more than an hour and we have known each other for a long time.
Posted by TheFutureMrs.St.Onge[/QUOTE]

Can I be honest? If you are 17 and staying with your FI and his parents, I can't put a full "approve" seal on it. Trust me, it's much easier to do it when, and only when, you can support yourselves.

How long will it be before you both save up? Do you have a plan and a timeline?

I have to agree that just because you've set a date, doesn't mean you can't push it back. If someone asks (that you care to respond to, because it's no one's business) just tell them you need a little more time to save up for the wedding that you and your FI want.

jennyp08 · March 2010

Once you are married, you have to think about you as you fit into the couple. Its hard to be selfish, etc. And you are at an age where you need to be selfish--you should be able to go to a good school, spend the summer studying abroad, travel to new places, try new things, meet new people, etc etc. But if you have a mortgage & a husband, it will dampen your ability to do these things. I'm not saying its impossible. But you can't even imagine how much you as a person will change just going through college, etc.

I was the stereotypical small town girl who dated the captain of the football team, etc etc. Now, after getting my bachelor's degree, I'm half way through law school, engaged, and a COMPLETELY different person. I came into my own by experiencing life as a single woman. I learned what I was passionate about, changed career paths,personal beliefs, and want completely different things than I did when I was 17. I look back at who I dated, and I'm SO thankful that I didn't get serious. People change drastically in their 20s. Its just something you have to go through to understand.

If nothing else, tell your FI that you will NOT get married until after you have a college degree. If you two grow as a couple, and still want to be married, then you'll know its for real. If not, you'll at least be working towards a degree that will allow you to stand on your own two feet.

emily.ayala · March 2010

awesome-sauce has some VERY valid points that I think you should strongly consider before getting married. I really think you two should have a long engagement. Go to college, or trade school, etc. and get a good job. When you're ready move in together and see how that goes for a while. There's no need to hurry at all. Just be happy being together. That's enough for a while.

This is from my own life experiences. I was notorious for rushing into things, but I've learned that this is something that should not be rushed. It's a HUGE change in your life.

My FI and I met in high school when we were both 16. I can honestly say that we loved eachother even then. However, we just got engaged last month and are planning on getting married next year. We will be 24. We have an amazing relationship and most importantly an amazing friendship. I think a lot of that came from taking to time to just be happy being together and really getting to know one another. In my opinion, that time is going to give us a strong foundation for our marriage.

As far as people being rude to you about being engaged so young, you really just have let if roll off your shoulders. It's not worth it to argue with them. You two are happy being engaged and that's what matters.

I actually have experience on this point, also. I was pregnant at 21 (which, yes, is young), but I looked about 17. I ALWAYS got dirty looks and constantly had people being rude. There's just not much you can do. Some people are just like that. In my case, my family and FI's family were all very supportive and happy for us. That's all that really mattered.

awesome-sauce · March 2010

Gah, sorry to PW all up in your post, but I meant to ask what happens if you have an "accidental/oops" baby? What if the "oops" is twins?! I ask, because you said that both of you don't plan to plan any until you are "at LEAST 27".

Also, "We'll deal with it if it happens." is not an ideal answer. Emily-Ayala may can tell you how hard that is at 21, much less 18-19! (I don't know her situation though, so I may be speaking out of place on that?

(EDIT: Stick to wedding woes board, you can learn something new every day 'round these parts.

)

[Deleted User] · March 2010

I will never take an engagement of a 17 year-old seriously. Never. 17 year olds are rarely, if ever, mature enough to get married. Neither, for that matter, are 21 year-old guys. It's all hormones and the refusal to listen to wisdom from people who actually know what they're talking about.

I won't bother to repeat the PP words, but I agree with most of them. I will say, though, that I find it stupid for anyone to say, "well, my grandparents got married at 17 and they're happily married!" to validate their relationship. Times change, and they change a lot. My parents married at 18 and were miserable for 6 years until they finally called it quits.

Wait, is all I'm saying. No sense jumping into what supposed to be a lifelong commitment before you ever even know who you are as an adult.

kids_goofy · March 2010

Who cares what any one else thinks if you love him and he loves you go for it. My parents met when my mom was 15 got married when she was 18 and are still married and going strong after 40 yrs. I on the other hand had 2 kids by the time I was 20 and am now 33 and am getting married to a wonderful man for the first time. Would my life be right for you probably not but it worked for me. Do what you know in your heart is right and what you can live with. No one can live your life but you.

No matter what you choose Good Luck!!!!

emily.ayala · March 2010

awesome-sauce is right. "i'll deal with it when it happens" is not the way to go. especially because that thought is usually accompanied by the thought, "it won't happen to me." that may be cliche, but it's true.

I certainly did not plan to get pregnant at 21. I was going to wait until I was 27 just like you. but things happen. and you may think, "well I'm on BC." I was too. There was a short two week period that I stopped taking it because I had a problem with my insurance and did not have any insurance for two weeks. Well in that same two weeks I ran out of BC pills, but i figured I'd only been off it for such a short time, I couldn't possibly get pregnant. But one time was all it took, and I did get pregnant. I had turned 21 in Feb. and found out I was pregnant in July, so that quickly my adolescene was over. No more going out drinking with friends, no more parties.

It was definitely difficult and we even had two very supportive families helping us. Although, my parents were definitely upset at first, but once they got past the inital shock, they were very helpful.

I don't know that much about your situation, but I do know that if this many people are telling you to wait because you have your whole life ahead of you and things change so much, there HAS to be some truth to it. It will not hurt the relationship at all to wait. It will only make it stronger.

VarunaTT · March 2010

I think the thing that is most interesting about our board is that we have MULTIPLE couples who met in high school and were the one and only loves of their loves.

And none of them actually married until both parties were 22+.

Take that to heart.

Blizzlesgirl! · March 2010

You know, I ended up marrying my high school sweetheart, but nowhere near 18. If we had done that, in all honestly, it would have been a disaster--not that we would have known it then.

Thankfully, we were smart enough to realize that even though we FELT mature enough to be married at that age, it didn't seem like the right thing to do. I went to college in another state and he later moved there. Our relationship survived it, even though it was a trial. But that was HUGELY important to making sure we could make it as a couple. We both had a chance to learn about ourselves on our own and grow.

We didn't get married right away then, either. In fact, we didn't get married until we were 25, and we had been dating ten years at that point. We are both very, very different people than when we met, and I'm grateful we waited long enough to see how that worked out for us. And no, we did not get engaged early, either--less than a year before we got married. By that time we had jobs, knew how to handle our finances, knew if we wanted kids and how we would raise them if we have them, had been through some serious things (including learning how to fight), and were old enough to realize that other people's "help" or "approval" were not important. When you're reallly young, they are, but not if you're mature enough to get married.

So yes, I think young love can last, but I think if you go through with a wedding this early in your life, you're doing your relationship a HUGE disservice that may result in disaster. I think the reason people refuse to take you seriously is not because they think of you as a child necessarily, but, as someone else pointed out, those of us at least a decade older than you are can look back with the wisdom that only having lived through those years can bring. So my advice? Wait. It really, honestly will be worth it.

swim1011 · March 2010

I agree with the PPs, they gave you great advice. Life at 17 is much different than life after college (assuming you two are going), and it's much more difficult when you're on your own. Not just living with his family. If it's meant to last, your relationship will make it through 4 or 5 more years, enough time for you to really know what you want out of life. I promise waiting will be worth it.

GBCK · March 2010

First, please tell me that those aren't REAL last-names in your screenname....If they are, go read the first PSA in my bio NOW.

Not sure, it just seems right for us. Like our pace, I can't really explain. I don't feel rushed, I feel like it is as it should be. I don't know, maybe I'm strange.

This is beebeetalk right here. There are lots of things that are hard to put into words...love, infinity, god, how the healthcare bill works, etc. But you're not saying you can't put into words why you love him...you're saying you can't even put into words why you are getting married now...
You need to be able to do that.

ReturnOfKuus · March 2010

Frankly, I don't know why anyone is taking this seriously enough to try to talk you out of it. Dollars to dimes says that by this time next year, the love of your life will be some other dude.

TheFutureMrs.St.Onge · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_scared-rather-proud?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:fcac81d3-3c48-45eb-a4c6-7f6d4f6fbc8bPost:00d3e1f4-3fa8-4953-91a2-13fe3792bc38">Re: Scared rather than proud...</a>:
[QUOTE]Who cares what any one else thinks if you love him and he loves you go for it. My parents met when my mom was 15 got married when she was 18 and are still married and going strong after 40 yrs. I on the other hand had 2 kids by the time I was 20 and am now 33 and am getting married to a wonderful man for the first time. Would my life be right for you probably not but it worked for me. Do what you know in your heart is right and what you can live with. No one can live your life but you. No matter what you choose Good Luck!!!!
Posted by kids_goofy[/QUOTE]

Thank you. And this was all a rant and awesome-sauce, as I read down your list of questions I had answers for most, and the others I will discuss with my fiance, THANKS!! As for the naysayers, thank you for continuing the very reason I made this thread. Bear in mind age does not breed maturity in all cases. Either way I shall carry on with my fiance and who knows? maybe next year or the year after you will see us on this site as a real wedding. and maybe even see us still together after 40+ years! (SCANDALOUS!) Meanwhile I think I shall stay away from these boards filled with bitterness. Ta ta.

Butter Cookie · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_scared-rather-proud?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:fcac81d3-3c48-45eb-a4c6-7f6d4f6fbc8bPost:4823727c-30dd-4bd2-9f4e-16367192bedb">Re: Scared rather than proud...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Scared rather than proud... : Thank you. And this was all a rant and awesome-sauce, as I read down your list of questions I had answers for most, and the others I will discuss with my fiance, THANKS!! As for the naysayers, thank you for continuing the very reason I made this thread. Bear in mind age does not breed maturity in all cases. Either way I shall carry on with my fiance and who knows? maybe next year or the year after you will see us on this site as a real wedding. and maybe even see us still together after 40+ years! (SCANDALOUS!) Meanwhile I think I shall stay away from these boards filled with bitterness. Ta ta.
Posted by TheFutureMrs.St.Onge[/QUOTE]

So basically you took honest opinions and spit in the faces of the people who gave them to you? Very mature. Hope you don't end up pregnant and alone by 21.

TheFutureMrs.St.Onge · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_scared-rather-proud?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:fcac81d3-3c48-45eb-a4c6-7f6d4f6fbc8bPost:4448c4b3-3212-4e90-b195-e2c98e0c4840">Re: Scared rather than proud...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Scared rather than proud... : So basically you took honest opinions and spit in the faces of the people who gave them to you? Very mature. Hope you don't end up pregnant and alone by 21.
Posted by Butter Cookie[/QUOTE]

Yes cause that was so much more mature...

Butter Cookie · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_scared-rather-proud?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:fcac81d3-3c48-45eb-a4c6-7f6d4f6fbc8bPost:70e56894-da61-4c99-868e-ef478aea07be">Re: Scared rather than proud...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Scared rather than proud... : Yes cause that was so much more mature...
Posted by TheFutureMrs.St.Onge[/QUOTE]

You're right. Pointing out your immaturity to help you avoid a terrible mistake? Who would say such a thing but a child??

You will have your reality check. You'll probably never come back to admit your mistake. Who knows? By the time you get that check you may be in your 40's, happily married, but wondering why you never gave yourself a chance to get to know who you would have been on your own, but hoping your kids make a different choice.

Cyndal120109 · June 2010

As someone who knows you personally, and someone who is a tidbit older and also experiencing the grandeurs of young love, I'd like to honestly say, even I am a little shocked and a little doubtful of this, not because I feel it isn't right for you, but I know it wouldn't be right for me. But I am extremely happy for you and wish you the best of luck. I believe in you and I think you can succeed in this. :] No one has the right to undermine the genuinity of your feelings and maturity. Some of them are simply expressing their opinion, which is what you asked for and they sincerely want to help. As for the bitter hag who said you were immature and probably gonna end up pregnant and alone by 21, well that was just immature, EXTREMELY rude, and completely out of place. No one can tell you how mature you are. There are some life experiences in this world that a 15 yr old has had and yet a 35 yr old lacks. Everyone grows up differently and experiences life in a different order and at a different pace. Only you know what's right for you. And although waiting a little bit may be the best thing to do, I don't think you're situation will work out any less if you don't. If it's meant to be, it will be, if not, it won't. If you guys truly love one another and feel it's right, then best of luck to you. I will support you through it all. :] As for the hateful hags, there are always gonna be rude, hostile, simply miserable people in life. Just remember they don't matter. If they've reached a certain age and have still yet to develop discretion and subtlty, are they really that mature? I know you'll do whatever you need to to make this as successful as possible. Best of luck and lots of love to you both. :]

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