How can I get my BF to talk to my father?

anskaggs · December 2009

My BF and I have been "mutually engaged" for a while now. We have began the brainstorming planning process and everything. The only thing that is holding us back from being officially engaged is the ring. Kind of.

His grandmother has an extensive jewelry collection and told him that he can check out her rings and choose whichever one he wants to give to me. I love the idea, and he says that he really does too.

I think the real reason might be that he is afraid of my daddy. I'm the baby of the family, and my dad is... well... a military man. He's pretty intimidating, and I understand that. My dad really likes him, but BF is so afraid of asking him because he's afraid he will say no. My dad has been dropping hints that he knows its coming soon.

It is very important that he asks him, because when my sister got married, they didn't ask my father for his blessing and he was deeply hurt for a long period of time.

How can I help to make it easier on my BF?

katanne9 · December 2009

This is up to you guys. Either you both sit down with Daddy and say "We're engaged, we hope you will give us your blessing" or your BF just needs to man up and have the talk. You can give him as many encouraging words as you want, but if he wants to do it solo, there isn't much you can do. If that's not do-able, you guys can always do it together. How mad can Dad get when his babygirl is smiling like crazy.

jeanacorina · December 2009

If your dad seems to like the guy, and seems to know it's coming, and doesn't seem to think that's a bad thing, then your BF has nothing to worry about. Silly boy!

There's not much you can really do. Your BF/FI person needs to work up the courage. Just be supportive and assure him that your dad is going to be supportive. And if he isn't.... would you still get married? Because maybe your BF needs to hear that answer.

It'll work out. When he's really ready to make things "official," he will make it happen, don't worry.

notquiteblushing · December 2009

I wouldn't give him any specific advice or make it seem like you are forcing him to ask for your father's blessing but you can ease the way by saying something positive your father has said about him like "my dad reallly appreciated your xmas gift" or "I'm so glad to be with someone my family likes," etc. But really the talk is up to him.

FWIW I thought my parents wanted to be asked for their blessing beforehand but they didn't really care when it happened without it.

desertsun · December 2009

You know, different things work for different people.

For example, I didn't really want my FI to ask for my dad's permission. It disturbed my sense of me as my own person.

It was important to me, however, to specifically say when we called with the good news, "We would very much like to have your blessing" to both my mom AND my dad.

Maybe something like that would work better for you and your BF.

SarahPLiz · December 2009

I can understand your situation. My FI andmy dad get along great, and my dad had been introducing him as his son-in-law for over a year and even offerred to give me a ring off his finger to use, but my dad is a scary man. He's still screwed up from Vietnam, carries a gun everywhere, and actually threatened to kill my ex.. in front of me, in public, deadpan serious.

FI wanted to ask my dad, and actually called him several times the day before but Dad didn't answer. We went to brunch with Dad the next day because he was in town, and FI didn't want to ask him in front of me and ruin the surprise. So he proposed right when we got back home from brunch and then called my dad to ask permission for what he had just done. Dad was thrilled.

Normally I wouldn't condone this, but maybe put a bug in your dad's ear so that he will initiate the "what are your intentions with my daughter" talk, and then FI can bring it up.

emilykathleen511 · December 2009

Um. He stopped being your "Daddy" the second you turned 8. *barf*

anskaggs · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-bf-talk-father?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:98c27a30-aa18-429b-be4b-de82f5affb14Post:a9a835ea-fd86-4428-81b7-88671f22f205">Re: How can I get my BF to talk to my father?</a>:
[QUOTE]Um. He stopped being your "Daddy" the second you turned 8. *barf*
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]

Oh, did I say Daddy? I must have typo'd. What I meant to say, obviously, was "The man who participated in intercourse with my mother and therefore spawned me." Oh silly silly me.

No. He's still my Daddy. And I am far older than 8.

emilykathleen511 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-bf-talk-father?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:98c27a30-aa18-429b-be4b-de82f5affb14Post:7cf568c0-30d1-4d24-8cd0-183b2ff9191e">Re: How can I get my BF to talk to my father?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How can I get my BF to talk to my father? : Oh, did I say Daddy? I must have typo'd. What I meant to say, obviously, was "The man who participated in intercourse with my mother and therefore spawned me." Oh silly silly me.
Posted by anskaggs[/QUOTE]

Well, at least you realize your mistake. Don't worry, no hard feelings.

But seriously, you sound like a child when you say that, not a woman about to get married. And this *could* be because "daddy" is a pet name CHILDREN give their father. Just sayin'.

PandaBurr · December 2009

Eh, I still call my parents mommy and daddy. It's what I've called them since I could talk, so I don't see why that should change because just people think it's "childish". If anything, I think your comment reflects more poorly on you, because you had to judge her for something so asinine. I'm all for "snarkiness" so long as the poster deserved it and there's some constructive criticism involved, however your comment was just plain bitchy.

emilykathleen511 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-bf-talk-father?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:98c27a30-aa18-429b-be4b-de82f5affb14Post:d6a4b31c-7b12-4770-ba4e-74e0474be8b8">Re: How can I get my BF to talk to my father?</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh, I still call my parents mommy and daddy. It's what I've called them since I could talk, so I don't see why that should change because just people think it's "childish". If anything, I think your comment reflects more poorly on you, because you had to judge her for something so asinine. I'm all for "snarkiness" so long as the poster deserved it and there's some constructive criticism involved, however your comment was just plain bitchy.
Posted by PandaBurr[/QUOTE]

<div>The poster doesn't need to "deserve" anything when they post on a public forum. They are going to get opinions from whoever feels like offering them. Andplusalso, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't come on a public forum and whine about how your "daddy is too scary for my wittle boyfriend to ask his permission." Come on. Sure I call my mother, "Nonny" (because that is how my niece pronounced it) when I'm actually talking to her. But if I came on a public forum whining about my super scary Mommy, that is a whole 'nuther can of worms. And I have no problem judging internet strangers. Isn't that the nature of an internet forum? I'm thinking yes (just as you are judging me for the harshness of my post).</div>

PandaBurr · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-bf-talk-father?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:98c27a30-aa18-429b-be4b-de82f5affb14Post:f2792aaf-432c-4d67-9a44-a4cdd9943c91">Re: How can I get my BF to talk to my father?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How can I get my BF to talk to my father? : The poster doesn't need to "deserve" anything when they post on a public forum. They are going to get opinions from whoever feels like offering them. Andplusalso, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't come on a public forum and whine about how your "daddy is too scary for my wittle boyfriend to ask his permission." Come on. Sure I call my mother, "Nonny" (because that is how my niece pronounced it) when I'm actually talking to her. But if I came on a public forum whining about my super scary Mommy, that is a whole 'nuther can of worms. And I have no problem judging internet strangers. Isn't that the nature of an internet forum? I'm thinking yes (just as you are judging me for the harshness of my post).
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]

I agree that the OP is pretty ridiculous, but the issue I have with your post is that you don't even refer to the topic. It just seemed like you were being a bitch for the sake of being a bitch over something pretty trivial. I don't feel like it contributed anything to the conversation. Maybe it was your use of "barf". I hate when people use that.

Also,

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emilykathleen511 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-bf-talk-father?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:98c27a30-aa18-429b-be4b-de82f5affb14Post:b547a591-b6f0-40f8-ae44-3875b152fea4">Re: How can I get my BF to talk to my father?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How can I get my BF to talk to my father? : I agree that the OP is pretty ridiculous, but the issue I have with your post is that you don't even refer to the topic. It just seemed like you were being a bitch for the sake of being a bitch over something pretty trivial. <strong>I don't feel like it contributed anything to the conversation.</strong> Maybe it was your use of "barf". I hate when people use that. Also,
Posted by PandaBurr[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I'll give you that. It just hits a nerve when fully grown women use the word "daddy" in conversation with fully grown adults (and they're not referring to something their small child said). It's just a pet peeve I guess.

anskaggs · December 2009

This all seems highly trivial to me. I didn't even use "daddy" exclusively. I also used father and dad. What difference does it make. If you don't like it, roll your eyes and move on. It's silly to just keep arguing about it. Maybe it's just a local thing, every female I know IRL (fully grown adults) call their father "Daddy."

And I wasn't whining. Or talking about my "wittle boyfriend that is afraid of my super scary daddy." Marriage is a big step and family is very important to both of us, so it would be natural that if it were important to ask the father's permission (it is to us, i know it isn't to everyone) then of course that would be a little nerve-wrecking.

hetshup · December 2009

Beautifully said Ans! I agree with PP, maybe have your father initiate the conversation, he seems onboard with everything. I feel for your BF, marines can be scary but I also know that they can be big teddy bears too. good luck.

Narwhal · December 2009

(I'm OP, changed my account)

I talked to my BF about us doing it together, but he said no. Said it would ruin the surprise. Maybe I'll talk to my mom and see what she thinks about asking for the blessing afterwards.

pag41989 · December 2009

Me and FI had the same exact problem almost. I am a baby of the family (out of 5 children) and my father is a military man. My FI actually had every intention of asking my father but it was sort of my fault why that didn't happen. I had a doctor's appointment that day that made me nervous so I asked FI to come with me. It turns out that day I had FI come to me with the doctor is the day he was planning on asking my father. Instead he just proposed to me when he wanted to and we sat down with my dad a couple days later and told him. He was very happy for us and was not angry at all.

chosen175 · December 2009

OP, the next time your dad hints that he knows it's coming, maybe you can say something like "Well, if bf DID come ask you for your blessing, what would you say?" And if he says "I'd give it to him in a heartbeat" then you can tell your bf he has nothing to worry about. To be honest, if your dad is a military man, he would appreciate your bf "sucking it up" and coming to him like a man, not hemming and hawing over it for months because he's too intimidated. Your dad wants to know that your bf will be your protector, not shy away from something he sees as uncomfortable or unpleasant.

Give your bf a pat on the back and tell him to talk to your dad BEFORE he plans on popping the question, because it's obviously very important to you.

SarahPLiz · December 2009

emilykathleen, I call my father Daddy too, and I'm 30. I also call him Dad and refer to him as my father. Daddy is a term of endearment that means way more to me than father. To me, its a cultural thing, not a maturity thing. I will be 31 in 2 weeks, have been living on my own since 18, hold a professional title, and am on my 2nd foray into home ownership. What I call my father has nothing to do with it. In fact, we have a long running joke in my family. Once someone asked me what my dad's name was, and I told them "Daddy Martin R******". I still address cards to him that way because it makes him laugh.
I call my step dad (since college) Poppa, because that's what my mom and little sis call him.. nothing more, nothing less.

That being said, I generally agree with you on most matters, but I think you are reading way to far into this.

How can I get my BF to talk to my father?

Re: How can I get my BF to talk to my father?

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