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8 people left out of reception

Here's a link to one of my favorite blogs:


The bride and groom had a small wedding, and a tiered reception.  They invited 8 people after dinner to celebrate. I think that's rude.  In fact I think that having only 8 people afterward makes it really rude.  Thoughts?

Re: 8 people left out of reception

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    I think it's super rude. I hate when people do this and use the budget to justify it. Umm no. Look at her table linens and such. I went without those so I could include more people. It's all about priorities. My budget is around $9000 and I'm including 170 people.  We had to skip the bar and such but it is more important to me that all those who have helped us get where we are today are included.
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    edited September 2010
    Sigh...that's from where I live...

    Here's my thing...some people cut out the whole bar, some people only serve some types of alcohol, some people only serve alcohol for a few hours, some people stop the bar during dinner, some people cut out kids, some people cut out guests at dinner, some people cut out favors, some people cut out a seated meal, some people cut out a meal altogether and just do apps and dessert, some people only do desserts, some people do brunch, some people do Friday weddings, some people do Sunday weddings, some people do weekday weddings, some people do DW with AHR, some people do DW without AHR, some people only do +1s for people with SOs

    There are about a BILLION ways that people try to cut costs on their weddings because weddings are crazy expensive. All of the ways listed above piss some people off...there is just no way around it. Is it rude, yes, I guess. I would love to know about anyone here who didn't somehow offend at least one guest somehow at their wedding. I know of at least one guest who isn't happy that we aren't allowing children...oh well...
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_8-people-left-out-of-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:872c1edc-ae0b-4f8f-ab78-85b33245ebc7Post:54a49aa9-fd30-4696-a778-8c3b566a49ec">Re: 8 people left out of reception</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sigh...that's from where I live... Here's my thing...some people cut out the whole bar, some people only serve some types of alcohol, some people only serve alcohol for a few hours, some people stop the bar during dinner, some people cut out kids, some people cut out guests at dinner, some people cut out favors, some people cut out a seated meal, some people cut out a meal altogether and just do apps and dessert, some people only do desserts, some people do brunch, some people do Friday weddings, some people do Sunday weddings, some people do weekday weddings, some people do DW with AHR, some people do DW without AHR, some people only do +1s for people with SOs There are about a BILLION ways that people try to cut costs on their weddings because weddings are crazy expensive. All of the ways listed above piss some people off...there is just no way around it. Is it rude, yes, I guess. I would love to know about anyone here who didn't somehow offend at least one guest somehow at their wedding. I know of at least one guest who isn't happy that we aren't allowing children...oh well...
    Posted by number55[/QUOTE]
    Your examples are way different than inviting some people to only part of the reception.  
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    edited September 2010
    really? Because there are people on TK who think that not having open bar is the end of the world.  I am not suggesting that tiered receptions are okay, nor am I having one. But some people may genuinely not care about it. I have heard that in certain areas of Ontario they can be fairly common (not that I have ever been to one, but I have been to SEVERAL cash bar weddings). 

    I just think different things bug different people. Maybe their 8 guests were just happy to come for cake.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_8-people-left-out-of-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:872c1edc-ae0b-4f8f-ab78-85b33245ebc7Post:54a49aa9-fd30-4696-a778-8c3b566a49ec">Re: 8 people left out of reception</a>:
    [QUOTE]Sigh...that's from where I live... Here's my thing...some people cut out the whole bar, some people only serve some types of alcohol, some people only serve alcohol for a few hours, some people stop the bar during dinner, some people cut out kids, some people cut out guests at dinner, some people cut out favors, some people cut out a seated meal, some people cut out a meal altogether and just do apps and dessert, some people only do desserts, some people do brunch, some people do Friday weddings, some people do Sunday weddings, some people do weekday weddings, some people do DW with AHR, some people do DW without AHR, some people only do +1s for people with SOs There are about a BILLION ways that people try to cut costs on their weddings because weddings are crazy expensive. All of the ways listed above piss some people off...there is just no way around it. Is it rude, yes, I guess. I would love to know about anyone here who didn't somehow offend at least one guest somehow at their wedding. I know of at least one guest who isn't happy that we aren't allowing children...oh well...
    Posted by number55[/QUOTE]

    So far as I know, we didn't offend anyone.  We went out of our way to ensure that we didn't.  People may have been disappointed that they had to travel, or that they had a conflict that weekend and couldn't attend, but I don't know how we would have offended anyone.  And, we didn't have an unlimited budget.

    I think, in general, that you're referring to people being disappointed in choices that the bride and groom make.  While they may describe it as being offended, that's not really appropriate in many of the scenerios you described - the B&G choosing a Friday weddings vs a Saturday wedding isn't improper.  One shouldn't be OFFENDED by it.  Unable to attend, perhaps?  Sure.  Disappointed by that?  Of course.  But not OFFENDED.  People claim to take offense at the most ridiculous things.  Being invited to only part of the reception is offense-worthy.  Having a reception that isn't the guests's first choice?   Absolutely not.
    DIY & Planning | Married 

    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
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    edited September 2010
    I disagree based on what I have read people write here on TK...I have read about people being upset at having to travel, feeling put out about their kids not being able to come, offended because they don't like wine or beer and that is all that is being offered...fine, there is a fine line between being offended and being disappointed. And I am sure that someone could make me a little hierarchy of the wedding etiquette sins and a tiered reception would be fairly high up on the list. I wasn't so much commenting that it wasn't rude, just that it is one of the never-ending list of things that people find rude when it comes to weddings.
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    They did invite everyone to dinner, and being such an intimate wedding I'd imagine they knew everyone they had invited really, really well.  While I am not an advocate for tiered receptions like that, I know the majority of my very close family is older (or very, very young), and would not be offended if they were not invited to come dancing/celebrating with us after dinner.

    Etiquette-wise, is it rude and improper?  Absolutely.  Is it ultimately the bride's decision?  Yep.  If it impacts her relationships with the people she didn't invite afterwards, she'll have to deal with the fall-out; otherwise, she's just lucky she was able to pull that off without offending her guests.
    Mrs. Abbe Peanut Butter || Planning Bio
    June 2012 February Signature: Favorite picture of you & FI
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    in the british isles where i live, the 'evening do' which i think is like a tiered reception (i could be wrong) is the norm, i am having somewhere between 80-100 for the service and meal, and a further 20-30 work colleagues who i really like but we don't hang out outside work unless doing work nights out;, coming after dinner when the dancing starts,  now that i read all this i may rot in hell!
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    edited September 2010
    Yes Top Cat...from what I have heard what we call tiered receptions in North America happen a lot in Great Britain...whether you all rot in hell for it remains to be seen :) 

    I know that nobody likes to hear the 'its regional' excuse for things like tiered receptions, stag and does, dollar dances, and cash bar (and I am not saying any of this to justify my own choices since I am doing none of those) but there are obviously some aspects of weddings that do follow somewhat regional acceptance...again, not suggesting that they aren't rude just that they do happen with relatively frequency and acceptance in some circles...
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    and the british are supposed to be so polite. I'm originally from canada and i struggle with some of the regional etiquette versus what i grew up with, there have been many a heated conversation with the FI over some of them!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_8-people-left-out-of-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:872c1edc-ae0b-4f8f-ab78-85b33245ebc7Post:dcde8b72-a385-41c6-8715-0aee37ae23c2">Re: 8 people left out of reception</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>They did invite everyone to dinner</strong>, and being such an intimate wedding I'd imagine they knew everyone they had invited really, really well.  While I am not an advocate for tiered receptions like that, I know the majority of my very close family is older (or very, very young), and would not be offended if they were not invited to come dancing/celebrating with us after dinner. Etiquette-wise, is it rude and improper?  Absolutely.  Is it ultimately the bride's decision?  Yep.  If it impacts her relationships with the people she didn't invite afterwards, she'll have to deal with the fall-out; otherwise, she's just lucky she was able to pull that off without offending her guests.
    Posted by DrPB2b13[/QUOTE]
    No they didn't.  They 8 people were invited after dinner for cake and drinks.  
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    Number, you honestly see a tiered reception the same way that you see a B&G offering only beer & wine and not mixed drinks?  I don't get it.  The first is one of the worst etiquette sins at weddings, in my opinion.  The second isn't a breech of etiquette at all. 
    DIY & Planning | Married 

    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic



    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
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    emilyinchileemilyinchile member
    First Comment
    edited September 2010
    There's a difference between someone being upset and something being objectively rude. It is not objectively rude to decide you would like to make an event adult-only or alcohol-free, but it is objectively rude in the US to invite people to only part of the reception. Some people believe it's a nice way to include more people, but it comes across as "we like you enough to dance with you and make you feel obligated to get us a gift, but you can't watch the meaningful part of the day, and we're not about to feed you." I think a cash bar would be rude, although that particular custom seems to be more regional whereas I've yet to hear of a part of the US where it's ok to have a tiered reception.

    We did do that because in Chile it's not considered rude, but it took some convincing because at first I was really against it based on what's ok where I'm from.

    ETA: I see that this couple is in Canada, so I'm not 100% sure on etiquette there, but from what I've heard from the Canadians on this board, it's not ok.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_8-people-left-out-of-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:872c1edc-ae0b-4f8f-ab78-85b33245ebc7Post:0d1b8a6c-706d-4e26-ba85-585f56eebc2b">Re: 8 people left out of reception</a>:
    [QUOTE]There's a difference between someone being upset and something being objectively rude. It is not objectively rude to decide you would like to make an event adult-only or alcohol-free, but it is objectively rude in the US to invite people to only part of the reception. Some people believe it's a nice way to include more people, but it comes across as "we like you enough to dance with you and make you feel obligated to get us a gift, but you can't watch the meaningful part of the day, and we're not about to feed you." I think a cash bar would be rude, although that particular custom seems to be more regional whereas I've yet to hear of a part of the US where it's ok to have a tiered reception. We did do that because in Chile it's not considered rude, but it took some convincing because at first I was really against it based on what's ok where I'm from. ETA: I see that this couple is in Canada, so I'm not 100% sure on etiquette there, but from what I've heard from the Canadians on this board, it's not ok.
    Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
    A long time ago, someone from Canada came posting about tiered receptions and how they are common and acceptable there.  Then  a lot of different Canadian posters said it's not that common and quite rude.  So, I'm not really sure.  I would assume the region of Canada also has something to do with it.  <div>
    </div><div>To compare it to cash bars...  A cash bar is rude everywhere in the USA, it's just more accepted in certain regions of the USA.  </div>
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    I'm Canadian..from Saskatchewan..there are so many weddings I've only been invited to just the dance.  It's not just acceptable or normal, it's just the way it is.  People just like to party, and have big parties, so usually just family and close friends go to the reception, and everyone shows up after to drink (always a cash bar) and dance.
    We might be breaking so many 'rules' I suppose, but until I signed up for TK, I didn't even know it was 'unacceptable' to not invite everyone to the reception!
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    I hate to say it but the regional thing is true, cash bars are pretty normal for weddings where I'm from.  In fact, I don't remember the last one I went to that didn't have one.
    image
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    same here mrspat7
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_8-people-left-out-of-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:872c1edc-ae0b-4f8f-ab78-85b33245ebc7Post:5beb3e87-9e17-4074-8cb0-aa52315f3605">Re: 8 people left out of reception</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: 8 people left out of reception : No they didn't.  They 8 people were invited after dinner for cake and drinks.  
    Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

    My understanding from the blog post is that 45 people were invited for the ceremony and a small dinner-only reception.  The 8 people were then invited to party afterward.  They even discuss the restaurant they picked as a dinner venue and mention that it only seated 52 and how that helped them pare down their guest list.  I fail to understand how you have gotten the impression that they did not serve their guests dinner.  Their budget was given as $9000, and I was under the impression that included dinner for all 45 guests.  I'm really not sure how one spends that much on 8 guests unless the dress was $6k.
    Mrs. Abbe Peanut Butter || Planning Bio
    June 2012 February Signature: Favorite picture of you & FI
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