How to handle an unsupporting MOH..

italy87 · January 2011

I have a cousin, who was getting married in 6 months and her parents told her it was customary to have a sister to be the MOH. The parent were insistent that the older sister(whom is already married and the younger sis was the MOH for her), be the younger sis's MOH. The sister was not too extremely thrilled of the groom to be, but things seemed ok. As things moved along towards the wedding, the sister has . The groom have African-American s married into his immediate family. She(MOH to be) has made comments about the grooms extended family(which is of no relation to the MOH to be). Some of the remarks have been extremely unkind and hurtful. The MOH to be has made racial comments about not wanting to be related to N**gers, after they had gotten engaged. Why accept being a MOH if this was her position on the groom and you do not support inter-racial marriages and she has an issue with blacks?? Now imagine if she became pregnant and due around the time of the wedding. This seems to be dramma of a MOH to be to hurt the bride to be and over shadow the wedding. What should my cousin do? People state it is rude and inconvievable to ask someone to step down from the wedding party. Even after making racist remarks of the groom and his family.

aerinpegadrak · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-unsupporting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b53564e3-5892-43c0-977e-0c5211647ad0Post:36d040e5-4337-4502-a076-d866287f1e03">How to handle an unsupporting MOH..</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a cousin, who was getting married in 6 months and her parents told her it was customary to have a sister to be the MOH. The parent were insistent that the older sister(whom is already married and the younger sis was the MOH for her), be the younger sis's MOH. The sister was not too extremely thrilled of the groom to be, but things seemed ok. As things moved along towards the wedding, the sister has . The groom have African-American s married into his immediate family. She(MOH to be) has made comments about the grooms extended family(which is of no relation to the MOH to be). Some of the remarks have been extremely unkind and hurtful. The MOH to be has made racial comments about not wanting to be related to N**gers, after they had gotten engaged. Why accept being a MOH if this was her position on the groom and you do not support inter-racial marriages and she has an issue with blacks?? Now imagine if she became pregnant and due around the time of the wedding. This seems to be dramma of a MOH to be to hurt the bride to be and over shadow the wedding. What should my cousin do? People state it is rude and inconvievable to ask someone to step down from the wedding party. Even after making racist remarks of the groom and his family.
Posted by italy87[/QUOTE]
Talk to her cousin to cousin, not The Bride to errant MOH, about how hurtful and inappropriate her comments are. If she still doesn't back down, you'll have to decide where to go from there.

FWIW, I do think you'd be justified in kicking her out, but you can't really go halfway on something like this. If this is enough of a slight for you to kick her out of the WP, I think it's enough of a slight that you should retract her invitation to the wedding and be prepared to cut her (and any family who sides with her) out of your life until she comes around. But you should definitely give her a chance to make amends first.

ETA: Sorry, didn't realize this was for your cousin and not you. Same advice still applies, though, especially since this is her sister.

AutumnFair · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-unsupporting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b53564e3-5892-43c0-977e-0c5211647ad0Post:36d040e5-4337-4502-a076-d866287f1e03">How to handle an unsupporting MOH..</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a cousin, who was getting married in 6 months and her parents told her it was customary to have a sister to be the MOH. The parent were insistent that the older sister(whom is already married and the younger sis was the MOH for her), be the younger sis's MOH. The sister was not too extremely thrilled of the groom to be, but things seemed ok. As things moved along towards the wedding, the sister has . The groom have African-American s married into his immediate family. She(MOH to be) has made comments about the grooms extended family(which is of no relation to the MOH to be). Some of the remarks have been extremely unkind and hurtful. The MOH to be has made racial comments about not wanting to be related to N**gers, after they had gotten engaged. Why accept being a MOH if this was her position on the groom and you do not support inter-racial marriages and she has an issue with blacks?? Now imagine if she became pregnant and due around the time of the wedding. This seems to be dramma of a MOH to be to hurt the bride to be and over shadow the wedding. What should my cousin do? People state it is rude and inconvievable to ask someone to step down from the wedding party. Even after making racist remarks of the groom and his family.
Posted by italy87[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If I were your cousin I would tell my sister that she can't hold her tongue around my FI and myself, she is going to get a sock it her mouth. If my sister was racists and making those kinds of comments to me, I would be on the verge of cutting that person out of my life.</div><div>
</div><div> I usually don't like to suggest this but for your cousin's situation I will. She needs to straight up ask her sister if she wants to be in the wedding, if she does she needs to change her attitude with having black ILs and she needs to stop with the snide racists comments because not only is it disrespectful to the FI, it is disrespectful to the Bride (her sister). Your cousin can kick her sister out but she needs to prepare for damaging, if not totally ending relationship with her sister. That would be the consequence if she kicks her sister out. But I would tell your cousin she needs to give her sister a talk about her racists remarks and how it's not only hurtful to her but it's going to cause her to end her relationship with her sister.</div><div>
</div>

italy87 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-unsupporting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b53564e3-5892-43c0-977e-0c5211647ad0Post:44b6c0a0-00da-4169-ae8b-2813dadce4e7">Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How to handle an unsupporting MOH.. : If I were your cousin I would tell my sister that she can't hold her tongue around my FI and myself, she is going to get a sock it her mouth. If my sister was racists and making those kinds of comments to me, I would be on the verge of cutting that person out of my life. I usually don't like to suggest this but for your cousin's situation I will. She needs to straight up ask her sister if she wants to be in the wedding, if she does she needs to change her attitude with having black ILs and she needs to stop with the snide racists comments because not only is it disrespectful to the FI, it is disrespectful to the Bride (her sister). Your cousin can kick her sister out but she needs to prepare for damaging, if not totally ending relationship with her sister. That would be the consequence if she kicks her sister out. But I would tell your cousin she needs to give her sister a talk about her racists remarks and how it's not only hurtful to her but it's going to cause her to end her relationship with her sister.
Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

Thank you for your input of being candor...

It is already dividing the family somewhat. With me being a cousin of both, it put me in a difficult situation and her making those comments makes me a little unconfortable. I dont want to take sides and want to support both. But as with several people in the family, they are trying to stay neutral. I see this as a loose lose situation. But by not taking sides, am I really taking sides?? Is by not condeming her sister's racial comments, really condoning her sister? I am on the outside looking in. The sister is talking to only certain family members about her comments. It is like she is looking to find family members supporting her position(her racist position). I do not speak with him much, and how would you think this makes the groom feel??? I can only imagine how much pressure he is feeling. here he has a woman he loves so much and asked to marry her, but because of members of his family having inter-racial marriages, it is causing drama to his bride to be that is a day that is supposed to be one of the most enjoyous days of her life. I fear to get involved or say anything. racism is an extremely sensitive subject and people tend to tread lightly and ignore it as if it no longer exsists.

aerinpegadrak · January 2011

I honestly think that you need to pick a side. It's your older cousin who's dividing the family with her behavior, not you. The bride needs to handle the situation as far as it affects the wedding, but I think it would really help her to know that at least someone in the family is on her side and in full support of her marriage. Interracial marriages can be very difficult, and I'm sure she needs all the help she can get.

Cynthia1207 · January 2011

Your cousin's FI surely has heard these comments before proposing to her. especially if he's marrying into an italian family, these comments were bound to come up. I'm Italian so I know how these things go. It's not really about racism it's about ''not marrying an Italian''. Honestly if they want to marry each other, one person's comments shouldn't stop that. She can do 2 things:

1- Ignore her. If everyone just ignores her comments, at one point she'll have no choice but to stop because she lost her audience.

2- Confront her. She'll have to speak to her firmly about how it's her decision to marry whomever she wants. Racist comments are no longer accepted, he will be your BIL deal with it or leave.

AutumnFair · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-unsupporting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b53564e3-5892-43c0-977e-0c5211647ad0Post:97a448e1-7093-4129-bea4-4d80a772527e">Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH.. : Thank you for your input of being candor... It is already dividing the family somewhat. With me being a cousin of both, it put me in a difficult situation and her making those comments makes me a little unconfortable. I dont want to take sides and want to support both. But as with several people in the family, they are trying to stay neutral. I see this as a loose lose situation. But by not taking sides, am I really taking sides?? <strong>Is by not condeming her sister's racial comments, really condoning her sister? </strong> I am on the outside looking in.<strong> The sister is talking to only certain family members about her comments. It is like she is looking to find family members supporting her position(her racist position). </strong> I do not speak with him much, and how would you think this makes the groom feel??? I can only imagine how much pressure he is feeling. here he has a woman he loves so much and asked to marry her, but because of members of his family having inter-racial marriages, it is causing drama to his bride to be that is a day that is supposed to be one of the most enjoyous days of her life. I fear to get involved or say anything. racism is an extremely sensitive subject and people tend to tread lightly and ignore it as if it no longer exsists.
Posted by italy87[/QUOTE]

<div>The only reason I am being very harsh to the racists sister and yes, even condoning her sister is because the remarks her sister is making is like you said being directly related to your cousin (the Bride) and her FI. She is disrespecting not only her sister's FI but also her own sister because when your a social unit you are one. And to me, I will not tolerate my sister, cousin, aunt, uncle, parent, whoever to publicly disrespect me or my FI with their direct racists comments. If she would be a closest racists that is her business but when she opens her big mouth and makes it known to the whole family her racists thoughts then I have a problem. </div><div>
</div><div>As you just said, she is trying to find family to say her rude and disrespectful comments are alright. I myself would not be in the middle, I would stand up for what I believe in which is the cousin (Bride) and her FI. I know people want to stand neutral but when it comes to something serious like open racism people should unite and tell the racists sister that she is wrong. Maybe then she will see her attitude and remarks will not be tolerate.</div><div>
</div><div>Oh yes, I can't imagine the terrible and awkward situation your cousin's FI must be in. Once again, why I suggest that in situations like this where it's a serious issue like racism, a family should unite around the couple and support them that they don't believe in it and condone the sister's actions. </div><div>
</div><div>One thing I want to know is where are the parents of these two sister in this? My parents would never tolerate racism and would do everything in their power to stop the negative thought process be it counseling or whatever.</div>

italy87 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-unsupporting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b53564e3-5892-43c0-977e-0c5211647ad0Post:d99776b8-b9bc-48d6-b178-7234e2385b0d">Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH..</a>:
[QUOTE]I honestly think that you need to pick a side. It's your older cousin who's dividing the family with her behavior, not you. The bride needs to handle the situation as far as it affects the wedding, but I think it would really help her to know that at least someone in the family is on her side and in full support of her marriage. Interracial marriages can be very difficult, and I'm sure she needs all the help she can get.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

I understand what you are saying. And my cousin's Husband to be is not African-American. it is his family members whom are married to African-Americans.

And if I take sides, what happens if there are others who take the older sister's side. I will have them against me as well. her older sister seems to be devious and elusive with her shenanigans.

GoodLuckBear14 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-unsupporting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b53564e3-5892-43c0-977e-0c5211647ad0Post:8e14d621-5ab4-4952-8c3e-30ee5bd8a81c">Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH.. : I understand what you are saying. And my cousin's Husband to be is not African-American. it is his family members whom are married to African-Americans. And if I take sides, what happens if there are others who take the older sister's side. I will have them against me as well. her older sister seems to be devious and elusive with her shenanigans.
Posted by italy87[/QUOTE]

I have racists in my extended family as well. Believe me, they all know where I stand. If they don't like me for not agreeing with them, that's their problem. I'd rather that they know I don't agree with them than have them think that I agree with their views because i never said anything.

italy87 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-unsupporting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b53564e3-5892-43c0-977e-0c5211647ad0Post:735982af-aba9-4021-83bf-169d6e51ee9a">Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH.. : The only reason I am being very harsh to the racists sister and yes, even condoning her sister is because the remarks her sister is making is like you said being directly related to your cousin (the Bride) and her FI. She is disrespecting not only her sister's FI but also her own sister because when your a social unit you are one. And to me, I will not tolerate my sister, cousin, aunt, uncle, parent, whoever to publicly disrespect me or my FI with their direct racists comments. If she would be a closest racists that is her business but when she opens her big mouth and makes it known to the whole family her racists thoughts then I have a problem. As you just said, she is trying to find family to say her rude and disrespectful comments are alright. I myself would not be in the middle, I would stand up for what I believe in which is the cousin (Bride) and her FI. I know people want to stand neutral but when it comes to something serious like open racism people should unite and tell the racists sister that she is wrong. Maybe then she will see her attitude and remarks will not be tolerate. Oh yes, I can't imagine the terrible and awkward situation your cousin's FI must be in. Once again, why I suggest that in situations like this where it's a serious issue like racism, a family should unite around the couple and support them that they don't believe in it and condone the sister's actions. One thing I want to know is where are the parents of these two sister in this? My parents would never tolerate racism and would do everything in their power to stop the negative thought process be it counseling or whatever.
Posted by AutumnFair[/QUOTE]

The parents in the beginning, when this start to unfold, speaking with the older sis to keep her mouth shut and be supportive, as her younger sis would be with her. She is not marrying him, heryounger sis is. but it was quiet for about a month, but has since started again with the sister and her comments and drama with members of the family talking behind closed doors, rallying troops in her defense. Well, now the parents are like, well it's your sister and it seems she is not going to change. They are not commenting on it, nor getting involved in it, but still feel her older sis should be in the wedding as the MOH and dont want to talk about the remarks and drama. they seem to want to take the ignore approach and it will go away. My fear is at some point this may come out to the grooms family. Then what happens at the wedding??? What I dont understand is why would the older sis accept being the MOH if she was against it, then get pregnant later on??

AutumnFair · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-unsupporting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b53564e3-5892-43c0-977e-0c5211647ad0Post:4769f4f1-cf3d-4b93-949b-031ec8bea1c5">Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH.. : <strong>The parents in the beginning, when this start to unfold, speaking with the older sis to keep her mouth shut and be supportive, as her younger sis would be with her</strong>. She is not marrying him, heryounger sis is. but it was quiet for about a month, but has since started again with the sister and her comments and drama with members of the family talking behind closed doors, rallying troops in her defense. Well, now the parents are like, well it's your sister and it seems she is not going to change. <strong>They are not commenting on it, nor getting involved in it, but still feel her older sis should be in the wedding as the MOH and dont want to talk about the remarks and drama</strong>. they seem to want to take the ignore approach and it will go away. <strong>My fear is at some point this may come out to the grooms family. Then what happens at the wedding??? </strong> What I dont understand is why would the older sis accept being the MOH if she was against it, then get pregnant later on??
Posted by italy87[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Wow, talk about drama.</div><div>
</div><div>Alright, I am severely disappointed in the parents. They need to support the younger daughter and need to go back to their original stance with the older daughter to STFU. I really don't care if the older sister has found some closet racists family members, this crap should NOT be tolerated. Them throwing this issue under the rug is NOT going to go away and if they want to make sure they keep in their younger daughter's lives they better get a handle on it, even if it pisses of the older daughter and other racists family members. </div><div>
</div><div>Once again, if I were in your cousin's shoes I would give her an ultimatum (I usually don't like these but this is a rare case that does need them). That her sister wants to be MOH, she needs to stop with the racists comments.</div><div>
</div><div>As for her being PG, her PG has nothing to do with this in my book. It has to deal with her sister being openly racists and making disrespectful comments about the younger sister's FI. I would be giving the same advice if the older sister wasn't PG.

</div>

GoodLuckBear14 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-unsupporting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b53564e3-5892-43c0-977e-0c5211647ad0Post:4769f4f1-cf3d-4b93-949b-031ec8bea1c5">Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH.. : The parents in the beginning, when this start to unfold, speaking with the older sis to keep her mouth shut and be supportive, as her younger sis would be with her. She is not marrying him, heryounger sis is. but it was quiet for about a month, but has since started again with the sister and her comments and drama with members of the family talking behind closed doors, rallying troops in her defense. Well, now the parents are like, well it's your sister and it seems she is not going to change. They are not commenting on it, nor getting involved in it, but still feel her older sis should be in the wedding as the MOH and dont want to talk about the remarks and drama. they seem to want to take the ignore approach and it will go away. My fear is at some point this may come out to the grooms family. Then what happens at the wedding??? What I dont understand is why would the older sis accept being the MOH if she was against it, then get pregnant later on??
Posted by italy87[/QUOTE]

I'd be stunned if the groom isn't aware of this already and at some point, his family is going to find out. I still don't understand how the bride wouldn't know of her sister's views yet she still asked her to be MOH.

I'd bet that the parents don't want to talk about it for one of two reasons. Either they agree with the racist views or they don't want to admit that they raised a racist.

The bride has to realize that she has a mess on her hands. If she's not willing to stand up to the racists in her family, she is likely going to have one difficult marriage. Racism goes to the core of a person's morals and beliefs and in this case, it is going to be directed at her husband's family. And for you and her, I think this is something you can't be quiet about because not speaking up is tacit approval of something ugy.

aerinpegadrak · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-unsupporting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b53564e3-5892-43c0-977e-0c5211647ad0Post:8e14d621-5ab4-4952-8c3e-30ee5bd8a81c">Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH.. : I understand what you are saying. And my cousin's Husband to be is not African-American. it is his family members whom are married to African-Americans. And if I take sides, what happens if there are others who take the older sister's side. I will have them against me as well. her older sister seems to be devious and elusive with her shenanigans.
Posted by italy87[/QUOTE]
Then I wouldn't want anything to do with the others, either. I personally feel it's a pretty cut-and-dried issue, here, and I think that if you're not actively opposing behavior like this, you're supporting it. It's not always easy to do what's right.

jcamm11 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_handle-unsupporting-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b53564e3-5892-43c0-977e-0c5211647ad0Post:36d040e5-4337-4502-a076-d866287f1e03">How to handle an unsupporting MOH..</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a cousin, who was getting married in 6 months and her parents told her it was customary to have a sister to be the MOH. The parent were insistent that the older sister(whom is already married and the younger sis was the MOH for her), be the younger sis's MOH. The sister was not too extremely thrilled of the groom to be, but things seemed ok. As things moved along towards the wedding, the sister has . The groom have African-American s married into his immediate family. She(MOH to be) has made comments about the grooms extended family(which is of no relation to the MOH to be). Some of the remarks have been extremely unkind and hurtful. The MOH to be has made racial comments about not wanting to be related to N**gers, after they had gotten engaged. Why accept being a MOH if this was her position on the groom and you do not support inter-racial marriages and she has an issue with blacks?? <strong>Now imagine if she became pregnant and due around the time of the wedding. This seems to be dramma of a MOH to be to hurt the bride to be and over shadow the wedding. What should my cousin do? People state it is rude and inconvievable to ask someone to step down from the wedding party. Even after making racist remarks of the groom and his family.</strong>
Posted by italy87[/QUOTE]

I think the racist comments are way out of line, and definitely need to be addressed.

I do NOT think the MOH got pregnant soley for the purpose of 'over shadowing' her sister's wedding! Your cousin is being rediculous for thinking this. If she wants to kick her out for ridiculing the grooms family, that's fine, but I really hope this isn't about the pregnancy.

Muffin'sMom · January 2011

Mom here. I WOULD NOT tolerate this in one of my children. I would stand by the youngest daughter and be there to confront the oldest. That is what being a parent is about. But, you don't know what attitudes swirl around behind closed doors. The youngest may be the one stepping out into something that the others may disapprove of in some way. It's a hard situation from the outside looking in.

All this being said, if you support her, then do so where people can see you. That's what being a HUMAN is about.

How to handle an unsupporting MOH..

Re: How to handle an unsupporting MOH..

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