New Jersey

Kinda annoyed with pregnant BM

No, this is not about what you think it is! I am 100% thrilled that my bridesmaid, and friend of 25 years is pregnant!

Her baby is due very soon, and my bachelorette party is scheduled for mid September. So by that time, the baby will be over a month old.

My Sister/MOH has been discussing the plans with me. Part of the plans include renting a limo, and the restaurant and bar that we'll be going to, just happen to be extremely close to this BM's house, making it pretty convenient for her.

Sister mentioned to me that this BM is concerned that she may need to go home to feed the baby if she is breastfeeding, so she didn't think having a limo was a good idea, and suggested maybe renting a van and having her husband drive us.

Here's the thing that bugs me.. if she has a baby or whatever, that is something that she needs to figure out, if she wants to attend and be a part of the bachelorette party. I don't think that the plans for the night should have to revolve around her situation. If she thinks that she may need to go home to feed the baby, then she should drive her own car, and take care of her own business. Since the places we will be at are so conveniently close to her house, that really shouldn't be a problem for her. Of course I'd love for her to be there, but this is something she tends to do quite a bit - things always end up being about her, and what is convenient for her. (she did something like that on my 30th birthday as well).

Also.. I've never had a baby, so I don't know for sure, but if you are breastfeeding, can't you just pump the milk into bottles and use that to feed the baby when you aren't around? I have a few friends with babies and I remember them doing that all of the time when they were breastfeeding.. I think there is the issue where a baby may not want to drink from a bottle? But this baby will be over a month old by this time..so correct me if I'm wrong on that one.. also, I'd assume if she had to physically breastfeed the baby that night, it would be more than 1 time during a 7 hour period, wouldn't it? So in that case, it doesn't sound like she'd be able to come out with us at all..so to me, having to only go home one time that night to feed the baby just doesn't make sense....

I hope it all works out in the end, and my sister keeps telling me to not worry about this bridesmaid, she will make sure the night goes smoothly and doesn't become "all about her".. so we'll see!

Re: Kinda annoyed with pregnant BM

  • NJhousewife22NJhousewife22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well some women choose not to give bottles at all to avoid nipple confusion, so I 100% understand her not wanting to just pump, BUT I do think it's unfair to tell everyone they should nix the limo because of her situation. She absolutely should drive her own car or arrange her own transportation if she needs a way to go back and forth. 

    (If her husband drives a van for all of you, who is watching the baby??)
  • Faith2730Faith2730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree that plans shouldn't be made around her.  If everyone wants the limo and is willing to pay for it then you should get it!  Maybe she just mentioned this idea to try and save you girls some money. 
  • edited December 2011
    I totally get where she may need to leave or not go at all, but no plans should change (such as getting rid of the limo) for her. Just as a side note, for my sisters B party one of her friends was breastfeeding and had a 2 mo old. She came out to NJ from VA for the weekend. pumped and froze her milk at the house, and even brought her pump in the limo in case she needed it. We were out in NYC all night and she was fine. Everyone is different, but just saying it can be done. My sister has even pumped while driving her own car! haha  (I think thats more illegal then texting haha)
  • edited December 2011
    Because she is going to have to go home to breastfeed she should just drive her own car.  I would not let her be the deciding factor if you guys get a limo or not.  And her husband driving the van is a huge buzz kill in my opinion!!
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  • Laurms15Laurms15 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I get carsick in busses so when I was a bridesmaid last fall I just took my own car instead of the party bus to/from the vineyards and I didn't drink. I didn't think it was fair to change the plans of the bridal party.

    That being said she has a right not to want to pump or not to be able to pump as breastfeeding can throw you many a curve ball. Additionally planning to go out 1month post partum is very ambitious. Most of my mom friends have hardly felt human 1 month post partum. So keep that in mind as it gets closer if she's not feeling up to much.
  • edited December 2011
    Having a 2 week old at home I can relate to her.......and there is no telling when the baby wants to eat (there i no schedule) and when the baby does want to eat, you really can't wait even for her to get home 20 minutes.  If she doesn't want to pump (100% understandable due to confusion esp at only 1 month), I don't see how she will be able to go and enjoy it.  If the baby is on formula then it's another story and she can go for the whole thing.  I don't think any of this should effecgt your plans, she should work around the deal.
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  • smw42smw42 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    First off, I would make your plans as you would like them to be and when she can make it she can. I wouldn't change things to cater to her, but don't force things upon her either.

    That being said- I would NOT bring up the pumping/bottle argument. That is her personal deicision and it will make you sound like a bridezilla if you start telling her how to feed her one-month old.

    Additonally, this is all theoretical. A lot can change once the baby is born and you just don't know. Breastfeeding is a tough thing to get the hang of and can take a new mom/baby a few weeks to get into the rhythm of things.

    I agree with User, make your plans as you want and she will attend what she can and not attend what she can't- simple as that. Worst case- if one BM doesn't attend, then such is life. I had 2 not attend, including my SIL, and it all worked out.
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  • smw42smw42 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_kinda-annoyed-pregnant-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:abfd0195-8fd3-4e29-adba-21fdcca9d9f1Post:7c4f4326-48e4-4740-ae85-eab791d97440">Re: Kinda annoyed with pregnant BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]I totally get where she may need to leave or not go at all, but no plans should change (such as getting rid of the limo) for her. Just as a side note, for my sisters B party one of her friends was breastfeeding and had a 2 mo old. She came out to NJ from VA for the weekend. pumped and froze her milk at the house, and even brought her pump in the limo in case she needed it. We were out in NYC all night and she was fine. Everyone is different, but just saying it can be done. My sister has even pumped while driving her own car! haha  (I think thats more illegal then texting haha)
    Posted by gymchick05[/QUOTE]

    This is just wrong on so many levels!
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_kinda-annoyed-pregnant-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:abfd0195-8fd3-4e29-adba-21fdcca9d9f1Post:1c88696a-142c-4ad0-a881-79a4de93d273">Kinda annoyed with pregnant BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, this is not about what you think it is! I am 100% thrilled that my bridesmaid, and friend of 25 years is pregnant! Her baby is due very soon, and my bachelorette party is scheduled for mid September. So by that time, the baby will be over a month old. My Sister/MOH has been discussing the plans with me. Part of the plans include renting a limo, and the restaurant and bar that we'll be going to, just happen to be extremely close to this BM's house, making it pretty convenient for her. Sister mentioned to me that this BM is concerned that she may need to go home to feed the baby if she is breastfeeding, so she didn't think having a limo was a good idea, and suggested maybe renting a van and having her husband drive us. Here's the thing that bugs me.. if she has a baby or whatever, that is something that she needs to figure out, if she wants to attend and be a part of the bachelorette party. I don't think that the plans for the night should have to revolve around her situation. If she thinks that she may need to go home to feed the baby, then she should drive her own car, and take care of her own business. Since the places we will be at are so conveniently close to her house, that really shouldn't be a problem for her. Of course I'd love for her to be there, but this is something she tends to do quite a bit - things always end up being about her, and what is convenient for her. (she did something like that on my 30th birthday as well). Also.. I've never had a baby, so I don't know for sure, but if you are breastfeeding, can't you just pump the milk into bottles and use that to feed the baby when you aren't around? I have a few friends with babies and I remember them doing that all of the time when they were breastfeeding.. I think there is the issue where a baby may not want to drink from a bottle? But this baby will be over a month old by this time..so correct me if I'm wrong on that one.. also, I'd assume if she had to physically breastfeed the baby that night, it would be more than 1 time during a 7 hour period, wouldn't it? So in that case, it doesn't sound like she'd be able to come out with us at all..so to me, having to only go home one time that night to feed the baby just doesn't make sense.... I hope it all works out in the end, and my sister keeps telling me to not worry about this bridesmaid, she will make sure the night goes smoothly and doesn't become "all about her".. so we'll see!
    Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]


    Also if I have a 1 month baby at home that I was breastfeeding I would not be going to a bach party.
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  • LissyM83LissyM83 member
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011

    1) If I had a one month old infant at home, I would not be going to a Bach. party.

    2) If she's concerned with being home on time for breast-feeding, then she should take her own car and it should not have any affect on your plans to take a limo.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_kinda-annoyed-pregnant-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:abfd0195-8fd3-4e29-adba-21fdcca9d9f1Post:7a622d13-95a2-4342-9228-02abc161ef1c">Re: Kinda annoyed with pregnant BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well some women choose not to give bottles at all to avoid nipple confusion, so I 100% understand her not wanting to just pump, BUT I do think it's unfair to tell everyone they should nix the limo because of her situation. She absolutely should drive her own car or arrange her own transportation if she needs a way to go back and forth.  (If her husband drives a van for all of you, who is watching the baby??)
    Posted by NJhousewife22[/QUOTE]
    This exactly.  For all she knows she may have a baby who feeds every hour and a half, and she won't be able to go at all. She really shouldn't expect everyone to make sure the plans revolve around her feeding schedule.
  • edited December 2011
    I think you should book what you want to book. If she can't make it, she can't make it. My ONLY attendant, my Matron of Honor, is due in November. We had my and fi's joint bach party in A.C. in June. I knew she probably wouldn't want to/be able to come (she gets tired and what pregnant woman wants to go to a bar?). So we went out to lunch together and she ended up paying (totally up to her, i went to lunch with her preparing to pay, didn't expect anything).
     WHat I'm saying is, maybe you can suggest doing something low-key with her before/ after the baby is born -- lunch, getting your nails done, coffee, etc.
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  • cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I was definitely wondering, if her husband drove us, who would be watching the baby? She had already talked about how he'd be watching her that night.
    And I agree that him driving us would be a buzz kill for me.. there is no way in the world she would've had my FI drive us around the night of her bachelorette party.

    I would never say anything to her about pumping, I know that is completely up to her, and I'd understand if she couldn't come because of the breastfeeding.. I also know that sometimes a mother plans to breastfeed, but it doesn't work out, so they end up having to use formula.. so who knows.. it is definitely all theoretical at this point. It would be unfair at this point to make the plans around her, if she didn't even end up being able to attend.

    the wedding is exactly 1 week after the b-party, and she is planning to attend the wedding. She has already said her MIL will be watching the baby that night.. so I'm not sure how she plans to do that, if she does have a situation with breastfeeding, and that's why it was a little confusing to me as to why it would be a problem for the b-party, but not the wedding... (she bought her dress already, so she's definitely planning on being there, just not sure how).

    Part of the b-party plans actually involve everyone meeting up at her house for cocktails before going to dinner, so if she'd still be up for that, at least I could "celebrate" with her then.. I know she really wants to come, but it is just silly at this point for us to be worrying about the situation, when we have no clue what's going to happen.
  • NJhousewife22NJhousewife22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    All things aside, offering to host cocktails for girls at her house after having a baby a month ago is REALLY generous! 
  • edited December 2011
    if she is feeding it may be best for her to bring the baby to the reception with the baby sittter so she can feed on demand and then have someone hold her while she has fun.
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  • bereasonable2bereasonable2 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Eff her. Get the limo and tell her to figure it out.
  • cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_kinda-annoyed-pregnant-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:abfd0195-8fd3-4e29-adba-21fdcca9d9f1Post:f672d789-4e8d-4563-b3c9-9d6b473ef724">Re: Kinda annoyed with pregnant BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]if she is feeding it may be best for her to bring the baby to the reception with the baby sittter so she can feed on demand and then have someone hold her while she has fun.
    Posted by USER876[/QUOTE]
    Yeah, that's not going to happen... we have other guests with infants or toddlers, and we did not invite kids or babies to the reception..  one of the groomsmen's wives will be having a baby in early September, one of them has 3 little kids....none of them are invited...so if she cannot figure out a way to attend the reception without the baby, that is not my concern.. I guess she won't be able to attend then.

    And yes, offering to have cocktails at her house is definitely very generous!
  • bereasonable2bereasonable2 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_kinda-annoyed-pregnant-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:abfd0195-8fd3-4e29-adba-21fdcca9d9f1Post:892f64ea-12aa-460e-b019-c1727921d845">Re: Kinda annoyed with pregnant BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kinda annoyed with pregnant BM : Yeah, that's not going to happen... we have other guests with infants or toddlers, and we did not invite kids or babies to the reception..  one of the groomsmen's wives will be having a baby in early September, one of them has 3 little kids....none of them are invited...so if she cannot figure out a way to attend the reception without the baby, that is not my concern.. I guess she won't be able to attend then. And yes, offering to have cocktails at her house is definitely very generous!
    Posted by cindyn9178[/QUOTE]

    It almost seems like User was being sarcastic.  That's the way I read it, anyway.
  • edited December 2011
    wasn't being sarcastic, it's hard with a 1 month old.........most wouldn't come unless they were able to bring them.  i think for your BM you can make an exception without the other's being pissed (most of them won't come anyway most likely).  This is a different situation than smoeone with older kids or toddlers.
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  • cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_kinda-annoyed-pregnant-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:abfd0195-8fd3-4e29-adba-21fdcca9d9f1Post:a996b2e3-bf21-4d95-b482-f7b498ad160d">Re: Kinda annoyed with pregnant BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]wasn't being sarcastic, it's hard with a 1 month old.........most wouldn't come unless they were able to bring them.  i think for your BM you can make an exception without the other's being pissed (most of them won't come anyway most likely).  This is a different situation than someone with older kids or toddlers.
    Posted by USER876[/QUOTE]
    That's the thing.. I am not making an exception for her just because she is a bridesmaid. I don't expect her to live her life around my wedding, so if she can't come because of the baby, that's fine.. I hope it all works out, because of course I want her there. There are others invited who will have an infant, and they are coming without the baby.. And if they couldn't come, that's fine as well...but I'm definitely not making any special exceptions for her....especially because of her history of always making things about her.

    Just to give a little more background..for my 30th birthday a few years ago, I planned a night out with a bunch of my friends, to attend a bar that is close to this BM's house.. she had asked if I minded if she invited one of her friends, because she really wanted to go to this bar. I said, of course that was fine. She also said myself and FI could come by her house before going to the bar to meet up, and then we'd leave from there.

    Well, she ended up inviting like 6 of her friends(more friends than I had coming).. and they were having a big sleepover party, and she didn't invite me to stay there.. so while we were ready to go to the bar, we had to sit around and wait for over an hour for all of her friends to get ready to go out, etc... and the entire night, she hung out with all of her friends at the bar, instead of me. (and these friends of her don't talk to me/don't like me for whatever reason, so that made things a ton more awkward).

    That's just one example... her parents will also be at my wedding, and her sister is also a BM, so knowing how she is, it would become this big thing with her and her family, and the baby.. I don't want to sound bratty, but it is our wedding day, and I really don't want her going around showing off her baby to my entire family at the wedding, and that is exactly what she would do.... So unfortunately, if she is breastfeeding and cannot leave the baby that night, then I guess she will not be able to attend.
  • edited December 2011
    Sucks that you may be one BM short.  Just be prepared for the question "can I bring the baby?"

    Reading through all of this, I am am puzzled why this person is even a BM to begin with....doesn't seem like the type of relationship that one has with someone when they are selected.
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  • smw42smw42 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_kinda-annoyed-pregnant-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:abfd0195-8fd3-4e29-adba-21fdcca9d9f1Post:bef6b8d4-f769-42f0-a92b-f4679e9030da">Re: Kinda annoyed with pregnant BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]Eff her. Get the limo and tell her to figure it out.
    Posted by bereasonable2[/QUOTE]

    Typical guy response (not offense User). If you want her to be there, then you have to make it conducive to her as well. If you're just about having a good time, then tell her your plans and if she comes she comes. But I don't see her having a 1 month old a reason to say "Eff her."
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  • jcg98jcg98 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have a different take on the renting a van thing.  Is it possible she meant she would bring the baby in the van, and then she could just leave the restaurant or bar and hop in the van to feed the baby when needed?  If that's the case, I'd be really surprised if she actually wants to do that when the time comes.  But if they really want to do that, they should just take their own car for that purpose, as others have said it shouldn't affect your plans to rent a limo.  (Plus if you said yes to it, and she decides last minute she doesn't want to do it after all, you are left with no van and no limo either.)


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  • cindyn9178cindyn9178 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    User... it is hard to explain the relationship...basically, we've known each other for 25 years, both her, and her sister.. we grew up together and are basically like 3 sisters.. so over the years, there have been some things that I don't like about her, and I'm sure there are things she doesn't like about me.. but we've still stayed close as far as a friendship goes, and kind of deal with the other stuff because of the long history amongst us. I was a BM in each of their weddings last year, and the year before, and I always planned on having both of them in my wedding... there is no way I could've not had them as BMs, and I wanted to have them.. this is just one of the things that I don't like about her.. if that makes sense.

    I definitely want her to be there, but I just don't feel right making an exception for her and not anybody else with a baby, it just wouldn't be fair to them.. and we can't have 4 or 5 babies at the reception.. neither of us (FI or I) want that... so hopefully we can figure out a resolution that works for everyone :)
  • bereasonable2bereasonable2 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_kinda-annoyed-pregnant-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:abfd0195-8fd3-4e29-adba-21fdcca9d9f1Post:0275ec4d-9734-4cf2-9b9f-2b387d3362a5">Re: Kinda annoyed with pregnant BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Kinda annoyed with pregnant BM : Typical guy response (not offense User). If you want her to be there, then you have to make it conducive to her as well. If you're just about having a good time, then tell her your plans and if she comes she comes. But I don't see her having a 1 month old a reason to say "Eff her."
    Posted by smw42[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, no offense User, only me.  Hahah.

    Well, turns out that the OP has stated this particular BM has always been about "me, me, me."  So, my response is probably the best one.

    She wants to turn the OP's thing into HER thing.  Well, eff her.  It's not about having a 1 month old baby.  If she can't make it because of um... being a PARENT, no one is going to blame her.

    To be honest, even if they rent a van FOR THE BM, and her husband drives the van around, you just never know with a 1 month old.  The BM may not even be able to make it at the last minute.  Now you've got a bunch of girls in a van with possibly no driver.

    So, just get the limo and try to be acommodating, but don't change your plans all together.
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