Wedding Etiquette Forum

Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?

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Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:10614a8f-b069-406a-bc98-2f43b3d87fda">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...? : I mean, that's probably not likely, but do you still think I want to write his name on an invitation to my wedding? Or do you think my FI wants that? And she's not a BM, just a guest... it's just an uncomforatble situation and I would rather not be uncomfortable on our wedding day, and I have control over who is invited, so why dig my own grave and invite him? I know it's etiquette but there have to be exceptions!
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    <div>Your wedding is not the time to judge other people's relationships though.  Unless you have told her before that you disapprove of their relationship, and think he is a shitty person, then your wedding isn't the time to show your disapproval.  If she honestly knows how you feel about him and the fact that they are dating, then I will say that I think it's fine not to invite him.</div>
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  • I would probably just not invite the friend with the crazy ex. Problem solved.
  • I would not invite the kids of the parents' friends.  I think that's a reasonable and 
    understandable cut, but I would allow the ex.  I understand not wanting him there, but he's dating your friend, and I doubt he will start anything at your wedding.  
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  • Thanks for the input, girls... I've got some soul searching to do :)

  • OP- you are knowingly offending your friends. By not inviting couples as a unit you will offend them. Period. End of story. If you don't care that you are rude or offending your friends, so be it... but why post?

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  • If your venue has security and you end up inviting crazy ex, just let them know ahead of time that at any sign of trouble he gets the boot.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:44e51551-61c8-4792-be11-c997b17185f5">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...? : After hearing so many horrific stories, let met tell you that it would not surprise me at all. But let's assume that the abusive ex-boyfriend manages not to physically assault her.  Abuse comes in many forms, the most common of which is emotional abuse.  Yes, I think that it is highly likely that he could verbally and emotioanlly abuse her. Humiliation is one of the hallmarks of an abuser. She should not have to be put in a position where her ex-boyfriend has the possibilty of interacting with her in any way, regardless of who he is currently dating.  
    Posted by FluffyCuddleBunny[/QUOTE]
    Then she shouldn't invite her friend that's dating him. And someone else brought up an interesting point: my bigger concern would be that my friend was dating an abusive d-bag, not whether to invite him to my wedding.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:d78cc05f-16cc-4f0c-8500-642e8e99358a">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the input, girls... I've got some soul searching to do :)
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]

    And invitations to re-write. 
  • I think you can invite the kids of the family friend couple without dates.  I don't know, when I was that age I was invited on the invite with my parents and I wasn't invited with a date.  I've never heard of anyone sending out seperate invites for an 18 year old living at home and giving them a plus 1.  Clearly that's not the etiquette I guess so it's up to you to follow the etiquette or not.

    an abusive ex?  Yes, etiquette says invite all S/Os but sorry, I'd be bending the rule on that one.  Although understand, she might not come then.  That's your call what matters more and what the situation is like.  If you've hung out with this guy before and now your saying you can't, as the girl I might be mad.  But if you've stayed clear of him otherwise, I wouldn't be including him here either. 

    The whole friends group thing I'm a little lost on so I got nothing there. Maybe invite A with her date and forget about K.  Or invite A with a date and just K and hope A just comes with K as her date. I dunno.
  • I think if one of my friends started dating my abusive ex, that would be a dealbreak with our friendship for me. But that's just me. :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:44e51551-61c8-4792-be11-c997b17185f5">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...? : After hearing so many horrific stories, let met tell you that it would not surprise me at all. But let's assume that the abusive ex-boyfriend manages not to physically assault her.  Abuse comes in many forms, the most common of which is emotional abuse.  Yes, I think that it is highly likely that he could verbally and emotioanlly abuse her. Humiliation is one of the hallmarks of an abuser. She should not have to be put in a position where her ex-boyfriend has the possibilty of interacting with her in any way, regardless of who he is currently dating.  
    Posted by FluffyCuddleBunny[/QUOTE]


    Again, I say: I think the bigger issue is that a close friend of OP is dating this abuser.

    Not to make a situation awkward, but I DID have an abusive ex, and if I found out that one of my close friends was dating this guy, I would probably end the friendship.  Granted: OP and I are not the same person, but that is what I would do in the situation.  I do not understand why someone would voluntarily date a person who was abusive to their friend.
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  • Of course the bigger issue is why her friend is dating her abusive ex-boyfriend, but that certainly can't be solved in an etiquette board posting.  

    I'm just trying to say, like peanutty2 above said, you have to bend the rules sometimes.  And I think excluding an abusive ex-boyfriend is just common sense.  
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  • Also Fluffy, I find your "I'm a therapist I know about this and you don't" tone to be condescending and obnoxious. I'm not suggesting anyone put themselves in harm's way and I know good and well what emotional abuse entails. Thanks Dr. Phil.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:a6d20447-06b2-4470-b1a9-a6568e4e0a95">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think if one of my friends started dating my abusive ex, that would be a dealbreak with our friendship for me. But that's just me. :)
    Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

    Yep.
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  • crfischecrfische member
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    edited June 2011
    UGH. Therapists are so stuffy. It's annoying.
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  • Honesty- I question if the ex was really abusive.  Not blaming the victim here, I just don't believe you.  If I stopped dating someone for abusing me, and one of my friends started dating him, that would be one less friend for me to worry about.  I don't care if a friend starts dating my ex, but an ex that she knows was abusive?  Yea...that's not my friend.  I think you just don't want an ex at your wedding.  If he really was abusive, I'm very sorry that you went through that, and that you're also clinging to a really insensitive and crappy friend.  I wouldn't invite either of them. 
  • Ditto LC. 

    Just because we're not licensed therapists, doesn't mean we have no idea what the ramifications of abuse are.

    And it would be quite another thing if the OP had said "my abusive ex who sends me threatening letters and talks about wanting to kill me."  If that was the case, I'm quite sure the ladies of this board would be telling her to file a restraining order, making the whole argument a moot point.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:5edd815a-0b0e-477d-80eb-6aedda239ce6">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also Fluffy, I find your "I'm a therapist I know about this and you don't" tone to be condescending and obnoxious. I'm not suggesting anyone put themselves in harm's way and I know good and well what emotional abuse entails. Thanks Dr. Phil.
    Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto.  It has made me not read anything she has written after I read that line.</div>
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  • Hey laurenclaire, I'm not trying to be a jerk here.  I'm just trying to put my two cents in from a perspective of someone familiar with domestic violence.  I was surprised that so many people were dismissive of the abusive ex and encouraging her to invite him.  And implying that she would be rude if she didn't invite him.  I had a different opinion, so I offered it.  I apologize if I came off as condescending.  
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  • I think a therapist would be more interested in why she has chosen to remaind friends with a girl who is dating her abusive ex.

    That's the good stuff, right there.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:ac0c96ec-1a86-4610-9d55-727b6879d783">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey laurenclaire, I'm not trying to be a jerk here.  I'm just trying to put my two cents in from a perspective of someone familiar with domestic violence.  I was surprised that so many people were dismissive of the abusive ex and encouraging her to invite him.  And implying that she would be rude if she didn't invite him.  I had a different opinion, so I offered it.  I apologize if I came off as condescending.  
    Posted by FluffyCuddleBunny[/QUOTE]

    <div>We weren't being dismissive of an abusive ex, only pointing out that it's an all or nothing deal in terms of etiquette. Either she doesn't invite the friend, or she sucks it up and lets her friend bring her BF. </div><div>
    </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:7f2ef697-509b-4538-95a3-f3b3732bb9ae">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...? : We weren't being dismissive of an abusive ex, only pointing out that it's an all or nothing deal in terms of etiquette. Either she doesn't invite the friend, or she sucks it up and lets her friend bring her BF. 
    Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]

    This.  And my vote would be to cut the friend and ex from the guest list. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:448073e3-24f1-4b7e-8a66-d032c8389267">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think a therapist would be more interested in why she has chosen to remaind friends with a girl who is dating her abusive ex. That's the good stuff, right there.
    Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

    It's not like you would know or anything.
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  • edited June 2011
    Haha, I guess I need to clarify my ex-and-friend sitch... we dated super briefly six years ago. We were teenagers. He had an alcohol problem, he was verbally abusive when drunk and I was super young and naive and it freaked me out so we stopped anything romantic, but continued to run in the same social circles (not always civilly) all through college... he and FI hate each other and they have gotten into drunk fights on multiple occasions. My first college roommate obviously joined that social circle, and last year they started dating after both leaving equally bad long-term relationships. He's 6 years older and wiser than he was when I knew him and she's 25, she's a big girl. She knows my opinion of him but she believes he's changed and she's happy, so that's good enough for me. She's been a constant friend of mine for several years so of course she's invited to the wedding. I'm not bothered by this guy anymore but its mostly because I never see him or think about him anymore, which obviously would have to change on my wedding day if he showed. Why she would want to bring this guy to the wedding when all of her friends are going single is beyond me, but it is what it is.

    I'm thinking maybe I'll write "and guest" on hers (okay, I'm petty, but I am NOT inviting this asshole ex BY NAME to my wedding) and express to her privately that it would make both me and FI uncomfortable if he came...
  • And really, nothing will be solved on a message board with people aren't open to other opinion's and views on a situation. Validation really never goes anywhere.

    OP, I would think about your friend's relationship with your ex and figure out if there are any underlying feelings there that go beyond your wedding.
  • It throws me off when people type out my full sn now. Fluffy, I know you weren't trying to be a jerk. It's one thing to state your opinion, and it's another to think that your opinion on etiquette is made more valid by your chosen profession.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • She wants to bring him because it's her boyfriend. That's what people do.
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  • OP - with your clarification:

    I don't want to minimize verbal abuse.  But you are basically saying that it was a long time ago, and you don't have a problem with him dating your friend.  I see two options:

    1) He really is an abusive asshole, and you *should* have a problem with him dating your friend, and you should deal with that.
    2) He is actually not an abusive asshole, and he should thus be invited to your wedding, by name, even if you don't like him.  And you definitely shouldn't "express to your friend" that you don't want her boyfriend there.

    If he's abusive, don't have him there.  But I really don't believe he's abusive enough to not invite, while being not too abusive to date your friend.
  • OP, I'm sorry that you went through that, and nobody is trying to trivialize abuse.

    However, six years is a long time, and the transition from teens to college students to young adults is a HUGE period of change.  It is very possible that he has stopped being a huge douchebag and has actually matured.

    I really don't think you have to worry about him hurting you at your wedding.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-rules-commonly-broken-am-just-hoping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:82dfecc6-f26c-468d-b8a5-880dfe16e7acPost:43adb495-81aa-4eab-ba58-fd1b63d72b1b">Re: Are these etiquette rules commonly broken or am I just hoping they are...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Haha, I guess I need to clarify my ex-and-friend sitch... we dated super briefly six years ago. We were teenagers. He had an alcohol problem, he was verbally abusive when drunk and I was super young and naive and it freaked me out so we stopped anything romantic, but continued to run in the same social circles (not always civilly) all through college... he and FI hate each other and they have gotten into drunk fights on multiple occasions. My first college roommate obviously joined that social circle, and last year they started dating after both leaving equally bad long-term relationships. He's 6 years older and wiser than he was when I knew him and she's 25, she's a big girl. She knows my opinion of him but she believes he's changed and she's happy, so that's good enough for me. She's been a constant friend of mine for several years so of course she's invited to the wedding. I'm not bothered by this guy anymore but its mostly because I never see him or think about him anymore, which obviously would have to change on my wedding day if he showed. Why she would want to bring this guy to the wedding when all of her friends are going single is beyond me, but it is what it is. I'm thinking maybe I'll write "and guest" on hers (okay, I'm petty, but I am NOT inviting this asshole ex BY NAME to my wedding) and express to her privately that it would make both me and FI uncomfortable if he came...
    Posted by stillaney[/QUOTE]
    Here's the thing about etiquette: its purpose is to make your guests comfortable. Inviting this friend of your sans her significant other is going to make her uncomfortable. You say that it will make you and your FI uncomfortable if he is there, but before that you said you're not bothered by him. Which is it? And you can't fathom why a person in a relationship would want to bring their significant other to a wedding? Really?
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