how to ask w/o making it worse

mbedwell · July 2010

Around the first of the year my FI's grandma found out that she had cancer. She also was told she may not live till xmas this year. When she sat us down to tell all of her family my FI and I never thought she may not be around to attend the wedding. After everything settled in we realized that our wedding is next Oct 1 and she may not be around. We wanted to do something so she could see and be apart of our wedding but every time we say something about it to my FI mom she tells us that she wouldn't want something like that. She also tells us that it would upset her more if we said something about it to her so we haven't because we don't want make things worse.. I know that my FI mom means well but I think my FI grandma would love it and appreciate that we wanted her there.. I guess what I'm asking is should we ask her to come to a fake/casual wedding or just drop the idea?

tidetravel · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ask-wo-making-worse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:ba8c8b07-ba7e-437c-9af2-cfc1ffb85e61Post:e8c26e27-35eb-4edb-bb51-ca560b00796b">how to ask w/o making it worse</a>:
[QUOTE]Around the first of the year my FI's grandma found out that she had cancer. She also was told she may not live till xmas this year. When she sat us down to tell all of her family my FI and I never thought she may not be around to attend the wedding. After everything settled in we realized that our wedding is next Oct 1 and she may not be around. We wanted to do something so she could see and be apart of our wedding but every time we say something about it to my FI mom she tells us that she wouldn't want something like that. She also tells us that it would upset her more if we said something about it to her so we haven't because we don't want make things worse.. I know that my FI mom means well but I think my FI grandma would love it and appreciate that we wanted her there.. I guess what I'm asking is should we ask her to come to a fake/casual wedding or just drop the idea?
Posted by mbedwell[/QUOTE]

Um. Why do you think your FGMIL would enjoy seeing a fake wedding? If it's important to you and FI that she be around for the wedding, and you don't think that she'll make it to OCT, scrap your plans, and have your ACTUAL wedding sooner, even if it means that it's a casual BBQ rather than a swanky formal affair.

sammichele · July 2010

Have you already had an engagement party? Since your wedding is still over a year away this is something you could do to celebrate your engagement and your pending wedding with your FI's grandma. Making up a fake wedding is not a good idea AT ALL.

Belle2Be · July 2010

I agree with tide, I don't see the point or "luxury" to see a fake wedding. I'd probably be more offended that my grandson couldn't fudge the date forward so I could see him get married before I died. But thats just me, everyone is different.

deepcovejackie · July 2010

I think that youf FI's mom is right, you shouldn't do anything like you're suggesting. You're the one that probably means well, but I think that idea is in poor taste. I'd probably move the (real) wedding up.

zitiqueen · July 2010

You're looking for a classy way to say "Hey Grandma, you're probably gonna be dead before we get married; instead of us getting married sooner so you can be there, how about we put on a pretend wedding that you'll know is pretend and everybody else will know is pretend because you'll be dead before the actual wedding but we'll all pretend that it's not pretend. Cool?"

brookelynpaisley · July 2010

I love you ziti

trix1223 · July 2010

Yeah, this is just an awful idea. Sorry. I know you think you mean well, but gosh....there's just no way this conversation turns out well.

Please listen to your FMIL and honor her wishes.

megk8oz · July 2010

Ditto the PPs, listen to your FI's mother. If she's telling you it's a bad idea, it's because the whole family is going to think it's a bad idea ... and you really don't need to get off on that kind of foot with your in-laws.

A fake wedding that everybody knows is fake isn't going to make grandma feel better. I hate to sound so incredibly crass about it, but if you're not going to move up the real wedding, then just keep planning as scheduled, and if she lives to see it, she lives to see it. If she doesn't ... well, it's not like if you staged a fake wedding she was going to die knowing your FI was really married anyway, so it doesn't really change anything.

If Grandma seeing you get married is the priority, then just move up the wedding.

scoetto · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ask-wo-making-worse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ba8c8b07-ba7e-437c-9af2-cfc1ffb85e61Post:902ad2d7-e14c-4053-93ef-b4f256ee0ebc">Re: how to ask w/o making it worse</a>:
[QUOTE]You're looking for a classy way to say "Hey Grandma, you're probably gonna be dead before we get married; instead of us getting married sooner so you can be there, how about we put on a pretend wedding that you'll know is pretend and everybody else will know is pretend because you'll be dead before the actual wedding but we'll all pretend that it's not pretend. Cool?"
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<3

Scrap the idea, honestly. Have an engagement party and include her and maybe do a family shower early so she can be included, too.

And if you do the fake wedding, but then she is able to come to the real one, too... how will that make everyone feel?

Lisa8888 · July 2010

That is a bad idea. Juat proceed with your real wedding.

mbedwell · July 2010

thanks for help us figure out what to do.. i shouldn't have said fake wedding because thats not what we really had in mind.. we never thought about having a engagement party because of trying to save for the wedding but we love the idea of being able to have one with her there..
Thanks again everyone

HisCB · July 2010

first off, im sorry that you are going through this during a time of your life that would ideally be all happiness.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_ask-wo-making-worse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:ba8c8b07-ba7e-437c-9af2-cfc1ffb85e61Post:e5da34c7-1b9d-4086-b7a3-962a9b9bcdfd">Re: how to ask w/o making it worse</a>:
[QUOTE] And if you do the fake wedding, but then she is able to come to the real one, too... how will that make everyone feel?
Posted by scoetto[/QUOTE]

yep good point.

i would either A: move the wedding up, but dont make a big deal that it is for gma in case she dies. that is thinking too negatively for my taste.

or B: just think positive and assume she will be around next year and go about the plans. Include her in parties, showers, wedding diy's etc.

Remember, There is always going to be "one more thing" that you want her to be there for. like this christmas, next easter, other holidays, great grand kids, someones graduation, first birthdays etc. you cant fake all of them so she can "see" them happen. also, i dont know her religious view but she may feel like she will be able to "see" you get married either way.

jmkes · July 2010

I would say try for even an informal engagement party. Also, rather than fixate on one event how about spending time with her? The two of you should make an effort to spend as much time with her as you can. That will mean more to her than just one day. The best thing you can give to her is your time. I made it a point to spend as much time as possible with my grandma, who helped raise me, before she died. I still wish I had another day with her and she's been gone 9 years. You may be busy and have your own lives, but you can't get more time back once she's gone.

Mioh1 · July 2010

i'm sorry about your grandma =/
you can get married at the courthouse and have a lovely reception

how to ask w/o making it worse

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