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Fiance's family not participating!!

KrimaterKrimater
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in Moms and Maids
So we have a little over 3 months until our wedding, and his mom doesn't even act like I exist! I had to beg for 9 months to get addresses for their side of the family. She never contacts me or tries to ask if I need any help with anything or how things are going. He also has a sister who is one of my bridesmaids and she is the same way. They also have not planned a rehersal dinner yet and I have been on them constantly about it!! I'm getting stressed out majorly because I know she isn't going to do anything!!! What should I do?!?!
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Re: Fiance's family not participating!!

  • MrsFlowers617MrsFlowers617 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It looks to me like now might be the time to bring in your fiance or if you have one your wedding planner. If someone other then you lets them know what they have to do maybe they will start moving on what needs to be done. Now if they are the type that has a million excuses maybe you should just have your family and friends takeover the rehearsal dinner since they are so unreliable.  You don't need the stress .
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  • slave4danceslave4dance
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i agree with the PP. What does FI say? It's his family so he should be helping mediate this situation. You don't need to have a fancy rehearsal dinner but if you anything you could ask your family to assist if its that stressful.
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  • covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fiances-family-not-participating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b79961da-96b3-4218-bd0a-6df4c03a0048Post:973794d3-3b6b-4c71-a795-e971367ae66c">Fiance's family not participating!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So we have a little over 3 months until our wedding, and his mom doesn't even act like I exist! I had to beg for 9 months to get addresses for their side of the family. She never contacts me or tries to ask if I need any help with anything or how things are going. He also has a sister who is one of my bridesmaids and she is the same way. They also have not planned a rehersal dinner yet and I have been on them constantly about it!! I'm getting stressed out majorly because I know she isn't going to do anything!!! What should I do?!?!
    Posted by Krimater[/QUOTE]

    Your FI should deal with his family, not you.  Stop reminding them and being on them about the RD.  Did they offer to have one for you?  If not, then plan the RD that you and your FI can afford.  It could be something as simple as pizza at home.
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  • lindseyann410lindseyann410 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fiances-family-not-participating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b79961da-96b3-4218-bd0a-6df4c03a0048Post:55d843c6-a08d-471a-b857-2d23a15aa59b">Re: Fiance's family not participating!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Fiance's family not participating!! : Your FI should deal with his family, not you.  Stop reminding them and being on them about the RD. <strong> Did they offer to have one for you?  If not, then plan the RD that you and your FI can afford. </strong> It could be something as simple as pizza at home.
    Posted by covejack[/QUOTE]

    <div>Agreed. </div>
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  • KrimaterKrimater
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    yes his family has said that they are doing the rd ha I'm not just expecting it of them, and at one point in time they had looked at options but just dropped the ball on it.. there is no way I or my family can afford anything else so we may be eating mcdonalds! lol! my fiance knows all of this, I have talked to him about it but don't know what more to do! I have thought about getting different people to bring over a few dishes and do that instead of having to put more money in and buy food. I think I'm more frustrated that the just  dont want to have anything to do with me or this wedding! haha
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  • covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    OK well back off of them for a bit.  Plan the RD you and your FI can afford.  I was serious and pizza and beer/wine.  That makes a great fun evening, and you could just prep a huge salad and have cookies too.  Make it fun, and make it you.  If your FIL's offer to help, great.  If not, then you have it covered.  Also, then you won't have to pester them for making RD plans.

    I understand it feels like you're being ignored.  Maybe if you give them some space, they may surprise you.  Good luck.
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  • HandBananaHandBanana member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't worry about it.  My MIL and FIL hosted our RD.  THey offered to do it when we first started wedding planning.  I don't think she finally planned it till a month out.  It really isn't something that needs to planned that far out.  My MIL and FIL hosted a family style dinner.  It was simple but perfect.  Since she was paying I just sat back and let her plan/pay.  I was also assured that she would do it because she had paid for and planned BIL RD a few years earlier.

    You could hint two months out by telling her what night the rehearsal is. 
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fiances-family-not-participating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b79961da-96b3-4218-bd0a-6df4c03a0048Post:881efbea-ab34-4d52-8427-d1b7dd647ec1">Re: Fiance's family not participating!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]yes his family has said that they are doing the rd ha I'm not just expecting it of them, and at one point in time they had looked at options but just dropped the ball on it.. there is no way I or my family can afford anything else so we may be eating mcdonalds! lol! <strong>my fiance knows all of this, I have talked to him about it but don't know what more to do!</strong> I have thought about getting different people to bring over a few dishes and do that instead of having to put more money in and buy food. I think I'm more frustrated that the just  dont want to have anything to do with me or this wedding! haha
    Posted by Krimater[/QUOTE]

    If your FI refuses to step up to the plate here and deal with his family, your problem isn't with his family, it's with him.
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  • KrimaterKrimater
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thanks guys! Pizza and a big salad sounds good!!I may wait a month or so and see if she brings it up,, and ask him if he thinks she may do anything and then just move on with the pizza plan!! and I can assure you my problem isn't with him ha but thanks for your opinion.
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  • covejackcovejack
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    There ya go.  Have  a great time with your planning. 
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  • EmilyEastondotcomEmilyEastondotcom
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I would be more concerned about my relationship with my FMIL than with the wedidng, really.

    You say she acts like you don't exist. If it's not just her ignoring wedding stuff but really ignoring you, I would try to find out in general what's wrong with your relationship.
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  • BirdyBrideBirdyBride member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Whenever you feel overwhelmed, just remember that at least they are going to the wedding. My FMIL says she's not even attending.
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  • mjoca09mjoca09 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    My fiance tried to do a dance of pacifying me and his immediate family (who did not like me/still does not like me) for the entire time that we dated.  It eventually caused us to breakup.  We spent about one month apart and then he realized that he was letting his family dictate his life.  He stood up to them and fought for me.  When we got engaged, his immediate family would not talk to us.  His mother said that we were not allowed in her house.  It broke our hearts.  Eventually, after the rest of his family told her that she was crazy, she came around.  She remains quiet around me and has yet to utter an apology.  Needless to say, things have been stressful since.  I went to visit one of his family members who was in the hospital and his mother walked to the parking lot with me because she had to grab her cellphone charger.  I tried to show her some of the pictures on my phone of our wedding and she told me, "I want nothing to do with this."  Once again, my heart broke.  My fiance and I realized that it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with her losing her remaining single child.  Her other children have been married and have created their own families.  I'm taking her son away.  YOU are taking your future mother-in-law's son away.  That is at no fault to you, and ideally, she should thank their lucky stars...but it does not always work that way.  Definitely keep your chin up and remember, the entire weekend (or week...whichever :-) ) is about you and your fiance coming together to spend the rest of your lives as a team.  That is so exciting!  It does not matter about the rest.  I had to have a mini-meltdown (rehearsal dinner cards were misspelled thanks to my wedding coordinator who printed them) to come to that realization. Yes, it stinks having to throw another party, but keep it light and try to have fun with it!  Best wishes! 

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  • rebarobert2012rebarobert2012
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This is something that you really need to speak to your fiance about.  What does he have to say about the way his mother and his sister are treating you?  You guys are going to spend the rest of your lives together, and you should really be on the same page about this.

    Also, I know that traditionally the groom's parents have paid for the rehearsal dinner.  However, they are not obligated to plan it and pay for it.  A lot of brides and grooms are paying for their own wedding parties nowadays.  It sounds like you and your fiance are going to need to plan/pay for your own rehearsal dinner.
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  • joyfulhappy1joyfulhappy1
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If Fiance won't do anything then you got bigger problems then you realize and its gonna extend into your marriage, maybe you should re-think marrying into this family
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  • Ellie619Ellie619
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think most girls have this problem, my FIL hates me and will do anything to make an argument into a breaking up. He still wants control over his son, more problems came later and now his mother side all hates me, it took a while but we realize it doesn't matter as long as we had each other and we are happy. His father side got dis-invited and his mom is saying she will help but we have yet to hear or see a thing they all know we getting married but no calls ever to ask about it wish us well or talk us though or any kind of support. I really do need some help but after so many stress attack I decide it's not worth it, if they help good if not oh well, I know what kind of person they are and now I will have a better reason not to talk to them. I've tried to be a family but I can't control everyone so don't worry about it, they may be waiting till it's time or they may back out, maybe ask them are they still following though or they don't want to be involve at the RD at all, be straight up and then do you and go along with ur plans it's ur day don't let it turn to be there drama.
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  • SarahMae2SarahMae2 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My future mother in law payed for her daughter's entire wedding in July and her honeymoon. She even went on the honeymoon with them. She hasn't offered to contribute anything to our wedding in October, but if that means that she will be going on the honeymoon with us, I think I will pass! Tongue out  It upsets him a little that she is not having a part in our wedding but that is her fault because I have given her plenty of chances. Don't worry about your future in-laws. If they don't get with it for your big day they will regret it and have no one to blame but themselves.
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  • KrimaterKrimater
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    @Ellie
    I'm sorry to hear that! I feel like because he's the only man in the house (his dad left when he was 3 months old) That maybe she's upset that I'm "taking" her son away. But I've come to the conclusion that if they want to be a part of this they will let us know. In the end they will be the ones missing out. I want so much for them to like me the way that my parents like him, but I guess I can't change them!!

    @SarahMae
    I hope she doesnt decide to tag along!! LOL!!
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  • princesa411princesa411
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sounds like my wedding planning...I have learned to just do it all myself.  My future in laws have not participated in any wedding planning nor have they offered to assist in any way.  We are paying for 95% of the wedding, the other 5%  my aunts and parents have chipped in.  As for begging for the addresses...I gave a deadline they only gave me 14 addresses so that is all I gave them for guests...we are now waiting to see if anyone is unable to attend so that we can invite more guest on their side of the family...so far no one has declined the invite...to top it off I had to basically beg for his sister to get her bridesmaid dress...she was the last one to get it, I had to give her a deadline too. 

    Good luck with the inlaws...sound like mine.
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