Army boyfriend about to propose, but should he?

Re: Army boyfriend about to propose, but should he?

• kyrgyzstan member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  I would never get married for financial reasons or for a deployment. In your guys' case, I would wait. LDRs are hard on all involved, and a marriage can actually make things more stressful, rather than less. I would say keep on dating, and plan your wedding for later.

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• iluvmytxrgr member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  If you decide to say yes, I would wait and have a long engagement.  You fininsh school.  Let him either finish his contract or make a choice on what he is going to do.  There is no reason to get married anytime soon.  LDR's are hard enough. 

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• melbelle24 member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  I wouldn't do it. Like the PP said, LDRs are hard enough. I've been in one with my Marine for 3 years now (he lives in NC, I'm in MS) and we get to see each other once every couple months if we're lucky b/c of our schedules. It's hard enough to be dating that way, not to mention being married. I know a few ppl that have done it, but unless you're willing to move closer to him or able to spend more than a weekend here or there, I think it would just add more stress than happiness. With that said, if you just really feel like you want to get engaged, try a long engagement. Mine is 1.5 years, since that's when the FI gets out and will move back home (at least that's the plan now).

  

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• mysticl member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  As far as I'm concerned it's bad enough that FI and I will be separated early in our marriage due to deployment, I would not voluntarily live apart from him.  As long as the military says I can I'm going where they send him.
  
  Have you been LDR your whole relationship?  If so you should try living in the same area before you get married.  I was in an LDR and we were talking about the idea of marriage.  We decided that we should live in the same area before we took things any further.  We broke up 4 months after the move but things had gone bad months earlier.  When were LD we called and IM and e-mailed.  You can filter yourself that way, think over everything you type.  If you are the one visiting you are on vacation, if you are the one being visited you adjust your schedule.  Living your day to day life with someone is a whole different ball game.  Turns out he wasn't the person I thought he was and I'm sure he felt the same about me. 
  

  

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• sleepyrebel member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  Thanks for the responses all. It sounds like we have a lot to think about and discuss. I'll be sure to report back with any updates. 

  
  

  As far as your question mysticl, we've been LDR since day one. I originally wrote him off since I never thought I could to an LDR but we're lucky enough to have a relatively easy with it. I miss him like you wouldn't believe between visits, but since we both have jobs that allow us to communicate often, it really doesn't feel like much distance at all. We've also been seeing a therapist from day one to make sure we communicate effectively with one another, which was definitely the right thing to do. 

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• SheilaE

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  I agree with the others and that you should wait.  I also think that you two need to live in the same area.  Mysticl hit it on the head that you can filter yourself.  I know you said that you have been to a therapist for communitication, but that doesn't mean that you don't filter yourself.  Plus, I have to wonder if you know what his personal habits and traits are, and he yours.  Seeing people on visits aren't like seeing them every day.

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• Luke&Sam625

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  Don't Do it!! Way too many people get married for the wrong reasons!! You're not crazy for THINKING about it, its fine to TALK about it, but don't do it for money, to be together or to "simplify" things, because chances are, it wont!

  

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• mysticl member

  

  September 2010 edited December 2011

  SheilaE, you are so right about the habits.  In my case it was a guy who had all these plans for the business he wanted to own.  But being with him everyday I learned that he never did anything about it and that when it came to finding a job he would pick up applications and then complain about not getting a job.  It might have had to do with the fact that I would find those applications on his desk weeks/months later not even filled out.  Or that he was fine with himself leaving his boots in the living room overnight or with him leaving a plate on the coffee table when he went to the bathroom but if anyone else did that they would find their shoes thrown accross the room and would come back from the bathroom to find their plate waiting for them in their seat.  These are the little things you learn on a day to day basis, they don't come up in conversations, in therapy (untill after they happen), or during visits.  I'm not claiming innocence, I'm sure there is stuff I did that he wasn't expecting/couldn't stand but when it was over it was just over we didn't hash out all the gory details.  Because when it came down to it we weren't right for each other, the LDR gave us a very exaggerated honeymoon period and allowed us to romanticize each other and the idea of each other. 
  
  I find LDRs to be easier for couples who have been LDR the whole time.  You aren't together on a regular basis so you don't have to make concesssions in your day to day life for the person and it's a different kind of "missing" them.  I think LDR is much harder when you are together daily or almost daily and then have to be separated for weeks or months because of circumstances beyond your control. In this case both people have to make major adjustments to how they live their life and the "missing" of the person is so different. 
  

  

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