Bridesmaid Bail Out

vanessa7889 · February 2010

My FI sister was going to be my bridesmaid, we had got really close when she was pregnant, but her boyfriend is a complete a**hole and treats my FI like sh*t.

SO to make an extremely, painful story short, my FI got into an argument and very close fight with his sisters boyfriend, and I (stupid me i suppose) made a comment to her about her not sticking up for her family and defending her a**hole boyfriend.

Now shes not coming to the wedding and I'm out a bridesmaid. I know it may sound selfish, but her boyfriend really is horrible. he cheated on her the ENTIRE time she was pregnant and shes just oblivious. I feel bad for her, it seems like shes just brainwashed and doesn't really realize what shes doing.

But anyway, my question is: Do I wait for her to come around and maybe apologize to her brother? Or do I just move on and ask someone else? But if I ask someone else, how do I ask without making them feel second best?

lyndausvi · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bail-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ed98c332-3375-4147-9378-6b8955b71d90Post:6feddb1b-f616-4af6-8edc-42b187e37423">Bridesmaid Bail Out</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI sister was going to be my bridesmaid, we had got really close when she was pregnant, but her boyfriend is a complete a**hole and treats my FI like sh*t.

SO to make an extremely, painful story short, my FI got into an argument and very close fight with his sisters boyfriend, and I (stupid me i suppose) made a comment to her about her not sticking up for her family and defending her a**hole boyfriend. While it's sad, it is not unusual for people to defend the person they are in love with over a family member. It sucks she refuses to see what a b-bag he is, but no amount of telling her is going to change her mind about him. She needs to figure it out on her own.

Now shes not coming to the wedding and I'm out a bridesmaid. I know it may sound selfish, but her boyfriend really is horrible. he cheated on her the ENTIRE time she was pregnant and shes just oblivious. I feel bad for her, it seems like shes just brainwashed and doesn't really realize what shes doing.

But anyway, my question is: Do I wait for her to come around and maybe apologize to her brother? Or do I just move on and ask someone else? move on, but do not ask anyone else.

But if I ask someone else, how do I ask without making them feel second best? if all of your friends already know the BM have been picked and/or the dresses have been ordered, there is no way to ask them without them feeling second best. I do not believe in replacement BM. If they were not good enough during the first round of picking then should not be in the wedding at all. Uneven sides are find.
Posted by vanessa7889[/QUOTE]

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Don't ask someone else. A BM is not a role that needs to be filled by an understudy. That way, not only are you not insulting the replacement (who will know she's a replacement), you're leaving the door open for FSIL to come back if she wants. A replacement will just further estrange everybody.

I agree, her boyfriend does sound like a complete d!ck. But telling her that won't solve anything. Deep down she already knows. But he's the father of her child, it's hard to tell the father of your child to leave. She sounds like she has some self-esteem issues here. Don't hold your breath for an apology; you won't get one.

vanessa7889 · February 2010

I'm not counting on an apology to be honest. She does have self esteem issues and I really do feel bad for her. Being 17 and pregnant with a loser boyfriend who cheats non stop would probably mess with anyones self esteem. Im hoping she will come around..

banana468 · February 2010

I think all you can do is be the bigger person. At 17 and pregnant with a loser BF's baby, all you can do is show her that you support her. I'd even leave the loser BF out of it for now or it could appear that you're asking her to take sides which puts her in an ugly position.

Don't replace her and just leave things open in case she changes her mind.

lyndausvi · February 2010

17 pregnant with a loser boyfriend? Yeah, you need to wait this one out. She will come around, untill then she really needs family to help her with her self-esteem... We all know teenages "know' everything, so telling her he is a d-bag is not going to work. You need to support her in different ways so she is able to develope self-esteem so she can move on with her life.

jagore08 · February 2010

That really sucks but you said she's 17. Think about when you and your friends were 17. At that age, you're not usually making the best choices and all you can do is try to still be her friend. Don't replace her and wait things out.

megandjay · February 2010

I agree with PPs, try to wait and see if she comes around. I think when I was 17 I used to change my mind every 5 minutes. It might be VERY hurtful and permanent if you replaced her. Leave it open for her to come back. Call her or email her and tell her that you are disappointed in her decision, and you would be happy if she decided to be a part of the wedding. OR just don't say anything.

Replacing her may make this minor argument turn into a lifelong family rift. And may just drive her further away and into the arms of the a-hole bf.

SarahPLiz · February 2010

As PPs said already, wait it out, and even if she doesn't come around. DOn't replace her. In addition to not making the replacement feel bad, it tells her that she IS that important to you, that she is not replaceable. That says a lot to a girl caught in a situation like that.

kay_marie00 · February 2010

I agree. She's only 17 and obviously going through some stressful and tough times. When I was 17 and got into an arguement with friends, there were times that we didn't talk for weeks to a month, but everything worked out once we calmed down and talked it out. I'd let her cool off then talk to her. Explain that you support her and want her in your wedding. I wouldn't replace her, because what if you did and then next week she changes her mind and wants to be a BM again? Since she's going to be your FSIL, that could be something she never gets over and holds against you and your FI.

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