Helicopter Parenting

crfische · June 2010

Kind of an interesting article.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/helicopterparentshaveneurotickidsstudysuggests

btrflykate1230 · June 2010

I saw that yesterday and I have to completely agree.

How are kids supposed to learn to be independent when their parents aren't giving them any independence? Seems like a no-brainer to me.

angie74 · June 2010

I was on orientation staff when I was in college- let me tell you how freaking annoying hellicoptor parents are in a college environment.

we saw so many kids come in that just *couldn't function* without their parents right behind them. they had to ask them permission for everything- it was sad, actually.

the worst ones were the ones who didn't want to be around their parents, though. the ones whose parents insisted that they go on the pre-med track, when the kid could barely understand basic science and math and really only wanted to be a journalist.

I had so many discussions with those parents and kids... it's crazy. I don't get why people can't just let their kids grow up on their own.

goheels05 · June 2010

10% seems really low. I knew a lot of kids in college whose parents fought their battles for them. Then again, I went to a very small conservative college, so maybe it was just that helicopter parents were more likely to send their kids there.

FWIW, I don't really think there is anything wrong with spending the night at a hotel nearby during freshman drop-off weekend. We had 3 days of orientation, including a family picnic on day 2, and I felt kind of awkward because I was one of the very few whose parents didn't say for it.

Mrs.B6302007 · June 2010

Mr B still has HS parents email him consistently about grades, tests, how the student can do better, etc. Nothing wrong with checking up on your kid but student needs to learn how to be the one to approach the teacher with "what can I do" questions rather than let mommy and daddy handle it.

crfische · June 2010

There has got to be a gray area parents have to find. I think my parents were more on the helicoptery side than the super liberal side of parenting, but they weren't like...crazy strict about it and let me spread my proverbial wings, I guess.

FutureMrsTR · June 2010

I definitely CQTM at the "If two days go by without contact, my parents contact me". Psht, if one day goes by without contact or if she's calling and I don't answer my phone from, say, 5pm - 7pm I get panicky voicemail messages from my mom and I'm 26!

But my mom wasn't a "helicopter parent" in the sense that she fought my battles for me EVER. I've always been extremely independant in that way which maybe is why she tries so hard to keep in contact with me? I don't know, but it definitely gets frustrating at times.

chaseleyh · June 2010

Mrs B -- just saw your count-down. 4 days to go! you must be getting a bit uncomfortable by now! Hope it's not as hot where you are as it is here (nearly 90 already). congratulations!

Moneypenny424 · June 2010

My parents were protective of me, but not in the way that I didn't have freedom to pursue my own career goals, make friends, etc. Basically, my parents don't trust men, so I always had an early curfew, couldn't go to school dances until high school, etc.

I thought they were protective until I saw these helicopter-type parents. Whoa. That's not doing anything good for the kids. Of course you should be there and be involved, but a lot of these people take it too far.

ootmother2 · June 2010

Helicopter kids are worse!

I was fine leaving M first day of college but she went BSC the first time she called me at home and I was out.

at 7:00, PM. "mom, where are you
at 8:00 PM "mom, I left you a message, why aren't you home?
at 9:00 PM "mom, call me!
at 10PM "if you don't call by 11, I'm going to have the police check to make sure you are okay"

I got home at 10:30, just went out for dinner with a pal. Welcome to being child free;)

Mrs.B6302007 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_helicopter-parenting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c10fd55c-e374-4dc3-9495-6f8bcaffca6ePost:9b0b7b5a-ef82-40fe-9497-0d503ac9e862">Re: Helicopter Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]Mrs B -- just saw your count-down. 4 days to go! you must be getting a bit uncomfortable by now! Hope it's not as hot where you are as it is here (nearly 90 already). congratulations!
Posted by chaseleyh[/QUOTE]

Thanks. And yeah, it's freaking hot. 95 yesterday. I'm in FL

MattsPenguin · June 2010

My parents weren't helicopter parents, and I remember feeling a little unnerved when I first started college. I couldn't comprehend that I didn't have to tell people where I was or what I was doing. It was so weird at first. I felt like I should leave messages for my roommate or something.

Obviously have gotten over that.

Exactly, how are kids supposed to learn to live on their own? Even my younger brother (who has had maturity/responsibility "issues") now lives on his own with his fiance, pays his bills, etc. Give kids a chance and see how high they can soar. They might surprise you.

ohwhynot · June 2010

It is an interesting article. My kids are still grade-schoolers, and it is difficult to let them roam, let them make mistakes, and let them stretch their wings. It doesn't come naturally to me, so I kind of have to force myself to do it. At this point, I and their dad and their stepparents are still their primary sources of direction - we're trying to establish a firm ground on which they can build when our influence becomes weaker and the influence of their peers gains strength.

As far as contacting school officials, I can't say that's a bad thing. The school officials are supposed to be working with parents and the kids to resolve issues - the spate of bullying-related suicides kind of shows that. The article didn't really specify what kind of problems were being discussed and I couldn't tell whether I'd judge those contacts as helicopter parenting or not.

SarahPLiz · June 2010

I work at a university and I see it all the time. This is my own personal observation, but it seems like the more well off the family is, the less independant the kids are, and the less they value their educational experience, maybe because they don't have to work to pay for it.

My job includes talking to students about financial responsibility, paying their bills on time, what their options are, etc. during orientation. I always tell them that when they register, the bill is theirs, and will always be sent to them. If they done pay it, or follow up with whoever is going to pay and make sure its done, then their classes will be dropped and they won't be able to go to school, or they will have to re-register and might lose their chosen classes. I tell them that if they end the year with a balance and we have to send it to collections, it ruins THEIR credit, not their parents. Then we pass out their bills, and at least half of them say " Oh, I'll let my mom take care of this. Can you just send it to her?" WTF? No! Grow up already!

Then when I drop their classes, their parents call all pissed at me and tell me that its my fault because I didn't contact them (the parents) first. Too bad, so sad, let go and let your kid have some consequences for not handling their business. Yes, its a Christian school, but that doesn't mean I'm a pushover, and I certainly have no sympathy for laziness.

Can you tell by this little rant that I deal with these people every day and it drives me BONKERS! Their kids turn out unable to deal with the real world and its so sad that they can graduate without some sort of actual life skills and personal responsibility.

We are trying to start a personal finance workshop series based on Dave Ramsey's books, but the administration thinks students won't be interested. I think the only students that would be interested are the ones who are already responsible and see the value in managing their funds, and that makes me sad, but I still want to teach it.

beatlesgirl25 · June 2010

This is sad for the kids (potentially, depending on how generalizable this is). And it seems as though helicoptor parenting can foster a sense of entitlement in the kids, as well as the parents because they feel so invested in their kids' academic future. Not a helpful trait for either party.

sarahmk5 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_helicopter-parenting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c10fd55c-e374-4dc3-9495-6f8bcaffca6ePost:cbcf4802-e167-4545-9be0-dbc2f0d7f5a3">Re: Helicopter Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]I definitely CQTM at the "If two days go by without contact, my parents contact me". Psht, if one day goes by without contact or if she's calling and I don't answer my phone from, say, 5pm - 7pm I get panicky voicemail messages from my mom and I'm 26! But my mom wasn't a "helicopter parent" in the sense that she fought my battles for me EVER. I've always been extremely independant in that way which maybe is why she tries so hard to keep in contact with me? I don't know, but it definitely gets frustrating at times.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

<div>My parents are like this, too, and they were not helicopter parents. If was having trouble in school, it was my responsibility to talk to the teacher about it. They were definitely protective as far as dating, parties, etc., but not in the crazy, overprotective sense. </div>

andyandhillary · June 2010

I feel like parenting is so hit or miss. You do the best you can. It's so easy to "over" or "under" parent. I feel like this article encourages the thought that any flaw a person has is because of something their parents did or did not do.

Mrs.B6302007 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_helicopter-parenting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c10fd55c-e374-4dc3-9495-6f8bcaffca6ePost:92def4c8-7564-45c4-b11f-6341ba27ee6f">Re: Helicopter Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE] We are trying to start a personal finance workshop series based on Dave Ramsey's books, but the administration thinks students won't be interested. I think the only students that would be interested are the ones who are already responsible and see the value in managing their funds, and that makes me sad, but I still want to teach it.
Posted by SarahPLiz[/QUOTE]

I would be super excited if I could teach a class using his curriculum!

SarahPLiz · June 2010

BTW, in college, there is this little law called FERPA that can help kids assert their independence from their parents. Technically, we can't discuss anything about a student with anyone other than the student without the student's express permission on a FERPA waiver. Those waivers can be revoked at any time. The Registrar's office has seen so many kids go in there with their parents and sign the waiver, and then come back the day after their parent leave and revoke that waiver.

The only caveat is that if the parents want to get the balance from us to pay the bill, the students have to have signed a waiver. However, that waiver can be just for financial records, and can still keep parents out of their grades and behavioral files. The only time student services can contact the parents without a waiver is when the student is having a severe medical issue or their mental health has degraded to a point that they are a danger to themselves or others.

So if the kid wants independence, that's one way to get it. It doesn't stop the incessant phone calls, though, or the angry ones calling us trying to get information out of us.

Mrs.B6302007 · June 2010

When I was in college, my folks never made contact with any advisor or professor even though they paid for my 2 years at the university (community college was on scholarship). It was my job to handle all of that but probably because they trusted me and I was very serious about school. There were several situations where I asked for their advice but I handled things myself. I can't imagine them calling and screaming at an advisor or anyone.

FutureMrsTR · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_helicopter-parenting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c10fd55c-e374-4dc3-9495-6f8bcaffca6ePost:1f778c9b-f319-4355-9593-388f5d981b1a">Re: Helicopter Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]When I was in college, my folks never made contact with any advisor or professor even though they paid for my 2 years at the university (community college was on scholarship). It was my job to handle all of that but probably because they trusted me and I was very serious about school. There were several situations where I asked for their advice but I handled things myself. I can't imagine them calling and screaming at an advisor or anyone.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

This. Half the time, my mom didn't even know what classes I was taking.

goheels05 · June 2010

OWN, I think it's fine for parents to intervene for children high school age and younger, but not for college students. College students are adults.

Sarah, I know exactly what you are talking about. At my college, signing the FERPA waiver was actually a part of freshman orientation. You could obviously decline, but they just handed it over to you and acted like it was so routine and just another paper to sign. I told them very firmly that I had no intention of signing it as my parents are no longer supporting me financially in any way, and thus my grades and financial status are none of their business. My advisor was quite taken aback and apparently I was one of the few who didn't sign it.

andyandhillary · June 2010

My college has parent/teacher conferences. I'm not kidding. I really liked it but that's because I did well. Obviously the parents weren't all expected to come but I would say most did.

crfische · June 2010

Yeah, in college my parents would listen to me bitch about things, but by that time there just like, well? What are you going to do about it?

BUT when I was in 5th grade, I got the part as snow white. I practiced all week and then the day of the dress rehearsal, I found out I had to wear a wig. In my 5th grade awkwardness and self-consciousness I kind of flipped my lid and was super embarassed to have to wear a wig. My parents did intervene that time, and Snow White was blonde haired and blue eyed that year.

I still don't know how I feel about that.

SarahPLiz · June 2010

Mine didn't either. My mom came to see the school during a scholarship competition, and took out a small loan for my first year, but no one drove the 7 hours with me or helped me move in. I filled out the FAFSA for my mom and kept up with all my aid paperwork. I applied for additional scholarships to cover stuff so my mom wouldn't have to pay any more and worked 30-40 hours a week in on campus jobs to make spending money. I think it made me a way more responsible person than the kids I see today that have no idea how much work it takes to make the $14K a semester their parents are paying (or borrowing) to send them to school to make Cs and Ds. To me, that just shows lack of respect for the parents, and that is unacceptable. No wonder they get out of school and have no plan for how to budget for their entry level salary level, and end up in tons of debt they can't handle. Its infuriating that parents would let their children be that ignorant.

goheels05 · June 2010

Eye to eye, Sarah. I felt the same way. There were a lot of kids at my school who were a waste of space. Their parents spent over $100,000 for them to bong beers and stay up all hours of the night and do the bare minimum to graduate, and of course they didn't get jobs after graduation. Glad that helicopter parenting worked out so well for you, there.

Not to say I was a perfect angel. I had plenty of fun in college, I just managed my time very well and knew when to say "no."

jasmineh7777 · June 2010

I can see where this has it's drawbacks, but there has to be some middle ground. Honestly, if I were choosing between over-involved and under-involved, I would choose over. College age kids should be able to fight their own battles, but checking on your high-schooler seems like a good idea to me. FI and I have his brother send us his grades, and we keep on him about school because his mom just doesn't care.

mags0607 · June 2010

I think my mom was a semi-helicopter parent, but not too far overbearing.

She gave me more freedom with my personal life than she did my academic life. I never had a curfew, could drive wherever I wanted at 16, and could do whatever I wanted as long as I told her where that would be. I also went off to college, got an apartment from day 1, and wasn't checked up on with my personal finances.

But, on the other hand, when it came to school-work or grades, she was completely overbearing. She did this all throughout high school, and then finally lessened up my sophomore year in college. She would contact professors and teachers, and it would drive me insane. She always tried to force me to do better, if if I was trying my hardest.

I am a manager in retail, so we are always hiring college kids, and its really hard as an employer, when a kid has been hellicoptered to a point where they can't handle anything on their own, or fight their own battles. I once turned a kid down for a job, and was contacted by a screaming parent who wanted to know why Suzy wasn't hireable. It took everything in me not to say, "Suzy has no idea how to be an adult, and I think that might be your fault."

This is why I am so scared to have kids, they can come out not well adjusted for so many reasons, no matter what parenting style you have.

L-Bride · June 2010

I didn't have helicopter parents. In fact I was given PLENTY of freedom due to having good grades and being involved heavily in sports. My mother considered me to have a good head on my shoulders and I was rewarded with freedom. Lots of it. I would go as far to say it may have been too much. Although I survived and no serious damage was done, I definitely don't want my kids to have the amount of freedom I was granted!
I'm going to have to be aware of not over parenting my children since I'm afraid I will be the exact opposite of how I was raised.

beatlesgirl25 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_helicopter-parenting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c10fd55c-e374-4dc3-9495-6f8bcaffca6ePost:672b1952-54e7-43cb-b6a4-51d2b80713d5">Re: Helicopter Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like parenting is so hit or miss. You do the best you can. It's so easy to "over" or "under" parent. I feel like this article encourages the thought that <em>any flaw a person has is because of something their parents did or did not do. </em>
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]

I didn't get this from the article at all. It seemed pretty specific to helicoptor parenting and kids with neuroses who were more dependent on their parents and others later in life.

I'm not a fan of blaming your parents for everything either, but it is true that the attachment between parents and their children has an effect on how the kids function as independent adults in other social environments. And if kids don't experience a normal, healthy amount of frustration and separation from their parents, they can develop into adults who feel anxious and inefficient, and whose sense of self is fragmented. This doesn't mean it's the parents' fault, but they influenced the child's development, just as the child and all the external factors did. I think that's what the article is referring to.

/rambling lecture

SarahPLiz · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_helicopter-parenting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c10fd55c-e374-4dc3-9495-6f8bcaffca6ePost:3aefdea2-a705-48f0-aef3-e0e80e7d3b7d">Re: Helicopter Parenting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Helicopter Parenting : FERPA is great and all, but in my experience if parents are footing the bill, they want access. I work in college admissions. In the last decade I have gone from speaking to mostly students to speaking to mostly parents. It's ridiculous.
Posted by mag920[/QUOTE]

They want access, but hte student doesn't have to give it to them. Of course, the parents can then revoke the support, so that's up to the student to figure out.

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