Need to Vent to Friendly People, Please

TKzilla · June 2012

Yesterday I posted in "Wedding Woes" about my frustrations with my future mother-in-law. Immediately people jumped on me claiming that I'm ungrateful and tacky and b*tchy. When all was said and done, there were SIXTY posts under the thread, all of which were negative and in no way helpful. It wasn't even something one could consider "constructive criticism". Finally, people left it alone after putting me down and even questioning my autism dianosis.

Now a user named "Baconsmom" has started an entire thread to put me down, and even called me a "picky b*tch". I reported her but I'm so upset right now I want to delete my Knot account. Unfortunately, if I do that I lose my wedding website, and we already spent money on it.

I thought this website was for brides to help other brides, not put each other down. I never thought at THIS point in our lives, we could still be so cruel.

WedOBX2012 · June 2012

I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you...You can bet that won't happen on this board. I'm sure we'd all be happy to let you cry on our shoulders Don't let the other board chicks get you down and don't delete your account!

If you feel like sharing, what's going on with FMIL?

rglasgow · June 2012

Unfortunately this is always an issue on the other boards but like WedOBX2012 said it won't happen here! so feel free to vent here and not worry about anything harsh to you in return!!

OBX2011 · June 2012

I'm sorry hon! WW can be a vicious group when they want to be, since most of the posters have been there for quite some time and have their own little buddy system in place. Baconsmom has been around for a long time, so no one did that on purpose.

So, talk to me! What's going on that has you so stressed out?

TKzilla · June 2012

My fiance's mom is just the kind of person who likes to take over. My mom and I asked her to help decorate, but I guess we should've been more specific because suddenly she's started shopping for wedding decor without consulting me or my fiance (or my parents, who are paying for the wedding). It's frustrating because my mom is so excited about planning this wedding down to every last detail, I feel like my fiance's mom is overstepping her boundaries. I know it comes from a place of love, so I don't know how to tell her to back off without hurting her feelings. The other thing I'm upset about is that she decided we should do a backyard barbeque for the rehearsal dinner. That wouldn't a bad idea except we're doing the exact same thing for our engagement party! I know it's nitpicky, I just don't want to invite the same people to the same party twice. Worse than that, she talked it over with my fiance and then presented the idea to me like they'd already agreed on it - to the point where she told me she already contacted a friend to do the pig cooking and then mentioned we'd have to invite him to the wedding! We only have space for 150 people max at our venue, and we have 100 people just in our families! There is simply no room to invite nonessential people, especially when we're already making cuts to the guest list and excluding friends.

I went to that board just to vent and get it off my chest, thinking other brides would respond with sympathy and humor. I never asked anyone for help. Granted, I was far more upset about all this the other day than I am now. People told me I was ungrateful for being upset that my FMIL went out and bought the archway for our ceremony without even sending me a picture. And I know it's a matter of taste, but people kept harping on their opinion that a honeymoon registry is tacky.

It's so upsetting that people like that choose to haunt THAT board in particular. That should be a place for people to receive kind words - if you wanna be a b*tch, go to the Snarky Brides board. Leave woeful brides alone!

WedOBX2012 · June 2012

I'm sorry again..people can be kinda mean...

Have you talked to your fiance about this? What does he say?
I get that she's trying to help (and i'm sure she thinks she is) but sounds like she need to ask for your (and your Mom's) input instead of just running with it.

In the end it's about what you and your fiance want for your day. If you're going to be unhappy with BBQ (again) and whatever decor she's picked out then you need to speak up.

Talk to your future hubs about it and get his support. Do the same with your Mom.
Then have a chat with future Mom to find out what all she has "planned" for you. Tell her how much you appreciate everything and then tell her SPECIFICALLY what she can help with and what direction you will be going in. BBQ, no BBQ, FIRM guest list, decor etc.

You want to have an open and honest relationship with your inlaws (not to say that you don't). Be nice, be appreciative but BE FIRM about what your wishes are. You don't want to start this off by get bulldozed over and you don't want to make her feel bad. It's a tightrope walk but you can do this with the support of you man and your mom and your obx knotties

LaughLines · June 2012

Wow, this reminds me why the ONLY place I go on the Knot is here!

Sorry you had this experience. I feel for you - almost all of us have run into some wedding planning hurdles, usually with family, so this type of situation is not unusual at all. Sympathy or constructive comments for those vents are useful, not judgement!

As an aside, in my opinion, a honeymoon registry is NOT tacky, and even if I had reservations about it, I probably wouldn't express that to a complete stranger online, and not in those terms.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

Wow, I've checked out the threads... Things were pretty heated.

I'm so sorry you experienced that. It's tough enough when you're stressed about something. It's even more stressful when you feel attacked after venting about it.

Stay on TK, just stay away from those boards if you feel uncomfortable. (I remember quite a hash of rough posts last year on some of the boards.) If you DO need to get on another board, remember to hang back if you feel yourself getting upset. Things never go well if everyone is flustered in the conversation.

As for some of your thoughts... A more relaxed BBQ style rehearsal may be nice, even if you're having one a similar style several months before. However, if you don't think that's something you would like, talk to your FI and see his opinion and also tell him yours. Then, if the two of you decide it's not something you would like, talk to FMIL.

I also agree with LaughLines, I don't think a honeymoon registry is tacky. I figure a registry is something that the bride and groom have decided on together- things they want or need. In my opinion, it doesn't matter is on it. It is a special day of celebration of between two people that love each other. If these people (who I obviously care enough about to be there and support them) have decided they want something - something they want, will use, and it will make them happy, why on this earth would I not support that?

In whatever struggles you're dealing with, feel free to vent. We will do our best to support you. Chin up, Wilbur! (My mom always said that when I'm upset.)

Sorry that was so long winded...

TKzilla · June 2012

Thanks guys. They're still going at it over there but I'm at the point where it's just become silly. I guess it was a wake-up call - I realize now there are some "brides" on this site that are just bitter harpies who feel they have nothing to contribute except rudeness and hate.

Whatevs.

The heart of the matter is I need to sit down with my fiance and his mom and my mom and we all need to sort of work out what we all want and expect from this wedding. I mean my mom and I have talked it to death, Dan and I have talked it to death. I think in all our our plotting and with FMIL living so far away, she maybe got left out of the loop and is trying to make up however she can.

I don't think a honeymoon registry is tacky. By the time we get married, we'll have lived together for two years. We pretty much have everything we need for our apartment and we plan to stay there for another year after the wedding before we try to buy a house. I'm not the kind of person to buy useless crap, so I don't want to ask other people to buy me useless crap.

Can anyone tell me how to make my Knot profile private?

mandafite821 · June 2012

I'm sorry you went through that on another board, but please don't delete your knot account. We are all more then happy to listen, and probably most of us have been in your situation with in laws wanting to invite more people and trying to over step boundaries. Your mother in law is probably honestly just do exited about the wedding and not thinking. Have a sit down with her, bring your fiancé and talk it out with her. Everyone needs to be on the same page.

missm810 · July 2012

I agree with what everyone else says so far. And I'm very new to theknot.com as well and so far I've really only read the Obx board and any posts I've made have always had positive, helpful responses. I think because a lot of people here have been in the same situations, planned similar weddings in the same area, same venues/vendors, etc.

Anyway, I posted something not that long ago about my fiancee's Mother not wanting to go to NC for our wedding. We live in PA so it would be a 7 hr drive. Ultimately, what it came down to was.. no one attacked me. Everyone said it comes down to the fact that it's my wedding and if she truly wants to be there, she will find a way to be there. There are some little things you can bend on or give in to to family members, but major things.. you just have to be firm and let people know this is what YOU want. It's YOUR day, not theirs.

I think your MIL probably does have the best intentions and she's probably just excited and going shopping and being like "WOW! Let me get this for her!" But I agree with previous posters.. be nice, but firm about what you want. As for the rehearsal dinner, you could always say "Oh, that's such a good idea, but we actually had this in mind.." and then present your idea and maybe the rationale behind it. And maybe if she gets you decorations, if you can incorporate them somehow, then fine, but if not.. just say "I love that, but I think we were looking at something similar to this.." I hope that helps and like everyone told me, it's YOUR day. Some things are okay to bend on and give in to, other things are not. If it's going to distress you to the point where you are stressed to the max, then it needs to be addressed with her definitely!

Also, I am in the same situation registry-wise.. we've been living together for about 5 years so we have a TON of "Stuff" Dishes, table cloths, silverware, wine glasses, martini glasses.. you name it, we've got it. I thought about the honeymoon registry idea, but then I read on here that a lot of times websites for honeymoon registries charge you or take a part of the money that has been given to you. Also when the website says the wedding guest is "buying you a massage" or "buying you a dinner" the company just gives you the cash in the end. Nothing has been booked for you or anything for the honeymoon. When I read that I was kind of disappointed, so I may just say "In lieu of gifts and in the hopes to fund a honeymoon and future house, we ask for monetary gifts is possible." I know it's not the best thing to say but it's true. I totally agree.. how many blenders can you have?

Good luck and I hope this helps!

Phillyboy06 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina-outer-banks_need-to-vent-to-friendly-people-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:598Discussion:dbd0ddc8-89cc-47a2-a490-4f9f6f031947Post:6ca373af-7230-40c5-9d9c-908ca914b31d">Re: Need to Vent to Friendly People, Please</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with what everyone else says so far. And I'm very new to theknot.com as well and so far I've really only read the Obx board and any posts I've made have always had positive, helpful responses. I think because a lot of people here have been in the same situations, planned similar weddings in the same area, same venues/vendors, etc. Anyway, I posted something not that long ago about my fiancee's Mother not wanting to go to NC for our wedding. We live in PA so it would be a 7 hr drive. Ultimately, what it came down to was.. no one attacked me. Everyone said it comes down to the fact that it's my wedding and if she truly wants to be there, she will find a way to be there. There are some little things you can bend on or give in to to family members, but major things.. you just have to be firm and let people know this is what YOU want. It's YOUR day, not theirs. I think your MIL probably does have the best intentions and she's probably just excited and going shopping and being like "WOW! Let me get this for her!" But I agree with previous posters.. be nice, but firm about what you want. As for the rehearsal dinner, you could always say "Oh, that's such a good idea, but we actually had this in mind.." and then present your idea and maybe the rationale behind it. And maybe if she gets you decorations, if you can incorporate them somehow, then fine, but if not.. just say "I love that, but I think we were looking at something similar to this.." I hope that helps and like everyone told me, it's YOUR day. Some things are okay to bend on and give in to, other things are not. If it's going to distress you to the point where you are stressed to the max, then it needs to be addressed with her definitely! Also, I am in the same situation registry-wise.. we've been living together for about 5 years so we have a TON of "Stuff" Dishes, table cloths, silverware, wine glasses, martini glasses.. you name it, we've got it. I thought about the honeymoon registry idea, but then I read on here that a lot of times websites for honeymoon registries charge you or take a part of the money that has been given to you. Also when the website says the wedding guest is "buying you a massage" or "buying you a dinner" the company just gives you the cash in the end. Nothing has been booked for you or anything for the honeymoon. When I read that I was kind of disappointed, so I may just say "In lieu of gifts and in the hopes to fund a honeymoon and future house, we ask for monetary gifts is possible." I know it's not the best thing to say but it's true. I totally agree.. how many blenders can you have? Good luck and I hope this helps!
Posted by missm810[/QUOTE]

Whatever you do MissM, I wouldn't ask for monetary gifts in lieu of actual gifts. It sounds very impersonable and it's just in bad taste. FI and I are in same boat too, we own our home and have a lot of stuff, but still registered for 30-40 things that we wouldn't really buy ourselves(duvet cover, kitchen aide mixer, some cookware, flatware, etc) and most was bought for shower. As too, we would like monetary gifts for the wedding, we wouldn't ask or put that on an invite. Just my opinion though...

missm810 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina-outer-banks_need-to-vent-to-friendly-people-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:598Discussion:dbd0ddc8-89cc-47a2-a490-4f9f6f031947Post:396e07d9-659e-46f6-a3bd-32ddc989fd4a">Re: Need to Vent to Friendly People, Please</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need to Vent to Friendly People, Please : Whatever you do MissM, I wouldn't ask for monetary gifts in lieu of actual gifts. It sounds very impersonable and it's just in bad taste. FI and I are in same boat too, we own our home and have a lot of stuff, but still registered for 30-40 things that we wouldn't really buy ourselves(duvet cover, kitchen aide mixer, some cookware, flatware, etc) and most was bought for shower. As too, we would like monetary gifts for the wedding, we wouldn't ask or put that on an invite. Just my opinion though...
Posted by Phillyboy06[/QUOTE]

No, we wouldn't put it on an invite or anything. I believe somewhere on here people suggested just having one person kind of spread the idea through word of mouth or to put it on your wedding website and to still register for some things. No I would never put that on an invite! lol But I think in small weddings most people probably know that you have a place together and they usually know if you're working on saving for a house so they usually know that you would prefer money anyway. Most guests would be close friends/family anyway and would know this type of thing.

TKzilla · July 2012

I've read in my wedding books that you aren't supposed to even list on your invites where you're registered! Someone told me to put your wedding website on your invitations and then link to your registries on your site.

My FMIL wanted us to register at Walmart or Belk because she wants her mother (my grandmother-in-law) to throw a "meet and greet" for us at her church in NC. I'm still not exactly sure WHY we have to do this (and I'm more than a little nervous about meeting a bunch of strangers!). She suggested doing a "pantry party" instead where people bring us food to stock our pantry with. I think I'm going to nix both ideas (mostly because I can't find anything at Belk I like and I'd rather register at Target than Walmart). I think I'm going to ask that for the "meet and greet" party, guests bring one of their favorite recipes so I can put them all in a book. Southern women know how to cook, after all!

As for the registry in general, I think we'll just register for a few things at Target (like a nice set of luggage, a few odds and ends for the house) but have our parents spread the word that monetary donations to our honeymoon fund would be greatly appreciated. I figure if there aren't too many things on the registry list, people will just opt to give us money.

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