I need to know if my wedding party is coming to my destination wedding!

kdaub1105 · June 2010

Hello all!
This is my first post because im truely stuck on how to handle this issue. Im getting married next June in Jamiaca. We have a pretty big wedding party. When we talked to everyone and asked them to be our groomsmen and bridesmaids, they were all excited about the idea. We are not paying for anybodys travel costs and they are all aware of that. My problem is that its time to start planning and nobody has booked yet! My wedding planner was asking me how many people in the wedding party and im thinking.. "duh I dont know..." How do I tell everyone that need to book by a certain date? Do I tell them if thier not booked by a certain time they can no longer be in my wedding, but rather just a guest? I need to start getting things planned, and Im waiting on them!

bablingbrooke · June 2010

By next June you mean...over a year from now?

I travel internationally a lot and I can tell you that doesn't work. Newsflash: You can't book international flights more than a year out. So lay off. They will book 2-6 months out like normal people. Also, they may not have passports, and now you have to provide a passport number and expiration date to even book an international flight. Your friends would be crazy to book now. They will wait for a fare sale, or do it when they have the money. Not everyone has stacks of cash lying around to pay for your DW on the schedule that YOU have decided works best for YOU

And no, you do not give them an ultimatum.

Take a breath, realize that money doesn't grow on trees and that your friends may not want to spend their vacation time attending your wedding at the hotel and location you determined, and let them book when they want to book. Even if they could book now, there is absolutely no reason to.

ETA: Just because the wedding planner wants to know how many in the WP now doesn't mean she needs to know now. Our wedding coordinator found out the day before our wedding and made it work. Chill.

aerinpegadrak · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-wedding-party-coming-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:78347c4a-0a14-4bef-a316-c0a811e93befPost:f5bc6147-9b37-4af3-9c39-52b5d71e7a43">I need to know if my wedding party is coming to my destination wedding!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello all! This is my first post because im truely stuck on how to handle this issue. Im getting married next June in Jamiaca. We have a pretty big wedding party. When we talked to everyone and asked them to be our groomsmen and bridesmaids, they were all excited about the idea. We are not paying for anybodys travel costs and they are all aware of that. My problem is that its time to start planning and nobody has booked yet! My wedding planner was asking me how many people in the wedding party and im thinking.. "duh I dont know..." How do I tell everyone that need to book by a certain date? Do I tell them if thier not booked by a certain time they can no longer be in my wedding, but rather just a guest? I need to start getting things planned, and Im waiting on them!
Posted by kdaub1105[/QUOTE]
Why do you need to know so soon? Is it really a big deal if the planner's numbers are a little off? Things like bouquets can be ordered or canceled up until a few days before the wedding, so I'm not sure what the rush is. But if a bride told me that I had to book right away or I wouldn't be in the wedding, I wouldn't bother coming at all and probably wouldn't talk to her anymore. That's a lot of money for people to spend on you, the last thing you want is to be pushy on top of it.

For the record, my MOH couldn't tell me until FOUR DAYS before the wedding if she was going to be there or not because she had a bunch of crises come up in her personal life. Yeah, it made things a bit stressful, but everything went fine.

I'd ask your planner what will happen if you don't have a firm headcount on the wedding party yet, or if you have to change the count closer to the wedding date. My guess? Nothing.

SarahPLiz · June 2010

There is no need to book so soon at all. Let them be for a while.

1- When they were asked, were they aware that you were having a desitnation wedding? If so, were they aware that you would freak out if they didn't book right away? Are you aware that most places of employment won't let you book your vacations over a year in advance?

2- If for some reason they can't come (new money or job issues, babies, illness, etc) they can still be in your WP, and it won't change your plans much. There will just be fewer people standing next to you, but I promise they will still love you and support you just as much. Your WP is supposed to be your closest friends. Sometimes life works out to where your closest friends can't be physically present for your milestones, but that doesn't make them any less of a friend.

3- What is the difference between booking as a WP member and booking as a guest. If you aren't giving your guests a deadline, then its just mean and controlling to give your WP an arbitrary deadline. I have heard that 90 days out is a good time to start booking international travel, as that's when you start to get good deals. Let them deal with their flights and accomodations like grownups, and you deal with yours. If they can't come, they will tell you, and then you can be gracious enough to keep them in the program, because they are still your best friends.

kdaub1105 · June 2010

Yeah I have a travel agent taking care of all the reservations. Everybody booking a reservation doesnt need to put any money up front. I have about 10 rooms booked already from family members and nobodys even thinking about the airfare(its not even available yet). It would just be nice to have some peace of mind by having the wedding party give me an up front answer on whether theyll be booking or not.
Im not sure why my wedding planner was asking me about how many people I would have. Shes part of the resort im staying at, I think she was trying to get an idea.
But what do I do when im ready to start looking for bridesmaid gowns or favors or something, but their still "not sure" if theyll be able to make yet. How do i handle that?

bablingbrooke · June 2010

But you need to see the forest for the trees here: You have OVER A YEAR until your wedding. Your WP don't know if they can take a vacation in over a year. That's plenty of time to change jobs, lose a job, move to Cleveland, have a baby, have a family member fall ill...so many variables. I'm always up for travel and I would never, ever agree to book a trip so far away. Just lay off and let them book at their own pace. Having a travel agent handle things for them isn't a great idea. She may not book things in their price range (especially flights--there are certain airlines I won't fly and I would only want to either book it myself or have a travel agent of my choosing do it).

PLEASE let this go. This isn't for you to micromanage; it will only piss your WP off if you do this for the next year. And there is no need to bold every post.

SarahPLiz · June 2010

They did. THey already accepted their position, so you can assume they are coming until they tell you different. Maybe some of your family members are ready to book, but there is no reason for everyone else to. Please calm down, or your nerves will be totally frayed by a year from now.. for no good reason.

ETA:
You think "OMG its only a year away!"
They think "OMG, its a year a way FFS. Calm down"

See the difference?

Licia&Wayne · June 2010

I 100% agree with Brooke. They have told you yes to being in your WP and that is really the only "peace of mind" you can have.

It is way, way, way too early for them to be making reservations. Plan to have the people who agreed to be in your wedding party at your wedding. Closer to your wedding you will get a more accurate picture of who can be there. Your wedding party members will let you know.

If you're worried about dresses, pick a dress that can be gotten on short notice. Or better yet, pick a color that can easily be found at a department store.

mbcdefg · June 2010

I don't get why you'd ask them to step down from the bridal party, but invite them to come as guests if they want. What's the difference? The only thing that'd really set them apart from the guests is that they'd be wearing specific dresses and carrying flowers. What else would you need to prepare for?

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-wedding-party-coming-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:78347c4a-0a14-4bef-a316-c0a811e93befPost:ff172bd1-5239-4b82-a7ac-42ac770ec744">Re: I need to know if my wedding party is coming to my destination wedding!</a>:
[QUOTE] But what do I do when im ready to start looking for bridesmaid gowns or favors or something, but their still "not sure" if theyll be able to make yet. How do i handle that?
Posted by kdaub1105[/QUOTE]

If you're getting dresses from a salon, they can order around 4 months out from your wedding. You don't need to shop for dresses right now.

OR, you can steer clear of salons entirely and get regular cocktail dresses or formal gowns from a regular clothing boutique or a department store. I ordered my bridesmaids' dresses from AnnTaylor.com and they were on my doorstep in under a week. If you went shopping at Macy's or something, your BMs could potentially be going home with dresses the very same day.

What do favors have to do with your bridesmaids? You and your FI should be handling that. Your BMs aren't required to help you pick them out or assemble them. If they volunteer to help, awesome, but they are not obligated to help. You can ask for help if you need it, but if your wedding is so complicated that even choosing favors "requires" help, then you need to scale it back to a more managable level.

Plus, someone does not need to be a bridesmaid in order to help you. Lots of people who were not in my bridal party kindly offered their help or advice.

You're overthinking their importance in your wedding plans. Relax!

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Okay, I take it back: Having a travel agent is a good idea in theory. And will be helpful for some of them, especially those who don't travel often. But it's wrong to require them to use that specific travel agent to book what will be an expensive flight for them.

nda_roxybabe · June 2010

Dude, even if I knew now that I could go I certainy wouldn't be able to book it yet. You're asking too much if you want everyone booked now.

Jenni.Adams · June 2010

It is really simple. All you have to do is tell the travel agent or whomever was asking that since it is over a year away you don't have a set number but this is a rough estimate which is X amount of people (Everyone that you asked) and you will have a more definitive answer closer to the date.

AutumnFair · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-wedding-party-coming-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:78347c4a-0a14-4bef-a316-c0a811e93befPost:ff172bd1-5239-4b82-a7ac-42ac770ec744">Re: I need to know if my wedding party is coming to my destination wedding!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah I have a travel agent taking care of all the reservations. Everybody booking a reservation doesnt need to put any money up front. I have about 10 rooms booked already from family members and nobodys even thinking about the airfare(its not even available yet). It would just be nice to have some peace of mind by having the wedding party give me an up front answer on whether theyll be booking or not. Im not sure why my wedding planner was asking me about how many people I would have. Shes part of the resort im staying at, I think she was trying to get an idea. But what do I do when im ready to start looking for bridesmaid gowns or favors or something, but their still "not sure" if theyll be able to make yet. How do i handle that?
Posted by kdaub1105[/QUOTE]

<div>You need to calm down and realize the best thing you can do for both yourself and your WP is to pick a designer, color, length and let them choose whatever dress they want. If you are one that really has to have matchy-matchy wait until you are 6-8 months from your wedding so those in the WP have a better idea if they are coming or not. But I still favor my first advice with just choosing the dress criteria and letting them choose their own dress. I also recommend going to somewhere like David's where they can get dresses in fast (I think ladies around the board say around 2-4 weeks) which gives them plenty of time to get the dress and make the decision if they will be able to go. Another reason I recommend you be flexible is that your WP is spending a lot money to go see your wedding, give them a break and let them choose something that is affordable. </div><div>
</div><div>Yes, it would be nice for people to make a commitment but A LOT can happen in a year. Like other ppl mention things can change dramatically in a person's life. Once again chillax, all your WP need to do is get the dress and show up to your wedding. Give them a break and be flexible with the attire and then let it go until 2 months out. If some of your WP can't make it, oh well, you are still getting married, it isn't a huge deal. I thought DW were supposed to be even more carefree than regular weddings?</div>

LD1970 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-wedding-party-coming-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:78347c4a-0a14-4bef-a316-c0a811e93befPost:ff172bd1-5239-4b82-a7ac-42ac770ec744">Re: I need to know if my wedding party is coming to my destination wedding!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah I have a travel agent taking care of all the reservations. Everybody booking a reservation doesnt need to put any money up front. I have about 10 rooms booked already from family members and nobodys even thinking about the airfare(its not even available yet). It would just be nice to have some peace of mind by having the wedding party give me an up front answer on whether theyll be booking or not. Im not sure why my wedding planner was asking me about how many people I would have. Shes part of the resort im staying at, I think she was trying to get an idea. But what do I do when im ready to start looking for bridesmaid gowns or favors or something, but their still "not sure" if theyll be able to make yet. How do i handle that?
Posted by kdaub1105[/QUOTE]
If they told you they'll be in your wedding, you need to trust them. And you don't need to look for dresses for them until the winter.

emarston1 · June 2010

I'm confused why you are so concerned if they will be there. If they were aware that it would be a destination wedding and they said yes, why wouldn't they be there?

I am a BM for a out of state wedding in January and I haven't booked anything yet. There's still plenty of time.

SassyBrass · June 2010

Yep, you have plenty of time. DWs don't really have a lot of the same aspects of a local wedding where a year out is pushing the limit. Somewhere else is pretty easy. I'm getting married in Jamaica in a couple of months and stuff isn't all put together. I even have a couple of people thinking of coming out and haven't booked anything.
To put this in perspective, since a year out from my upcoming wedding (last August), 4 of my friends have become pregnant and won't be able to come. My FMIL's friend cancelled because she needs to take care of her mother. And with 2 months still to go, I'm sure other stuff is bound to come up. That's just how it goes, your friends and family are going to have things happen in the next year, be it good or bad. Don't expect anyone to book now. It's way far out.
I also haven't mentioned that nobody in my WP has picked something to wear. Honestly, they're gonna just get something from a dept. store, because I don't have to really think about that. Less to stress over.
All I'm saying is a year is a long time away for most people, especially to make those big kinds of plans. Passports don't take too long to process currently, and most of the places in Jamaica I looked into don't really have too many bookings that far in advance. I think I first called our coordinator in April. Not only that, but last year when I went to Jamaica the first time, we booked our stuff about 2 months in advance. It didn't inconvenience anyone or anything in that wedding.
Don't ask anyone to "step down". If they can't make it, they can't. That's just one of those catches of a DW. Not everyone will be going, so please take it with a grain of salt. Happy Planning!

emilyinchile · June 2010

OP, hi. I didn't have a DW, but I live in Chile, and 3 of 4 BMs live in the US. They all told me immediately that they would come down, decided on dates (even though they waited a while to actually book their flights), and basically I know more or less a week after I got engaged - which was 7 months out from my wedding - that they would be coming.

Then there was an 8.8 earthquake the week before my wedding, and suddenly I had no idea if any of them would be able to make it because the airport was closed. Luckily they did all get here (even if my godmother didn't), although my MOH got here 5 days later than planned. So just chill. Even if you force them to make these decisions now, which is totally unnecessary as PPs have said, something could happen that means one or more of them can't come. And that will be ok. So instead of driving everyone including yourself crazy right now when really, you won't know with 100% certainty who can be there until they're there, just let it go, and trust that they are all doing their best to make this trip work.

elmulvey · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_need-wedding-party-coming-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:78347c4a-0a14-4bef-a316-c0a811e93befPost:8a2a6eb2-0a58-4ee2-b17f-18994c604c72">Re: I need to know if my wedding party is coming to my destination wedding!</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, hi. I didn't have a DW, but I live in Chile, and 3 of 4 BMs live in the US. They all told me immediately that they would come down, decided on dates (even though they waited a while to actually book their flights), and basically I know more or less a week after I got engaged - which was 7 months out from my wedding - that they would be coming. Then there was an 8.8 earthquake the week before my wedding, and suddenly I had no idea if any of them would be able to make it because the airport was closed. Luckily they did all get here (even if my godmother didn't), although my MOH got here 5 days later than planned. So just chill. Even if you force them to make these decisions now, which is totally unnecessary as PPs have said, something could happen that means one or more of them can't come. And that will be ok. So instead of driving everyone including yourself crazy right now when really, you won't know with 100% certainty who can be there until they're there, just let it go, and trust that they are all doing their best to make this trip work.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Hey Emily can I ask where in Chile you are? It is VERY possible we will be re-locating there in the spring, to Antofagasta (I probably spelled that wrong...)

lexandfab · June 2010

I totaly understanding wanting answers to everything when you are in the middle of planning but this can seriously be pushed off. Drop it and revisit it in about 4 months.

I need to know if my wedding party is coming to my destination wedding!

Re: I need to know if my wedding party is coming to my destination wedding!

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