CN: My mother is mentally ill, unstable, violent, and dangerous. That doesn't cover it all, but it keeps this post as short as possible. I can’t invite her to the wedding. I think my grandpa (who denies that she is mentally ill) might pay to have her fly in as a surprise gift to me. How can I tell him without getting into gory details that she’s not invited? Is this possible?
Background:
Since I do not talk to her, I find no reason to tell her that she's not invited. Why would I? My SIL suggested a few months ago to cue her in and just let her know why, because it would be better to come from me rather than finding out after the fact or from someone else. She later rescinded this, after I explained that she's not rational, and its crazy to expect to have a rational conversation with someone who is not all there.
All my brothers and SILs respect my decision and think it’s the best one that I can make; Putting my safety first, before my mother's feelings.
She lives in Alaska, I’m in Wisconsin. Believe me, that distance has helped make things a little easier as far as keeping the wedding “hush hush.”
So, I’m at my grandparents’ house today, and grandpa asked if my mom was coming. (I don’t talk to them about my mom. My grandma has Alzheimer’s and stress related to my mom makes her condition worse. My aunt has tried talking to my grandpa about my mother’s illness, but my grandpa just doesn’t get it. He just thinks that if she moved back home, her financial woes would miraculously rid her of her mental illness.
Also, I haven’t told them everything that has happened between my mom and I nor what has happened between my brothers and my mom. I just have been really vague about not getting a long to the point that I cannot have her in my life actively.
So anyway, grandpa asked if my mom was coming to my wedding. I froze. I just wasn’t ready for that- but I knew in my gut it would happen eventually. I mean, she’s my mom. People like my grandparents will expect her to be there.
I just said, “I don’t know,” and quickly changed the subject.
I need to tell him that she’s not invited, like tomorrow. FI says grandpa will probably call mom and offer to pay her way if I don’t act soon. It’s just the kind of thing he would do, so I need to tell him. It just breaks my heart to have to do this. But I know- I need to face the music. There are consequences for my decision, and I’m ready to accept them.
I’m going to try to keep it light hearted as possible, saying, “I cannot invite my mother to the wedding, I will be happy to report to you when my relationship with her changes and we are on better terms.” Hopefully he will accept my wishes. If he demands to know more, I will offer some more information, if need be. My aunt has my back, so she might have to talk to him, too. But I know this is my responsibility.
Ha anyone ever been in this situation? Any insight on how you told others without giving gory details would be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
A huge stomach ulcer located in the belly of KatoNorway