Choosing of Bridesmaids! Poor friends or opinionated sisters?

Lizi1436 · April 2011

So I'm having some difficulty with deciding who will be in my bridal party and would like some advice please

My FI is having 4 groomsmen (symmetry is not a huge concern for us though). I know who I would like to be my MOH and one bridesmaid. I have a two options for the rest of the bridal party: (1) inviting one friend that lives out of state who always is short on money and another friend who had asked me to be in her wedding party, but had a baby instead and is also very short on money OR (2) asking my 2 sisters and my FI sister (all of them are about 10 years older and married with children). I prefer my two friends because our 3 sisters are opinionated and tend to treat me as the "little sister" still; however, is it polite to give my friends an "opt out?" I don't want them to feel obligated to be in the bridal party because I know it can get expensive, especially since we are planning a destination bachelorette party. Decisions decisions...Please help

StacyJenniges · April 2011

Pick who you want to be in the wedding, which sounds like you want the friends. If they cann't afford to go to the Bachorlette party let them know you understand. You can always do a stag night with them before or after the destination Bachorlette party, so they can celebrate with you too. And if they are short on cash try to be concious of their budget when picking out Bridesmaid dresses. If I were you I'd rather have to cover the BM for a few of the BM, then have very oppinionated BMs.

Summer2011Bride · April 2011

Ask who you want to stand up there with you with no thought of money, where they live, etc. Don't give them an "opt out" option. That comes across as "I'm asking you, but don't really want you in the WP," even if that's not how you mean it.

If they can't afford it, they will tell you. Just ask who you want and let them make up their minds about the finances.

Kniblet · April 2011

[QUOTE]Ask who you want to stand up there with you with no thought of money, where they live, etc. Don't give them an "opt out" option. That comes across as "I'm asking you, but don't really want you in the WP," even if that's not how you mean it. If they can't afford it, they will tell you. Just ask who you want and let them make up their minds about the finances.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]
Ditto.

Also, if the date in your bio is correct, you have over a year before your wedding. Wait to choose the bridal party until 6-9 months out. So many relationships change in the time it takes to plan a wedding.

AutumnFair · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-of-bridesmaids-poor-friends-opinionated-sisters?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b766ec8-7a18-4465-9670-9f6d910f90e4Post:0b4fce06-6f99-4846-a34a-9bff1c8bb765">Choosing of Bridesmaids! Poor friends or opinionated sisters?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I'm having some difficulty with deciding who will be in my bridal party and would like some advice please :) My FI is having 4 groomsmen (symmetry is not a huge concern for us though). I know who I would like to be my MOH and one bridesmaid. I have a two options for the rest of the bridal party: (1) inviting one friend that lives out of state who always is short on money and another friend who had asked me to be in her wedding party, but had a baby instead and is also very short on money OR (2) asking my 2 sisters and my FI sister (all of them are about 10 years older and married with children). I prefer my two friends because our 3 sisters are opinionated and tend to treat me as the "little sister" still; however, is it polite to give my friends an "opt out?" I don't want them to feel obligated to be in the bridal party because I know it can get expensive, especially since we are planning a destination bachelorette party. Decisions decisions...Please help :)
Posted by Lizi1436[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You should choose whomever is closest to you regardless of expenses. To avoid problems ask what their budget are for the BM dress and do <em>not </em>expect them to be a the bachelorette party or any other pre-wedding parties (specially the OOT one). If you require professional hair, makeup, or matching shoes you should pay for any of those expenses. Being a BM doesn't have to break the bank, if the Bride cares about her friends she will do the best she can with getting budgets and keeping expenses as small as possible for her friends and family. And like Kniblet suggested wait a while before you ask, relationships change, and you might decide just to have 2 people and not mess choosing the rest of your friends or family. </div><div>
</div><div>Things to remember:</div><div>1.) Weddings are not tit for tat so don't feel obligated to put someone in just because you were their BM (not too sure if you were a BM because you said instead she had a baby so not sure if she cancelled her wedding or not).</div><div>2.) If you want your sisters and their only problem is that they give their opinions, there is an easy solution to prevent them getting under your skin. Don't talk about your wedding to them. If the conversation can't be brought up, there can't be any opinions about it.</div><div>3.) Be careful if you don't ask your sisters. Though blood related does not give you an automatic pass to be a BM, certain families can get very offended if siblings are not asked.

</div>

katieisawesome · April 2011

Just one thing I noticed in your OP as PPs have answered the real question here... who exactly is planning your destination bachelorette party? I hope you're not planning it and then telling your bridal party what they have to pay, because that is really rude and awful.

regfalange · April 2011

Think of who you want to be up there first, and ask them. But mention to them they if they don't think they can afford it and don't want to because of that, then they don't have to. Most people will just say "I can't afford it, but I don't care and I want to be there for you, I'll figure something out!" I had a friend that had a bridesmaid drop out because there was no way she could afford it. If that did happen to you, you could then choose your alternates. But don't ever say "alternate" to them. Just say "I really wanted to have you from the beginning but I had to include my best friend so and so, but now its kind of good she dropped out cause I can have you after all" It's a little less harsh.

Lizi1436 · April 2011

Thank you so much for all of your feedback ladies! We don't have a set wedding date yet, we are currently making appointments to look at halls. We are thinking about early summer of next year. I know we have plenty of time, but I'm just excited and was curious for some feedback. I actually just had this discussion with my FI last night and I'm going to wait to decide because with me graduating from grad school in May life is going to change a lot! Relationships may as well. As for the cost of being in my bridal party, I will be very conscious about price because I don't want anybody going broke for our wedding. It's about them being there, not what they spend to be there with me. As for the bachelorette party, I'm not planning it. My MOH and a few of my girlfriends already have plans in the works. Again, it will be as affordable as possible. I also plan to pay my own way for it.

Thank you again for all of the feedback ladies! I'm going to take the advice and just wait to ask. My FI and I are just so excited and have been talking non-stop about wedding stuff. It's still new. I'm sure in a few weeks, we will be much more calm, cool and collected about it.

regfalange · April 2011

I wish my FI had been so into talking about wedding stuff non-stop!

Best of luck, it will be great, and beautiful and you will have your best ladies with you!

theluckiest555 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-of-bridesmaids-poor-friends-opinionated-sisters?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b766ec8-7a18-4465-9670-9f6d910f90e4Post:0acaa88c-f3f1-4250-8ecf-d84f19230037">Re: Choosing of Bridesmaids! Poor friends or opinionated sisters?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto. Also, if the date in your bio is correct, you have over a year before your wedding. Wait to choose the bridal party until 6-9 months out. So many relationships change in the time it takes to plan a wedding.
Posted by Kniblet[/QUOTE]

Very true, Kniblet. I second this. And third this. lol. Relationships do change over time, and once you ask someone to be in your WP, I'm afraid you can't un-ask them without causing alot of drama. I was pretty hasty to ask some of my girls just because I was so excited, and I regretted asking one friend that ended up bailing on me. Just ask who is closest to your heart, and don't give them an "out" because you think they don't have the money (this sounds nice in theory, but might just end up hurting feelings) Also, as PP said, just because a girl asked you to be in your wedding doesn't mean that you have to ask her to be in yours. Don't feel any obliation to include anyone. Hopefully people will understand that you can't include everyone in the WP, much as you might want to. But, those people that are your friends that you didn't include in your WP could have another role in the wedding, such as doing a reading.<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /> Good luck!

Viczaesar · April 2011

Just keep in mind that the only thing your bridesmaids are required to buy is the dress. If you require particular shoes, you pay for it. If you require professional hair and/or make up, you pay for it. None of your bridesmaids are required to attend any of the pre-wedding activities.

trix1223 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-of-bridesmaids-poor-friends-opinionated-sisters?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b766ec8-7a18-4465-9670-9f6d910f90e4Post:2448ad8b-9f7a-4b7d-8180-19e73669521d">Re: Choosing of Bridesmaids! Poor friends or opinionated sisters?</a>:
[QUOTE]Think of who you want to be up there first, and ask them. But mention to them they if they don't think they can afford it and don't want to because of that, then they don't have to. Most people will just say "I can't afford it, but I don't care and I want to be there for you, I'll figure something out!" I had a friend that had a bridesmaid drop out because there was no way she could afford it.<strong> If that did happen to you, you could then choose your alternates.</strong> But don't ever say "alternate" to them. Just say "I really wanted to have you from the beginning but I had to include my best friend so and so, but now its kind of good she dropped out cause I can have you after all" It's a little less harsh.
Posted by regfalange[/QUOTE]

This is a pretty awful idea. It strongly tells your "first string BM" that she's easily replaceable, and the "JV BM" that she's sloppy seconds. Please, if a member of the WP drops out for any reason, please don't replace him/her. It's really poor form.

Summer2011Bride · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_choosing-of-bridesmaids-poor-friends-opinionated-sisters?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:7b766ec8-7a18-4465-9670-9f6d910f90e4Post:222d15d4-d007-4a22-9d3f-f0d4f6062bad">Re: Choosing of Bridesmaids! Poor friends or opinionated sisters?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Choosing of Bridesmaids! Poor friends or opinionated sisters? : This is a pretty awful idea. It strongly tells your "first string BM" that she's easily replaceable, and the "JV BM" that she's sloppy seconds. Please, if a member of the WP drops out for any reason, please don't replace him/her. It's really poor form.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Ditto. I would hate to be a replacement BM. I would feel like, if you honestly wanted me in the WP, you would have asked me to begin with. Don't try to fill a quota. If someone has to drop out or can't do it, then you just have one less BM.

Choosing of Bridesmaids! Poor friends or opinionated sisters?

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