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Catholic wedding experience has left me feeling empty

PolkaDot24PolkaDot24 member
10 Comments
in Catholic Weddings
We were married in a Catholic Mass a few weeks ago, and the entire process has left me feeling really empty.

We were both raised Catholic and had been practicing Catholics for years. (We are by no means perfect, but we attended Mass and discussed our shortcomings.)

We were married in his childhood church because it was important to him, but, honestly, it was quiet clear they didn't care about us to me. The priest my then-FI wanted to marry us (we'd both attended Masses he led for years) wouldn't return my calls or e-mails and never met with us. He left the parish three months before our wedding, and the pastor agreed to marry us. He met with us for thirty minutes one day. No guidance, no advice. His biggest concern was that we didn't make much money (thanks, Father.). But we did everything they asked. We read the books, talked about the chapters. We read all the readings, and thoughtfully selected our choices based on our beliefs and feelings.

The night of our rehearsal, I had asked the priest to hear confession. We haven't been perfect, and I just wanted a clean start. He jetted out of the rehearsal while I was speaking with a family member, and we didn't get to confess. This really upset me, but I didn't want to cause trouble.

The wedding day, the priest (who has voice trouble) had a deacon we never met and was never introduced to give the homily. He said my name wrong the entire time. (My name is not anything super ethnic or difficult, but he could have asked me while I was waiting in the back of the church.) They played the music they wanted to play, not what we chose. They left out portions of the ceremony we had discussed. It was disheartening.

We are married, and I am so happy. Those little things won't change the commitment we've made. And I know it's just a bunch of little things. But I am feeling a serious hole in my heart when thinking of the church. Can any of you offer some advice for me? I am feeling a bit resentful and very disheartened.

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Re: Catholic wedding experience has left me feeling empty

  • Riss91Riss91 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry that sounds like a bunch of little things that in the aggregate, really stink.

    To me it sounds like one of those "bad egg" experiences. Unfortunately, not every priest is wonderful and caring and a lot of people don't think these kind of details matter. And in the grand scheme of things, some of them aren't a big deal, but it still stinks. We were very lucky to have an amazing group of priests and musicians that were so personal to us. My sister had the reverse situation for her wedding. She used our childhood parish, but the priest was so nasty and unapproachable - they really weren't pleased with him. A couple weeks before their ceremony, that priest was relocated and this amazing priest came in and did an awesome job.

    The best thing you can do is seek out a better parish, with an attentive, caring priest. The Catholic Church has them, I swear! Sometimes you just have to seek them out. Try to remember the great parts of the ceremony and try to move past the parts you regret. It will get easier as time goes on.

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  • HandBananaHandBanana member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Riss.  You and H should go and find a parish where you feel like a part of a community.

    I'm really sorry you had this experience especially when it sounds like your faith and having a Catholic wedding was very important to you and H.
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  • Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    that's really unfortunate, but bad priests are sadly eveywhere within our various diocese.

    you two shoudl do some church shopping and find a place with a priest who you like and can form a bond with.  someday you will need other sacraments - baptism, etc. and you will want a good experience for those.

    good luck!
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  • ootmother2ootmother2 member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Your bio says you're in North Central New Jersey.

    I have a ton of family out there, mostly Morristown, Mt. Lakes, Harding areas.

    PM me if you would like some suggestions for churches in your area.  Trust me, there are great Catholic churches there!
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  • PolkaDot24PolkaDot24 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your responses. This is not the parish we attend regularly since moving. DH didn't want to be married in our new parish because this is a temporary situation. He preferred sticking with a church that would always be important to him. His parents were active with this parish for decades and they still belong. (Although they were really no help with dealing with these priests.)

    Our new parish is nice, but is very family-centered. It has two schools and that really seems to be its focus. There doesn't seem to be much of a ministry for newlyweds or young, married couples who don't yet have children. I guess we are a small section of the group. I guess I just feel like I've been let down at each parish I've been  with -- this last experience just pushed me over.
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  • _Dagney__Dagney_ member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry.  It shouldn't have been like that.  But you're right.  You ARE married. And that is the most important thing at the end of the day.
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  • ElisabethJoanneElisabethJoanne member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I think it was Belloc who said Catholics "must often suffer more from the Church than for the Church." It might help to remember that the Church is family. I'm sure your natural families created some "interesting" drama in the wedding-planning process, yet you still love them. In much the same way, continue to love the Church.

    God bless your new marriage, and God especially bless these difficult people you encountered.
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  • bibliophile2010bibliophile2010 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Others have offered up some great advice. I would add pray to the mix. God is the one who will ultimately heal that hole in your heart and come to terms with what was, unfortunately, a bad experience.

    I've also seen that parishes don't have a lot for young marrieds or young adults, but I would imagine many groups would love some young blood. Volunteer to do something with or for the parish -- that will help you meet people with interests similar to yours, even if you are not in the exact same age/place in life.
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  • unplainjaneunplainjane member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    i'm so sorry to hear about the ceremony. i can see how it can leave you feeling this way. feel blessed that you have found each other and that you were able to have a catholic ceremony. we had difficulty even having a catholic ceremony so we were happy that in the end we were able to. during marriage classes the main thing i learned was that yes the wedding day is important but it's the marriage that is the thing that lasts and is the above all most important.
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  • PolkaDot24PolkaDot24 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you all for your encouraging words. We know that it's the marriage that's important. I'm trying to put the little things out of my mind.
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  • katetwkatetw member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't have a lot more practical advice to add, but I wanted to say that I'm in the same boat and it's no fun. I also live in central Jersey (wonder if it's the same church?) and we were married by a childhood friend of H, but in our local church. We had to do all the marriage prep with the parish priest. He was very nice, but we could tell he just picked our folder out of a drawer five seconds before we walked in and went through a rote list of questions. The worst part was that the woman who handles the logistics of marriages there (not their day-of coordinator), made many mistakes and was outwardly nasty. She lost our date and was rude to us about it when the mix-up was discovered, she lost our deposit and was rude about it, and she informed us a week before the wedding that we'd have to "pay the full non-parishioner rate" as opposed to the agreed-upon parishioner rate because I wasn't donating enough in my weekly tithe. (I'm a grad student and a baby-sitter... even when I registered with the parish I told them that I can't give a lot now, but I give what I can.) We are heartbroken and just feel like we are just cash cows for the church, which is not how we wanted to start our marriage in the church. We had hoped to have one church to be married in, have our kids baptized in, etc., but now we're on the hunt for a new parish. (Kind of a bummer since we can actually see this church from the windows of our home!)
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