Moms and Maids

Super bummed about mom's opinion.

My mother was really excited when i told her I was getting Married. I'm pretty sure she cried alittle. (which was expected). but three days later i told her the wedding would be in my home town (North Pole, AK). she completely stopped smiling, and she told me she wasnt going because of where it was. I dont mean she said "i'm sorry. Thats really far, and i dont know if i can afford it." I mean she yelled that I was stupid for having it there, and nobody would go because nobody would care to. I was completely thrown off by her reaction.

Yesterday I got an email from David's Bridal that said the new Vera Wang collection would be out next week (I'm super excited to try on these dresses! my FI knows how excited i am) and she just said "k." and started talking to my brother about Star Trek and some new game.

The first time I asked to look at dresses, she just asked "why?" about 50 times before she agreed to go. and the whole friggin time we were there, she just stared at the wall or floor. She took pictures of the dress after i asked her 10 times to. I asked her if the flowers I chose would look good together, since they'll be silk, and she said "how would I know?" She arranges flowers very well, I just wanted her help alittle. I cant even get her to smile about a friggin flower...

Sooo! Long story short, when my FI comes back down here after he does this work, He says he'll take me back to David's Bridal, because he wants me to be happy, and I'm glad he does, but i want my mother to be part of it too, its looking like she wont be.. At All!

Should I just give up on trying to get her to help me and smile for me, reguardless of where I'll be on the wedding day?
Cheyenne & Mark / Liam & Quinn
"Alaska doesn't grow on you as much as it makes you unfit to live anywhere else"
"Thank God For All I've Missed, Cause It Lead Me Here To This"
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Re: Super bummed about mom's opinion.

  • edited December 2011
    Dad is married to mom. But just about anything pleases my dad. He didn't say anything to me about what my mom said. He stayed out it, he says "this is between you and mom. you figure it out. cause i dont know what to do." He says he'll see what he can do about getting there. But he cant promise anything. he wont go anywhere with out my mother's approval. So, i'm just leaning toward my mom, because well, shes my mom. I love her. but this wedding pretty much changed how she acts around me.
    Cheyenne & Mark / Liam & Quinn
    "Alaska doesn't grow on you as much as it makes you unfit to live anywhere else"
    "Thank God For All I've Missed, Cause It Lead Me Here To This"
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot!
  • edited December 2011
    I think you answered your own question. Your mom was happy about your wedding until you told her it would be in North Pole, Alaska. It's possible that she can't afford to go. And she is disappointed that her family members probably won't be able to go, either. It's too bad that came off as angry, but it sounds like she was taken off guard by your plans.

    Try to talk to her about it, again. Will you be able to help her with her travelling expenses? Does she have any family in Alaska that she would be able to stay with?


                       
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_super-bummed-moms-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b99bda5a-cb82-4b6d-98e0-48d247dd2ff4Post:414bd2df-a681-46c6-8c87-646c973d6c95">Re: Super bummed about mom's opinion.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you answered your own question. Your mom was happy about your wedding until you told her it would be in North Pole, Alaska. It's possible that she can't afford to go. And she is disappointed that her family members probably won't be able to go, either. It's too bad that came off as angry, but it sounds like she was taken off guard by your plans. Try to talk to her about it, again. Will you be able to help her with her travelling expenses? Does she have any family in Alaska that she would be able to stay with?
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    Well yeah, shes angry that it wont be here. Family members can, they just arent too close to me to come and thats how they are. I've got my aunt, her BF, my cousin that are going. 
    And its not that she cant afford it, but she just hates that town. She didnt even go to my HS graduation in Fairbanks, AK. She just doesnt like there. but thats where My FI & I agreed on. We both love AK. thats where he wanted it.
    We could help them pay for it, they know that. We've got plenty of places they could stay. Aunt's BF, Family friends.. etc.
    Cheyenne & Mark / Liam & Quinn
    "Alaska doesn't grow on you as much as it makes you unfit to live anywhere else"
    "Thank God For All I've Missed, Cause It Lead Me Here To This"
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot!
  • edited December 2011
    Then try to give your mom some time to get used to the idea. If you are paying for your wedding, you get to decide where it will be. And your guests, including your mom, gets to decide whether or not they will attend. Let her know how much you want her to be there and then let it go for a while.
                       
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_super-bummed-moms-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b99bda5a-cb82-4b6d-98e0-48d247dd2ff4Post:025fd68a-c521-408a-a94a-36cb8b9b5660">Re: Super bummed about mom's opinion.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Then try to give your mom some time to get used to the idea. If you are paying for your wedding, you get to decide where it will be. And your guests, including your mom, gets to decide whether or not they will attend. Let her know how much you want her to be there and then let it go for a while.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    Thank you.
    I'll talk to her some other time about it, and just stick to talking about my excitement to my FI.
    Cheyenne & Mark / Liam & Quinn
    "Alaska doesn't grow on you as much as it makes you unfit to live anywhere else"
    "Thank God For All I've Missed, Cause It Lead Me Here To This"
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot!
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    When you and your mom are both in relaxed, easy moods, sit down with her and ask her to really tell you how she feels about this.  Don't be defensive, really LISTEN, and talk it out. While I can understand why she would not be tickled pink about the location, as a MOB I'm having a hard time understanding her harsh stance.  Her reaction was not ok, telling you it's stupid.

    Is there a chance her anger is in part because she can't be with you to plan more?  You said she hates AK.  I'm kind of curious as to why you graduated in AK and your parents lived in antoher state.  Did I misread that?

    I understand you wanting her to be a part of your wedding planning.  I have 4 girls and I totally get it! 

    Let her know how much it means to you to have her help you (seems like you are doing that by your actions).  Maybe a quiet chat and listening to each other will get this whole thing going down the right road.

    I think your dad could be a bit more proactive here.  Saying it's between you and your mom and he'll see what he can do is sticking his head in the sand.  If DH or I had a reaction like your mom had, the other one would be doing a "WTH, and have you lost your mind?"  I think your dad needs to step up a bit more and have a discussion with your mom regarding how she hurt your feelings and the long term effect of her actions.

    I wish you the very best and I truly hope this works out for you.  Remember...listen to what she has to say and don't interrupt.  Ask the same of her.  As a MOB I probably wouldn't be super geeked about AK but I'd be buying a warm wardrobe and a plane ticket and I'd be there.

    Please come back and let us know how things are going. 
  • edited December 2011
    I will try doing that.

    And, to answer your graduation question, i was born and raised in AK. I graduated from online classes from the school district there. We moved before my senior year when i was pregnant. it was kind of hard to do one single year while having a child in a new town. So, i just did it online. SO much easier. and my dad, my son and I traveled back for my graduation.
    Cheyenne & Mark / Liam & Quinn
    "Alaska doesn't grow on you as much as it makes you unfit to live anywhere else"
    "Thank God For All I've Missed, Cause It Lead Me Here To This"
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot!
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_super-bummed-moms-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b99bda5a-cb82-4b6d-98e0-48d247dd2ff4Post:76bf618e-48da-4b69-9d81-59ad57089ea3">Re: Super bummed about mom's opinion.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I will try doing that. And, to answer your graduation question, i was born and raised in AK. I graduated from online classes from the school district there. We moved before my senior year when i was pregnant. it was kind of hard to do one single year while having a child in a new town. So, i just did it online. SO much easier. and my dad, my son and I traveled back for my graduation.
    Posted by cheykent[/QUOTE]

    That makes sense.  She must really hate AK to not attend your graduation.  In the back of my mind I'm wondering if there is some reason she has attached such hatred to AK.  I'm no shrink and I'm not trying to disrespect your mom, but refusing to attend your graduation or wedding because they are in AK doesn't seem normal to me.  It just seems like there is something way off here.

    You seem to love her a lot and you didn't make your OP sound like she has always been distant in your relationship.  You seem to want to welcome her into your wedding planning.  That is why it just seems that something out of the ordinary is way off for her to react like that.

    When she is breathing her last breath, I don't think she is going to be saying, "Thank God I didn't go to her wedding or graduation."  The MOB in me just wonders why she would have such an incredibly inappropriate response to your wedding location.
  • gottadance64gottadance64 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Man, it's awful that at that age your mom can't express her feelings contructively. She could have said so many other things. This is not about HER. It's your wedding and at the very least she could express her disappointment in a better way. 

    I'd make one more attempt to talk to her constructively, let her know her reaction and how's she's been behaving really hurts your feelings, and if she doesn't seem willing or open ot discuss it, then let it go. You only get to have this experience once. Very selfish behavior by your mom.
    Daring to dream a bigger dream
  • kgorman307kgorman307 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am sorry you're dealing with this. My mom lost all excitement when I told her I wanted to get married here in NC, when she lives in RI and most of my family does as well. We had a 20 min conversation of her telling me how difficult traveling to NC would be for everyone and "I hope your siblings can afford to make it." Luckily when she found out how upset I was, she slept on it, thought about it, apologized and hopped on board.

    I can't even imagine how I'd feel in your situation. But you need to talk to your mom & find out why she hates AK so much that she'd say she won't attend your wedding if that's where you hold it. And, if my mom weren't able/willing to attend my wedding in NC, I would have switched my location to RI. I couldn't imagine my wedding day without my mom.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_super-bummed-moms-opinion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:b99bda5a-cb82-4b6d-98e0-48d247dd2ff4Post:e5c75d24-3077-452f-a9c5-6ea019b5b117">Re: Super bummed about mom's opinion.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am sorry you're dealing with this. My mom lost all excitement when I told her I wanted to get married here in NC, when she lives in RI and most of my family does as well. We had a 20 min conversation of her telling me how difficult traveling to NC would be for everyone and "I hope your siblings can afford to make it." Luckily when she found out how upset I was, she slept on it, thought about it, apologized and hopped on board. I can't even imagine how I'd feel in your situation. But you need to talk to your mom & find out why she hates AK so much that she'd say she won't attend your wedding if that's where you hold it. And, if my mom weren't able/willing to attend my wedding in NC, I would have switched my location to RI. I couldn't imagine my wedding day without my mom.
    Posted by kgorman307[/QUOTE]

    I understand how frustrating it is to hear the rant about how hard things are. And i agree i'd switch it too. but the problem is, my mother is the only with the issue of location. I was cosidering having it here, but the issues with it being here are, 1- I can hardly stand living in the heat this place generates, and wearing a wedding dress would completely kill me. and2-  if it were here, they would want it at my parents property. which would be fine, if it werent at an incline(sp?). 3 - no family is planning on going anyway, but 1 aunt and her 30 something daughter. the rest of the family isnt really into travelling or having family time. We have a family reunion picnic every june in NY where the famiyl is, and 4 people go... my aunt, my grandparents and the neighbor, that isnt family. So, there isnt a good reason to have it here. But everybody who is going will be in AK at that time. just not my parents.
    Cheyenne & Mark / Liam & Quinn
    "Alaska doesn't grow on you as much as it makes you unfit to live anywhere else"
    "Thank God For All I've Missed, Cause It Lead Me Here To This"
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot! Visit The Knot!
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Good call CMG.  So you are secretly getting married in VA this year, keeping it a huge secret, and having a pretty princess day next year?

    Your mother is upset that you are getting married in AK and not VA.  However, you REALLY are getting married in VA and not telling anyone?  Do I have your story correct?

    You get one wedding, period. 
  • vsgalvsgal member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    She probably already knows you are married and is not interested in playing in a role in your fake wedding.

    ROCK IS KING!!
  • edited December 2011
    If what they are saying is correct...then shame on you.  You deliberately misled people to get opinions on you side.  That's wrong on a lot of levels.

    If you want to get married in VA and then have a vow renewal in AK...then awesome.  But don't lie about it to us or to them.  Tacky and childish.
    My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!
  • djoann958djoann958 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    CMGr--Did I miss something? She is already married?
  • edited December 2011
    Check out chit chat board.  She GBCK'd there.
  • edited December 2011
    C'mon Chey - you left out some pertinent information.


                       
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