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But he's family!

sierraberry32sierraberry32 member
5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
 First off, my FI and his family are really into keeping the family big and consider anyone who hangs out with them as "family"! For example: The first few weeks that my FI and I were dating, they considered me family... I thought it was cool. Of course, my family has a different approach to it!

 Alright, so here's my reason for posting this. My sisters husband has a brother, I don't know what the correct name for him is so I just call him my brother-in-law. He's cool, and we talk a lot. He is sorta like the brother I never had. He gives me advice and when I am sad, he knows how to make me feel better. Well my FI does not like him for reasons I don't know.

 I of course wanted to invite him to our wedding, but my FI says "no". And it bugs me so much!  So I gave him the annoying saying he always tells me "But, he's family..." Apparently that wasn't good enough. I have yet to find out why he doesn't like my BIL.

What should I do? Not invite him? Or keep trying to figure out why he doesn't like my BIL and then find a solution?
~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
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Re: But he's family!

  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    >>He gives me advice and when I am sad, he knows how to make me feel better. Well my FI does not like him for reasons I don't know. ...   I have yet to find out why he doesn't like my BIL.

    Your FI doesn't like you BIL because he gives you advice and when you are sad, he knows how to make you feel better.

    That's fine for a single girl.  But an engaged girl need to realize that your FI is the man who should be doing those things in your life.  Not some random brother of your sister's husband.  That's inappropriate.

    And before you dismiss my post as stupid or old fashioned, let's look at this a different way:

    Let's say your FI has a brother who is married to a woman named Jill.  Let's say she has a sister named Emma.  Once your relationship got series with FI, you would be really pissed if your guy kept turning to Emma for advice and when he was sad.  He's supposed to be in a committed relationship with YOU.  If he wants to talk to a GIRL when he is sad, he is supposed to talk to YOU.
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  • sierraberry32sierraberry32 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_but-hes-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37324f68-e402-4787-9ab4-c56fe5e32794Post:cd046328-5255-4e63-a33c-28536494282f">Re: But he's family!</a>:
    [QUOTE] />>He gives me advice and when I am sad, he knows how to make me feel better. Well my FI does not like him for reasons I don't know. ...   I have yet to find out why he doesn't like my BIL. Your FI doesn't like you BIL because he gives you advice and when you are sad, he knows how to make you feel better. That's fine for a single girl.  But an engaged girl need to realize that your FI is the man who should be doing those things in your life.  Not some random brother of your sister's husband.  That's inappropriate. And before you dismiss my post as stupid or old fashioned, let's look at this a different way: Let's say your FI has a brother who is married to a woman named Jill.  Let's say she has a sister named Emma.  Once your relationship got series with FI, you would be really pissed if your guy kept turning to Emma for advice and when he was sad.  He's supposed to be in a committed relationship with YOU.  If he wants to talk to a GIRL when he is sad, he is supposed to talk to YOU.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

     He brought up almost the same point as you are... He said if "you invite him then I should be able to invite my BIL sister" I understand what he meant by that.

     And I understand what your saying... It's hard though because my BIL has been there for me for the past 10 years. You saying my FI might be jealous?
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
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  • sierraberry32sierraberry32 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_but-hes-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37324f68-e402-4787-9ab4-c56fe5e32794Post:05a1577f-3392-4f7c-9810-2592a54f240d">Re:But he's family!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I thought you had a "it's my day, I can do what I want" approach to wedding planning? That's what you advise others to do anyway. So, the obvious solution is to tell your FI that it's YOUR day and this person is coming whether he likes it or not, right?
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

     Alright StageManager14, I know you are a nice person, you don't have to act like me when it comes to commenting on someones post. Being a pain in the butt is what I do, being a sweet heart is what you do!
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
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  • Ali092011Ali092011 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_but-hes-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37324f68-e402-4787-9ab4-c56fe5e32794Post:cd046328-5255-4e63-a33c-28536494282f">Re: But he's family!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong><em>>>He gives me advice and when I am sad, he knows how to make me feel better. Well my FI does not like him for reasons I don't know. ...   I have yet to find out why he doesn't like my BIL.</em> Your FI doesn't like you BIL because he gives you advice and when you are sad, he knows how to make you feel better. </strong>That's fine for a single girl.  But an engaged girl need to realize that your FI is the man who should be doing those things in your life.  Not some random brother of your sister's husband.  That's inappropriate. And before you dismiss my post as stupid or old fashioned, let's look at this a different way: Let's say your FI has a brother who is married to a woman named Jill.  Let's say she has a sister named Emma.  Once your relationship got series with FI, you would be really pissed if your guy kept turning to Emma for advice and when he was sad.  He's supposed to be in a committed relationship with YOU.  If he wants to talk to a GIRL when he is sad, he is supposed to talk to YOU.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    Agreed.

    No one is going to say you can't have male friends now that you're soon to be married, but if this guy is your go-to when you're sad, upset, or you need advice, I can see why your FI wouldn't like him.
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  • jessicabessicajessicabessica member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker

    How does your FI feel about you talking to him and hanging out with him?  I would guess he doesn't like it.  So I would deal with that issue, and after that it should be easy to decide whether or not you invite him to the wedding.

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  • pearlaquapearlaqua member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_but-hes-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37324f68-e402-4787-9ab4-c56fe5e32794Post:462f2dac-cdf0-4ea4-9e21-815138a61007">Re: But he's family!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: But he's family! :  He brought up almost the same point as you are... He said if "you invite him then I should be able to invite my BIL sister" I understand what he meant by that.  And I understand what your saying...<strong> It's hard though because my BIL has been there for me for the past 10 years.</strong> <strong>You saying my FI might be jealous</strong>?
    Posted by sierraberry32[/QUOTE]

    It shouldn't matter if your sister's BIL (he's not your BIL) has been there for 10 years, your FI doesn't want him there and that should matter more to you than this non-family-member.

    FI might be jealous, but I think he might just feel disrespected.  Those are different emotions.

    It's very weird to have a sounding board of the opposite gender who isn't your FI.  Emotional intimacy is a powerful bonding agent for an engaged couple and you're sharing that with another man.   Not saying your FI can't just let the guy come to the wedding, but it is definitely worth discussing.
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  • sierraberry32sierraberry32 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_but-hes-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37324f68-e402-4787-9ab4-c56fe5e32794Post:fcf856aa-058b-44a8-a62a-4d3f7c9577f2">Re:But he's family!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:But he's family! : I've never been accused of being a "sweet heart', nor is being a "pain in the butt" what you do.  Giving awful advice on this site that has the potential to seriously hurt real human beings looking for help and insulting those of us who don't think that the wedding is all about whatever the bride or the couple wants is what you do.   I just don't understand why you would ask for help from the same ladies that you insult and accuse of having things up their butt when they advise based on things like manners and etiquette.  
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

     You have to admit that the ladies can say some pretty horrible things when giving advice to someone, especially about ediquette. And besides, it is just advice, what they do with it is their choice...
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
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  • sierraberry32sierraberry32 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_but-hes-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37324f68-e402-4787-9ab4-c56fe5e32794Post:24773bef-79e6-44d8-ba1c-b5a83597f1fc">Re: But he's family!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, BTW, he is your sister's brother-in-law.  No relation to you.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

     I know, I stated that in my OP. I don't know the proper name for him, I just call him my BIL.
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
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  • pearlaquapearlaqua member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_but-hes-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37324f68-e402-4787-9ab4-c56fe5e32794Post:2fbd5584-843b-4b94-9319-44d98a6de3c5">Re: But he's family!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: But he's family! :  I know, I stated that in my OP. I don't know the proper name for him, I just call him my BIL.
    Posted by sierraberry32[/QUOTE]

    Other languages have a name for this relationship, but not English. Fun fact!

    But anyway, there's a reason why there isn't a word for it, it's a very rarely-close relationship.
    In other cultures where your in-laws' families figure more in daily life, a word has been concocted. 

    I actually call those people my brother in-law in-law as a joke, but there's no real word for it.

    I'm not sure that you belong to one of these cultures, but I stand by my assessmement that  your FI's feelings should figure more prominently than the emotional connection you have with this person who is of no relation to you.
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