MOH drama...I could use some advice (kinda long)

dhdaydream · September 2010

I confess that I have no choice but to kick my MOH out of the WP.

Ok, hear me out. Both my mom and I spoke to her back in July about some issues we were having with her, and nothing has changed, in fact it has gotten worse. She is refusing to comunicate with ANY of my BM, in fact she has ignored messages from them regarding planning of my bacherlorette I found out. Also, my mom had to stand over her and demand that she write down my other BM contact info while planning my shower (mom kicked me out for the afternoon!).

Also, she is telling everyone that she is dating one of our GM, which she is not, and he is incredibly uncomfortable around her, you know, since he met her ONCE! My BM's are concerned that she will do something embarassing or inappropriate at the ceremony or reception regarding this.

She has been a habitual liar to me about different things about the wedding, and when I call her on it, she just lies more. Also, she refuses to attend events that my other BM are attending with me, even when she told me originally that she was free (she did this 4 times). Here's a good example: She hadn't contacted me at all for 2 weeks and blew off a meeting with me and one of our friends who is helping me hand out programs/reading at the wedding. I posted on FB that I was hanging with FI and the certain GM, and then I had 2 text messages, 3 facebook comments, and 1 voicemail! Seriously?!?! Oh, and creepy note...I play the silly bakery game on FB, and she designed her bakery to be IDENTICAL to mine! i mean, I've changed it twice, and she changed her's twice! Weird...really!

I tried talking to her about my concerns AGAIN: and all she did was say "I don't know why you're mad, you need to get over it, I have so much stress going on right now..." Umm...hello! You are stressing me out! how dare you be mad at me!

So, FI have been racking our brains and we spoke to the rest of the WP and our parents, and we have all come to the decision that it would be best if she was not part of the wedding. Everyone thinks that she wants to wear the pretty dress and be the belle of the ball and have it be about her rather than FI and me, not to mention their concerns about all of the other things she has or rather has not been doing. We are supposed to meet her Saturday at 2 for coffee. We figured a public place might be best. It's really sad. She was my college roommate and I never would have guessed she would have done anything like this. It is unbelieveable! FI and I are really upset that we have to do it, but we don't see any other choice.

Anyway..thanks for listening...er...reading. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks as always, ladies!

Lilac022 · September 2010

So your wedding is over 11 months away and you're mad she's not super excited about planning your bachelorette party? really? While some of your concerns are valid, her lack of giddy wedding excitement is not one of them. Not everyone's world revolves around your wedding that isn't happening for almost a full year. My advice is to chill out and give her some space.

DrPB2b13 · September 2010

I know it's tough and stressful, but I would give it some time. You have nearly one year left to go, most people aren't even thinking about the bachelorette party and the bridal shower at this point.

I'm not saying that you aren't justified in your thinking (personally, I would be thinking the exact same things!) but she has plenty of time to turn around - and YOU have plenty of time to replace her if she doesn't.

I would seriously consider whether it's worth losing her friendship, because I doubt yoiu'd remain terribly close after this. I realize that you're probably doubting whether or not you want to stay friends at this point as well, but keep remembering that you have more than enough time to make this decision for sure.

Gabs71109 · September 2010

Though I would not be as harsh, I do have to agree with Lilac. Your wedding is 11 months away. It's a bit early to be planning showers and B parities - nevermind getting upset because a MOH is not involved.

I also think your Mom "tattling" on your MOH is inappropriate. I am guessing she is the one that told you she had to, "stand over her and demand that she write down my other BM contact info while planning my shower". It's really not appropriate for you to be involved in the planning of any parties in your honor. While I appreciate that your mom kicked you out for the afternoon, you should not have been told about any bickering that took place.

I think you need to cut your friend a break. I don't know what "events" you are wanting her to attend this early in the planning process but it is not imperative that she be at any meeting or appointment you have. I'm sure there is a reason that you chose her as a MOH. Don't lose sight of that.

Personally, I think you need to sit down with your MOH without your FI and try to understand where she is coming from. If it were me and I found out that the rest of the WP and parents had been "spoken to about me" I might choose to take myself out of the wedding.

Remember, sometimes being in a wedding is tough on our friends. While copying your bakery is a little weird, imitation is the finest form of flattery. It sounds like your friend is likely jealous of what you have and I would hate to see you lose a friend without getting to the bottom of her feelings.

GL!

auntykarebear · September 2010

Ummm...you know your wedding is almost a year away, right? REALLY? I mean, maybe some of your concerns are valid. But I dunno...planning parties this early? You don't usually start that stuff until maybe the 6 month mark...relax.

litskispecialty · September 2010

I take it your friend has never been married or engaged.

I'm a 9/18 bride

I had a bit of a tough time with all of my BM's but one in particular. She is not married, not dating anyone and really wants kids before she's 30 (she's 28) but won't have them until she's been married for at least a year. With all that being said I think she had some understandable wedding envy and took it out in the wrong ways.

My BM was "helpful" behind my back, but a huge PITA to me, I was ready to drop her too until my MOH told me of all the things she was doing so that it was a surprise.

This BM threw a fit that she wouldn't wear the dress I picked out from David's Bridal and that I wouldn't drive 3 hours to her local DB to pick out dresses. She was upset that she wasn't picked MOH. She even threw a huge fit in Jan about my shower not being planned yet and actually told me that ettique says my mom pays for the wedding when I explained that showers are SUPPOSED to be a surprise for the bride and traditionally thrown by the bridesmaids so even if something were being planned I can't know about it. (I always thought the mom couldn't throw it either because then you're just asking for gifts for your child and that's rude). Bottom line issue was that she lives CT and my family is in NH where the shower took place, she didn't want to make the long commute like other friends from the same area (college friends) did.

I held my ground and said yes it's still MONTHS away. In the end this BM not only didn't come to the shower, she lied about having to work when I know damn well she didn't work that day. She didn't send a card, didn't call to see how it went but what can I do other people couldn't come and I didn't lose sleep over it.

Comes time for my Bachelorette party and she was magically able to stay at my apt. in MA and buy a TON of bachelorette decorations and do whatever she could to make the night special. She wrote on the card for my Bachelorette/wedding gifts some snidey remark that maybe someday she'll be happy too. Once I thought about it...she probably meant, I hope that I find someone who makes me as happy as FI makes you how nice just worded wrong.

So looooong story longer give it time. My BM has always been a bit of a liar and things have to be on HER terms, but I knew that going into the wedding and picking her as a BM. I was shocked by her behavior however because she was always my go-to rock and almost like a 2nd mom, of course that's why I picked her as a BM. In the end my wedding is in a week and I still have her as a friend.

As the girls have said, you have to give it time. Think about if you were the MOH would you really give a ratt's be-hind about planning a shower in 11 months? Don't you have a job, maybe a kid, husband, house or life that are a little more important than someone else's wedding? I would also be really hurt to know everyone was talking about me behind my back...be careful she might drop out on her own if you don't explain to her your concerns.

Finally trust me you will be SO sick of hearing about your wedding, talking about your wedding in 11 months you'll see why she doesn't want to think about it now.

dls.1215 · September 2010

I definitely think you need to give this time. I was having concerns about my MOH before my wedding but we worked it out in time and I definitely agree that it is too soon to be worrying about showers/b parties. If you have already been planning these parties she may just be feeling overwhelmed and thinking the next 11 months are going to revolve around you and feel like her life is going to be taken over. I would give it a while and maybe sit down and talk to her not about you being mad, but that you are concerned and maybe you guys should take a step back for a month or two and give her a break from things wedding related and re approach it in a few months when it actually is close enough to worry about showers and other parties. Wow sorry if that was rambling!

jrich7686 · September 2010

Hi everyone,
I think some need to go a little easier on dhdaydream.. although I agree, it is a little early to be planning a bachelorette/shower if your wedding is 11 months away. Also, you are the bride! You shouldn't be planning your own bach party or shower, you should be happy that those are things you finally don't have to plan and let your mom and bridal party take care of that! I completely understand your disappointment in your MOH though, as I have 2 (I initially couldn't choose between my two best friends, one I've known since we were in diapers and the other is pretty much my other half!). The one I've known for the past 24 years now did something a couple of months ago that hurt me deeply, and we haven't been the same ever since. I don't think it has anything to do with the timing of the wedding, ladies... bottom line is her MOH, someone who she trusted and counted on and cared for enough to give that important role, has hurt her & acted like her wedding is insignificant. Granted, the wedding is a while away.. so I agree, wait it out and don't make any rash decisions or act on your emotions right now. Things may get better. Good luck!

Luv2Cook27 · September 2010

Most of the ladies here do have a vaild point about the early planning of shower/bach parties. But, I don't think you have "no choice to but to kick her out".

I understand that she is being difficult, but have you ever looked at things from her perspective? Is she married or has she ever gone through what you are? Jealous maybe?

Maybe instead of expressing your concerns, ask her what she feels and or thinks?

Either way, you chose this person as your Maid of Honor for a reason. Let her know why and ask if she still wants to be a part of it rather than just "kicking her out"

Good luck, I know it's not an easy decision to make. Hope your meeting goes well!

MOH drama...I could use some advice (kinda long)

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