Moms and Maids

FMIL doesn't know we are getting married.

Hi ladies, I don't post much but I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I will prepare you now that this is going to be a long post. 
So to give you all the short version of this story.  I have been with my FH for 7 years now, when I first met him he did have a relationship with his mother.  He comes from divorced parents he was 13 when this happened.  We would make a point of seeing his mother every other week etc.  About a year into my FH and my relationship his mother suggested I was a gold digger.  We were looking at buying a townhouse together, his mom was giving him money for a down payment.  This was a catalist to bigger issues of his mom lieing to him through out his childhood about his father. 
His Dad is a great man! It took 10 years for my FH to see this.  It took so long because the divorce and his mothers brain washing. 6 years ago is when my FH and his father finally reunited (SO HAPPY). My FH saw alot of government documents regarding the divorce and the lies that were told to him.   But this has inturn caused the biggest rift in my FH's mothers family! 
My FH has zero contact with that side of the family.  His Mother isn't invited to our wedding which is in August this year.  This is totally 100% his choosing.  I have made it very clear to him to do what he thinks is best for him.  No negative people in our lives.
We also made a point of inviting his 2 aunts and cousins on his mothers side, but they have refused to come because we didn't extend an invite to his mother. And according to them it would be like keeping a secret!
I feel as though there should be something I should be doing?  But I also have to go about it tactfully because I am not willing to ruin my relationship with my FH.  I am quite positive that she knows at this point that we are getting married.  my FH's decription of his mom & her sisters is they live on the same brain.  He is her only child... It's hard for me to sit back & let it be!

Like I said this is the short version.   But I was just wanting to hear others opinions on all of this.  There has been few attempts made by my FH's mother to mend all of this.  Is this beyond fixing?  I come from divorced parents, but my situation I was very young and have attempted to mend things with my father.  With very little luck!
My mother did the opposite of FH's mother.  My mom encouraged us to have a relationship with my father. 

Thanks for your input and help!  More in the begining with all of this, I would tell my FH how important it was to maintain a realtionship with his Mother's side of the family.  But it has slowly faded because I feel like I'm wasting my breath!

PLEASE HELP!

Re: FMIL doesn't know we are getting married.

  • edited December 2011
    You really don't think she doesn't know by now?  I guarantee she does.  And you probably have a sh!tstorm headed your way.

    And honestly?  This is probably only going to further worsen her opinion of you.
  • edited December 2011
    Oh I'm fairly sure she knows because of her sisters.  But I can also tell you that I didn't cause problems between my FH and his Mother.  Quite the opposite, I tried to have a relationship with her.  Before she said horrible things about me, my FH stood up for me and wasn't going to take her bad mouthing me.

    I'm just curious as to whether I should take it apon myself and contact her?  But I also don't want to betray my FH!
  • AutumnFairAutumnFair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've seen this situation before where the groom did not want his mother along with pretty much the rest of his family at the wedding, to sum it up, there was drama but when came to the wedding, his mom wasn't there and they had a great time. The best thing to do is to stay out of it. It's frustrating because you wish you could do something but you can't. It is his family, he has to deal with it (as he has been doing). The only thing that can do is comfort and support your FI (as you have been doing). He may or may not show it, but he probably really appreciates you sticking by his side, giving reassurance and love. 

    As for the few aunts, uncles, that were invited but threatening not going unless his mom is invited. You have to stick your guns, it is there choice not to come but you can't let them put an ultimatum on you. If they come, great, if not, you pretty much knew that this was going to happen when it came to not inviting his mom (as well as many other family members). 

    If she is trying to contact him to mend things, its up to him if he wants to mend or if he's done with her. I don't know what your FI situation is when it came to what his mom did to him but it must be pretty bad if he doesn't want her at the wedding. I'm sure its a very difficult choice, but its one that he and only he can make. 

    Lastly, I'm sure his mom knows by now that you are getting married (if you invited some family on his mom's side, I'm sure it has went through the grapevine by now to her). GL to you and your FI. 
  • lalap69lalap69 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    No, don't take it upon yourself.  He's made how he feels quite clear and going behind his back WOULD be a betrayal.  If you feel like you should be doing something, talk to your FI.  Ask him if he wants to reconsider inviting her, if he might not regret it in 10 years time since she is still his mother.  But if he doesn't change his mind, no you shouldn't be going interfering in his relationship.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thank you AutumnFair,

    That is exactly what I needed to hear.  Getting an outside prospective really helps!
    I've gone this long with letting it be my FI's responsibility, If he thinks things should be mended then I will leave it in his hands.  I will Love and support him no matter what & he knows that! 

    Again thank you so much!

    lalap69,  thank you for your help as well!
  • Kristin789Kristin789 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    >>I feel as though there should be something I should be doing?

    Um...  no.  FI's mother is HIS business.  FI's family is HIS business.  The other posters are right - it's FI's decision.
  • tommyandytommyandy member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ask him if he thinks he will regret not having her there.  If he says no regrets, drop it.  Not everyone is lucky enough to have a good mother.  If he says maybe or yes, send her an invite.  Ask him to think about it for a day or 2 before he answers you.  
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