Wedding Party

Advice for Including or Not Including a BM

My wedding party is already somewhat large. I have my sister, my two best friends from my home state of Maryland, my roommate for the past few years at college, and my two other best friends from college in Kentucky. That's 6 girls, but they have all been super important in my life to this point so I couldn't imagine one of them not being there.

Well, I had mentioned to another girl about a year ago about being my other BM, because we were really good friends at the time and pretty close. The thing is, a lot of stuff has happened and we aren't really as close anymore. She isn't quite the same person as she used to be. For one thing, she is always super depressed all the time, but whenever we try to snap her out of it she just doesn't want to do anything. She refuses to go on medication, which I think she might need to because I think her hormones are messed up, and for the most part being around her just kind of brings me down since she is in a bad mood most of the time. Also, to be bluntly honest, she used to be an innocent minded girl who would accidently make sexual-innuendos and we would all laugh. Ever since she slept with a guy for the first time she has become completely boy crazy and sex-minded. Whenever she does want to talk about stuff it's usually boys or sexual stuff. I mean, I know it's normal for most girls to talk and joke about that stuff sometimes, but that's literally the majority of what she thinks and talks about. And, the first two guys she ever slept with happened to be friends with my fiance. The first one we set her up with because we thought they would be good together. They sort of dated for a little bit but then he left the state for work and she had attached herself to him way too fast (super clingy) and was heartbroken when he left, even though no one had made any commitment. The same thing happened the second time except we hadn't tried to set her up that time. Well, since my fiance knew them she kept texting him about them all the time. Nowadays she will text him about how she needs to find a guy and she's so lonely and has no friends, and how we (her, me and him) need to hang out. BUT she doesn't text me hardly any of that stuff, and that bothers me. I am her friend, not him. He is sort of her friend, through me, but they aren't really friends if that makes sense. He already told her once a few months ago she needed to chill on the texting, and she did for a bit, but it seems to have started again. He usually ignores her when she texts him. I think she does it because he is like the only nice guy she knows, but he is MY guy, and I think that sometimes it's a little inappropriate and unnecessary... And it's not his and my job to find her a guy. That's her own job. She doesn't want to go out to meet guys or friends, so how does she expect to get any if she just lays around the house all day?

My wedding isn't for a little over a year and a half, so I haven't sent out anything official as far as inviting the girls to be my BMs. But the other 6 I know for sure will be. Since I already mentioned to the girl about being a BM, does that mean that I HAVE to keep her as one? I mean, I'm still friends with her and I definitely want her to be AT the wedding, I'm just not sure if I want her to be IN the wedding. Does that make any sense? Any suggestions on what I should do? I really don't want to hurt her feelings by not making her a BM since I mentioned it once about a year ago, but so much has changed since then...Any advice would be appreciated.

Re: Advice for Including or Not Including a BM

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-for-including-or-not-including-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f46f3b4b-42b5-45eb-a683-3788feed30a9Post:4ec44a77-0b50-4c9f-9510-a2131dc20502">Advice for Including or Not Including a BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding party is already somewhat large. I have my sister, my two best friends from my home state of Maryland, my roommate for the past few years at college, and my two other best friends from college in Kentucky. That's 6 girls, but they have all been super important in my life to this point so I couldn't imagine one of them not being there. Well, I had mentioned to another girl about a year ago about being my other BM, because we were really good friends at the time and pretty close. The thing is, a lot of stuff has happened and we aren't really as close anymore. She isn't quite the same person as she used to be. For one thing, she is always super depressed all the time, but whenever we try to snap her out of it she just doesn't want to do anything. She refuses to go on medication, which I think she might need to because I think her hormones are messed up, and for the most part being around her just kind of brings me down since she is in a bad mood most of the time. Also, to be bluntly honest, she used to be an innocent minded girl who would accidently make sexual-innuendos and we would all laugh. Ever since she slept with a guy for the first time she has become completely boy crazy and sex-minded. Whenever she does want to talk about stuff it's usually boys or sexual stuff. I mean, I know it's normal for most girls to talk and joke about that stuff sometimes, but that's literally the majority of what she thinks and talks about. And, the first two guys she ever slept with happened to be friends with my fiance. The first one we set her up with because we thought they would be good together. They sort of dated for a little bit but then he left the state for work and she had attached herself to him way too fast (super clingy) and was heartbroken when he left, even though no one had made any commitment. The same thing happened the second time except we hadn't tried to set her up that time. Well, since my fiance knew them she kept texting him about them all the time. Nowadays she will text him about how she needs to find a guy and she's so lonely and has no friends, and how we (her, me and him) need to hang out. BUT she doesn't text me hardly any of that stuff, and that bothers me. I<strong> am her friend</strong>, not him. He is sort of her friend, through me, but they aren't really friends if that makes sense. He already told her once a few months ago she needed to chill on the texting, and she did for a bit, but it seems to have started again. He usually ignores her when she texts him. I think she does it because he is like the only nice guy she knows, but he is MY guy, and I think that sometimes it's a little inappropriate and unnecessary... And it's not his and my job to find her a guy. That's her own job. She doesn't want to go out to meet guys or friends, so how does she expect to get any if she just lays around the house all day? My wedding isn't for a little over a year and a half, so I haven't sent out anything official as far as inviting the girls to be my BMs. But the other 6 I know for sure will be. Since I already mentioned to the girl about being a BM, does that mean that I HAVE to keep her as one? I mean<strong>, I'm still friends with her</strong> and I definitely want her to be AT the wedding, I'm just not sure if I want her to be IN the wedding. Does that make any sense? Any suggestions on what I should do? I really don't want to hurt her feelings by not making her a BM since I mentioned it once about a year ago, but so much has changed since then...Any advice would be appreciated.
    Posted by cmcole4509[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, see that bolded part?  The way you talk about her, you are not her friend.  Why don't you try taking your judgy pants off for a sec?  This girl sounds like she is struggling with something serious.  You need to talk to her like a person, not about your wedding, and try to understand what is wrong.  That would be what a friend would do.
  • I have though, that's the thing. I have tried and tried to get her to come out and tried to give her ideas to help her go meet new people, but she refuses to try anything I suggest. She says she doesn't want to leave town. She was born and raised and went to college in the same small city, and she won't travel outside of it. I tried to tell her there would be a lot of opportunities for things to to and people to meet if she would just leave the little town, but she won't,. And I'm not the only one who has told her these things. I have tried to talk to her about the guys thing, and not just me, but several of our other friends have told her that she needs to relax and not get so clingy when she meets a guy because she scares them off. She has said ok before but seems to still continue to do it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options because she won't listen to me... I keep asking her what's wrong, and her answer is usually that she is lonely. I try to talk to her and see her when I can, but she works and I work and our schedules usually conflict as far as getting together in person. I try to be there for her but I don't know what else to do when she won't listen to me OR any of our other friends that are trying to help her get out of her funk.
  • If she is struggling with something serious we have all tried to find out what it is and like I said she usually says it's just that she is lonely and has no one to hang out with since we all recently graduated college. But even before we graduated some of us would invite her out to do stuff and she would almost always say no, and it was a variety of things from movies to hanging out to dinner to horseback riding, which are all things that all of us enjoy. I don't know what to do when she won't try to accept the help that any of us have tried to give her.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-for-including-or-not-including-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f46f3b4b-42b5-45eb-a683-3788feed30a9Post:4ec44a77-0b50-4c9f-9510-a2131dc20502">Advice for Including or Not Including a BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding isn't for a little over a year and a half, so I haven't sent out anything official as far as inviting the girls to be my BMs. But the other 6 I know for sure will be. <strong>Since I already mentioned to the girl about being a BM, does that mean that I HAVE to keep her as one? I</strong> mean, I'm still friends with her and I definitely want her to be AT the wedding, I'm just not sure if I want her to be IN the wedding. Does that make any sense? Any suggestions on what I should do? I really don't want to hurt her feelings by not making her a BM since I mentioned it once about a year ago, but so much has changed since then...Any advice would be appreciated.
    Posted by cmcole4509[/QUOTE]

    This sounds like you already asked her, so yes.

  • edited August 2012
    Why don't you stop TELLING her things and start listening and asking questions.  Both of your posts indicate that she won't listen to you, because you're telling her things. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-for-including-or-not-including-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:f46f3b4b-42b5-45eb-a683-3788feed30a9Post:19efc9c3-859c-45af-ada7-e3a3818a3c83">Re: Advice for Including or Not Including a BM</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why don't you stop TELLING her things and start listening and asking questions.  Both of your posts indicate that she won't listen to you, because you're telling her things. 
    Posted by gurrlballa10[/QUOTE]



    I don't know how to explain what I am trying to say. I DO listen to her and i DO ask questions. But if she doesn't answer the questions to where i can help her, I don't know how to help her. Or if she asks for my advice on what to do in a situation and then chooses not to listen, that's fine if she doesn't want to take my advice. She can make her own decisions and im not going to try to force her to do anything. But when she comes back to me with the same problems and asks me for advice again, I don't know what else I can do to help her.
  • She may have some depression or other issues, it seems.  Have you ever suggested she see a counselor?

    To your other question, to me it depends on when you "mentioned" the BM thing.  Was it before you were actually engaged?  If so, I would think it wasn't an official request.  If it was after you got engaged, that seems more formal to me and I'd say, yes you need to keep her as a BM.

    image
    Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.
  • Take her out for coffee or shopping (even window shopping can be fun because of the ridiculous things in shops).  

    Just an hour here or there can be fun.  Be a friend and show her that you're there for her and not disappearing.  SHe's asking to spend time with you.  Show her you can do that.   
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