mom isn't ready for an empty nest...

Miss_Sophia · August 2010

My mom has always put her family first. She was always involved in PTA, dance recitials, my brothers' sports games, etc. She has always made the holidays fun and exciting. Well this morning she and dad took my youngest brother to college. She was falling apart!

It's not the distance (he's only an hour and a half away) it's really the fact that it's an end of an era for her. She cries, saying her kdis don't need her anymore and she doesn't feel as though she has a purpose. I tell her that's ridiculous and that we all need her.

I do know it's a double whammy for her though. I am getting married in October, my 21 year old brother is having some personal issues and my youngest bro is off starting his college education. So I can see where this is taking an emotional toll on our poor mother.

FI and I have just bought a house (we close Sept. 22nd, crazy yes) and my mom loves to update and fix. Which the house does need some paint and a little bathroom remodel (big HGTV fan here) so I know that I'll be able to help keep her mind on something else.

I have suggested an art class or have dad take her someplace fun for a weekend getaway (they aren't even 50 yet and are active healthy adults).

I realize I have rambled on for a bit.... I just need some advice on how to help her and make her feel better. I feel awful she feels so sad.

mysticl · August 2010

I'm a social worker...may I suggest that your parents consider becoming foster parents. Base on the snapshot here she sounds like a potential canidate to me.

Miss_Sophia · August 2010

That has actually been suggested to her before and she and my dad both briefly looked into it. But she worries that she would become so attached that when they took kids back she would be just as upset as if it were one of her own.

Kristin789 · August 2010

She's going through the normal, natural grieving process.
She had a job for a very long time, and now it's over, and she's sad.
I say good for her for being open with it.
So many moms cover this all up and develop health problems earlier than they should.
Just keep reassuring her that you DO need her and that there IS a place in your life and the lives of your brothers for her.

mysticl · August 2010

Just an FYI on the foster care thing. They could request to be parents to children who have the goal of adoption or permanent foster care. Kids that aren't going to be reunified with their biological parents. I worked with a girl who lived in the same home for 6 years, till she left for college. Even after she moved out she was always welcome to come home.

alyssalowe · August 2010

My biological father couldnt get myself or my brother from my mother and my step mothers kids were all grown up so they adopted three children that were siblings and having a hard time getting to be in one home because they needed seperate rooms and most people dont hve three spare rooms or the finacials needed. ANYWAYS. They were in my fathers home for 4-5 years when shockingly the mother cleaned up and got her act together enough to get them back.. after that my father moved to Florida and is acting like a child again (another story. lol)

If they dont want to try to adopt. Have they considered a pet? My mother and step-father got pugs after my brother bought a house and after I got engaged and moved out. They spoil and treat them like children.

desert*bride · August 2010

She has to find her own way on this - you can't fix it for her, and you shouldn't take on that responsibility. This is just part of her journey. She has to find a new purpose for her life [hobbies, volunteering, career, something]. Just don't get sucked into it all - and don't overcompensate by "giving her things to do." If you try to fill that void for her, she will never do the necessary work of figuring out what she actually wants to do.

mysticl · August 2010

Alyssa, that sounds really odd to me. If you dad and step-mom had adopted those kids they were theirs and the biological mother would have no legal rights to them and the only way she should have been abel to "get them back" was if they had reached the age of 18 and decided to go back to her.

Miss_Sophia · August 2010

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. They do have a dog; a labrador retreiver who is a sweetie but a pansy, haha! He does have some child-like qualities about him though.

I don't want to take on the responsibility and it may be because I am the oldest that I do feel some need to make it better. I do plan on adding my 2 cents here and there when appropriate but I do want her to find something that works for her.

MairePoppy · August 2010

Your mom just needs some time to adjust. I was sad for a few days as my kids left for college. I really missed them. I was also excited for them, and proud of them as they became more independent. The sadness wore off pretty quickly and I looked forward to hearing about their 'adventures'.

It's nice that you want to help your mom find some projects, but maybe it's better if she just experiences the sad part of the separation and then moves on to find her own interests.

trix1223 · August 2010

I have taken 3 kids away to college. I cried each time, because it is an enormous life change. You've lived with this person for 18 years, and now they're leaving. It's pretty hard. And when the last one goes....well that just adds a little more sadness.

But like Maire said: she has to get over this herself. And I have to be honest: it took me less than a week, and I was pretty excited about the new freedoms that we had.

And I've been through the epitome of kids having personal problems since January. Both of my DD's were in, literally, life threatening situations. So I can relate to your mom on that level too.

This is one of the reasons, though, that when new parents ask me for advice, I tell them to keep their relationship at the center of the family, and NOT make their lives revolve around their children.

Because then, when the kids are gone: you don't want to be looking across the living room at a stranger with whom you have nothing in common, anymore.

Give your mom time. She'll figure it out in her own time. We all do, some sooner than later. But it's very sweet of you to be a loving and concerned daughter. Your mom is a lucky woman.

Tara0685 · August 2010

actually mystcl I have heard of that happeneng before through my great aunt and uncle. That was over twenty years ago however, I didn't know they did it anymore though. They had also only had her leagally for about a year and a half, don't know if that makes some difference. I'm not sure where they were at the time but I believe it was MI if that makes some difference. Anywho, In their case they had adopted the child signed the papers and everything and she was theirs for that year and a half, all that had to happen to them was the mother decided she didn't want to give her up for adoption and the she was taken back.

Tara0685 · August 2010

I would like to add also, that even back then it was EXTREAMLY rare for something like that to happen or even be allowed, I'm just saying that I've heard of it happening before.

Tara0685 · August 2010

LOL sorry one more. I figure since I took up some of the post space for an unrelated topic I should probably add something pertaining to the topic at hand.

I understand how you feel miss_sophia. My mother was/is sad too that my sister and I have moved out on our own. It's like that for all mothers. I have a two kids, they're ony two and four and already I'm finding myself saddened when I think of the day several years from now when I'll have to let them go. Unfortuntely as some others have said, there really isn't much you can do. I'm affraid I don't have any wonderful advice for you at this point, I'm just starting to figure it all out for myself being that I'm only 25. If you don't mind I'd tell you what I would want from my children, if that's not too bold. All I can ask for is that they always remember that no matter how old they get, they'll always be my kids and I'll always be their mother and I will always love them, that they know that I will try (not matter how hard it is to break old habits) not meddle in their affairs but I'm only a phone call or doorstep away in the event they ever need me at anytime, and they don't forget to keep in touch. If I'm really lucky maybe someday I'll get to witness them being parents and I hope they know if they ever need advice in that areaI'll be there for that to should they like it

ccerrato15 · August 2010

Wow....Miss Sophia...my mom is going through the same thing! We just took both of my younger brothers down to Virginia to college, one is a senior one a freshman and I am getting married in Oct. It has been hard for all of us; their are so many good changes, but they are emotional. I keep telling my mom she needs to keep busy and get involved with something. FI and I are only moving 20 away too so I tell her I will be coming over for dinner all the time lol

It def is quite an adjustment for us all!

Miss_Sophia · August 2010

Thanks trix, my mom is the greatest and I just feel like I should be able to help but I know it's something she has to work through on her own. ccerrato15, I totally agree, a lot of emotions but they are good changes. I told my mom that FI and I would be over for dinner too!

mom isn't ready for an empty nest...

Re: mom isn't ready for an empty nest...

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