Waiting

perkins81 · March 2011

Waiting is hard, but worth it I know. Just wondering how the rest of you deal with the waiting period before being engaged. My BF and I have already discussed some wedding details, like possible timeframe for the wedding, the location, the WP, the colors, etc. We haven't done any "official" planning (like talk to vendors or anything like that) but we have discussed some things. I so badly want to just set a date and start planning, but I know I need to just enjoy the present moment and then do the planning once we're officially engaged - so what do you guys do to enjoy the waiting period and not get too involved in planning? (or are you already planning the details?

)

Elle1036 · March 2011

First, stop "discussing wedding details". I know it's fun and harmless, but when FI and I would talk about the wedding before we were engaged, it started to drive me nuts. We'd hit on an idea I was really excited about or something, and I would hate that I couldn't move forward on it. So yeah, stop talking about the wedding until you're engaged.

Another thing that helped me a lot was to ask myself "how will life be different once we're engaged?" Answer: I'll have a pretty ring to wear and a lot of planning to do... That's it. Nothing really changed in our day-to-day lives at all.

And when I started feeling an impatient hissy fit coming on, I vented to the girls here. That always helps.

desertsun · March 2011

Something that helped me was just reminding myself that the proposal was going to happen once. Just once. It's one of life's biggest moments, and once it's gone, it's gone. Looking at it that way made the anticipation a lot more enjoyable.

Also, hanging out here on NEY with other girls in the same position helped a lot.

It's okay to get impatient sometimes, but just remember that the engagement is such a happy and special time in your life. Don't spoil it for yourself by getting too far ahead of yourself. Just stop discussing wedding plans in any form until after you're engaged. Trust me, wedding planning WILL get old, and you want to save your excitment for when you really need it.

Hi and welcome!

NurseyK · March 2011

I'm in your boat. This past couple of weeks has been rough for me, but to get through it I find a reason to laugh with him every day. I refuse to plan any details. Even though his mom has said she wants to be involved, I am thwarting that offer until we're actually engaged and have set a date.

NurseyK · March 2011

@ Elle and @ Desert.

Noted. I'll refer to this post the next time I feel a temper tantrum starting.

peekaboo2011 · March 2011

FI contributed a lot to my frustrations, but he also did a lot to keep me grounded in our relationship at the present. He would find places and send them to me and say "What if we got married here?" And then two days later he would laugh it off. I could have strangled him some days.

But, I did the same thing as Elle and talked myself down. It helped me a lot to think about the finances involved. "We can't afford a ring because X,Y and Z, and that's going to make it 10000x more special when we can" But, money freaks me out, so it was quick to talk me down with that method.

Welcome! Keep your head on, it'll go much faster than you think!

[Deleted User] · March 2011

You should really enjoy the anticipation of waiting! Enjoy that it's going to be a complete surprise!

BF said he would like to propose before I move out there in July and it just freaked me out! I told him to wait so that it can be more of a mystery to me. I don't want to be given a deadline of when he will propose and have to anticipate it all the time! It takes the magic sparkles away.

heyimbren · March 2011

I have a mental list of all the things I'm happy with about my life right now. I think it's so important to learn to be content in the stage of life you're in presently. So even though somedays I would love to be engaged or married, I think of all the things I'd be missing out on.

[Deleted User] · March 2011

I'm not engaged yet and have been with my guy for over 4 years...so I can sympathize with your desire to get planning! You really should wait to make plans until you are actually engaged. That doesn't mean that you can't host things as a couple - other than a wedding reception!

For me, I really enjoy entertaining & planning. I don't have to be getting married to do any of the fun things wedding planning includes. Host a pre-Easter meal with friends, have girlfriends over for cupcake decorating one afternoon, get some couples together for a summer backyard BBQ. You can send out invites, make a cake, plan a menu, decorate your table....

We love hosting together. It is fun to do as a couple and will give you something to "plan" and pour your creativity into.

Ember01 · March 2011

I was horrible at waiting.

We went ring shopping February, 2010. I was okay with that and I never really thought much more about the proposal/wedding planning.

Fall comes around, and we start talking wedding talks again. He mentions he wants to get married in 2011. I flip out and tell him it's already October, if he thinks we're getting married in 2011, he better get his butt in gear and buy a ring.

November, we decide we want to get married in December, 2011. We go ring shopping and tell our parents our plan. They give their blessing and we decide we are engaged, without a ring. BUUUUT, FI didn't want to tell anyone because he didn't have the sweet proposal story. So, we keep it a secret.

In the meantime, we start looking at venues. We get home that evening, and I again flipped out because there was no point in planning a wedding if a) He hadn't bought a ring and b) we couldn't tell anyone. I was a blubbering, in a bad mood, not very nice GF that day. He told me he HAD bought the ring, he was just looking for the right time to give it to me.

November, December, and January = CONSTANT FIGHTING! Everytime we'd visit, I would expect him to propose. He wouldn't, and I would start a fight with him. I'm not good at waiting. He would have a proposal planned, and I would screw it up from being in a pouty mood because he hadn't proposed. I was really good at making little remarks about proposals, weddings, and rings that would cause FI to realize I was really frustrated with his lack of a propsal.

He finally proposed at the end of January, and our relationship is back to the way it was before November. We don't fight now

So, my suggestions (after this long post) is to try to put the idea of a ring out of your mind. And, don't anticipate that every date is going to be "the one". Towards the middle of January, I told myself that I was being a baby, and I should just enjoy my time with him and stop being a baby about the whole thing. The next visit, I was back to my normal self, and he proposed.

perkins81 · March 2011

Thx for the tips everybody! I especially like the idea of hosting events and using my creativity that way - I love hosting too! We don't talk about wedding plans too often, just every now and then something pops up and we briefly talk about it. Mostly it has to do with money and what we're willing to do without b/c we're not going to have much money for the wedding and my BF (being a man) is concerned that I won't be happy. I assure him that I will be perfectly content just to marry him, even if we have a super small wedding!!!

LincolnElizabethH · March 2011

I am an impulsive person. When I get an idea in my head I want it done then and there! My BF, on the other hand, likes to think things through. I saw the perfect e-ring and I've asked my BF a few times in the last 6 months when we are going to get engaged. All he tells me is to be patient (which frustrates me to no end!), but he's right. I've realized I need to just enjoy being with him and treasure every day together. The engagement and marriage will happen when they are meant to happen.

apedan · March 2011

I am in the same position you are in a way. Me and mine have been together for 2 1/2 years. He has to graduate from school first with his Bachelors in Business Management and then find a job. We have a plan but not a proposal yet because of the school and job thing. It is fun to sometimes talk about it but then we have to step back and just enjoy being together because thats what this step is all about.

We have known each other since our freshman year of highschool and although I continued to like him I dated other people, but then one night while talking at a event we were both attending it just kind of clicked

It sounds corny but we are "pre-engaged'' (yes promise ring and all. not a very big one though because he wanted to save for the real thing) and have been for a little over a year. I guess it is just our way of letting each other know it will happen when the time is right and that we are both young and right now it a time of getting to know each other. Also that we are it for each other.

The hosting parties is a really cool idea and we have even planned a cookout for some of our friends and their significant others so there are guys and gals alike instead of just my friends or just his.

Just hang in there and enjoy being with your BF

inkychick · March 2011

I'm waiting too and I hate it. I'm worried of what will happen when the proposal comes. How will I feel? Will I cry? Am I supposed to cry? I just feel like the moment will seem so unreal-like its not really happening! I just am worried how I'll react. As someone said on here, its supposed to be one of lifes biggest moments...sigh

CASK85 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_waiting-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:75dba652-f490-4c19-87cb-15474c8daa56Post:5961db50-ae9f-44ba-a515-7bb1d21a7354">Re: Waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm waiting too and I hate it. I'm worried of what will happen when the proposal comes. How will I feel? Will I cry? Am I supposed to cry? I just feel like the moment will seem so unreal-like its not really happening! I just am worried how I'll react. As someone said on here, its supposed to be one of lifes biggest moments...sigh
Posted by inkychick[/QUOTE]
I literally asked "is this real life" when FI proposed.

rachf · April 2011

Wow I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one! We had been dating 1 year when I started wondering if he was on the same page as me. We discussed wanting to get married several times before, but I never had any vibe that it was "near future". So he said he was looking at rings and had picked one out. Fast forward 9 months - still nothing, and he told me ok we will be engaged by December 2010. Ok, i told myself, I can wait, at least now I know it's coming. So November comes, December comes, New Years comes....Still nothing.
I was really hurt and upset. Now it is April, and we picked out and bought the ring, but he won't go pick it up!!! It's driving me crazy!!! I feel like he's not going to get it because he knows that's what i'm waiting and longing for. I want to wear my ring!! It hurts, and I think about it A-L-L the time. we've been dating 2 1/2 years now, and I'm ready to move forward. I am so patient on the outside, but I complain to my mom and sister, and I just swallow my frustration when I'm around him even though I want to drop more hints.

heyimbren · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_waiting-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:75dba652-f490-4c19-87cb-15474c8daa56Post:ae2feba8-8cb1-4aa6-b8c6-4ad1f05319e7">Re: Waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one! We had been dating 1 year when I started wondering if he was on the same page as me. We discussed wanting to get married several times before, but I never had any vibe that it was "near future". So he said he was looking at rings and had picked one out. Fast forward 9 months - still nothing, and he told me ok we will be engaged by December 2010. Ok, i told myself, I can wait, at least now I know it's coming. So November comes, December comes, New Years comes....Still nothing. I was really hurt and upset. Now it is April, and we picked out and bought the ring, but he won't go pick it up!!! It's driving me crazy!!! I feel like he's not going to get it because he knows that's what i'm waiting and longing for. I want to wear my ring!! It hurts, and I think about it A-L-L the time. we've been dating 2 1/2 years now, and I'm ready to move forward. I am so patient on the outside, but I complain to my mom and sister, and I just swallow my frustration when I'm around him even though I want to drop more hints.
Posted by rachf[/QUOTE]

Settle down. It's an exciting time in your life, but you shouldn't be so consumed over this. He'll do it on his own time, and you'll have plenty of time down the road to get all wrapped up in engagement and wedding bliss. I'd be annoyed if he set a time frame and then didn't follow through on it too, which is why I think it's better to relax and let him do it on his own.

deburnin · April 2011

I'm waiting too. I think now that I'm waiting with the ring in the safe I'm actually more relaxed about the situation than when I didn't know for sure that was the way things were heading. I went from being jealous when other people were getting engaged to thinking, yup that's happening sometime soon and it just made me happy and content to be with BF as things are now.

The holidays being over and not being pestered on a weekly basis as to when we're finally going to commit (as if we aren't already? Hello, we have a house!) definitely helped me not want to freak out about it.

I dunno. Just enjoy being together. You've talked wedding/marriage/timeline. Now the trick is to learn to see that as a future event instead of just a "waiting game."

desertsun · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_waiting-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:75dba652-f490-4c19-87cb-15474c8daa56Post:ae2feba8-8cb1-4aa6-b8c6-4ad1f05319e7">Re: Waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one! We had been dating 1 year when I started wondering if he was on the same page as me. We discussed wanting to get married several times before, but I never had any vibe that it was "near future". So he said he was looking at rings and had picked one out. Fast forward 9 months - still nothing, and he told me ok we will be engaged by December 2010. Ok, i told myself, I can wait, at least now I know it's coming. So November comes, December comes, New Years comes....Still nothing. I was really hurt and upset. Now it is April, and we picked out and bought the ring, but he won't go pick it up!!! It's driving me crazy!!! <strong> I feel like he's not going to get it because he knows that's what i'm waiting and longing for</strong>. I want to wear my ring!! It hurts, and I think about it A-L-L the time. we've been dating 2 1/2 years now, and I'm ready to move forward. I am so patient on the outside, but<strong> I complain to my mom and sister, and I just swallow my frustration when I'm around him</strong> even though I want to drop more hints.
Posted by rachf[/QUOTE]

Does this really sound healthy to you? Is this truly the kind of relationship you want to have with someone the rest of your life? Where you feel like the person who is supposed to love you most is denying you what you want? Where you feel like you can't discuss your true feelings with him, but you can with other people? How is that fair to him or to you?

In a healthy, mature, strong relationship, you should be able to have open and honest conversations about your feelings.

There are TWO people in your relationship. Your job is not to just sit quietly, waiting for him to pop the question.

TALK TO HIM.

"Honey, I'm feeling really confused. I thought we had talked about getting engaged by X time, and that hasn't happened. Can we please talk about that?"

rachf · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_waiting-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:75dba652-f490-4c19-87cb-15474c8daa56Post:9024c661-7357-437f-8f90-42f9a45da783">Re: Waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Waiting : Does this really sound healthy to you? Is this truly the kind of relationship you want to have with someone the rest of your life? Where you feel like the person who is supposed to love you most is denying you what you want? Where you feel like you can't discuss your true feelings with him, but you can with other people? How is that fair to him or to you? In a healthy, mature, strong relationship, you should be able to have open and honest conversations about your feelings. There are TWO people in your relationship. Your job is not to just sit quietly, waiting for him to pop the question. TALK TO HIM. "Honey, I'm feeling really confused. I thought we had talked about getting engaged by X time, and that hasn't happened. Can we please talk about that?"
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

I talked to him about it, but now that we bought the ring, I told him I was upset when he didn't go pick it up right away. He said he knows that's his job and he will do it. I want him to WANT to do it, and don't think I should pester him about it. I know he wants to surprise me. I am just ready to get moving but he is slower.
He does get irritated at me for asking questions; he is "old fashioned" and wants to surprise me. Men always prefer to do things on their own and hate when women nag them.

erintlyon · February 2012

I've been waiting for 6 years...(picture Jennifer Anniston's character in "He's Just Not that Into You") but bringing myself to do what she did (regardless if we end up together or not) is pretty hard and sad.

So if you think you've had to wait a long time, just think about all the other people that are approaching 5-10 years of waiting... and you might feel better

Waiting

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