• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
African American Weddings

Crazy FMIL (it's long, sorry!) x-post

Hello ladies - I know I can turn to you for some honest answers, I need to know if I should act on my gut feeling, or let this slide by.... (I'll try my hardest to keep it as short as posible!)

As I believe you know, my (now) FMIL has called me a crybaby (when my FI left for football for an indefinite period) and beyond that has always just been a little off. She's told us both that we're not in love, that it's only lust and that we are WAY too young to get married (we're 24/23, 25/24 on the wedding day).  I somewhat understand the age thing, but we've been together 3 years - we've grown and we know this is what WE want.  Well, last weekend (before Easter) she called me and we talked for about an hour about everything, WR things, school, jobs, family, etc. and she seemed pretty good.  Still telling me finances would be hard once we got married and things of that nature - but seemingly more willing to accept that we were going to get married.  Well, FI proposed on Friday - and she knew he was doing it that day (he told her Thursday night) and since the proposal she has gone CRAZY.  She told me 'whoop dee doo' when I told her I was so happy and excited about our engagement. (!!?!?!?! WHAT?!?!?) Which of course, threw me backwards - I know she can be a sarcastic woman, but in my head that just wreaks of bad manners and just something you shouldn't say to anyone with that news. (am I crazy to think that?)
She called FI Friday night and they talked for about an hour outside and she basically told him that I had come inbetween the two of them, that I was being deceitful, that he had changed, etc.  After their convo, she texted me and  said 'thanks for ruining me and my sons relationship' WHA!?!????!
We let her cool off Saturday and he called again Sunday.  She then continued in the same path, saying that I'm pushing them away from each other, that I pushed him into marrying me and threatened to cut him off her car insurance and their family cell plan (the only two bills she pays of his).  She has essentially attacked my character, and I feel completely attacked by these things she's saying about me.  FI doesn't actually believe her or anything (he's defended me, which upset her even more).
Sorry - so much back story, and there is even more really.  But, would you e-mail her with 'your side', 'your view' of the situation - defend yourself (in a calm manner) and say the things you need to say - or would you completely leave her alone?   I say e-mail because I know I would be calmer and be able to get everything out - instead of potentially getting screamed at like FI did. FI has told me not to worry about it - that he always thought she would go crazy when he didn't move back in with her and got engaged - but also told me he didn't care one way or the other if I did e-mail her.

Sooo.. what would you do? (sorry it got super long, but I look forward to what you have to say!)
"Diversity is the key to life, without it we would be a mindless drone of a single colored spectrum."

Re: Crazy FMIL (it's long, sorry!) x-post

  • edited December 2011
    From what I have read, her issues have nothing to do with you, very little to do with her son, and everything to do with her. Your email won't change anything and will only fuel the fire. She has decided you are (for now) the enemy and you can't change her mind on that so don't respond. If she loves her son as she seems to, she will calm down eventually and get it together if only because he loves you. Maybe you should limit your communication with her so as not to allow her bitterness to dampen your spirits, but don't worry about defending yourself. Your FI already handled that for you. Just my opinion, but I hope it helps.
    AAW June Siggy Challenge
    My Daddy and Me Image and video hosting by TinyPic Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • edited December 2011
    Dont email her back at all. she has issues over controling the two of you. If you email her back she will use it against you... Dont tell her anymore than she needs to know about the wedding. Basicly just send her an invitation. Kill her with kindness but dont let her sucker you into a trap. and good job on FI for standing up to you!
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with pp. Don't email your FMIL because that will just add fuel to the fire and she'll turn your words around and use them against you. It seems as though your FI has already defended you and that should suffice.
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • StephB1185StephB1185 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks! It does make sense that it would fuel her fire, I'm just so 'ugh' about her right now.. disgusted and upset.  But, it does sound like not e-mailing is the 'higher road' if you will. We'll ask her when things come up if she'd like to be included, and I will not worry about her more than that.
    "Diversity is the key to life, without it we would be a mindless drone of a single colored spectrum."
  • edited December 2011
    I agree...don't email her. The best revenge is to ignore her and kill her with kindness. Limit your conversations and etc with her. She's a jealous, bitter beotch who obviously needs a man or something...
  • mnm729mnm729 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    SmileSmileOh no.  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  You should be glowing and rediculously happy right now!  

    I agree with the other ladies. You should not contact her via email or otherwise right now.  This is her issue that she needs to work out.  It is not about you.  As the planning continues, include here where you can, continue to be respectly of her.  I am also very proud of your fiance for sticking up for you and talking to his Mom. 

    Stay positive and continue to surround yourself will supportive people that love you.  You'll be fine. 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • mnm729mnm729 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    sorry about the happy faces.  those weren't suppose to be there.  strange.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • StephB1185StephB1185 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    haha sd - as you mention that, I remember talking with a friend of mine who said the only way I'm gonna get her off my back is to find her her own man! She's never been married and still jokes that my FI's dad (her BF from 23 years ago) is still in love with her and will figure it out soon. So, yep - I thought about calling Michael Baisden and trying to find her a man! haha!!
    "Diversity is the key to life, without it we would be a mindless drone of a single colored spectrum."
  • edited December 2011
    I didn't read anyone elses answers, I am just going to give you my opinion of it all and I am sure the ladies have said pretty much what I am about to say. Sending her an email to "explain yourself or your side" is going to do what for the situation? This woman has issues of her own that she needs to deal with. She is forgetting that while yes, he is her son, HE IS NOT HER MAN! That is your man. Nothing that you have explained in this story would suggest any wedges being put between the two of them by you nor are you interfering in their relationship. If anything you are respecting it and have not gone off on her yet. Age is a state of mind. Who's to say you are too young to get married? Her? Well it isn't about her, it's about the two of you and if you two are comfortable and feel you are ready to take that step then no one else has any room to say anything else about it. This, for the time being, may be a no win situation. Right now you need to just focus on your life with your man and above all else, STOP SHARING YOUR FEELINGS AND BUSINESS WITH THIS WOMAN. It is apparent that she does not have your best interest at heart. Why divulge anything to her? Be cordial but at the same time, feed her out of a long handle spoon. For some reason she does not want you with her son and if she can make trouble she will. Please keep the lines of communication open but  also please do not go to your FI and say this and that about his mother. Just allow him to handle her and put her in her place when he sees the need but do not run to him about every little thing about her. I have seen that mess backfire you know what I mean. You have said to him how you feel. Allow him to handle his mother going forward. He loves you. And he will never allow you to get hurt by her.  I am sorry you are going through all of this. I pray it gets better. Keep your head up and stay strong.
    image Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • KooKoo4QuincyKooKoo4Quincy member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    IMO- I wouldn't email, txt or verbally explain anything. Your FI has done that for you and you should just say to hell with the situation and enjoy your planning. Mothers are always protective of their sons and there is no way around that fact. As far as asking her does she want to be involved....don't ask her that either! Girl this is you and FI day and you have tooooo much to do!!! His mother will always feel as if you "took her son away from her!" hell she'll either get over it because of the fact she loves her son unconditionally or she'll risk losing the bond that they have created by constantly disrespecting his FI / Wife...trust and believe if she is tripping like this, she'll jump on the band wagon pretty soon!  It's hard for mother's to let go especially when they were "in love" with the son's father. Sounds like he resembles his father and / or  his character resembles his father. Either way his mother isn't ready to "let go" of the memories. One thing for sure and two things for certain..if she miss his father that much hell she should get back with him SINCE in her words "He wants her back".
  • edited December 2011
    In addtion to all the advice above, I hope you consider what your future will be like going fwd. She's not likely to have a change of heart so you can reasonably expect a contentious relationship for the forseable future. Keep your eyes open and maintain clear bounaries or you'll be miserable because she'll constantly be trying to undermind you..
    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt166838.aspx[/img][/url]
  • edited December 2011
    Definitely do not email her back.  See I'm bad because I would ignore her and act like she didn't exist.  But I think the better thing to do is to just be nice and polite to her.  But whatever you do don't email her back and don't let her get to you where the two of you get in an arguement - because that is exactly what she is trying to do.
    My Planning Bio - updated 4/19/10
    Our Wedding Teasers
    image Wedding Countdown Ticker
    243 invited image 170 Said YES image 45 Can't party US image 28 Haven't heard from image Invitations sent out on 4/6/10 - Our RSVP date is 5/15/10 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • edited December 2011

    My fmil has issues like yours! I haven't been to my fmil  house in 2 months due to mil complaints and bipolar ways. This last time, I had to put my foot down and tell my fiance I can no longer be going over there every weekend and she continues to act crazy. She's depressed! The more you try, the more she will fight. Limit your contact and communication and never bad mouth his mom to him. He knows she's off her rocker and let him continue to see that.



    Get your Pregnancy Tickers

    Baby Gender Predictor


  • Stackeye210Stackeye210 member
    5000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    She has spent 24 years raising her son, it's hard for her to cut the cord. 

    Kill her with kindness and ignore the rest.  She's hurting.  I'm not saying she's right, but this is a huge change for her and she needs to realize her son isn't a baby anymore. 

    To be honest I wouldn't complain about her to FI either, I know it'll be hard but it seems like he fields the comments he hears from her just fine and sticks up for you - so limit the amount he has to hear when he's alone with you. 
  • OFFOFF
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'll just say ditto pp.  It's sad that instead of being happy that her son has found happiness (the happiness her bitter butt obviously never found) she has decided to take this as a challenge.  There's nothing you can do or say other than finding her a man and most men arent that desperate.  Smile your prettiest Disney Princess smile and keep moving.  
  • edited December 2011
    First of all, I can't stand when people say that someone "pushed" someone into marriage. Hello?!- self-respecting, mature human beings usually don't want to play boyfriend/girlfriend for thier entire lives.The more you ignore her and let your man play his role, it will benefit you. Regardlees of how much he loves and cares for you, he's not the person you want to vent to. Vent to us! "Cuz at the end of the day-that is his mother. GL.
    218806_0122 - Copy2011-10-239513.10.15 Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • edited December 2011

    Hi again... StephB1185

    This is Magnum 06, yet again.. and just as MrClintonsFirst indicated in her post, I have not read all of the posts... but I will say this... DO NOT E-MAIL, CALL OR ANSWER OR RESPOND TO ANYMORE OF THIS WOMAN'S CALLS OR TEXTS.... PERIOD... This woman will never see "your" side....That is HER son!!!  Simple as that...You don't have to convince, explain, or justify your actions... You say you are adults and should govern yourselves and respond as such... Don't get me wrong.. I'm NOT trying to jump on you or anything... I'm just saying...that if you and FI cannot handle this pettiness at this early stage of planning...You may consider evaluating that... I'm NOT saying this behavior shouldn't bother you... It should...It's foolishness... It is very concerning... however... It's not going to get any better in the short-run... So, pull it together and put your game-face on.... And while you two are getting it together... You might consider this...a man... that is old enough and responsible enough to take on a wife....should be paying his own bills.. regardless of what they are...So, ya'll might want to put a plan in place for his car insurance and cell-phone.... or whatever those responsibilities of HIS that his mother is paying... That's part of the reason you (you and FI) can't get no peace!!!  In addition to HER issues... Which she has a few...based upon your posts... Her son is NOT her man.. and she needs to realize that... but until she does... get ready... YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE OUTSIDER... YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE THREAT...whether in reality... or just her mind... So, you might want to take some time, to determine whether you are really ready for that... and this... This is not a "fight" you will win and you and FI will only exhaust yourselves trying... FI cannot defend you enough to her..no matter what he says... be it right or wrong... This situation is wayyyy bigger than just her ideas and points of view being skewed or you alls' love being strong enough to conquer all... Yes, we know you are in love, deeply... it's an illustration.... Be respectful of her when you are in her presence... NEVER speak ill of her to your FI... regardless of what she does... and continue to treat her with the utmost kindness and as much "love" and warmth as you can muster.....keep your wedding plans to yourselves as much as possible.. and KIM (KEEP IT MOVIN')  Do not co-sign on that foolishness.... JMO... I hope that helps you...

  • cincy2011cincy2011 member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with everything above - don't email her, leave it alone, don't bring it up to FI and figure out a way to pay all of his bills so she's not responsible for anything that should be his responsibility.  Good luck and try to let it roll off your back - I know it's hard, but dwelling on it won't help the situation.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • StephB1185StephB1185 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone! I do want to clear up that he is capable of paying those 2 bills on his own - but since he just finished school in December his mom was still helping him with those two things since it was all in one family type plan.  He had already been planning on starting to take over his car insurance and cell phone - whether finding a new plan or sending her the money each moth.  So, in that regard, the bills aren't a big issue - it was just another example of her mindset.
    Thanks to you ladies, and the NEY ladies, my mom, my FI, and FI's dad and grandmas - I've heard the same things - just let it roll off!  And I think I rolled it off easier than I thought I would - after writing this post - I was okay - like, I vented and I got it out.  I will not let her 'ruin' anything and I will treat her with as much compassion as I can muster anytime I with her.  I will welcome her with open arms IF she turns around.  Fi hasn't talked to her since Sunday which is the LONGEST time they've EVER gone without speaking, it's a little crazy.  But, I'm glad we're standing our ground.  The rest of his family is either saying 'we knew she'd be like this' or, "we're happy for you no matter what, don't let her take over".

    Thanks ladies! You're the best!
    "Diversity is the key to life, without it we would be a mindless drone of a single colored spectrum."
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards