Wedding Etiquette Forum

people invite others with no plus one.

We got a reply card today from my FI aunt and uncle. They replied yes and on the back of the reply card wanted to know if their 21 year old daughter could bring her boyfriend who was not invited. They live up north were down south. We didn't even know she had a boyfriend. Anyone have a good answer to this?

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Re: people invite others with no plus one.

  • The daughter's boyfriend should have been invited in the first place. It's rude to invite people without their significant other.  
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  • "I'm so sorry we didn't include him!  I didn't realize Cousin Suzie had a boyfriend- of course he's invited!  What's his name and would he prefer beef or fish?"
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:1ac072f1-7e5e-42f8-8cc8-7e6aa437c5d6">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]"I'm so sorry we didn't include him!  I didn't realize Cousin Suzie had a boyfriend- of course he's invited!  What's his name and would he prefer beef or fish?"
    Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

    This!
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  • Like I said we didn't realize she had a boyfriend.

    @myusername1...That's all I needed to hear. Thanks!
  • Muni is wise :).  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:4b3fdce3-f0c6-4732-bab5-be404c2e3e65">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]People on the knot take a hard line on plus ones.  Tradition was invite spouse or fiance, then extended to people living togethor (especially if single sex partner, if state does not allow marriage of same).  The Knot board takes it further than many etiquette books, which say, in effect, the old rule of "no ring, no bring."   I see nothing wrong with restricting invites to spouse or fiance or living togethor, as long as you are consistent.  I would explain to aunt/uncle that you are not extending invites to boyfriend/girlfriends.  People will ask you for invites up the kazoos, kids etc.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    OP, please do not listen to this incorrect and rude advice.  Who are we all to judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship?  By the theory this PP suggests, if a couple moved in together and got engaged within a month or knowing each other their relationship should be given more credance than a couple who have been together for ten years but have chosen not to get married or live together.  Not cool PP.
  • It doesn't matter how long they've been together or the nature of the relationship. If an invitee considers himself/herself to be in a relationship the SO gets invited. If you find out the person is truely single and is just wanting to bring a random date for the wedding, then it's your call if you want to extend the invitation for the date. It's really nice if you can but not absolutely necessary. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:4b3fdce3-f0c6-4732-bab5-be404c2e3e65">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]People on the knot take a hard line on plus ones.  Tradition was invite spouse or fiance, then extended to people living togethor (especially if single sex partner, if state does not allow marriage of same).  The Knot board takes it further than many etiquette books, which say, in effect, the old rule of "no ring, no bring."   I see nothing wrong with restricting invites to spouse or fiance or living togethor, as long as you are consistent.  I would explain to aunt/uncle that you are not extending invites to boyfriend/girlfriends.  People will ask you for invites up the kazoos, kids etc.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    STOP GIVING BAD ADVICE
  • In Response to Re:people invite others with no plus one.:[QUOTE]People on the knot take a hard line on plus ones.nbsp; Tradition was invite spouse or fiance, then extended to people living togethor especially if single sex partner, if state does not allow marriage of same.nbsp; The Knot board takes it further than many etiquette books, which say, in effect, the old rule of quot;no ring, no bring.quot;nbsp;nbsp; I see nothing wrong with restricting invites to spouse or fiance or living togethor, as long as you are consistent.nbsp; I would explain to aunt/uncle that you are not extending invites to boyfriend/girlfriends.nbsp; People will ask you for invites up the kazoos, kids etc. Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE] This is very bad advice. If the daughter was invited, invite her SO, as Mun1 said.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:c110a156-cca3-44d9-af30-f40d61bb6c03">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: people invite others with no plus one. : This is what Peggy Post says Now, a word on plus-ones: Today’s plus-one standard is to invite a guest’s spouse, fiancé/fiancée or live-in partner, or the person with <strong>whom the guest is in a long-term relationship</strong>. After these “must invites,” plus-ones are optional; they are in no way a requirement. Decisions about expanding a guest list to include guests of guests are often based on budget, space and numbers. When plus-ones are included, the courtesy should be extended to all single guests, not just a few. <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/29/fashion/weddings/wedding-q-and-a.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/29/fashion/weddings/wedding-q-and-a.html</a> Maybe you want to shout at her too?
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    But anyone could get into a serious relationship after a month of dating and consider themselves in it for the long term.  So this line can be interpreted many ways.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:c110a156-cca3-44d9-af30-f40d61bb6c03">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: people invite others with no plus one. : This is what Peggy Post says Now, a word on plus-ones: Today’s plus-one standard is to invite a guest’s spouse, fiancé/fiancée or live-in partner, or the person with whom the guest is in a long-term relationship. After these “must invites,” plus-ones are optional; they are in no way a requirement. Decisions about expanding a guest list to include guests of guests are often based on budget, space and numbers. When plus-ones are included, the courtesy should be extended to all single guests, not just a few. <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/29/fashion/weddings/wedding-q-and-a.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/29/fashion/weddings/wedding-q-and-a.html</a> Maybe you want to shout at her too?
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    I'd tell her not to be rude to her family and invite the effin boyfriend.  My H and I were serious after a month.  You're going to tell me that he wouldn't get to come to the wedding, because of a "no ring, no bring"?  I wouldn't be going to that wedding. 

    Oh, and you have been giving bad advice since you came to the board.  So pretty much that was a general statement.
  • rsannarsanna member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:c110a156-cca3-44d9-af30-f40d61bb6c03">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: people invite others with no plus one. : This is what Peggy Post says Now, a word on plus-ones: Today’s plus-one standard is to invite a guest’s spouse, fiancé/fiancée or live-in partner, or the person with whom the guest is in a long-term relationship. After these “must invites,” plus-ones are optional; they are in no way a requirement. Decisions about expanding a guest list to include guests of guests are often based on budget, space and numbers. When plus-ones are included, the courtesy should be extended to all single guests, not just a few. <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/29/fashion/weddings/wedding-q-and-a.html">http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/29/fashion/weddings/wedding-q-and-a.html</a> Maybe you want to shout at her too?
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Let's not forget that you refuse to even accept your own bad advice.

    ETA: Also Emily Post says you are wrong.  So there is that.

    <a href="http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/521-receptioninvitationcourtesies" rel="nofollow">http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/521-receptioninvitationcourtesies</a>
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  • I think you need to consider your budget. Is money an issue? Can you accomodate this extra person and are you willing to make this exception for other people if faced with the same scenario again?

    My fiance and I have our guest list done and unfortunately can not accomodate everyone with a plus one. Our single friends are allowed to bring dates, the majority of them are in the wedding party. And friends that are in relationships can bring their significant others as well.

    When it comes to family (speaking mostly of cousins and younger familiy members) if they are married or living together then they can bring their significant other.  It was still hard keeping the guest list at a certain number this way.
  • That cousin's boyfriend could be a future cousin-in-law.  If FI's parents asked for him to be invited, do the right thing (out of courtesy and for the sake of family harmony) and invite him.


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:ea6ce855-00fd-4622-9c82-380f5b35b5c5">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: people invite others with no plus one. : It might be serious, but it would not be long-term.  I don't see a mandate that every boyfriend/GF get an invite.   I do not see every BF/GF being serious, especially at 21. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    <div>So a nice Christian couple who has been dating for 4 months but is against  living together and is not ready for married should not get a SO invite.  </div><div>
    </div><div>But a couple who started dating 3 months ago and decides to move into together right away should.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>Okay, that makes a lot of sense.</div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:ea6ce855-00fd-4622-9c82-380f5b35b5c5">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: people invite others with no plus one. : It might be serious, but it would not be long-term.  I don't see a mandate that every boyfriend/GF get an invite.   I do not see every BF/GF being serious, especially at 21. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah, because no one marries their HS or college sweetheart.</div><div>
    </div><div>::rolls eyes::</div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Again Emily Post disagrees: http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/521-receptioninvitationcourtesies

    A boyfriend or girlfriend is, by default, a significant other.  What people are trying to tell you is that you have no right to judge the seriousness of someone's relationship.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:c704ced6-6c87-418b-a827-6fd4802edad0">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here is what Bridal Guide says - Do We Have to Invite Everyone With a Guest? Q: My fiancé and his family think we should invite everyone to the wedding with a guest. What's the rule? A: You needn't invite every single person to your wedding with a guest. In fact, most couples today don't unless they have an unlimited budget. You should, however, include partners of the following people: Everyone who is married (even if you don't know their spouse) Couples who are engaged Couples who are living together Guests who have had a steady significant other for so long that it would seem awkward not to include their partners. <strong>The last instance is a judgment call, but in most cases your gut will tell you what to do</strong>. ------------------------------------------------------ Please, let me know anywhere it says that EVERY BF or GF must be invited.  It is telling that the request was not for a fiance or partner or SO, but a BF.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>My gut says if mom and dad think they are a couple and they are traveling from OOT, then they are a social unit and he should be invited.</div><div>
    </div><div>Not many people want to bring a flavor of the month to an OOT FAMILY wedding.  I know in my family  a date to a family wedding comes with a lot of questions.

    </div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:03a87218-25ba-4a58-9dce-2622c54f2574">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to people invite others with no plus one. : I would talk to fiance and/or his mom, and say we were only inviting spouses, fiancees and SOs (assuming that to be the case) --  and see if FMIL knows any more. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    <div>You give horrible advice.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:03a87218-25ba-4a58-9dce-2622c54f2574">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to people invite others with no plus one. : I would talk to fiance and/or his mom, and say we were only inviting spouses, fiancees and SOs (assuming that to be the case) --  and see if FMIL knows any more. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    But a boyfriend is a significant other.  What don't you understand about that?  If the aunt thinks the guy is important enough to ask if he can come, then obviously he is important enough.  JFC.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:ea6ce855-00fd-4622-9c82-380f5b35b5c5">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: people invite others with no plus one. : It might be serious, but it would not be long-term.  I don't see a mandate that every boyfriend/GF get an invite.   I do not see every BF/GF being serious, especially at 21. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    <div>Whoops. Should have told my husband no when he proposed to be at 20 because we weren't serious. Yep, I was a youngin but we waited almost two years after that to get married.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:f41f1a98-ff5c-4814-b518-7a86cdcac582">Re:people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:people invite others with no plus one. : The aunt/uncle identified the person as BF, not SO. 
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    <div>Well yeah, most people outside the wedding world don't go around introducing their boyfriend or girlfriend as their significant other.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:60cffeca-604c-4b2f-a3ec-75795542dbae">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: people invite others with no plus one. : Well, if you were engaged, that solves the issue.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    <div>I was responding to your comment about the fact that most relationships at that age aren't serious.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:af652b4c-de6c-45af-9beb-86465e93472d">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: people invite others with no plus one. : He wasnt important enough to be called a SO, or intended.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    You're not even a fun troll.  You're just dense.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:e1731cfc-a87f-4333-93d6-ce1d30dd0777">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: people invite others with no plus one. : <strong>But a boyfriend is a significant other - ???</strong>  I think some are, some aren't
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    I - I don't even know what you are saying here.  Boyfriend = significant other.  Girlfriend = significant other.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:e47e148a-4f88-40f2-a25b-40752cf3bf20">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: people invite others with no plus one. : I never said no one married their hs or college sweeheart -- but given the age, I think it is less likely that this is a serious long-term relationship.   I see nothing in the OP that indicates this is anything more than BF.   Only on the Knot, does it seem that  anyone advocates mandatory invites for BF/GF.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    <div>I met my FI when I was 19 (freshman year of college). We started dating a month after we met. I knew by the next year that he was the one but life got in the way and so over ten years later we are finally getting married. Are you trying to tell me that just because I was only 20 when we realized that someday we wanted to get married, it still wasn't "serious"? If the person considers themselves to be in <strong>a</strong> relationship then that BF/GF/Partner is their SO.</div>
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  • I still think it's insulting to tell a couple who do not believe in living together their relationship is not worthy of a +1, but someone who does believe in living together their relationship is more serious and gets a +1.

    Living together =/= more serious.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • NYU is being intentionally dense.

    Boyfriends and girlfriends are significant others.  If they were casually dating, the aunt/uncle probably would have called him a date or friend, not daughter's BF.
  • Let's not forget just because the OP didn't know the cousin had a BF, doesn't mean they have not been together for a while.   I didn't send out notices to all my family when I started dating DH.  I don't think my mom started a phone chain either.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-invite-others-with-no-plus-one?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a14651a6-a2b1-4274-ac26-de02143e5e38Post:535e2818-19bf-402d-b3fb-87070d1875f9">Re: people invite others with no plus one.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: people invite others with no plus one. : People could draw the line at spouse, fiance, living togethor or long term relationship.  Nothing about serious.  If you hadnt been togethor that long, they could exclude you.  They would not be making statement re the "seriousness" of your relationship.  When bride or groom get request for a plus-one where they (or parents, etc)  didnt know of relationship, either bride/groom not that close or relationship not that long term.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    But it is a statement.  How do you not see that your actions make a statement whether you intend it to or not? 

    FMIL decided that I wasn't invited on their family vacation this year.  She did not mean it that way, but it was a statement about and against me.  FI is not going because of that.

    If you aren't close enough to someone to know they are in a relationship, maybe they shouldn't be invited?  Since your guest list is so closed off and private and intimate. If the relationship is new, is still a matter of you judging how valid their relationship is and honestly devaluing your friends/family because someone who is THAT important to them should be important to you because they are important to you.
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