Problem with choosing a certain friend to be a bridesmaid. Help!

StephanieD917 · August 2012

Hi! I just need some opinions and advice on how to handle a certain situation. Long story short, I am going to have 4 bridesmaids for my wedding next May, and my fiancee does not like someone who I want to ask to be a maid. I have known this girl since high school and we have had our ups and downs, but I still value our friendship. She is also a hairstylst and I wanted her to do my hair. The problem is, she is very good friends with my ex boyfriend's new girlfriend who has been giving me problems for the past 2 years, and she was also recently married and I was not invited to her wedding because she had a small intimate affair. She has asked me 3 times since I have been engaged to be my maid of honor and invited herself to my wedding because she assumed that she would be doing my hair. My fiancee thinks she is a manipulative and a horrible friend and that I should choose someone else. I have about 9 months left and I want to start planning now so I dont stress later on. Any help and feedback is appriciated!!

Viczaesar · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_problem-with-choosing-a-certain-friend-to-be-a-bridesmaid-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6c966a2e-67e8-433e-a514-430c972834d8Post:1be10c1d-d71e-4ee0-9ff7-cd2da460835f">Problem with choosing a certain friend to be a bridesmaid. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi! I just need some opinions and advice on how to handle a certain situation. Long story short, I am going to have 4 bridesmaids for my wedding next May, and my fiancee does not like someone who I want to ask to be a maid. I have known this girl since high school and we have had our ups and downs, but I still value our friendship. She is also a hairstylst and I wanted her to do my hair. The problem is, she is very good friends with my ex boyfriend's new girlfriend who has been giving me problems for the past 2 years, and she was also recently married and I was not invited to her wedding because she had a small intimate affair. She has asked me 3 times since I have been engaged to be my maid of honor and invited herself to my wedding because she assumed that she would be doing my hair. My fiancee thinks she is a manipulative and a horrible friend and that I should choose someone else. I have about 9 months left and I want to start planning now so I dont stress later on. Any help and feedback is appriciated!!
Posted by StephanieD917[/QUOTE]
Well, do YOU want her to be a bridesmaid or MOH? Wanting her to do your hair is not a good reason to pick someone, but them being someone you can't imagine getting married without is. You pick your side, your FI picks his.

StephanieD917 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_problem-with-choosing-a-certain-friend-to-be-a-bridesmaid-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:6c966a2e-67e8-433e-a514-430c972834d8Post:21fa33c2-b0ba-42ad-8bc4-4c12f5f1622c">Re: Problem with choosing a certain friend to be a bridesmaid. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Problem with choosing a certain friend to be a bridesmaid. Help! : Well, do YOU want her to be a bridesmaid or MOH? Wanting her to do your hair is not a good reason to pick someone, but them being someone you can't imagine getting married without is. You pick your side, your FI picks his.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

I still have to think about it, but I think I do want her, but definately not MOH. She would do my hair regardless, and that is not my reason to include her...I guess I just need to do more thinking and to make the FI happy, pick other people.

aerinpegadrak · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_problem-with-choosing-a-certain-friend-to-be-a-bridesmaid-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6c966a2e-67e8-433e-a514-430c972834d8Post:4b83b10f-876d-4aad-a185-98eb64fba718">Re: Problem with choosing a certain friend to be a bridesmaid. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Problem with choosing a certain friend to be a bridesmaid. Help! : I still have to think about it, but I think I do want her, but definately not MOH. She would do my hair regardless, and that is not my reason to include her...I guess I just need to do more thinking and <strong>to make the FI happy, pick other people.</strong>
Posted by StephanieD917[/QUOTE]
I'd be more concerned about why your FI dislikes her so. Is she really a bad, manipulative person and you're not willing to see it? Or is your FI the one being manipulative and trying to distance you from others? I think it's highly unlikely that the answer to both of those questions is no; one or both of these people is a toxic influence, and only you can do the soul-searching to figure out which one. Personally, I find the bolded statement worrying.

calliopeia2013 · August 2012

I always disagree with the "You pick your side, he picks his" mantra on this site. I mean, it's true to an extent, but it's more complicated than that. If your FI really doesn't get along with this person, I do think it's important to seriously consider why you want this person in your wedding, and if those reasons are worth making your FI feel unhappy or uncomfortable on his wedding day. Wedding planning is as much about compromise as the rest of being married is.

I do take into account aerin's comment above about him being potentially manipulative. If him trying to distance you from friends and family is a pattern, if there's more than maybe one or two of your friends he really doesn't like the way he doesn't like this friend, then disregard this and consider counseling.

Wrkn925 · August 2012

Just to clarify, you have not asked her to be in the bridal party yet, correct?

How strongly does he feel about this? Does he see something you don't?

I do wonder what problems ex's new gf is giving you, and why this friend would choose to be friends with someone who causes drama. I am making an assumption here, but drama usually attracts drama.

StephanieD917 · August 2012

He just doesnt like her because she invited herself to the wedding, and constantly texts me to ask if she can be MOH. She got married in June and I wasnt invited so my FI doesnt understand why she wants to be a part of my wedding. I also what to consider his feelings too and make sure he has a wonderful day just like I plan on doing. I might consider counseling on my own because I really dont know what and how to deal with this person. I guess I want to see the good in all people so I might be one of those who dont want to see the bad...but thanks for the advice!

aerinpegadrak · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_problem-with-choosing-a-certain-friend-to-be-a-bridesmaid-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6c966a2e-67e8-433e-a514-430c972834d8Post:49991184-a2fa-408e-a92c-ea7bd2982aa5">Re: Problem with choosing a certain friend to be a bridesmaid. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]He just doesnt like her because she invited herself to the wedding, and constantly texts me to ask if she can be MOH. She got married in June and I wasnt invited so my FI doesnt understand why she wants to be a part of my wedding. I also what to consider his feelings too and make sure he has a wonderful day just like I plan on doing. I might consider counseling on my own because I really dont know what and how to deal with this person. I guess I want to see the good in all people so I might be one of those who dont want to see the bad...but thanks for the advice!
Posted by StephanieD917[/QUOTE]
That just sounds minorly annoying. Generally one partner only has veto power over the other partner's attendants if they've committed some sort of crime against them or tried to break them up or something. Your FI needs to get over it and butt out, and leave the decision to you. If the presence of one single guest messes with his day, then he has his priorities messed up and is being a bad host besides.

SJM7538 · August 2012

I'm confused as to why she would think you to are close enough that she would be your MOH but not close enough to the point where you weren't even invited to her wedding.

In my opinion if you can't make this decision on your own then she probably should not be in the wedding party. Not trying to sound snippy, but I don't think you should have to ask strangers who should/shouldn't be in your WP.

My fiance is not the biggest fan of one of my best friends who is bridesmaid but he knows how important she is to me so he understands why I want her up there with me.

Gen16 · August 2012

I have a friend of mine doing my hair, and my party's hair. We were close in middle and high school, but have since drifted apart a bit. And even though I was a bm for her, I didn't want her as one for me. As for your fiancee's feeligs, my fiancee's bm I can't stand, he has jaded morals he cheated on his wife. But he's still the bm. His choice, not mine. And no, my fiancee is not as jaded as that fool. So if YOU want her to stand, tell your fiancee to kiss it. Its YOUR party, not his.

Problem with choosing a certain friend to be a bridesmaid. Help!

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