North Carolina

Shower Question

My MOH asked me to get a list together for the shower invites for her. Half of our GL is in NY (that's where FI is from) so obviously they would not attend the shower, but my FMIL thinks I should still send them an invite so 1. His aunts and cousins won't feel left out and 2. So they will know where we are registered for gift purposes.

I don't really know though, I don't want to ask my MOH to buy all those invitations, because that's alot, especially with postage, if we know they won't be attending anyway. And, I feel like sending them an invitation to our shower, when I know they aren't coming, is just like a rude way of me saying buy us a gift here... and I don't want to do that. I don't want them to think that FI or I expect a gift, because we don't.

Our wedding website will be listed on one of the enclosure cards on our invites, and our wedding website has a page with all of our registry information, so I would think they could find it that way, or if they really wanted to know, they would ask FMIL or FI or me.

My MOH says she will do whatever I'd like for her to do, but I'm still not sure... and I don't want her to spend a fortune on my shower, I know there are others helping her, but I know her, and she will go all out and spend a fortune on it to make it a nice day for me.

What do you ladies think? How did you decide who got a shower invite and who didn't?
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Re: Shower Question

  • Beth0882Beth0882 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Good question, and I have no answers for you because I would like to know the same thing :) 
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  • edited December 2011
    if your FMIL is the one that wants them to have an invite then let her spend the money to send them out.


  • edited December 2011
    Amanda, that was my first thought as well... but FMIL is in NY too... she's not helping with the shower.
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  • janice1980janice1980 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    that's a tough questions.  How many extra invites are we talking about?  If it's not a huge amount, I would say to just go ahead and send them an invite to avoid any stress or arguments.  But I understand, if it is going to cost a lot of money, I wouldn't want my MOH paying a lot of money on invites knowing they weren't coming. 

    Good luck!
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  • edited December 2011
    It would be 23 extra invitations... so it seems like alot to me. :-/
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  • meredithl618meredithl618 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am of the belief that OOT guests should not be invited to a shower.  There are plenty of other ways of informing guests where you're registered without sending an invite that looks like a request for gifts.

    If you FMIL wants her family and NY people to be invited to a shower, someone in NY should throw you a shower there.  There is no reason for them to be on the guestlist for a NC shower.  Now, if you know of one or two people who actually may make the trip down or something, I think that's a different story, you could send them an invite. Otherwise, it's easier and more polite, IMO, not to invite people to showers except those living nearby.  
  • edited December 2011
    I would send them out if you were requested to. 

    You are entereing into a new family, and you don't want to burn bridges from the start.

    You could tell your FMIL the delimia about the cost and she might be willing to help with the 12-30 dollar you will need to cover the extra invite.

    I know alot of people want to feel included even if they can't attend, atleast they won't feel like you are trying to exclude them...family rifts can start that way.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:115Discussion:c9045f41-7fcc-4cfd-a545-925140ce46bbPost:1c1ba0a5-6408-4693-a385-258741cf223f">Re: Shower Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Amanda, that was my first thought as well... but FMIL is in NY too... she's not helping with the shower.
    Posted by FutureMrsFraser[/QUOTE]

    If she isn't helping than she doesn't get a say so....you just have to put your foot down. if she was hosting then i would say there isn't no harm in sending them but since she isn't hosting then i wouldn't feel comfortable sending them either.
  • NcsuPsychNcsuPsych member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    my MOH sent an invite to all Moms, Grandmothers, aunts and cousins as well as local friends.

    Both my mom and MIL suggested this so that no one would feel left out even though my extended family is in GA and all of DH family is up north (scattered about).

    No one had any issues with it and I didn't get any bad feedback from her for sending them out.  I think just do what you feel best. If you're uncomfortable with inviting OOT, maybe talk with FMIL and express any concerns you have??
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  • edited December 2011
    Meredith, I kinda feel the same way as you... but there is no way that I would go to NY for a shower. It's not in our budget to fly up and it's a 12 hour drive.

    But then again, I kind of agree with Beka... but I don't know some of his family well enough to know if they would be offended and see it as a request for gifts...

    Blah... decisions decisions... maybe I'll call my sister who tends to play etiquette police when it comes to my wedding and see what she thinks. lol.
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  • edited December 2011
    I have no opinion! Such a tough situation.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_north-carolina_shower-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:115Discussion:c9045f41-7fcc-4cfd-a545-925140ce46bbPost:86d7ad2c-e3e7-496b-a7ca-1e1bcfcf6d9c">Re: Shower Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would send them out if you were requested to.  You are entereing into a new family, and you don't want to burn bridges from the start. You could tell your FMIL the delimia about the cost and she might be willing to help with the 12-30 dollar you will need to cover the extra invite. I know alot of people want to feel included even if they can't attend, atleast they won't feel like you are trying to exclude them...family rifts can start that way.
    Posted by monretta[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>This is how I feel as well.  Perhaps not even include the registry info in their invites.  I actually didn't even know people included that info in shower invites to be honest.</div><div>
    </div><div>To put it into perspective, I was recently invited to a friend's shower even though I'm in Japan and she's in Georgia.  Obviously there was no way I could make it to the shower, but I was happy she thought of me enough to send me an invite anyway.  It was kind of like, "I know you can't make it but I wish you could!" in my mind :)

    </div>
  • ecuchikaecuchika member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    there was a big debate over this on an international board.  IMO it came to a very tense draw.  Basically some families see it as offiense if you dont invite (ike their not good enough to be invited) and some see it as rude if you do (like the request for gift thing) I think it depends on the family so the best person to talk to is FMIL tell her your concerns and the money situation with MOH.  Maybe you could send her one so she has a 'keepsake' of her sons wedding.
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