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Advice wanted (long, sorry)

smsimpsonsmsimpson member
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in Moms and Maids
So I am the Maid of Honor in my friends wedding this fall.  She has recently told me that I have to be at the gift opening the day after the wedding and that I have to spend the night with her and all the bridesmais the night before the wedding (I actually haven't heard of either of these, although I found out that the gift opening is quite common).

Anyway, my question is, how do I tell her nicely that I won't be at either of them?  And how do I bring it up to her?  My reasons for not attending them are as follows:

The gift opening: The wedding is about a 2 hour drive from where we live and the gift opening would take place the day after the wedding at around noon (and I imagine it will be 2 hours or so since she is planning on serving lunch with it).  I don't really see the need in me being there to watch her and her husband opening their gifts and we prefer to get home earlier rather than later because we have stuff to do at home.

The "sleepover" night before the wedding:  My husband and I are already taking Friday off from work so I can be there to help her set up for the wedding and be there for the rehersal and rehersal dinner.  Since my husband is not in wedding party, he will be left by himself most of Friday and most of the wedding day.  Since the wedding isn't in the city we live in we are getting a hotel room for two nights.  I would rather spend the night with my husband since I am leaving him alone basically all weekend.  Also I feel like I have to pay for a hotel that I am not allowed to stay in.  She didn't ask me if I wanted to spend the night before the wedding with her and just said that it was what we are doing.  When I told her that I would rather stay in the hotel with my husband, she said "well if you do that then all the other bridesmaids will want to stay with their boyfriends" and that she didn't want to be left alone the night before the wedding.  So I don't know if that was her saying "No, you can't stay with your husband, you have to be there with me" or if she was just her voicing her reasoning and concerns. 

I don't want to hurt her feelings or have her upset with me, but I feel like she is expecting just a little too much.  I believe that the only duties the MOH have is to buy the dress, show up for the wedding and most importantly be a supportive friend.  I have done all of this as well as going dress shopping with her, shopping for ties for the guys, helped her with her invitations, I am throwing her a bridal shower, I will be at the rehersal and rehersal dinner and I am helping her set up and get ready the day of the wedding.  I will also probably help her clean up after the wedding and take care of anything she needs the day of the wedding. 

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks
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Re: Advice wanted (long, sorry)

  • gottadance64gottadance64 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Totally get what you're saying - and I think you are totally right to feel this is too much. I'd just tell her in a gentle, loving and honest way, that you've been so happy to be her MOH, you've enjoyed the shopping and the other things, but that it would just be too much for you. If you are such close friends, certainly she should understand. I think it's way over the top.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm surprised your husband would be willing to go to this wedding, since it sounds like your friend is being pretty rude to him and the bm's boyfriends.

    Your friend needs a reality check. The bride can't make it mandatory that you and the bms sleep over the night before her wedding. It's very inconsiderate of her to expect all of you to leave your husbands and boyfriends alone for the better part of the day and over night. Since you have been kind enough to volunteer to decorate and clean up (not your jobs), your husband should have the option of joining in on that. All of the significant others should be invited to the RD, whether or not they help out. It's just common courtesy.

    You are going to have to be very firm with your friend. Don't offer detailed explanations because she will only try to argue against them. Tell her you will be sleeping with your husband in the lovely hotel room you are renting.  And you will be leaving the morning after the wedding because you have plans for the afternoon. It is not rude to decline these invitations.
                       
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  • smsimpsonsmsimpson member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Thanks ladies.

    I should clarify that my husband and the boyfriends of the bridesmaids are invited to the RD and if my husband wants to help set up he is more than welcome to do so, but knowing him he would rather not.  It's not really his thing to plan and decorate and I wouldn't make him do it if he didn't want to. 

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  • kgorman307kgorman307 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If my FI were told he is "welcome to come help set up" he'd ask how much they were planning to pay him (I'm not being snarky, that's really what he would say).

    I think it is more than generous that you are both taking a full day off work so you can get there early and help her decorate. You need to say no to the night before and the day after if you don't want to be there. I could understand getting some girls together the night before IF they were single, but asking you to leave your FI at the hotel room by himself, after he is already being so wonderful about traveling for this extended weekend and spending most of it without you is way too much.

    I have NEVER heard of this "opening gifts the next day" thing. Does she also want you to sit there with a pad and paper to log all the gifts, as if it's a shower? Since the vast majority will likely be cards, I think that's actually rude to make you sit through that. Given your travel, I think you're completely justified saying no to that!

    Just tell her: "you know that I love you and am so excited about your wedding weekend, but with leaving FI alone all day Friday and most of Saturday, I cannot leave him alone in the hotel room we reserved together Friday night. Also, we're going to have to leave early on Sunday to make it back in time to unpack, relax and be refreshed for work Sunday after such a busy and fun weekend"
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  • SSaltzman87SSaltzman87 member
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    edited December 2011
    I definitely agree that you don't have to spend the night before with your friend and then be at her gift opening. I've always heard of the gift opening as something between the bride, groom and their parents. 
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  • Eggshell31Eggshell31 member
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    edited December 2011
    Oh c'mon this will probably be fun.. And if you are the MOH you should go the extra step. I understand that you will be there with your husband, but why can't he go out with the other guys and have a good time... 

    I understand that it is a pain for her to have asked all this for you. But she made you the MOH because she loves you and cherishes you in every way. And she just wants you there for support. Getting married is something that care scare the balls off of someone... its anxiety ridden. 

    SO my advice is- look at it as a great old fashion sleep over and a afternoon of free lunch!!! 

    We all need to just step back and breath once in a while 
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_advice-wanted-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:a10a9eef-8362-4557-acb7-b21e037cf1e0Post:744caf9a-b38a-40df-841f-d4a1a915f376">Re: Advice wanted (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh c'mon this will probably be fun.. And if you are the MOH you should go the extra step. I understand that you will be there with your husband, but why can't he go out with the other guys and have a good time...  I understand that it is a pain for her to have asked all this for you. But she made you the MOH because she loves you and cherishes you in every way. And she just wants you there for support. Getting married is something that care scare the balls off of someone... its anxiety ridden.  SO my advice is- look at it as a great old fashion sleep over and a afternoon of free lunch!!!  <strong>We all need to just step back and breath once in a while 
    </strong>Posted by Eggshell31[/QUOTE]

    You can't be serious.  the only one who needs to take a step back and breathe is the bride!  She is being ridiculous in her demands and is only thinking of herself.
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  • alasenalasen
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_advice-wanted-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a10a9eef-8362-4557-acb7-b21e037cf1e0Post:2dba7f99-cb4d-4f4b-828f-d9dfcd133f87">Re: Advice wanted (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]You aren't required to do either of these. However, I think it would be really nice if you were to do the sleepover (but not the lunch) since it's obviously important to her.  It's one night away from your husband; might not be ideal, but it is only 1 night.  If you're close enough to be her MOH, I don't think that's a huge sacrifice.  Alternately, <strong>would you be willing to compromise and spend the evening with her but the actual sleeping part with your husband</strong>? Tell her you sleep best in a bed alone or with your husband or something like that.
    Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]

    <div>This! Especially the bold part!</div><div>
    </div><div>If you don't want to do both things, I get it. But it would be <strong>nice</strong> of you to choose one as a compromise (she wants two, you want none, so one = compromise). And from what your OP said, I think that the Friday night thing would be easier than the day after present deal...</div>
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_advice-wanted-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:a10a9eef-8362-4557-acb7-b21e037cf1e0Post:780e84cc-f165-48da-9696-af0cbe1cc0ff">Re: Advice wanted (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]If my FI were told he is "welcome to come help set up" he'd ask how much they were planning to pay him (I'm not being snarky, that's really what he would
    say) "
    Posted by kgorman307[/QUOTE]

    My husband would say the same thing :  ) 
                       
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  • Eggshell31Eggshell31 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I understand that my previous post bothered some people because I told her to basically suck it up and enjoy her time with the girls. But honestly, every time I read one of these posts everyone is going against the bride or what not. I think we are all just looking for something to complain about. 

    Dont get my wrong, I have complained about the same thing on many occasions, but it is so much easier and drama free if you look at situations like this as a time to hang out with your best friend. Because after they are married the time may not always be there. 

    I lurk a lot on these boards, so please don't take what I am saying as rude or condescending. I think we all just need to lighten up and enjoy the experience of being in a wedding! 

    and- I say this now, probably because I am in one of my best friends weddings and I am over the moon about  it. I can imagine being in a different situation and hating it all. 
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  • smsimpsonsmsimpson member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I'm not trying to complain and I am sorry that it may have come across that way.  I just wanted advice on how to bring up the conversation with her.  I don't like confrontation and find I get anxiety when I have to tell someone bad news or bring up a subject that may be hurtful. Even when it is a close friend.  I have made up my mind that I won't be attending these two specific events and I'm trying to come up with a way to bring up the subject nicely and let her know gently without hurting her feelings or make her feel like I am abandoning her in her time of need. 

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