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Feelings hurt by bridesmaid..

I've been having some trouble with one of my bridesmaids & I'm at a loss for how to handle it. My future SIL has been a close friend for years & now she is my one of my bridesmaids. I always knew that we had different tastes but it was kind of refreshing to get a different opinion on things. FI & I are having what his family would consider a not so traditional wedding, we are skipping the hall, DJ, basic wedding that most of the family members have had & decided to have a BBQ style reception in his parents lake front backyard, a place that's special to our relationship. For months we've been planning things, & there has been some hesitation from his family about what we want, but for the most part they seem excited. The other day me & SIL spent over an hour discussing plans & after I left she complained about & criticized our plans to FI!!! I have always been open to her opinions, and sincerely want them. I'm really hurt & now I'm hesitant to even discuss things with her because how do I know if she's lying about liking things? I'm probably being silly & should just move on but I don't understand why she's acting like I'm so unreasonable & can't handle the truth. I know the first advice I'm going to get is to talk to her directly but now I'm worried that it's a family wide criticism & unhappiness over our plans & not just her?

Re: Feelings hurt by bridesmaid..

  • Let FI handle his family, he can assess his parents happiness level about your plans.  You have no reason to be concerned about the rest of his family, as no-one has been critical, right? I can understand your feelings in regard to your SIL to be.  I'm thinking it would be best for you to stop sharing wedding plans with her.  You don't need her approval or her validation.

    Good luck with eveything.
  • I'm a MOB and I don't have all the backstory here, so this is all I can offer:

    Is your wedding and reception taking very considerate care of your guests?  Are you feeding them, making them comfortable, and not having them hike over hills and sit on blankets? 

    Having a non-traditional wedding is great as long as it doesn't inconvenience the guests.  If you are taking proper care of your guests and you know everyone will be comfortable, then quit worrying what these people think!

    Is there some backstory we need to know here?
  • Actually my first advice is to not talk to her about it. Everyone has different feelings and ideas about weddings - just our own personal taste. I am actually in a wedding this weekend of my future sister-in-laws. I'm not thrilled with a few of the things that will be happening at this wedding and have voiced that to my fiance (her brother). My fiance and I are on the same page about it so it's easy to tell him. I think just not discussing more plans with her would just be a good start. Now if she asks, then sure. I'm sure whatever she is thinking/saying isn't a direct jab at YOU.... just her personal opinion on weddings in general.
  • Let it go. She has the right to her opinion. And like PP said, if this kind of wedding would be inconvenient to your guests, then she may have a point.

    If it bothers you that much, don't discuss the wedding with her anymore, that way she can't criticize your plans.
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  • Thanks for the advice, & as far as back story goes, we are providing everything you would normally have in a hall with the exception of a DJ & dance floor. We will have a sound system that is suitable to the size of the yard, we also have lawn games, & a photo booth. The specific comments that I heard about were because we do not want a DJ (which doesn't really go with the vibe of our wedding & also because of space & electricity concerns) our wedding will be boring. She also complained that nothing matched & basically it was going to make her (& her family) look bad because it is at their house. And to mbcdefg. I know she has a right to her opinion, I honestly want that opinion, agreeable or not. That's my biggest issue. I don't really care if she likes the stuff, I'm more upset by her lying to me about it, then turning around & talking smack about everything to her family.
  • Well, you only heard about this information secondhand, so you have to be careful. Things may have gotten twisted or exaggerated through the grapevine. Heck, we've had stories here about bridesmaids/relatives making up complete and total lies about other people just to start drama. So while it's normal to feel slighted when you hear rumors, you can't confront her on this if you didn't hear it straight from her mouth.

    A sad fact of wedding planning is that people are always going to open their big dumb mouths and criticize your plans. A coworker asked me what color bridesmaid dresses I was having and when I told her they'd be wearing black she wrinkled her nose and said, "Ugh, really?" People will criticize the menu, guest list, entertainment, stationery, you name it. You just have to ignore it. If you're confident that your guests will be taken care of and happy, then do what YOU want to do.
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  • Why would your FI tell you what his SIL said if he knew it would hurt you?

  • 1. She has a right to disagree with you. You've already said that you two have different tastes.
    2. She was probably just venting to your brother about how much her tastes differs from yours. In the end, she's still supporting your decisions, no matter how contrary they are to her ideas.
    3. Does your FI agree with his sister? Why would he tell you what she said?
  • I don't think he realized it would hurt me & it came during a conversation about getting a DJ. His family has been hardcore pushing for a DJ & we both don't want one. So he was really just explaining their point of view on getting the DJ & The other stuff came out because he was mad about what she said.
  • I don't think you need to take it personally, she probably wasn't sure how you would take it because sometimes us bride-to-bes can get to be a it highstrung as it gets closer and she probably didn't want to bother you with it but it bugged her so she was just getting it out. 

    Everything will work out fine.  How old is this FSIL if I may ask?

    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
  • I can understand why it's hurtful that she criticized your wedding plans behind your back. My guess is that considering you're the bride, some people feel like they can't tell brides how they really feel when asked.  If it's something that bothers you, I would refrain from discussing your wedding any further with her.  Beyond that, I can't see what any kind of confrontation (whether it was initiated by you or your FI) would accomplish. 

    To be honest, your wedding plans sound super fun :-).  Not everyone would have that kind of vision for a wedding, but that's okay.  As long as you are properly hosting your guests, like having proper seating and are feeding/refreshing them, I don't see what the issue is.  GL!
  • Thanks for all the reassurance, it's nice to have people not treat me like I'm crazy for wanting something a little different....FSIL is 23.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_feelings-hurt-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1e4aa07c-aa38-404c-b00a-86c95a36b2c1Post:65fecb16-308b-41a2-8a72-746f48a7383f">Re: Feelings hurt by bridesmaid..</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for all the reassurance, it's nice to have people not treat me like I'm crazy for wanting something a little different....FSIL is 23.
    Posted by korkarama[/QUOTE]

    I remember asking you that question, i'm now tryign to remember why!  I guess spending a weeekend with the family can make you go loopy. 

    Good luck and try not to take it too personally,
    "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"
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