Sister/MOH's own wedding

ldawngirl · October 2010

A long story, hopefully, short! My fiance and I got engaged in April (Easter) after dating for a few years. I knew I wanted a fall wedding and we didn't want to rush the plans and go into debt, so we opted for an October 2011 wedding giving us more time to save up and plan. I asked my sister to be my MOH, which she was happy about. Then, in early August, she got engaged to her GF (she's a lesbian) whom she had only been seeing for a few months! Of course my parents and I think this is far too soon as they barely know each other, but she's a big girl (3 years old than me). Then she decided that their wedding was going to be three months before ours! Of course, this upset me, as I didn't want our family (who don't have a lot of money) to have to travel for two weddings within a few months, but I kept mum. This also puts a financial strain on me, as she's asked me to be her MOH, which I'm happy to do, but it's an expensive role that is coming right when finances are tight due to our own wedding. But I knew we could work it out and she's my sister, so it's what I'll do. But then they decided to get married in a location that has the same catering company as our venue (our caterer has the rights to only four locations in the city and my sister picked one of the other three when there are tons of other possibilities - we live in a fairly big city). When I asked her if she would respect our menu, as we had already settled on the things we wanted (yes, I know we're doing it early, but my fiance is a chef and food is a big thing for him), she got mad at me and said she'll do whatever she wants. It just seems to be one thing after another. She never asks me how our wedding plans are going and as my MOH, she should be involved. And when we were talking about BM dress shopping for my wedding, she got mad about having to spend money, talking about how she's broke (she's not)! I just don't know what to do. My sister, as I mentioned, is not a girlie girl and she's not into weddings and she isn't exactly Miss. Manners or big on 'the proper thing to do', which I get, but the way she's going about everything is really starting to get to me. Am I being crazy and selfish? I want her to be happy, but at the same time, it just seems from the way she's acting, she isn't thinking about me.

MairePoppy · October 2010

You don't get exclusive rights to any of your wedding vendors. If you are concerned that your sister is going to copycat you, then keep your ideas to yourself. If by chance, she makes the same menu selections as you, then you will either have to accept that or change your own menu. She is entitled to the same choices as you. It doesn't matter which of you was engaged first.

You and your sister have equal roles in each other's weddings. She certainly must understand your budget concerns. Be up front with each other on your dress budgets. And each of you should plan your weddings with your fiances, not your maids of honor. The two of you should be able to work things out with a little bit of common sense.

ldawngirl · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sistermohs-own-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:34e8963f-71b3-40c5-aae3-5e2de3ce7d67Post:7acda19e-c1fb-4525-b945-e95b8a4636ed">Re: Sister/MOH's own wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] Expenses: since you're sisters, you should be able to sit down together and talk about expenses. What about selecting bridesmaid dresses that you can wear to each other's weddings? And please don't shop for them NOW for an October 2011 wedding. You're asking each other, and your other attendants, to shell out now for a dress that will just hang in their closet for a year. Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

We're not shopping for them now, we were just talking about them. I'm allowing my girls to choose whatever black dress they want to wear at whatever cost, so they can decide what's right for them. My sister is the 'man' in her relationship and she's having me in a tux, as she will be in a tux and I'm supposed to be her best man. Which I'm not excited about, lol, but I will do.

[QUOTE] As for "respecting" your menu - that's just absurd. Your weddings are three months apart, not three days. The guests won't notice or care. Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

To me, it's not strictly about the guests, although that is part of it. It's more about my and my DF's view of our big day. I want my day to be as special as I imagined it to be, it just seems like if I've already eaten the food, it won't have that special edge to it and be 'our' wedding. It'll just be food that we've already had at another wedding. Does that make sense? I know if this was the only issue, it wouldn't be a big deal, but it just seems to be little things growing on top of each other.

[QUOTE] As for involving her as your MOH - planning the wedding is your job and your fiance's, not your sister's. You work on your wedding, she works on hers, and that will save you the stress.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I know that she doesn't have to be involved in every part of the planning, but it would be nice to talk to my sister and MOH about my wedding and what we're doing, but she just doesn't seem to care. For example, I just asked her if she wanted to come with my mom and I to go look at a veil that a woman is selling for cheap and she said no. Not because she was busy, but just because she had no interest. Just things like that. It just seems like everything else is more important to her. And I'm not saying she has to think my weddding is on her priority list, but it would be nice if she cared.

AmeliaAndSeth8890 · October 2010

I understand that you feel she is trying to "upstage" you, but the reality is exactly what PP's said. She gets her day, no matter if it's 3 months before yours or 3 months after. You mentioned that she is older than you - maybe she just feels that as the older sibling she should get her day first? It doesn't necessarily make sense, but I can kind of see this rationale. Don't look at it as her trying to upstage you - see it as two separate things - her wedding and your wedding.

I also think you should keep your choices to yourself - yes, you probably thought you would be able to share them with your sister (I would) but if you are worried about having weddings that are "too similar" then simply don't discuss the big things with her. Let her know things relevant to her position as MOH, but menu, songs, etc - those are not relevant. What is relevant is date, time, location and dress/dress cost. She doesn't need to know everything, and probably doesn't want to.

As far as cost - you both agreed to be eachother's MOH's - meaning you signed on to incur the costs that go with being MOH. Is it the best "timing?" I guess not. But you both agreed to the title and duties fully aware of how your finances will be. It's just a dress and some parties - nothing that should break the bank regardless that you are planning your own weddings. If you are going to have so little extra money because of your own weddings you should probably scale back anyway.

Good luck - and try to be logical and rational. Enjoy your wedding and enjoy her wedding as the two separate things that they are. And I would recommend letting her know these things too. Let her know that she agreed to be your MOH as well. Keep it in a good price range; consider your BM's too.

mysticl · October 2010

Do you have a job that you would wear a suit to? Maybe you can compromise and instead of the tux find a nice pantsuit that you could wear again.

As for the food. I'm on her side about respecting your menu. She can pick any food she wants. It does not make sense to me that it will not be your special wedding food if you ate it before. It's not your special wedding food, hundreds of couples have already eaten it. Besides, do you know how many brides and grooms say that they barely noticed what they ate at their wedding, if they even managed to eat at all?

The example of her not wanting to go look at a used veil because she wasn't interested makes you look bad, not her. You said she's not a girly girl, are you really that suprised that her answer was no?

M&R7111 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sistermohs-own-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:34e8963f-71b3-40c5-aae3-5e2de3ce7d67Post:8a537c95-4f5f-49db-abf5-8a40e8af4960">Re: Sister/MOH's own wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To me, it's not strictly about the guests, although that is part of it. It's more about my and my DF's view of our big day. I want my day to be as special as I imagined it to be, it just seems like if I've already eaten the food, it won't have that special edge to it and be 'our' wedding. It'll just be food that we've already had at another wedding. Does that make sense? I know if this was the only issue, it wouldn't be a big deal, but it just seems to be little things growing on top of each other. Posted by ldawngirl[/QUOTE]

Only to you and your FI. I know you said your FI is a chef (?) and food is important to him. This is probably true. But I know that when I go to a wedding, I'm only thinking of the food before I eat and when I'm eating it it because I'm starving at that point! After, I don't even remember.

There are so many specific aspects about a wedding (color, food, centerpieces) that no one else but you will notice and care about. The most important things about a wedding for the guests (besides the bride and groom, of course) is the booze and the music/dancing!

M&R7111 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sistermohs-own-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:34e8963f-71b3-40c5-aae3-5e2de3ce7d67Post:0ced345e-7999-4d18-8b81-b052cda1c0d4">Re: Sister/MOH's own wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you have a job that you would wear a suit to? Maybe you can compromise and instead of the tux find a nice pantsuit that you could wear again. As for the food. I'm on her side about respecting your menu. She can pick any food she wants. It does not make sense to me that it will not be your special wedding food if you ate it before. It's not your special wedding food, hundreds of couples have already eaten it. Besides, do you know how many brides and grooms say that they barely noticed what they ate at their wedding, if they even managed to eat at all? The example of her not wanting to go look at a used veil because she wasn't interested makes you look bad, not her. You said she's not a girly girl, are you really that suprised that her answer was no?
Posted by mysticl[/QUOTE]

OOOOhhh, good point!

Think about this, OP, if your sister asked you to go and look at suits and tuxes, would you be interested in going?

vicki0508 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sistermohs-own-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:34e8963f-71b3-40c5-aae3-5e2de3ce7d67Post:8a537c95-4f5f-49db-abf5-8a40e8af4960">Re: Sister/MOH's own wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister/MOH's own wedding : To me, it's not strictly about the guests, although that is part of it. It's more about my and my DF's view of our big day. I want my day to be as special as I imagined it to be, it just seems like if I've already eaten the food, it won't have that special edge to it and be 'our' wedding. It'll just be food that we've already had at another wedding. Does that make sense? I know if this was the only issue, it wouldn't be a big deal, but it just seems to be little things growing on top of each other.
Posted by ldawngirl[/QUOTE]

I think you should be pumped if she picks the same food. Odds are you won't have much time to enjoy the food at your wedding, so at her wedding you can savor it and think "wow this really was a good choice!" I certainly hope that the food is not what will make your wedding day memorable

Beachy730 · October 2010

OP - I don't have a sister but from friends and family's experience I know of several older sisters that have gotten engaged quickly and had their wedding first. Simply put, they would feel like crap if they're "baby" sister got married before them. I don't agree with it, but I'm not surprised either that your sister did it.

Honestly, I think you're being ridiculous though to get mad about the food. After I read that about the food I tried thinking about the food at my own wedding, which is almost 3 months away, and I can't remember. I know we had steak, chicken, and salmon, but what was on it I barely remember. So if I can't remember my own wedding meals, which i thought about constantly and looked at the RSVP cards for a month, then I can promise you that none of your guests will notice.

I understand being upset about the situation, but I think you need to let a lot of it go. You get 1 day to plan, and your sister gets hers. You don't get the rights to certain food or vendors. I would stop asking your sister to do girly things for you if you know she doesn't like it. If she is the boy in the relationship, I compare it to if I were to ask my brother to go dress shopping with me. He would laugh in my face. As for wearing the tux, I would try talking to her about it. You can tell her that many people do mixed gender WPs and being on the guys side doesn't mean you have to wear a tux. Usually the women who stand on the grooms side wear the same dress as the BMs or similar. If you are fine with it then okay, but if it were me I'd be uncomfortable wearing a tux.

zitiqueen · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sistermohs-own-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:34e8963f-71b3-40c5-aae3-5e2de3ce7d67Post:be0291e5-b0b0-4387-8966-4a0f134cad38">Sister/MOH's own wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]A long story, hopefully, short! My fiance and I got engaged in April (Easter) after dating for a few years. I knew I wanted a fall wedding and we didn't want to rush the plans and go into debt, so we opted for an October 2011 wedding giving us more time to save up and plan. I asked my sister to be my MOH, which she was happy about. Then, in early August, she got engaged to her GF (she's a lesbian) whom she had only been seeing for a few months! Of course my parents and I think this is far too soon as they barely know each other, but she's a big girl (3 years old than me). Then she decided that their wedding was going to be three months before ours! Of course, this upset me, as I didn't want our family (who don't have a lot of money) to have to travel for two weddings within a few months, but I kept mum. This also puts a financial strain on me, as she's asked me to be her MOH, which I'm happy to do, but it's an expensive role that is coming right when finances are tight due to our own wedding. But I knew we could work it out and she's my sister, so it's what I'll do. But then they decided to get married in a location that has the same catering company as our venue (our caterer has the rights to only four locations in the city and my sister picked one of the other three when there are tons of other possibilities - we live in a fairly big city). When I asked her if she would respect our menu, as we had already settled on the things we wanted (yes, I know we're doing it early, but my fiance is a chef and food is a big thing for him), she got mad at me and said she'll do whatever she wants. It just seems to be one thing after another. She never asks me how our wedding plans are going and as my MOH, she should be involved. And when we were talking about BM dress shopping for my wedding, she got mad about having to spend money, talking about how she's broke (she's not)! I just don't know what to do. My sister, as I mentioned, is not a girlie girl and she's not into weddings and she isn't exactly Miss. Manners or big on 'the proper thing to do', which I get, but the way she's going about everything is really starting to get to me. Am I being crazy and selfish? I want her to be happy, but at the same time, it just seems from the way she's acting, she isn't thinking about me.
Posted by ldawngirl[/QUOTE]

Muffin'sMom · October 2010

You can't control what she does...you can only control how you feel about it. You are giving your sister WAY to much control of your emotions. Let go and enjoy what YOU are doing!

Habs2Hart · October 2010

I understand that you may feel frustrated. I have an older sister and I'd probably feel like that too. Your older sister may be feeling like she's older (3 years is a big difference) and that she should be married before you. Maybe they haven't been dating that long, but that is her business and not yours. You don't know how in love she is. If it's right, it's right. There's no timeline on love.

As fas as guests are concerned, If your guests don't want to travel twice, they'll pick the wedding they want to attend, and if it's hers, then you get to see them there, celebrate with them and then have more of your friends at your wedding instead of family which could be a bonus.

Also, take the food as a good thing if the menus are the same. You'll get a chance to try the food and guage guests reactions 3 months before yours. So you can alter if something doesn't go over well. Plus, if your caterer is really good, they probably use seasonal foods, which might not be the same 3 months later.

My MOH is my sister. She won't have much to say about my wedding because she lives on the other side of the country. I know that I will have to be sensitive because she's older and I'm getting married and she's single. I would be bummed if the roles were reversed. I'm sure she's very happy for you, but sometimes sisters get a bit of a competitive thing going on. You apparently are feeling it too.

aerinpegadrak · October 2010

I think you're putting way too much thought into how much people will care about your wedding. Really. No one will notice if the food is from the same place, especially if the menus aren't the same. No one notices the details at weddings. They're there to see you get married, then to enjoy the food, booze, and music. Everything else is background noise.

Being together longer doesn't make your relationship more legitimate, sorry. Bringing up the respective lengths of your engagements just makes you sound really petty.

marissa_claire · November 2010

I would take this on from the guests' point of view, personally. FI's sister originally wanted to have her wedding a few months after ours, and one of the big sticking points was that she'd be asking guests to travel to two weddings (both 12+ hours away) within that short time frame. She could have had it the next day for all I cared, but her relatives did tell her it would be difficult financially on some of them. I think similarly, as a guest I would side-eye the latter girl who had the same dresses and same food as her sister. If it upsets you because you want to be unique, I don't think that's a huge concern, but I would be concerned about what guests will think if I were your sis.

lalap69 · November 2010

You each get ONE day. You might have preferred that your weddings were farther apart, but you've both picked your days and they are when they are, so you'll just have to deal with it and move on.

Also, paragraphs are you friend. Breaking up your post makes it easier to read. I was only able to skim your big wall o' text. Next time hit enter twice every now and then.

melissamc2 · November 2010

Then, in early August, she got engaged to her GF (she's a lesbian) whom she had only been seeing for a few months!

How long she has been with someone has nothing to do with any of this (there is no prize for having dated longer), nor does her sexual orientation. We'd have all figured it out by the mention of a girlfriend, so why point that out?

Then she decided that their wedding was going to be three months before ours!

No, she and her fiancee chose a wedding date that is in the same year as yours. You're very likely the only person who is focusing on its proximity to your wedding.

This also puts a financial strain on me, as she's asked me to be her MOH, which I'm happy to do, but it's an expensive role that is coming right when finances are tight due to our own wedding.

Just as having agreed to be your MoH puts a financial strain on her while she is planning her own wedding. You both have plenty of time to save. If you really can't come up with a couple of hundred dollars in nearly a year's time - perhaps the timing isn't right for either of you.

My sister, as I mentioned, is not a girlie girl

No, as a matter of acct you didn't mention - you simply mentioned that she is a lesbian. Contrary to stereotypes, that does not mean we will all assume that she is butch.

it just seems from the way she's acting, she isn't thinking about me

She's not. She's thinking about being in love and planning her wedding - the same way YOU are. Now that you know she's planning a wedding that will occur before yours, are you clearing every single thing you want to do/vendor you want to use with her, or are you being a sane person and making decisions with your fiance so you'll have the wedding that the two of you want to have?

Weddings aren't a competition and honestly, it's only natural that sisters may have a few similar choices. The only thing in any of this that anyone is going to remember, other than the brides involved, is if you make a big deal out of any of it.

ldawngirl · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sistermohs-own-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:34e8963f-71b3-40c5-aae3-5e2de3ce7d67Post:75489445-7e34-40d4-977b-a28a9a78cf03">Re: Sister/MOH's own wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]No, as a matter of acct you didn't mention - you simply mentioned that she is a lesbian. Contrary to stereotypes, that does not mean we will all assume that she is butch.
Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

I had mentioned the fact that she wasn't a girlie girl earlier on in my post before editing and did not think about it to edit this part accordingly. I'm not meaning to stereotype, as having seen my sister's various girlfriends, I would be the last person to say that lesbians are all butch.

ldawngirl · November 2010

Thanks to those people with helpful comments. Some people jumped on the menu thing, but as I mentioned in my reply post earlier, this is not strictly about the menu or the finances - this is about my sister, my MOH, not really caring about my wedding. You can say that it's up to my DF and I to plan it and that's true, but who among you hasn't chatted with their sisters, BP and girlfriends about their wedding? It's nice to have that and to say that I shouldn't talk to my sister about it just doesn't seem to be a great solution. I don't think she's trying to upstage me.

Really what it comes down to is the fact that she doesn't seem to care. Yes, she has her wedding to focus on and I get that, but you can plan your own wedding while being a part of other people's lives. I always make a point to ask her how their plans are going, help out in any way I can, offer suggestions, etc. Before her engagement, we chatted several times a week and saw each other once every week or two. Now we only speak if I call her and even then, it's usually cut short because she's busy. I think it's all just everything piling up.

Thanks for the suggestion re: suits instead of tuxes. I'll mention this to her, as I could easily wear a suit to work. She won't go for the dress though as she thinks it'll look cool if I'm wearing a tux, but maybe a suit will be a compromise.

I probably am freaking out of the menu for no good reason. It just seems to be little things at this point that are irking me due to everything else. My mom and I are both concerned that she's forgetting about her family and focusing too much on her own fiance and her family. My sister is very one-track minded when it comes to friends/family (i.e. only ever had one friend at a time), so it seems like she can only have one family at a time now too. Anyway, thanks for the constructive feedback.

Habs2Hart · November 2010

Perhaps your sister is focusing on the her Future family because she doesn't know them that well and is trying to get to know them before the big day. Which is totally understandable. I don't know my Future family that well, but they live so far away I won't get to spend too much quality time with them if I did.

Or maybe she feels she wants to stay out of your way because she thinks you may be upset and is trying to let things cool off? You never know. Why don't you sit down and have a chat with your sister about it. Put it all out there. I'm sure you've done this before with her as I have on multiple occasions with my sister.

Talk to your caterer. Like I said before, a good caterer does seasonal foods. A lot can change in 3 months. Everyone will have forgotten what food was at her wedding by the time yours rolls around anyway. Seriously. I couldn't tell you what I ate at any wedding I've ever been too.

Maybe offer to help your sister with her menu and gently suggest things that are not on yours?

mysticl · November 2010

OP: With the tux issue (i'm the one who suggested the suit) does your sister mean for you to go to Men's Wearhouse (or something like that) and rent a men's tux or does she have a place where you can get a women's tux (which I don't think I've ever seen, except on tv)? I ask because a men's tux won't look cool on you, it won't fit right, it's designed for more room in the groin area and less in the chest. Whereas, a properly fitting woman's pantsuit could look awesome.

ldawngirl · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sistermohs-own-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:34e8963f-71b3-40c5-aae3-5e2de3ce7d67Post:4e4d2ae6-7733-4b6d-a2d5-5e774007c09b">Re: Sister/MOH's own wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]OP: With the tux issue (i'm the one who suggested the suit) does your sister mean for you to go to Men's Wearhouse (or something like that) and rent a men's tux or does she have a place where you can get a women's tux (which I don't think I've ever seen, except on tv)? I ask because a men's tux won't look cool on you, it won't fit right, it's designed for more room in the groin area and less in the chest. Whereas, a properly fitting woman's pantsuit could look awesome.
Posted by mysticl[/QUOTE]

I talked to her last night about the suit idea and she flat out refused. She said she thinks it'll look cool if I'm in a tux versus a suit, even though I explained that I could wear a suit again for work purposes. And she is planning on us getting men's tuxes, but tailored to us. I'm not sure how this is going to work now, as I hadn't thought about the fact that a men's tux is going to fit very poorly. I'm very petite with a large chest, so this should be interesting. Especially because the female ring bearer (who will be 6.5 years old at the point of the wedding) will also be in a tux. Obviously we won't be worried about the tuxes until spring of next year though, so I'll have to see what happens then.

On another note, I talked to her last night and she said that they're now getting their cake at the same place where we are getting our cake (we've already put down a deposit and everything). I really think now that I can't say anything to her anymore about our wedding if I want things to be different. It's just very frustrating to not be able to talk to my sister/MOH about anything wedding-related. At this point, even our mom is getting annoyed at her for doing all the same things.

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