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how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride?

mrslawtonmrslawton
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
  My MOH is getting married!  She's been engaged to her FH for about 4 yrs, but they have had a lot of student loans to pay off and havent really had time or finances to plan their dream wedding.  She asked me to be her MOH. Good news is they're now both working solid full time jobs.  Bad news: her dad is in failing health. Fast.  Less than 6 months fast......
   Me and one of the other BMs have been trying to work out the best way to suggest to her that if she wants her Dad to be there to see her get married and be a part of her wedding, its a race against the disease and diseases dont have feelings or the courtousy to postpone taking a life for the sake of planning a wedding.   She and her FH were thinking June or July of '13.  We're not sure her dad is gonna see Christmas.   Me and the other BM are going to see her Saturday night over dinner but we're not quite sure what to say. We're thinking small family ceremony at the family home, someone to take photos, potluck dinner, and dress nice in suits and cocktail dresses, then we can have the gratification of her dad being there to see her get married, even if he can't make it till the reception in June or July.... though, having a wedding reception that close to a funeral makes me even more weary.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I'
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Re: how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride?

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    Marrin713Marrin713 member
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    It's her & her FI's call.  I'd stay out of it.
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    itzMSitzMS member
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    You should definitely stay out of it.

    Having had a terminally ill father myself, I would never have rushed into getting married.

    Support your friend, but certainly do not bring up her dying father.

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    thejucheideathejucheidea member
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    Stay out of her life. If she wants an early wedding, she'll have an early wedding. It would be very rude of you to assume you could make this decision for her.

    Another thing: you have no idea how long he's going to live. I work in cancer research and have patients tell me every day how they were told they had three to six months to live and it's been eight years. Don't assume you know the course of his disease, and don't assume that his doctors know everything either.

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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
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    agree with Marrin.  You guys need to back off and stay out of this.  Your friend KNOWS what is going on and is dealing with accepting that she will lose her dad.  She doens't need  you guys deciding what her plans will be.  It isn't uncommon for a terminal parent to request plans NOT be changed.

    Your heart is in the right place but  you seriously need to stay out of this.  It is a deeply personal decision to be made by your friend and her FI.
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-suggest-a-rushed-wedding-to-a-greiving-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec612a87-6eb9-4797-b082-e7a437e9a1f2Post:17a902e8-c12b-4e36-866d-9791b7f4c95d">Re: how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's her & her FI's call.  I'd stay out of it.
    Posted by Marrin713[/QUOTE]

    I agree,  I know your heart is in the right place, but this isn't your decision.  I'm sure your friend is well aware of her father's declining health timeline.  You are free to ask her how she feels about planning a wedding so in the future with her father in mind, but you can't suggest that she change everything because of it.  That's not your call.

    Be her friend.  Support her with her father.  Offer to help her with anything wedding related.  But, I'd really caution against presenting her with a plan to revamp her entire wedding.

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    KellyBrian2013KellyBrian2013
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    In Response to Re:how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride?:[QUOTE]nbsp; My MOH is getting married!nbsp; She's been engaged to her FHnbsp;for about 4 yrs, butnbsp;they have had a lot of student loans to pay off and havent really had time or finances to plan their dream wedding.nbsp; She asked me to be her MOH.nbsp;Good news is they're nownbsp;both working solid full time jobs.nbsp; Bad news: her dad is in failing health. Fast.nbsp; Less than 6 months fast......nbsp;nbsp; Me and one of the other BMs have been trying to work out the best way to suggest to her that if she wants her Dad to be there to see her get married and be a part of her wedding, its a race against the disease and diseases dont have feelings or the courtousy to postpone taking a life for the sake of planning a wedding.nbsp;nbsp; She and her FH were thinking June or July of '13.nbsp; We're not sure her dad is gonna see Christmas.nbsp;nbsp; Me and the other BM are going to see her Saturday night over dinner but we're not quite sure what to say. We're thinking small family ceremony at the family home, someone to take photos, potluck dinner, and dress nice in suits and cocktail dresses, then we can have the gratification of her dad being there to see her get married, even if he can't make it till the reception in June or July.... though, having a wedding reception that close to a funeral makes me even more weary. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I' Posted by mrslawton[/QUOTE]

    To be frank, I think you all need to butt out. I understand and appreciate that you are trying to be good, supportive friends and help her decide what should be most important, but that is a decision that SHE needs to make for herself with the support of her FI and her family. It's no one else's business. So, to answer your question, you ladies don't say ANYTHING unless she brings it up and asks for your opinions.
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    Gatorsgirl731Gatorsgirl731 member
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    Yes stay out of it.  She knows very well that her dad is failing in health, and she knows she is getting married.  You may not know everything, like if she and her father have already spoken and made decisions about this.  There was a post last week about a girl who's father did not want her to change the date just for his cancer.  I think pointing out the fact that her dad is dying is going against your role of being a SUPPORTIVE friend.  Take her to dinner, ask how she is doing, IF she brings up the wedding and or dad then listen.  If she does not don't open a fresh wound.  Sometimes when we agree to go out with the girls, it is because we need a break.
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    JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-suggest-a-rushed-wedding-to-a-greiving-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec612a87-6eb9-4797-b082-e7a437e9a1f2Post:4d62475a-ebac-47c1-9f22-c276d6ada208">how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride?</a>:
    [QUOTE]  My MOH is getting married!  She's been engaged to her FH for about 4 yrs, but they have had a lot of student loans to pay off and havent really had time or finances to plan their dream wedding.  She asked me to be her MOH. Good news is they're now both working solid full time jobs.  Bad news: her dad is in failing health. Fast.  Less than 6 months fast......    <strong>Me and one of the other BMs have been trying to work out the best way to suggest to her that if she wants her Dad to be there to see her get married and be a part of her wedding, its a race against the disease</strong> and diseases dont have feelings or the courtousy to postpone taking a life for the sake of planning a wedding.   She and her FH were thinking June or July of '13.  We're not sure her dad is gonna see Christmas.   Me and the other BM are going to see her Saturday night over dinner but we're not quite sure what to say. We're thinking small family ceremony at the family home, someone to take photos, potluck dinner, and dress nice in suits and cocktail dresses, then we can have the gratification of her dad being there to see her get married, even if he can't make it till the reception in June or July.... though, having a wedding reception that close to a funeral makes me even more weary. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I'
    Posted by mrslawton[/QUOTE]

    Do you really think she's not aware of this?  I'd mind your own business and let her do what she wants to do.
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    PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
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    Please please please do NOT approach her with this. A friend is supportive during this time, and making opinionated demands is not supportive. IF she decides to go this route, it will be monumentally stressful, and take a toll on her. She has every right to decide to hold off on the wedding so that she has more free time to spend with her father in his last days. And nobody has any place judging her for that.
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    mrslawtonmrslawton
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    I know I dont know everything because she wont talk to me. But I will not say anything to her.   you guys are right. I just freaked out. Its not cancer BTW.  Its a degenerative genetic disease and there is no cure. so its only goint to get worse.  I am not going to try to convince her to move the wedding forward, because I hae no idea what she's thinking. I'm going to tell the other girl we should still have dinner Saturday, but not to bring it up, and just use it as a girls night (that we were planning on having anyway)

    Thanks for the honest feedback.
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    mrslawtonmrslawton
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    Only thing I DISAGREE with you guys on is that I need to "mind my own business"  She's my best friend, and her parents consider me another daughter. So, it kind of is MY business.  Trouble is that she is being vauge and distant every time I bring up wedding stuff, even before her dad was getting really bad.  Its a tough time for all of us, but her family is like family to me too. 
    Like I said,  I wont be the one to bring it up, and I wont let the other girl say anything either.... but I will let her know I am here for her no matter what and that she doesnt need to be afraid to call me about anything.
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    alexkahaynaalexkahayna member
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    She will probably appreciate that girls- night out more than anything else; it keeps her mind off the worries and shows your support. :)
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    AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-suggest-a-rushed-wedding-to-a-greiving-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec612a87-6eb9-4797-b082-e7a437e9a1f2Post:1e0aee76-12fb-41fe-8f5c-67a1faa7bebb">Re: how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Only thing I DISAGREE with you guys on is that I need to "mind my own business"  She's my best friend, and her parents consider me another daughter. So, it kind of is MY business.  Trouble is that she is being vauge and distant every time I bring up wedding stuff, even before her dad was getting really bad.  Its a tough time for all of us, but her family is like family to me too.  Like I said,  I wont be the one to bring it up, and I wont let the other girl say anything either.... but I will let her know I am here for her no matter what and that she doesnt need to be afraid to call me about anything.
    Posted by mrslawton[/QUOTE]

    It's possible she's being vague because she herself isn't sure what to make the situation.  Maybe she needs more time for things to settle in.  Give her space and support.  I know you're trying to be a good friend.  I don't think you should exactly mind your own business, but I do think that she needs to lead the way on this subject.

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    mandi195mandi195
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    You say and do nothing. Facing the reality of losing ones parent is a very difficult, very personal thing. While I understand this is a close friend of yours, this is not the time to add any pressure or stress. Her and FI will plan a wedding for when they are comfortable. Clearly she realizes that there is a chance her father may not be there to witness that day; reminding her will only make her upset and could cause problems in your friendship.
    While I admire your concern for your friend having her father there, bringing this up is just so potentially hurtful and damaging that I'd just leave it. When you're with her, of course ask about her father, and also ask how the wedding planning is going. If she is worried about her father not being there, she will bring it up if she feels comfortable. Maybe she is choosing, instead of moving the wedding to a time her father can be there, to keeping it when it is planned and enjoying this time with her father instead of rushing and planning a wedding in that time.
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    mrslawtonmrslawton
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-suggest-a-rushed-wedding-to-a-greiving-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec612a87-6eb9-4797-b082-e7a437e9a1f2Post:8a4e028b-c6f0-4644-9baa-67bffdf663b1">Re:how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Please please please do NOT approach her with this. A friend is supportive during this time, and making opinionated demands is not supportive. IF she decides to go this route, it will be monumentally stressful, and take a toll on her. She has every right to decide to hold off on the wedding so that she has more free time to spend with her father in his last days. And nobody has any place judging her for that.
    Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

    Not judging.
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    StephBeanWed61502StephBeanWed61502 member
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    It's also possible that she HAS talked to her parents about this and they don't want her to change her plans. When my grandmother was dying, she specifically told my cousin NOT to move her wedding up, because, in her words, "cancer has taken enough from this family and I don't want it to take away your dream wedding too." My point is, you may love her family as if they are your own, but that doesn't mean you know anything at all about what they're thinking in relation to the wedding. I know you have already said you are going to drop this, and I think that is a good idea.
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    ericaandtom2012ericaandtom2012 member
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    I don't care how close to the family you are.  It's none of your business because you are neither the bride or the groom of this wedding.  I can't imagine how painful the entire situation is for your friend, but I'm sure she's aware of the possibility that her father might not be there. 
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    KellyBrian2013KellyBrian2013
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    In Response to Re:how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride?:[QUOTE]Only thing I DISAGREE with you guys on is that I need to "mind my own business"nbsp; She's my best friend, and her parents consider me another daughter. So, it kind of is MY business.nbsp; Trouble is that she is being vauge and distant every time I bring up wedding stuff, even before her dad was getting really bad.nbsp; Its a tough time for all of us, but her family is like family to me too.nbsp; Like I said,nbsp; I wont be the one to bring it up, and I wont let the other girl say anything either.... but I will let her know I am here for her no matter what and that she doesnt need to be afraid to call me about anything. Posted by mrslawton[/QUOTE]

    Point being, you're still not family and it still isn't your decision. Did you ever consider that she was pulling away about the wedding "before her dad was getting really bad" because THEY knew he was getting bad but hasn't shared it yet? Seriously, you're not family as much as you may feel like you are.
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    s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    As other PP's said, your heart is in the right place but it's not your place to suggest changes like that. It IS your business to care about her and want the best for her and take car of her in her times of need, but being that she is about to get married, she's an adult and can make her own decisions. Just support her and be there for her, as her bffl, that's your job.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Another vote for stay out of it. 

    You don't know what conversations have taken place. My dad passed away in February, but sometime in October, after we got engaged, he told me NOT to rush the wedding, to have the wedding we wanted. I thought he might make it, but he didn't. She may have already discussed this with her father.

    AND he may live. You just never know.


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    audrewuhaudrewuh member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-suggest-a-rushed-wedding-to-a-greiving-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec612a87-6eb9-4797-b082-e7a437e9a1f2Post:1e0aee76-12fb-41fe-8f5c-67a1faa7bebb">Re: how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Only thing I DISAGREE with you guys on is that I need to "mind my own business"  She's my best friend, and her parents consider me another daughter. So, it kind of is MY business.  Trouble is that she is being vauge and distant every time I bring up wedding stuff, even before her dad was getting really bad.  Its a tough time for all of us, but her family is like family to me too.  Like I said,  I wont be the one to bring it up, and I wont let the other girl say anything either.... but I will let her know I am here for her no matter what and that she doesnt need to be afraid to call me about anything.
    Posted by mrslawton[/QUOTE]

    <div>My own father is terminally ill and the day after we got engaged, my mom started giving me hell about getting married that weekend (we got engaged on Monday). I was so hurt and a total mess, just one day after my engagement. </div><div>
    </div><div>I called my BFF and vented to her and my other friends, all of whom said awesome things to encourage me to make the decision I needed to make. Not a single one of them said "Well, he is dying... You're mom's right"</div><div>
    </div><div>Turns out my dad started a new treatment the next week, one that Stillwell actually works with, and it has performed miracles in three months. His prognosis has never been better. He was given two years over three years ago. </div><div>
    </div><div>Stay out. Be a good friend and don't ever tell her you had these thoughts. Ever. </div>
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    missglinda14missglinda14
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    My mom is currently terminally ill and we have no idea really how long she has because it's all dependant on a surgery she may or may not need. It's a little complicated but the point is when I asked my mom if she wanted us to move the wedding up, she instantly said no. She said she will be alive for the day no matter what, and even if she wasn't, she doesn't want it to stop us from having the wedding we have been planning. You have no idea if the bride and her father have already had a discussion about this. And maybe she is being vague because she doesn't want to talk about it. The only people I talk about it with openly is my mom and FI. Give her time and space about it. My MOH is like another daughter to my mom, but she doesn't talk about it with me unless I bring it up first. She knows I will make the right decision for me and my mom.
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    Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
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    Yeah, close friend or not, MOH or not, it STILL is not your business. I get that your heart is in the right place, I really do, but just because you know her and are close with her does not automatically make everything going on in her life your business. It sound like you realized you need to just stay out of it, but if not, I'll just reiterate that that's best in this scenario.


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    PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
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    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-suggest-a-rushed-wedding-to-a-greiving-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec612a87-6eb9-4797-b082-e7a437e9a1f2Post:9be7f410-0a1d-4528-a473-b16cb696f362">Re:how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride? : Not judging.
    Posted by mrslawton[/QUOTE]

    You will be crossing the line into judgemental if you persue this with her.  You would have decided that your opinion is superior, and that you know better than she does about how her family should handle things. 

    Bleh, last thing she needs right now.  Just be supportive.  If she does decide to tackle the monster of rushing her wedding, she'll need you.  Really need you.

    Weddings demand a lot of time and attention.  Time and attention that she might decide would be better dedicated to spending with her father.  And that is just as valid of a decision as rushing the wedding.  Let her decide what will help her heal best.
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    LoopysevenLoopyseven member
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    Enjoy the girls night out.  Be there for her as she needs to talk.  Don't push her to make any decisions one way or another.  Just support whichever decision she and her groom and her family make.
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    hoffsehoffse member
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    OP, what struck me as you getting way too into her business is that apparently you girls have all planned it out for them - "intimate family ceremony" ring any bells?  Just stay out of it, don't bring it up, and she can make her own decisions about the type of wedding she wants and when she wants to have it.  I can almost guarantee you that their family has discussed it, and even if you are good friends with the entire family, you are not part of that family and it's none of your business what their decisions are about anything.
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    TaraKeeleyTaraKeeley
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    She knows her dad is dying, and if she wants to rush the wedding, she will.

    Numbers mean nothing, anyway. They told us my dad had 6 months... he died the next day. So even if she rushes the wedding, he could still die before then. Morbid, but true. And imagine the devestation if she rushed this and didnt plan the wedding she "really" wanted in order to have her dad there, and he died beforehand anyway.

    I've also seen it go the other way. A friend of mine got married when her dad had terminal cancer. He outlived his expectancy. He got to see their wedding, buying their first house, and lots of other nice things. You never know. Let her make the call, though.
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    KellyBrian2013KellyBrian2013
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    In Response to Re:how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride?:[QUOTE]She knows her dad is dying, and if she wants to rush the wedding, she will.Numbers mean nothing, anyway. They told us my dad had 6 months... he died the next day. So even if she rushes the wedding, he could still die before then. Morbid, but true. And imagine the devestation if she rushed this and didnt plan the wedding she "really" wanted in order to have her dad there, and he died beforehand anyway.I've also seen it go the other way. A friend of mine got married when her dad had terminal cancer. He outlived his expectancy. He got to see their wedding, buying their first house, and lots of other nice things. You never know. Let her make the call, though. Posted by TaraKeeley[/QUOTE]

    All of this. DH's neighbor was at my shower in late June and looked great. She died two weeks ago, diagnosed with terminal cancer in July and missed our wedding because she just wasn't feeling well enough to attend. Another family friend was given "three months, perhaps six at the most" after being diagnosed with an aggressive cancer; he lived almost 4 years beyond expected. My MOHs uncle got sick right before her wedding in July and skyped them from the hospital. They expected a full recovery. She called me last week to say he'd taken a turn for the worst and they were thinking her only had a few weeks left. He died the following day. Doctors can only guess, and since they don't even know the whole story, its impossible for you to know. She and her FI will do what they feel is right for their family.
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    shine882007shine882007
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-suggest-a-rushed-wedding-to-a-greiving-bride?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec612a87-6eb9-4797-b082-e7a437e9a1f2Post:1e0aee76-12fb-41fe-8f5c-67a1faa7bebb">Re: how to suggest a rushed wedding to a greiving bride?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Only thing I DISAGREE with you guys on is that I need to "mind my own business"  She's my best friend, and her parents consider me another daughter. So, it kind of is MY business.  <strong>Trouble is that she is being vauge and distant every time I bring up wedding stuff,</strong> even before her dad was getting really bad.  Its a tough time for all of us, but her family is like family to me too.  Like I said,  I wont be the one to bring it up, and I wont let the other girl say anything either.... but I will let her know I am here for her no matter what and that she doesnt need to be afraid to call me about anything.
    Posted by mrslawton[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Maybe she is not concerned with her wedding right now and wants to focus on her father.  Don't bring up the wedding with her, let her bring it up to you.  If she wants to talk wedding talk, she'll let you know.</div>
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Wow, OP makes me sick. Do not presume to tell her what to do. Do not make this about you. Being close to her and her family matters NOTHING. This is not in any way, shape, or form about you or what you would do.

    Tara makes an excellent point - she could move up the wedding and STILL have her father not make it. Unless you've been in her shoes you have no idea what impossible decisions she's facing, and making any suggestions that she do anything differently WILL come off as a judgment.

    If any one of my friends pulled a move like that on me (my mom died of cancer 2 months before my wedding even though she promised she'd be there), it would have been a friendship-ending move on their part.
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