Sister/bridesmaid problems

Re: Sister/bridesmaid problems

• GretchenLaRoux

  

  May 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sisterbridesmaid-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3f51ae2d-3e6f-40f6-b595-800597e341e9Post:e4ea8488-c618-4202-a52c-36a92f5047bf">Sister/bridesmaid problems</a>:
  [QUOTE]I have two problems that I need advice with. I'm planning on asking my three best friends, my sister and a cousin of mine that I am really close to to be my bridesmaids. The first problem is my sister is a maid of honor zilla, I witnessed it first hand during our step-brother's wedding when his fiance, who happened to be one of my sister's friends asked her to be the maid of honor. She turned into a maid of honor zilla and it caused A LOT of drama that caused my sister and step-brother to stop talking for several months after the wedding. She also lives several states away from me and since I'm going to be doing a lot of DIY if she is going to help with that I would have to supervise her, because I don't trust her to change the DIY things to how she wants it based on past experience so it would be difficult. Everyone keeps telling me she should be maid of honor though, but I feel the maid of honor should be someone who isn't going to turn into a zilla and <strong>will actually be doing a lot of work on the wedding with me.</strong> My three best friends don't live near by either, the closest is about 4 hours away but my cousin lives in the same town as me. Therefore I plan on asking my cousin to be the maid of honor since I feel like she should get credit for all the work she is going to be putting into the wedding for me by helping to make things since she lives literally two streets away from me. I haven't told anyone my plan, when people ask me about who will be maid of honor I just say I haven't decided yet and I usually get told well it should be your sister. I know my three best friends will not care about being maid of honor, but I'm afraid my sister is going to start drama over the fact she will not be maid of honor. I'm planning on telling everyone that I'm picking my cousin just because she is in the same town as me and is helping with most of the work to make things and then having my sister stand in the spot right next to my cousin so she knows she is important to me as well, I'm not going to bring up the zilla stuff that will open a can of worms I don't want open. I just wanted some thoughts on this. The other thing is I have another sister who past away in a car accident a few years ago. We were always super close going up, much closer then I am with my sister who is still alive, and we always talked about how we would be in each others weddings and I want to honor that during the wedding. My idea is to have one more groomsmen then bridesmaids and then after the first pair of bridesmaid/groomsman walk having the extra groomsman walk by himself. Then having the bridesmaids stand so there is an empty spot where my sister would had stood during the wedding. To help explain this I'm planning on placing her name in the program as a bridesmaid and making a note that she is there in spirit but the people I have told about this to say its stupid and confusing and I should just make a special note in the program for her and leave it at that. My guy though doesn't have a problem with it and he has a cousin who he wanted as a groomsman and his cousin has no problem walking by himself and has even stated he was going to loop his arm as if someone was walking on his arm like the other guys, but now I'm starting to doubt the idea because of the comments some of my friends have said about it. When they say it will just be confusing having one of the groomsman walk by himself and leaving an empty spot for my sister I explain that I'm going to list her in the program as a bridesmaid and make a note she is just there in spirit besides everyone who is going to be invited to the wedding knows my sister past away and that we were close and I'm just told that no one reads the programs so it'll just be confusing. Any ideas?
  Posted by hollybug84[/QUOTE]
  
  Holy wall of text, batman. Okay, I'm going to try to respond to some things in order.
  
  1) This is irrelevant. Your MOH should be the person you feel closest to, not the person who will help you with the most stuff. It's an honor, not a job. If you want to do a bunch of DIY stuff, that's your call, but know that nobody but you and your FI are responsible for getting them done.
  
  2) I think the empty space for your sister is a sweet gesture, but probably would be confusing. A note in the program about it would be perfectly fine.

  

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• JaxInBlue member

  

  May 2012

  Ditto Gretchen.  Your MOH should be your nearest and dearest - the person you would call immediately to share your most important news, good or bad.  It should not be the person with the most time, money or energy to do things for your wedding.  The only responsibilities your bridal party (either side) has are to show up in the appropriate attire - provided its within the budget you asked them for - smile for pictures, and maybe hold rings or bouquets, sign licenses or hold your train.  If you need help doing wedding stuff beyond what you and your FI can do and what is offered/volunteered, either have fewer DIY projects or hire someone.
  
  I think the gesture to your sister is well-meaning, but I would also leave it at a note in a program and maybe something like a locket or picture tucked into your dress or bouquet.  You don't want to do something that would make people uncomfortable or upset on what is intended to be a happy day.  If people are already expressing confusion or discomfort, this might be a signal that the idea may not have the memorial effect you want and could make your day feel sad.  Those closest to you will probably already be struggling with her absence.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• zizibet member

  

  May 2012

  I don't think you should do the bridesmaid thing with your sister. I can relate, my sister died of cancer several years ago and I miss her, and wish she was here to be in my wedding. I do understand why you want to do this. However, many of your guests are likely to find it either confusing and/or upsetting-especially your mom. Mine for example would absolutely not be able to handle such a public reminder of her loss on what's supposed to be a joyous day.
      I am however having an extra MOH bouquet made which I will place on her grave the day after the ceremony, and I'm doing a bouquet charm which I'll carry on the day. I absolutely think you shouls have a reminder, I just think you should keep it fairly private.

  

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• hollybug84 member

  

  May 2012

  Thank you everyone for the advice. We are just starting to plan things and while I'm so happy, it seems overwhelming at times. I'll have to still think over the maid of honor spot, but I do have time so I'm just going to stop worrying about it for right now.
  
  zizibet I love the idea of having an extra bouquet made up and taking it to her grave. My Mom did call me this morning and asked if she could make my garter and place her picture on it, kind  of like a cameo, and then she said she would make me another one to be thrown. I guess she did this for my sister's best friend and didn't tell any of us because she didn't know how we would feel about it but she decided to tell me about it to see if I would like that. I think I'm going to go with the garter and having an extra bouquet made up and taking it to her grave.
  
  Thanks again everyone.
  
  

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