Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning

LyannaStark · March 2013

So here I am lurking like I usually do and I keep thinking about how many of these wedding related things I hadn't even heard of, and/or found completely baffling, before I started reading these boards and whatnot. And I really mean baffled - not offended or scandalized or disgusted or anything, just, wow, I had no idea that was a Thing. I'm sure we all have them, right?

- I'm 37 years old and I have been to exactly one wedding reception with assigned seating. In my mind it was only for the fanciest pantsiest of weddings, I had no idea it was a pretty standard thing in some places.

- I am completely baffled by reception after-parties because I thought the whole point was "That was fun! We're married! Let's go to our fancy hotel room and have sex!" I know people want to visit with friends from out of town etc - it's pretty much the only reason we're having a big-ish wedding in the first place - but you know. Not that night.

- Reception dresses. The whole point is that this is the prettiest most expensive dress I will ever own, and I have a set number of hours that I can wear it, ever, so I'm going to wear the shiiite out of it.

- More people than I ever imagined really like displaying/employing photos of themselves kissing. Go figure.

Anyone? Bueller?

GoodLuckBear14 · March 2013

Personal Attendants which are apparently mandatory by law in Minnesota.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

I was never one of those girls who 'always dreamed of her wedding *sigh*', so I was pretty clueless when I started. The boards freakin saved my life, in regards to how to conduct a wedding. From start to finish, I pretty much only had a general idea of what was supposed to happen.

The more I read here though, the more comfortable with doing my own wedding that I became. I feel rather proud of all the thought and research that went into it. My Dad still raves to this day about my wedding, and he's not a touchy feely guy.

HobokensFury · March 2013

I had no idea people actually brought boxed gifts to weddings before I came here. I always thought they were for showers only.

Knottie_22382102 · March 2013

honeymoon registeries.

radleyboo · March 2013

Never heard of honeymoon registries, the money tree, a 50/50 raffle at a wedding, things of that nature.

AJuliaNJ · March 2013

I had no idea that PPD's were so rude. I wouldn't have planned one, but if a friend mentioned they were going to do it, I probably would have said, "great idea!" I would have thought nothing of attending one. Actually, I still wouldn't really have a problem with it; I'd just be more aware that it isn't proper etiquette.

tlc35 · March 2013

I also noticed that most weddings I have been to have open seating and I think it is a regional thing. I can only remember 2 weddings I have been to with assigned tables. One was in Florida and one was in PA. I have never been to a local/Gulf Coast area wedding with assigned seating.

StephJean83 · March 2013

I've always encountered the opposite with assigned seating, only been to one with open seating. The couple did that because they were having guests call and say they weren't coming/were coming/weren't coming now. They had a lot of people show up for their ceremony and leave because they weren't doing a potluck dinner in the church hall.

StephJean83 · March 2013

Stage, I have been hearing about people who have sex prior to getting will "give up sex" for a period of time prior, anywhere from 2 months to 1 year. I actually had friends ask when FH and I are giving up sex before the wedding and I say, he will get sex 5 times before our wedding once we get to 2014, anniversary, V Day, my bday, 4th of July and his bday.

B2Z728 · March 2013

I had never heard of a money dance, personal attendants, or most regional customs that are not customary in the North East. ETA: Oh, and cash registries - but that probably goes along with the thought that 99% of wedding guests in my area give monetary gifts at weddings.

applejambutter · March 2013

I had never been to a wedding with assigned seating.

and sadly only been to one wedding with a dj and dancing and that was in Georgia... Dang Utah!

Also I had never thought twice about tiered weddings. I think also being in Utah did that.

Angelface225 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_customtraditionetiquette-you-had-no-freaking-idea-about-before-you-started-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:49e9a0fc-6776-47fd-9a18-895ac47127aePost:cf6d9c19-0f30-4f6e-badd-15259d79847a">Re:Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning : See, no offense in any way, but this approach makes no sense to me. I don't see withholding sex as making it more "special". <strong> It makes every day life more frustrating, and the sex less satisfying.</strong> To me, it's like saying working out is more satisfying after taking a long break from going to the gym. It's not. You can't do as much, you can't do it for as long, and you're way more sore afterwards. I mean, TMI warning, but when I go a long period of time between sex, not only do I stop WANTING it at much, but it's less ENJOYABLE. It's that uncomfortable 'first time" feeling again, it doesn't last as long, and one of us is far more likely to get a cramp or kink or muscle spasm.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I'm going to be stressed out enough before the wedding without adding sexual frustration to the mix!! FI has already joked that its the only way he'll get me to fall asleep the night before the wedding!!

applejambutter · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_customtraditionetiquette-you-had-no-freaking-idea-about-before-you-started-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:49e9a0fc-6776-47fd-9a18-895ac47127aePost:3567fc25-9b5a-43e0-9477-5119b0f1db8d">Re: Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning : Tiered reception like where some people get invited to the dinner portion and others get to come later for the dancing?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

more like there is almost never a "ceremony"
I've only been to one and it was the one in Georgia.
everyone else gets to go to the dinner and sit.

usually the reception is just some good and receiving line.

Angelface225 · March 2013

Head tables, but it makes total sense to me. I hated the wedding I went to where my SO was a GM and I had to sit alone! But everyone around here does it! I'm looking forward to our sweetheart table and having a tiny bit of time with FI alone that day!

StephJean83 · March 2013

I totally get that part of it, the not wanting it, uncomfortable and doesn't last as long. I guess for me, the "specialness" of it will be that it is our first time married. I will say that I think each couple needs to make the decision that works for them, whether it is to abstain before or not.

applejambutter · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_customtraditionetiquette-you-had-no-freaking-idea-about-before-you-started-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:49e9a0fc-6776-47fd-9a18-895ac47127aePost:ec9804c3-c164-4ba2-846d-305f7e13c2ee">Re: Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning : That isn't a tiered reception. It's a private ceremony with a larger reception, which isn't actually against etiquette at all.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

you're right.

Where does the line get drawn for a tiered wedding and just a private ceremony?

applejambutter · March 2013

I guess I had never heard of a wedding where everyone goes to the ceremony.

GoodLuckBear14 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_customtraditionetiquette-you-had-no-freaking-idea-about-before-you-started-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:49e9a0fc-6776-47fd-9a18-895ac47127aePost:271af4d5-88f7-4c38-aae6-f542da35c0f4">Re: Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I had never heard of a wedding where everyone goes to the ceremony.
Posted by applejambutter[/QUOTE]

Just out of curiosity are you Mormon? From what I understand, someone like me (a Catholic) would never be allowed to witness the actual ceremony.

AJuliaNJ · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_customtraditionetiquette-you-had-no-freaking-idea-about-before-you-started-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:49e9a0fc-6776-47fd-9a18-895ac47127aePost:271af4d5-88f7-4c38-aae6-f542da35c0f4">Re: Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I had never heard of a wedding where everyone goes to the ceremony.
Posted by applejambutter[/QUOTE]

Are they Mormon weddings? I know only certain people are even ALLOWED to be in the temple for those. I'm just guessing due to you living in Utah, but I don't want to assume anything.

StephJean83 · March 2013

In Response to Re:Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning:[QUOTE]Tiered reception like where some people get invited to the dinner portion and others get to come later for the dancing?nbsp; Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

My FFIL has said that he plans on inviting a bunch of people to the dancing part of our reception if it is in the town he lives. My FH has 2 groups of people on his list that are "maybes" for the whole wedding but "definates" for the dancing part, ones for if the wedding is where we live and one in his hometown. I've expressed to my FH that I don't want either, his group or his dad's. Right now, his parents are still set on a partial cash bar and it won't cost anything because they will buy their own drinks.

applejambutter · March 2013

I'm not but everyone else I know is.
I would never be able to go to a temple marriage but I know people have ceremony's and I wouldn't say they are just immediate family and everyone else goes to the reception too.

so that would be tiered? I think I am now just confusing myself.

LyannaStark · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_customtraditionetiquette-you-had-no-freaking-idea-about-before-you-started-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:49e9a0fc-6776-47fd-9a18-895ac47127aePost:dc5f06fe-844c-4756-8db6-aca265d46938">Re:Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning</a>:
[QUOTE]The putting the garter on the winner of the bouquet and or dancing together thing. Never heard of it before TK. Having "songs" for every single activity. I have never been to a wedding with a cake cutting song or songs for the tosses. I thought "grand exits" from receptions were pretty universal. And for the record, I think "wedding night sex" is a huge deal when you are celibate, but for those of us who boff our grooms 2 to 3 times a week, sex on the wedding night is just sex. Although, I scheduled time BETWEEN our reception and the unofficial "after party" for sex, and then we had sex again AFTER we got back to the hotel at 2am, so I may be full of crap.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I didn't know about the garter thing either. I thought it was already skeevy enough as it is, but that's just, I can't imagine anything more awkward, holy cow.</div><div>
</div><div>And I don't know, it just seems like that's what you're supposed to do after your wedding. Not that it's "special" necessarily, it just seems like the first thing you do, especially when everyone's all fancy and drunk and you just stood in front of everyone you know to say "no really, I like this person the best, for absolute ever." Plus it will be a great party but dear lord I'll be ready to just be alone together by the end of the day. </div><div>
</div><div>But the point is I thought that's what the grand exit was all about, "oh you crazy kids, thanks for the booze, now go be newlyweds!" And also yeah, we just really like having sex. That's what we'd be doing after a big party anyway. </div>

applejambutter · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_customtraditionetiquette-you-had-no-freaking-idea-about-before-you-started-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:49e9a0fc-6776-47fd-9a18-895ac47127aePost:e0047d06-9b6e-4106-bd32-dab29a642c0f">Re: Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning</a>:
[QUOTE]A tiered reception is where some people are invited to the dinner portion (and usually the ceremony) and others are invited to come later, so that they are there for the dancing portion, but the B&G don't have to pay to feed them. As long as everyone invited to the ceremony is invited to the reception, and as long as everyone invited to the reception is invited to ALL of it (whether it's a 4 course meal or just cake and punch), it's technically not rude. Now that being said, most of the time this is only REALLY not rude if the ceremony is very small. So, inviting 60 people to the ceremony and reception and then 40 to just the reception is rude because it makes those 40 feel "second class". However, inviting 20 people to the ceremony and 130 to just the reception for a total guestlist of 150 is okay because you are truly interested in a small, private ceremony and a big party. Does that make sense at all?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

yes, that is perfect. Thank you!

I was thinking it had to be if 40 people went to the ceremony only those 40 people could go to the reception and if you invited 80 to the reception it was tiered

KatWAG · March 2013

I didnt know the whole story behind the "somethings" I didnt know that your something blue was supposed to be showing. So blue undies dont really count. Something new was supposed to have never ever been worn, as in not even tried on. So your wedding gown doesnt count. etc.

misshart00 · March 2013

In Response to Re:Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning:[QUOTE]I didnt know the whole story behind the quot;somethingsquot; I didnt know that your something blue was supposed to be showing. So blue undies dont really count. Something new was supposed to have never ever been worn, as in not even tried on. So your wedding gown doesnt count. etc. Posted by KatWAG[/QUOTE]

I haven't heard of this. Will you explain?

LyannaStark · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_customtraditionetiquette-you-had-no-freaking-idea-about-before-you-started-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:49e9a0fc-6776-47fd-9a18-895ac47127aePost:a461ae46-198c-445f-bce4-c2fe1aac0cc5">Re:Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning</a>:
[QUOTE]I also noticed that most weddings I have been to have open seating and I think it is a regional thing. I can only remember 2 weddings I have been to with assigned tables. One was in Florida and one was in PA. I have never been to a local/Gulf Coast area wedding with assigned seating.
Posted by tlc35[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Right??? At first I thought I was crazy, because FI is from here but lived on the west coast for 10 years, so every wedding he'd been to in his adult life had a seating chart. So I started asking around, because like PPs I had no freaking clue about weddings before I had to plan one, and my 65-year-old born-and-raised New Orleanian coworker has been to exactly zero weddings with assigned seating. In her life. This is a woman with 10 siblings and 8 siblings-in-law and billion neices and nephews. So that's what sold me. I'm a little worried about the CA folks thinking it's sort of trashy, but hey, they came here for a New Orleans experience and that's just how we do it here! It's a party, not an airplane. </div><div>
</div><div>Obviously if you're doing a plated dinner there's no way around it, that makes sense, but plated dinners aren't a Thing around here either. The most expensive wedding I've probably ever been to is my brother's, whose wife's family are gazillionaires, and even that was buffet/sit where you want. </div><div>
</div><div>I've seen the Money Dance (tacky and awkward and GET THAT SAFETY PIN AWAY FROM MY DRESS) but didn't know what a 50/50 was until like yesterday. That's so, so weird.</div>

misshart00 · March 2013

In Response to Re:Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning:In Response to Re:Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning: I haven't heard of this. Will you explain?Posted by misshart00She's talking about the literal purpose of the "somethings". nbsp;Sorry if the format is all wonky, but I just wrote this out for a PM recently so I'm just going to Camp;P it.Something old represents carrying your family and heritage into a new generation, so it should be something passed down through at least a couple of generations of your family, preferably on your mother's side.Something new represents your new independence and the brand new life you will be building with your husband. nbsp;So, it should be something never worn or used before by ANYONE to preserve the "purity' of it's new state.Something borrowed should be borrowed from a woman who has a happy or successful marriage that you would like to emulate. nbsp;This allows you to "borrow" some of her luck or happiness to begin your marriage with.Something blue was designed to ward offnbsp;mischievousnbsp;spirits so they would not kidnap the bride to steal her dress nbsp;and leave her naked in the woods other variations involve demons and kidnapping the bride for their own, but the whole "blue is a protective color" thing is constant. nbsp;That means that it should be worn where it is either plainly visible or easy to make visible. nbsp;i.e. shoes would totally count, even if your dress covers them. nbsp;Underwear, maybe not so much since it would be hard to quickly flash them at a naughty woodsprite hellbent on stealing your dress. nbsp;:A penny/fivepence/sixpence in your shoe is so that you carry a bit of wealth into the marriage, making it more likely for you and your husband to have a comfortable and prosperous living.nbsp;With the exception of the "something blue", all of these items should be IN ADDITION to basic "bridal attire". nbsp;If you wouldn't walk down the aisle without it, then it's necessary and therefore cannot be an extra talisman of sorts. nbsp;So, dress, shoes, veil don't work, but garter, jewelry, etc would. nbsp;The blue is an exception because it isn't the sentimentality or any sort of "magic" that makes it work. nbsp;Wearing a blue wedding dress will scare off bogarts and demons just as well as wearing a white dress with a small blue pin or whatever. nbsp; Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I've never heard that but it's really cool. Thanks for sharing. Makes me kind of wish I had done them now.

tlc35 · March 2013

;I've seen the Money Dance tacky and awkward and GET THAT SAFETY PIN AWAY FROM MY DRESS but didn't know what a 50/50 was until like yesterday. That's so, so weird. Posted by LyannaStark[/QUOTE] Totally with you on this as well!

TKzilla · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_customtraditionetiquette-you-had-no-freaking-idea-about-before-you-started-planning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:49e9a0fc-6776-47fd-9a18-895ac47127aePost:cf6d9c19-0f30-4f6e-badd-15259d79847a">Re:Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning : See, no offense in any way, but this approach makes no sense to me. I don't see withholding sex as making it more "special". It makes every day life more frustrating, and the sex less satisfying. <strong>To me, it's like saying working out is more satisfying after taking a long break from going to the gym. It's not. You can't do as much, you can't do it for as long, and you're way more sore afterwards</strong>. I mean, TMI warning, but when I go a long period of time between sex, not only do I stop WANTING it at much, but it's less ENJOYABLE. It's that uncomfortable 'first time" feeling again, it doesn't last as long, and one of us is far more likely to get a cramp or kink or muscle spasm.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This made me laugh so loud I scared the baby!

</div>

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

In Response to Re:Custom/tradition/etiquette you had no freaking idea about before you started planning:[QUOTE]The putting the garter on the winner of the bouquet and or dancing together thing. Never heard of it before TK.

Having "songs" for every single activity. I have never been to a wedding with a cake cutting song or songs for the tosses.

I thought "grand exits" from receptions were pretty universal.

And for the record, I think "wedding night sex" is a huge deal when you are celibate, but for those of us who boff our grooms 2 to 3 times a week, sex on the wedding night is just sex.

Although, I scheduled time BETWEEN our reception and the unofficial "after party" for sex, and then we had sex again AFTER we got back to the hotel at 2am, so I may be full of crap. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

No no Stage, it's totes different sex, even if you've been sleeping together already. It's really REALLY tired sex. I'm talking 'just climbed Kilimanjaro', here. We gave each other the weakest high five ever for mustering up energy for wedding night nookie. It was pathetic :p.

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