Announcing our engagement to his family

lynnyloo · December 2009

A little background, we are both in our late 20s, living together for a little under 1 year, and dated for 1 1/2 yrs, we are a multi-racial couple with my fiance being Vietnamese. We got engaged on Thanksgiving and announced it to my parents and close family then as well. We have yet to announce it to his family. I am letting my fiance take the lead on that and recently asked him about when we should tell them. He said on New Year's. I prompted him a little with, " this New Year's weekend or Chinese New Year?" I don't feel that I want to push the issue, but also do want to start the planning and get an idea for guest lists and budget. I need to talk to him specifically about those reasons for announcing. Is there anything I may be missing culturally though (announcing at a certain time, etc.)?

nataliem.22 · December 2009

I'm not familiar at all with any cultures, but I would think they might get offended if you wait much longer. You'll announce your engaged and have to tell them it happened nearly 2 months ago. I would sure be offended if any of my family did that, but again different culture, he must know his family well enough to know when to announce it.. Although I'm really not sure what he's waiting for.

BrideMariah · December 2009

I don't know much about Vietnemese culture, but I don't think the Chinese New Year is necessarily relevent to Vietnemese. Try to use this New Year's and be honest with them, but tactful. Tell that when you were engaged and that you wanted to wait until the New Year Holiday to tell them. Keep it that simple. It won't hurt their feelings, and it will feel like a little present to them. If you haven't told many people at all, then tell them that you were waiting for the right moment to tell them, and that New Year's feels right, and that you were waiting until AFTER you tell them to make the grand announcement to everyone else. Remember though, honesty is the best policy. It hurts less feelings in the end.

OR, the two of you can stage a surprise re-enactment for them! Be honest with them, tell them that something happened that you want to tell them about, but tell them you want to SHOW them...then reenact it. I think that could be very special to them. Surprising and special.

Good luck! and congrats.

Pirata13 · December 2009

Tell them now. Much of Fi's family & friends knew we were basically engaged (without the ring) and it's a good thing the families don't live in the same town, because my family DEFINITELY would have found out before we made it official with my Grandma's ring. So yeah, before word starts to spread, tell them yourselves.

lisabeavers · January 2010

You may be heading in the right direction, by assuming it may be cultural, but you'll never know unless you ask him directly-only he has the answer to that.

Cray.anita · January 2010

Has he indicated a reason he wants to wait? My fiance waited almost a month to tell his family, however he told me why. His mother is deceased and his older sister is very controlling, he wanted the major plans in place before we announced it to his side of the family so there would be less drama. In the end it worked out best for us. It could also be cultural. I would just talk to him about the reasons why....

PDXMartha · January 2010

I'm not aware of Chinese New Year's being a reason to wait 2 ore more months to tell one's family they're engaged.
I could of course, be wrong as many people celebrate differently.
My Chinese-American fiance called his family to tell them within moments of us getting back within cell phone range (he proprosed on top of a mountain).
I would consider it a huge red flag to not want to tell one's parents they are engaged. It's a huge deal and assuming a healthy - or even not healthy - relationship, most people want to tell their family when something so big happens. Is he hiding something from them? Perhaps they know something about him that you don't.
You do have cultures to consider - his family may be expecting to pay for a Chinese reception including all their friends and you may be thinking 300 people neither of you know is not ideal.
Good luck either way!

vitamint · January 2010

Good luck! My FI is ABC. He called and texted his family before I even had a chance to call my mom. I think you should talk to him about why he wants to wait... maybe his mother is controlling? unhappy if you aren't vietnamese? whatever- but you need to get it out on the table. In the beginning before I met FI family, I often joke to FI- I am not getting any chineser:) so lets just get it over with.... it worked out fine but the longer you wait, the harder it will be to explain.

vitamint · January 2010

you also mayt want to post this to the chinese or vietnamese cultural board- they were pretty helpful when I had a cultural question.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

Like PP, I would find it troublesome that he's putting off telling his family. If it were a cultural thing, he would have explained it, rather than shutting you down.

The two of you need to have a conversation about this. If you aren't comfortable talking to him about annoucing your engagement to his family, you probably need to think about some pre-wedding counselling soon.

jlwoolery1 · January 2010

my fiance didn't have the ring yet and wanted to wait to tell his family until he did.....I let him wait a month before i got him to tell them. It wasn't cultura, although his family is a bit different.

faydre · January 2010

My fiancee is Indian, (not vietnamese either), he also announced our engagement, at the first opportunity.

This is definately a time for open, honest, communication, without pointing a finger, blaming or getting upset.

If he hasn't told them yet, it is definately your right to know why. Perhaps he's afraid of their reaction, or perhaps he doesn't think that telling them is as important as you think it is... who knows really! Inter-racial/cultural relationships can bring these sorts of problems. I know that in my case, there was definately a bit of fear in telling everyone in my family because (very sadly) some of my familiy members (not immediate family) are pretty southern and racist.

...

At any rate, keep calm and push for an honest answer, while maintaining your cool. Learning to communicate calmly and honestly is one of the best things you can do for your relationship.

lynnyloo · January 2010

Thanks for all the replies. I have talked to my fiance about announcing it to his parents. He is not trying to hide anything from his parents. We just recently got the ring over the holidays. So I haven't even announced it to anybody in the area we live. Actually, the only ones we told were my parents when he called to ask for their blessing and my sister.

Thanks for the concerns and suggestions. We have been very open with each other and I know one of our concerns about announcing it to his entire family is that his sister is very manipulative and quite the "princess". We have decided to tell his parents next weekend when we go over for dinner, before his sister arrives. Then once we have told them, we will tell her.

Announcing our engagement to his family

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