SO and quitting smoking...

kaylenelizabeth · June 2010

So, long story short I was a smoker when SO and I met. He knew this and encouraged me to quit. I did, for about 2 months, but then had a few things come up that were stressful for me, him and our relationship. I fell off the wagon and bought a pack, and I am now trying to quit again, but SO is having a hard time dealing with the relapse.

Any advice? He said that me saying I'm trying to quit but stil smoking is reminding him of his mom, who passed away from alcoholism-related problems. Apparently she used to say she was trying to quit while pouring another glass....I feel just absolutely awful about it but it doesn't help me quit any, it just makes me sad.

I've quit before more than once so I know I can do it, I just need to do it for myself and not him (read: deal with myself about it). I'm having a hard time with him always trying to talk to me about it and "encourage" me, it's just overkill at this point. When do I have time to deal with myself on it if he's trying to talk to me about it all the time?

It's not a big deal, but has come up a lot lately and is making me overthink it.

Anyone who has quit have any advice?

catemeg · June 2010

My boyfriend quit when he and I first met. Have you talked to a doctor? At the least, it can help you feel like it's a medically necessary process rather than a personal decision. If you're accountable to your doctor, then it might give you added incentive. Plus he can prescribe some of those medicines/patches/gum that help make the process easier.

Good luck! I'm sure it's difficult, and I admire you for trying. I'm sure he's just frustrated, as are you, so just sit down and try to find a way together that he can help you rather than add stress, which doesn't help at all.

dwest2201 · June 2010

I have no advice for quiting as I was never a smoker. I know some people who have had a really hard time quitting and others (one who smoked a pack a day) who quit cold turkey without too many cravings, crankiness or headaches.

Advice for dealing with the SO though, I would say try to be polite because him wanting you to quit probably goes beyond him thinking its a gross habit and he is probably genuinely concerned about your health as well. I know that him riding you is frustrating, but try to be understanding of how you would be if the tables were turned. Tell him that you appreciate it and give him a timeline that you want to give yourself to worry about quitting on your own without him reminding you about it. Give yourself enough time to do adn hold yourself accountable... know that once the time is up he will expect you to have quit of go back to reminding you about it though.

Good Luck!

jeanacorina · June 2010

I have never smoked, but I do have advice for your problem with your SO. Just sit him down and thank him (very heartfelt) for his support with your goal of quitting. He's obviously trying very hard to help you the only way he knows how.

I had to tell my husband very frankly that although I really appreciate his intentions when he talks about my last big round with depression (many years ago, yay!), and I know he only brings it up because he's proud of me for getting through that, I need him to stop talking about it.

I need to be here, in the present, and looking forward to the future. Talking about a very difficult, very sad, very "rock bottom" part of my life doesn't make me proud or happy or help my self-esteem. It reminds me of how I felt at that time, and the hopelessness and the feeling that life was impossible. I don't want to feel that and I don't ever want to go back to that place, so I need him to be proud of me TODAY. Tell me I'm wonderful and strong and a great person RIGHT NOW. Don't talk about 6 years ago. I can't handle that.

He was confused at first, because he really meant well and he IS very proud of me, but he understood that it wasn't having the effect he wanted. So, he has started bringing up what he's proud of NOW instead, which is much more helpful and motivates me instead of bringing me down.

I guess the short version would be come up with another way your SO can help you and keep you motivated. Ask him to do that instead of talking about smoking. Explain why, be very kind about it. Don't forget to thank him.

LizzyTish88 · June 2010

I really don't have good advice but I can tell you the other side of it. When BF and I were together about 4 years ago, I found out that he had been lying and smoking behind my back for 8 months. I found out around the time that my grandmother had been diagnosed for lung cancer. I was all over him about it and we had daily huge fights about it. All I wanted was for him to quit. Especially when my grandmother passed. He came to the wake/funeral and saw the whole family in pain and he couldn't quit because it was just too hard for him. He did eventually quit on his own once I stopped pestering him about it.

This past Feb. my grandfather, the passed grandmother's husband, passed of lung cancer as well. We were going to his house everyday and saw him decay (morbid I know but there's no other way to put it) until he passed. The smoking issue came up again between BF and I and he told me that he was glad I was all over him to quit because he knew that I cared, but that he just needed to work at it alone. He then also told me how glad he was that he did quit. I was so proud of him.

With all that being said, have the conversation with your SO. I'm sure he will understand that as much as you appreciate what he is doing and saying that this is something you will just have to crack on your own. I'm sure you'll be able to and we will all be here for support with out pushing as well.

Ana_2985 · June 2010

I am/was not a smoker so I don't really know anything about quitting. I agree that you talk to a doctor or someone who has done it before to find out what you can do. There's all kinds of things people use to help them quit these days. You just need to find one that works for you.

I can understand why stress would make you want to smoke. This may sound silly because it's not a substitute for nicotine, but you should try finding a new habit. For example, instead of taking a break from whatever is stressing you out to have a cigarette, make it a new habit to take a coffee or tea break. When I was finishing my thesis, I was really stressed and it was so helpful to take 15 minutes to sit down away from my computer with a cup of tea. That will help with the mental part of the addiction. If you try something like this in combination with something else (gum, patches, therapy) I think you'll have better luck.

Button5807 · June 2010

Both BF and I were smokers when we started dating. Over the years we've both tried unsucessfully to to quit. He ended up quitting for good last year and I've cut back a lot (4-6 a day down from a pack). I haven't been able to quit though because I'm just not ready. I know he he would like for me to quit for my health but bugging me about it is just going to make it worse. I believe 100% that you absolutely cannot quit until you are ready, you have to want to do it for yourself. Hearing from someone that you love that it's reminding them of a traumatizing event in their life just adds more pressure to the situation and I don't know about you but when I'm feeling stressed I tend to smoke more. Tell him to back off and that you need to do it for yourself.
My mother had some sucess with chantix when she decided she was ready to quit but said the side affects weren't worth it. She did end up going to a doctor and was finally able to quit after 30+ years of smoking.

loopy82 · June 2010

Warning possible not the best advice ahead - I would think it would be a heck of a lot easier to quit smoking in the winter when it is frigid and -20 gusting winds. I don't know how smoking trumps that weather for anyone. But then again I'm not a smoker. I see how it would be harder to quit in the summer. I've never been a smoker so I can't be of any true help.

kaylenelizabeth · June 2010

Thank you all for your support and advice....I talked to SO briefly on the phone about it this morning and he understands but is still very concerned about it.

I hadn't thought of talking to a doctor about it, but maybe I should? Last time I quit because I found out I was preg so that was a very easy way to quit :-). I ended up staying quit for 11 months though, so I'm positive I can do it. This time was only quit for 2 months, but I am positive I can do it again.

Thank you again!

ekathleen684 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_quitting-smoking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a121d83e-dd2b-450d-98d5-3e2e908d446cPost:7532301b-3b34-48a6-b92d-c50d2b17f9fa">Re: SO and quitting smoking...</a>:
[QUOTE]Both BF and I were smokers when we started dating. Over the years we've both tried unsucessfully to to quit. He ended up quitting for good last year and I've cut back a lot (4-6 a day down from a pack). I haven't been able to quit though because I'm just not ready. I know he he would like for me to quit for my health but bugging me about it is just going to make it worse. <strong>I believe 100% that you absolutely cannot quit until you are ready, you have to want to do it for yourself.</strong> Hearing from someone that you love that it's reminding them of a traumatizing event in their life just adds more pressure to the situation and I don't know about you but when I'm feeling stressed I tend to smoke more. Tell him to back off and that you need to do it for yourself. My mother had some sucess with chantix when she decided she was ready to quit but said the side affects weren't worth it. She did end up going to a doctor and was finally able to quit after 30+ years of smoking.
Posted by Button5807[/QUOTE]

I completely argree with Button,

I'm not sure about chantix either. My mom looked it up online and read about a woman yelling at her neighbor across the street for smoking on his porch, among other crazy angry outbursts. My mom is a bit of a yeller anyways so we decided it wasn't a good option for her. Have you tried a patch or gum? I'd talk to your doctor about the right option for you.

bethsmiles · June 2010

My grandparents quit cold turkey without any patches or gum or whatever. My grandpa just stopped buying cigarettes and my grandma replaced it with something healthy. Every time she wanted to smoke she just ate carrots or something instead. I think the process of quitting is probably different for everyone. But I agree with PPs that you have to want it for you and you have to be ready to. It can't be because someone else wants it.

catemeg · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_quitting-smoking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a121d83e-dd2b-450d-98d5-3e2e908d446cPost:62ab32f2-e775-48ce-a103-87dd6c919a3f">Re: SO and quitting smoking...</a>:
[QUOTE]My grandparents quit cold turkey without any patches or gum or whatever. My grandpa just stopped buying cigarettes and my grandma replaced it with something healthy. Every time she wanted to smoke she just ate carrots or something instead. I think the process of quitting is probably different for everyone. But I agree with PPs that you have to want it for you and you have to be ready to. It can't be because someone else wants it.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

I'm not a smoker, but if my motivation to not smoke was to eat carrots, I'd definitely still be smoking.

If eating carrots won't motivate me to stop eating chocolate mid-afternoon everyday, I doubt it would work on nicotine addiction.

Button5807 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_quitting-smoking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a121d83e-dd2b-450d-98d5-3e2e908d446cPost:d41c3abd-cac1-4212-ae7d-ffb2d3be409f">Re: SO and quitting smoking...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: SO and quitting smoking... : I'm not a smoker, but if my motivation to not smoke was to eat carrots, I'd definitely still be smoking. If eating carrots won't motivate me to stop eating chocolate mid-afternoon everyday, I doubt it would work on nicotine addiction.
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

For some people the oral fixation is the hardest part to get over, so be it carrots, gum or candy bars just having something in their mouth makes it easier. (quiet hetshup)

catemeg · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_quitting-smoking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a121d83e-dd2b-450d-98d5-3e2e908d446cPost:4a8ac8e7-3a12-49a5-b651-eb326a09ab84">Re: SO and quitting smoking...</a>:
[QUOTE] For some people the oral fixation is the hardest part to get over, so be it carrots, gum or candy bars just having something in their mouth makes it easier. (quiet hetshup)
Posted by Button5807[/QUOTE]

Candy or gum sound a lot more appealing than carrots.

Haha... 'oral fixation' reminds me of a funny story: made the mistake of telling people in my office that I don't like when meat has the bone in it. I said it was because I didn't like when I had bone in my mouth...

I'll NEVER live it down!

[Deleted User] · June 2010

I was a smoker for a long time and like most smokers I tried to quite a million times until it finally worked. I quit about 6 months ago and well...it' sucks to be quite honest. But this time I was ready to do it for me and was just sick of it. You need to talk to your BF and tell him that his constant pressure isn't helping and that you do want to quit but you have to do it in your own time. I wish you all the luck in the world because I know how hard it is. I still crave one every day but...I know it's not worth it and it's nice actually being able to walk up a flight of stairs and not lose my breath.

Oh, also want to add that the whole "I'm going to cut down and then stop" thing didn't work, at least for me. The only thing that worked for me was cold turkey. One day I just said I was done and threw them out.

bethsmiles · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_quitting-smoking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a121d83e-dd2b-450d-98d5-3e2e908d446cPost:d41c3abd-cac1-4212-ae7d-ffb2d3be409f">Re: SO and quitting smoking...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: SO and quitting smoking... : I'm not a smoker, but if my motivation to not smoke was to eat carrots, I'd definitely still be smoking. If eating carrots won't motivate me to stop eating chocolate mid-afternoon everyday, I doubt it would work on nicotine addiction.
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

Well it obviously worked for my grandma. and I didn't say that that was her solution but its an option and it doesn't have to be carrots just something instead of smoking.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

Carrots or something crunchy did actually help me alot. When I first quit I ate alot of carrots, celery, nuts... So definitly have those sorts of things on hand!

sapphirebaby926 · June 2010

Quitting smoking is really hard. I quite at least a dozen times but I wasn't really quitting because I wanted to so I always ended up picking it back up again. Once I finally decided that I wanted to quit and be a healthier person in general is the time I was able to actually do it. That was about 4 years ago. I still crave a cigarette every so often, usually when I'm drinking or around a lot of other people who are smoking.

You should go to a doctor and ask him for some options - I knew someone who used Chantrix and it worked well for her. You could also try patches or gum - I tried the gum once while I was quitting but it was nasty and I couldn't chew it so I ended up going cold turkey.

Try to explain to your BF that him pressuring you about it is not going to help you quit and that you need to do this on your own time and in your own way.

Quitting is one of the better decisions I've made and it's nice to be able to take a long walk or go up a flight of stairs without being winded. Also food tastes so much better now so that was a good incentive for me : )

Good luck!

desertsun · June 2010

Well, duh, Cate, carrots aren't MOTIVATION to quit smoking. It's an oral replacement. Geez.

Anything crunchy, or even keeping my Nalgene with me to have something to sip on, really helped me, as did tracking my food intake. Tracking food intake made me focus on being healthy, which made me want to smoke less.

I also went cold turkey. Just stopped buying them.

Although, my FI still smokes, and so do some of our friends, so I may have one or two when I'm around them still.

So, I'm not sure I count as a "quitter."

But I figure one or two a month HAS to be hella better than half a pack a day.

OP, I hope this helps. Work out a strategy you think will work for you, communicate it to your BF, ask him to do what you think will help, whether it's not talking about, or encouraging you when he sees you sticking to your plan, whatever. Good luck. I know it's hard, but you can do it!

[Deleted User] · June 2010

Good Luck quitting smoking - I'm thinking really good thoughts for you.

My BF smoked when we started dating - he knew before we started dating that if he was going to be with me, he was going to have to work toward quitting (I have asthma & the cig smoke is one of my top triggers). Our rule was he was not allowed to smoke around me (and actually I have never seen him smoke - never wanted to) and preferably that he didn't smoke within an hour of seeing me. I promised him I would never hound him, as long as he quit before we got married. He's thanked me many times for not hounding him about it; he tried a couple times to smoke less (he didn't like the gum or anything, so he actually bought a package of honey-lemon cough drops and it helped him to cut back some).

He was working a 2nd temp job for several months and made the decision that he was going to quit smoking after the 2nd job was over. I'm happy to say he quit about a month and a half ago (although he did admit to me that 2 weeks in he slipped on a stressful night at work and smoked one cig). He just quit cold turkey - there were a lot of tears shed (on my end) and he spent a lot of time apologizing while he was going through withdrawals, but I made sure that during that time (and since then) that I kept telling him how proud I was of him and that I knew his quitting told me that he cared enough about me to take care of himself.

I know this is horribly long, but I agree with everyone else - talk to SO and explain to him that it's not going to work if he's hounding you, but that you'll value his support when you do quit (and drop some not so subtle hints that while you're in the process of quitting, it would be nice if he made dinner, did the dishes, etc)

Narwhal · June 2010

Theoretically, statistically, etc., each cigarette take seven minutes off your life.

Idk how they test that though.

Also, oral fixation is supposed to be the beginning step in sexual maturation, according to Freud. Thats why babies put everything in their mouth and suck their thumbs/binkies. Freud was also full of crap though, so there's that.

My dad quit smoking when he realized that my grandmother (who never smoked a cigarette in her life) was/is dying of COPD because her husband smoke so much around her. He switched to tobacco, but he's not smoking. Haha.

Goldlie11 · June 2010

I'm late on this, but did you hide the fact that you started smoking? A family member did this to me and the deception is what hurt the most.

For me it's so hard to think that your loved one is killing themselves slowly. I seriously used to stay up at night worrying about a family member who was smoking.

Ironically, I used to smoke. I quit a while ago. I used to crave cigarettes but I fought it. One day, I gave in and bought a pack. One word came to mind... NASTY. I was totally grossed out. I haven't had one craving in over a year. So, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck to you.

PaigeMcC · June 2010

I just was reading thru and saw oral fixation.

My mind went blank and my advice ran away.... *giggle* sorry.

darkling_glory · June 2010

The other side to the coin is that people who have never smoked have no idea how hard it is to quit. I had quite a long relationship with smoking.

I had my first cigarette when I was 12 or 13 (both my parents smoked). Then, I would get them either by sneaking them from my parents or by buying them for a cigarette vending machine at the bowling alley or the holiday inn (classy right?). When I started dating FI, he freaked the eff out when he found out I smoked. I told him I'd quit for him.

But then we went to separate colleges and it was really easy to smoke behind his back. Eventually, he caught on and I quit again. And then started again. And then quit again. It was rough. What didn't help was him yelling at me about it! It made me want to go out and smoke half a pack just to prove that he couldn't tell me what to do! Once I told him that, he got it. He didn't want to be the reason I was smoking just like I didn't want him to be the reason I was quitting. If that makes any sense at all.

You have to stop smoking for you or it won't stick.

Eventually, I was able to stick with it. But it's still hard! And everyonce in a while, I'll have one with a beer or if I'm on vacation. But I haven't bought a pack for years and for all intents and purposes I am a non-smoker.

Hopefully my story will help!

hetshup · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_quitting-smoking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a121d83e-dd2b-450d-98d5-3e2e908d446cPost:4a8ac8e7-3a12-49a5-b651-eb326a09ab84">Re: SO and quitting smoking...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: SO and quitting smoking... : For some people the oral fixation is the hardest part to get over, so be it carrots, gum or candy bars just having something in their mouth makes it easier. (quiet hetshup)
Posted by Button5807[/QUOTE]

Oh C'mon. Why you gotta be that way?

Button5807 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_quitting-smoking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a121d83e-dd2b-450d-98d5-3e2e908d446cPost:6f0b9b2d-fcb3-4101-95b2-489fa9ce8a49">Re: SO and quitting smoking...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: SO and quitting smoking... : Oh C'mon. Why you gotta be that way?
Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

That's just how I roll.

hetshup · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_quitting-smoking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a121d83e-dd2b-450d-98d5-3e2e908d446cPost:8f404959-26eb-4fdc-a895-b22747a489c4">Re: SO and quitting smoking...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: SO and quitting smoking... : That's just how I roll.
Posted by Button5807[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry my klassiness leaves you to pearl clutching. I will try to tone it down.

dwest2201 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_quitting-smoking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:a121d83e-dd2b-450d-98d5-3e2e908d446cPost:5428a3dd-db8b-4580-9e61-abab19ecbee1">Re: SO and quitting smoking...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm late on this, but did you hide the fact that you started smoking? A family member did this to me and <strong>the deception is what hurt the most. </strong> For me it's so hard to think that your loved one is killing themselves slowly. I seriously used to stay up at night worrying about a family member who was smoking. Ironically, I used to smoke. I quit a while ago. I used to crave cigarettes but I fought it. One day, I gave in and bought a pack. One word came to mind... NASTY. I was totally grossed out. I haven't had one craving in over a year. So, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck to you.
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

This. BF used to dip occasionally... GAG!

Shortly after we started dating he told me he had done it whne mowing the grass or playing softball onlybut decided to quit because he knew I hated all forms of tobbacco. Recently I found a tin in his truck when I was being nice and vacuuming it out one day. He confessed that when he was in the fire academy and working he was really stressed and bought some. I was very hurt and I just walked away as he was saying he was sorry because I didn't even want to hear it. He came outside where I went back to cleaning the cars and was almost in tears, he said he was sorry and he hid it because he didn't want to let me down. What bothered me the most was that he chose not to tell me about something because he didn't want to upset me but it actually ended up hurting me and upsetting me in the end.

kaylenelizabeth · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_quitting-smoking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:a121d83e-dd2b-450d-98d5-3e2e908d446cPost:5428a3dd-db8b-4580-9e61-abab19ecbee1">Re: SO and quitting smoking...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm late on this, but did you hide the fact that you started smoking? A family member did this to me and the deception is what hurt the most. For me it's so hard to think that your loved one is killing themselves slowly. I seriously used to stay up at night worrying about a family member who was smoking. Ironically, I used to smoke. I quit a while ago. I used to crave cigarettes but I fought it. One day, I gave in and bought a pack. One word came to mind... NASTY. I was totally grossed out. I haven't had one craving in over a year. So, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck to you.
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

Nope, never hid it...actually, SO and I spent many "smoke" breaks together (he never has been a smoker, and never did, but I did and often would twice in a row when we first met since I was so damn nervous around him)....he's seen me smoke through ups and downs, and so he can be understanding of the drama that is quitting.

SO and quitting smoking...

Re: SO and quitting smoking...

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