Inviting all but one family member

twixinthemix · September 2010

So, I have a potential sticky situation.

We're working on our guest list, and we are planning on inviting some technically distant relatives (non-blood related aunt's siblings and their families). We all get together for holidays once or twice a year, so it's not like they are that distant. I see them more often than my cousins on the other side of the family!

Here's the problem: In one of the families, their youngest son, who is 21 now, has had a rough past with crime the past 3-4 years, mainly shoplifting, nothing violent. My parents refuse to invite him to the wedding, because they are worried about him stealing from the guests and having him at their house (reception is on my parents property). While I do agree that it's a very valid concern, I'm worried at how his parents might react when the rest of their children and their families are invited, but not him. The whole situation is a sore spot for them, I'm afraid it make it would open up the wound even worse. Should I call them to let them know about the decision?

I do care about this relative and pray for him often, but I don't want my parents to be worried or paranoid about him potentially stealing from my guests. When my cousin got married this past June, he wasn't there because he wasn't being released from jail for another week, so there's no precedent.

andy71781 · September 2010

Are your parents paying for the wedding?
Is there anyway they'd reconsider?

My dad (who paid and thus had say in the guest list) did not want to invite his half brother. I called his 1/2 brother's wife to explain but it was all very out in the open and not a "sore subject" that is a recognized problem.

I urge you to get your parents to reconsider this because it seems like a dramatic situation.

AmoroAgain · September 2010

That is so messed up. I understand their concerns, but damn. Is he trying to go get on the straight and narrow now or is he just going on his merry way? I'd be prepared for some family members to be really upset by this and not attend.

squirrly · September 2010

If he's making efforts to improve, I'd talk it over with your parents and see if they'd be willing to reconsider. If not, then I understand their position.

Are they close to your aunt and uncle? Since this is their decision, I really feel like if someone is going to have a conversation on the subject, it should probably be them.

tenofcups4me · September 2010

I'd either call the aunt to let her know or ask your parents to do it, depending on who's closer to her. Who's paying is irrelevant. It's their house and they're certainly entitled to say that they don't want a known thief in it when the house is going to be full of company. Whether he's making an effort to reform or not is also immaterial -- if he proves himself clean, maybe he can come to the next function, but not this one. That's the price he pays.

andy71781 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:8ec6b02f-8981-44c7-acbb-ef9a063d0002">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd either call the aunt to let her know or ask your parents to do it, depending on who's closer to her. Who's paying is irrelevant. It's their house and they're certainly entitled to say that they don't want a known thief in it when the house is going to be full of company. Whether he's making an effort to reform or not is also immaterial -- if he proves himself clean, maybe he can come to the next function, but not this one. That's the price he pays.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

Its not irrelevant. If they are paying the parents have all the say in the world - but if they are not then the B&G have more input.

Do you really think somebody who has shoplifted before can be considered a "known thief" such that he would steal from family members during a wedding? I think that's a pretty far stretch.

I think if he's trying to get better he should come - alienating him from the family would only make things go from bad to worse.

AmoroAgain · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:8ec6b02f-8981-44c7-acbb-ef9a063d0002">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd either call the aunt to let her know or ask your parents to do it, depending on who's closer to her. Who's paying is irrelevant. It's their house and they're certainly entitled to say that they don't want a known thief in it when the house is going to be full of company. Whether he's making an effort to reform or not is also immaterial -- if he proves himself clean, maybe he can come to the next function, but not this one. That's the price he pays.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]
Huge eyeroll. He's not 5. It's not like he's going to cry in his bed tonight because someone slapped him on the hand and wouldn't let him go to a wedding.

tenofcups4me · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:27cff374-30c5-4d1d-8ed6-e1bab5587d18">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : Its not irrelevant. If they are paying the parents have all the say in the world - but if they are not then the B&G have more input. Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

It's on her parents' property. Of course they get the final say.

[QUOTE]Do you really think somebody who has shoplifted before can be considered a "known thief" such that he would steal from family members during a wedding? I think that's a pretty far stretch. I think if he's trying to get better he should come - alienating him from the family would only make things go from bad to worse.[/QUOTE]

The OP didn't provide a hell of a lot of details about what he was in jail for so I have no opinion if he's a risk when it comes to stealing from other people or her parents. And in either case, it doesn't matter if *I* think he'd steal from the guests -- her parents have concerns that he will and it's their house.

tenofcups4me · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:e3bd7dcf-9940-4eaa-961c-54d37e59a632">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : Huge eyeroll. He's not 5. It's not like he's going to cry in his bed tonight because someone slapped him on the hand and wouldn't let him go to a wedding.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

Huge eyeroll right back at you. I didn't say he'd care one way or the other. I have no idea and neither do you. But there are consequences for actions (or at least there should be). To put it in terms that maybe even you can understand, if he wants to be a big boy and be invited to grown-up events, then maybe he should act like someone people want to have in their house. He's lost everyone's trust and if he wants to regain it, he'll have to earn it again. Is that simple enough for even you to understand?

orangejulius · September 2010

I'm going to assume that if the Bride's parents are hosting the event in their home, that they have a say whether the B&G are paying for everything or not.

andy71781 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:2ba55d66-9da3-46ef-82f3-f86e7cdbb09b">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : It's on her parents' property. Of course they get the final say. The OP didn't provide a hell of a lot of details about what he was in jail for so I have no opinion if he's a risk when it comes to stealing from other people or her parents. And in either case, it doesn't matter if *I* think he'd steal from the guests -- her parents have concerns that he will and it's their house.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

I didn't say they wouldn't have any input if B&G were paying. I actually said that they'd have MORE input it the parents were paying. So I kind of made an argument against the kid coming. So its relevant.
OP also said: In one of the families, their youngest son, who is 21 now, has had a rough past with crime the past 3-4 years, mainly shoplifting, nothing violent.
So its shoplifting not burglary.

If the parents have concerns they have concerns - but on the whole its probably not a great idea to shun a member of the family from a wedding because of some bad choices - especially if they are trying to shape up.

AmoroAgain · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:598a2280-520c-4eca-bba3-f4a595f9aede">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : Huge eyeroll right back at you. I didn't say he'd care one way or the other. I have no idea and neither do you. But there are consequences for actions (or at least there should be). To put it in terms that maybe even you can understand, if he wants to be a big boy and be invited to grown-up events, then maybe he should act like someone people want to have in their house. He's lost everyone's trust and if he wants to regain it, he'll have to earn it again. Is that simple enough for even you to understand?
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

Oh, why THANK YOU TEN!! You've given my puny little brain something to think about for the next 12 hours while I also try to figure out how to tie my shoes. That loop, swoop and pull thing is just SO DIFFICULT.

The point was, if he's already hardened enough that he thinks stealing from family at an event like that is A-OK, it's not like slapping his little hand and wagging your finger at him is going to make any difference in the world. You had a very schoolmarm-esque tone there and it's just ridiculous. Invite him or don't- whatever. But don't think that NOT inviting him is going to change a single thing about his behavior.

redheadfsu · September 2010

My reading of the OP makes me assume that the parents are paying. This comes from the fact that it is at their house. So they get to decide. I agree that if your parents made the decision then they should call them, not you.

If he just got out of jail in June, then he hasn't had much time to shape up. So I can see their point.

andy71781 · September 2010

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irrelevant

Its a word my dear. Its not applicable to this situation - but its a word.

andy71781 · September 2010

<div align="center">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:598a2280-520c-4eca-bba3-f4a595f9aede">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
</div>[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : Huge eyeroll right back at you. I didn't say he'd care one way or the other. I have no idea and neither do you. But there are consequences for actions (or at least there should be). To put it in terms that maybe even you can understand, if he wants to be a big boy and be invited to grown-up events, then maybe he should act like someone people want to have in their house. He's lost everyone's trust and if he wants to regain it, he'll have to earn it again. Is that simple enough for even you to understand?
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]
<div align="left">Wow. I just noticed the immense chip on your shoulder.
</div>

tenofcups4me · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:5c1ed0c9-8ace-4d0d-bc76-c96f003df25a">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : Oh, why THANK YOU TEN!! You've given my puny little brain something to think about for the next 12 hours while I also try to figure out how to tie my shoes. That loop, swoop and pull thing is just SO DIFFICULT. The point was, if he's already hardened enough that he thinks stealing from family at an event like that is A-OK, it's not like slapping his little hand and wagging your finger at him is going to make any difference in the world. You had a very schoolmarm-esque tone there and it's just ridiculous. Invite him or don't- whatever. But don't think that NOT inviting him is going to change a single thing about his behavior.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

You're welcome. I thought maybe if I put it in clear language, you might be able to follow it. Unfortunately, I see that you haven't. I never said not inviting him would change his behavior. I said he he does change his behavior, he might be invited to the next event. Think hard -- maybe you can follow the difference.

AmoroAgain · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:10896168-78ce-4049-a920-9373f093a8cb">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : You're welcome. I thought maybe if I put it in clear language, you might be able to follow it. Unfortunately, I see that you haven't. I never said not inviting him would change his behavior. I said he he does change his behavior, he might be invited to the next event. Think hard -- maybe you can follow the difference.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]
I like how you make even me look like less of a bitch. Thanks. :)

tenofcups4me · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:1123d687-32a7-4e83-b1c0-d3a81415cf6a">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : Wow. I just noticed the immense chip on your shoulder.
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

Not really. Just can't stand Amoro and what she appears to think is biting wit or sarcasm or something remotely interesting.

andy71781 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:6e7463c0-86a7-4ca2-95aa-81cb29bd020e">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : Not really. Just can't stand Amoro and what she appears to think is biting wit or sarcasm or something remotely interesting.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]
You were pretty snarky in general actually. I think its more of your personality rather than a problem with another poster here.

AmoroAgain · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:6e7463c0-86a7-4ca2-95aa-81cb29bd020e">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : Not really. Just can't stand Amoro and what she appears to think is biting wit or sarcasm or something remotely interesting.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]
If you have a problem with what I say, I generally recommend just blocking me.
I'm not ever trying to be anything; I'm just saying what pops into my head.

NatesGirl16 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:e427a88b-1494-4560-baf5-9840a0d039b6">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]<a href="http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irrelevant" rel="nofollow">http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irrelevant</a> Its a word my dear. Its not applicable to this situation - but its a word.
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]
Sorry, sorry. I thought it said<strong> irrevelant</strong>, which I hear all the time. And then I spelled it correctly, so it didn't make sense. Reading comp fail on my part. I also don't know where my post went.

andy71781 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:53146e74-153a-4ad4-8091-eb98a91f6329">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : Sorry, sorry. I thought it said irrevelant , which I hear all the time. And then I spelled it correctly, so it didn't make sense. Reading comp fail on my part. I also don't know where my post went.
Posted by NatesGirl16[/QUOTE]
Its one of my favorite lawyer words. :)

NatesGirl16 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:db16fbf9-f740-477d-8598-6575a1525579">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : Its one of my favorite lawyer words. :)
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

That and irregardless are my two pet peeves :). I usually don't wave my bitch flag, but I hate made up words/pronunciation. I'll go back to reading carefully!

andy71781 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-but-one-family-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b0c21c8e-0df4-4f64-b1ad-553404ff4bd2Post:809fdf86-43e0-4614-9210-7dc511eb81b7">Re: Inviting all but one family member</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting all but one family member : That and irregardless are my two pet peeves :). I usually don't wave my bitch flag, but I hate made up words/pronunciation. I'll go back to reading carefully!
Posted by NatesGirl16[/QUOTE]

:) Irregardless is NOT a favorite word of mine.

MamaSally · September 2010

I'd either call the aunt to let her know or ask your parents to do it, depending on who's closer to her. Who's paying is irrelevant. It's their house and they're certainly entitled to say that they don't want a known thief in it when the house is going to be full of company. Whether he's making an effort to reform or not is also immaterial -- if he proves himself clean, maybe he can come to the next function, but not this one. That's the price he pays.
Posted by tenofcups4me

Hi Aunt Susie, You know we really want and you at our wedding and we know you love your son Billy, but you know he's a criminal and we are all worried he will steal money out of our purses and take valuables from our house, so you are welcome to come but don't bring your son. Oh, and don't forget my gift.

Once again, it's about manners. Invite all the cousins (or whatever he is) or don't invite any at all. This is the things family feuds are made of.

lexandfab · September 2010

I would definitely call and talk to your aunt and uncle. Explain to them your parents position and say you hope it does not cause any problems and they will still be able to attend. If you were very close to this cousin and wanted him to come I would say try talking to your parents again but since you are not I would respect their wishes since it is their home.

marinabreeze · September 2010

I could see OP's parents' position. I have a cousin who at one time (this was years ago when I was a kid/teen) was shoplifting and stealing at work -and- come to find out stole from family. It was so bad that when my parents and I would come to town, we would put our purses and other valuables in the trunk of our car (and of course my parents would always have their keys tucked away securely on their person). That cousin wasn't allowed at our house for years - my siblings and I were raised to respect each other's property, and so we had no problem leaving out money and valuables around the house, so having said cousin over would mean we couldn't be comfortable in our own home. He did end up in legal trouble - jail, house arrest, probation, had to pay restitution - but eventually he straightened out.

I think that especially since the parents are having the reception at their home (regardless of who pays), they get a say in who is not allowed on their property. If including this cousin is that big a deal, the OP and her FI should find another venue and pay for it themselves. At the same time, if it is the parents who object to the cousin attending, the parents should be the ones to explain it to relatives why said cousin was not invited and not put OP in the unenviable position to explain to relatives why they singled him out.

twixinthemix · September 2010

Wow, I certainly did not mean to start an argument here!!

To answer some of your questions, yes, my parents are paying for the wedding. Knowing the stubborness of my parents, there's no way they will change their mind. My uncle (the distant cousin's real uncle) said that he would not have been invited to my cousin's wedding last June, but didn't have to worry about it because he was in jail. So there is no precedent, and I don't know how this cousin's parents would feel.

The distant cousin has been arrested for shoplifting several times, but there might have been a burglary charge in there (it's not something the family likes to talk about, so they don't like to give out lots of information about it all). There's also a speeding charge, broken a work release probation law, and a kidnapping charge when he decided to not tell his underage girlfriend's parents where she was. Idiot. Is he violent? No, not at all. He's just been incredibly dumb for the past few years.

Maybe I can convince my parents to invite him if he can keep his nose clean until the invitations go out? If not, I don't really know who should call to warn his parents. He's 21, so it's not like he's a child. Heck, I honestly don't even know where he's living right now.

Agh, I guess every family has a black sheep in the family.

twixinthemix · September 2010

I should also mention, that he technically not my cousin. He's my cousin's cousin on her mom's side of the family (I'm on her dad's side of the family). On her cousin' mom's side of the family, there's probably 25 people we'd be inviting (My aunt has 3 siblings plus their kids/husbands/grandkids). So while they aren't blood related, I do see them more than my mom's side of the family.

twixinthemix · September 2010

Agh, one last comment. I know this family member wants to get better. He sees the pain that it causes his parents, who truly are amazing parents and real sweethearts. I think there really is a chemical imbalance or something that prevents him from making good decisions. He does love his family, and his family, though very frustrated, do support and love him.

Inviting all but one family member

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