wedding plans off!

trueleo818 · May 2010

REALLY THINKING ABOUT CALLING OFF THE ENGAGEMENT!

I was laying in bed-studying for finals- and then FI's phone goes off. I check to see who it is and find that its his ex gf WITH her picture! I let it ring ... then it led to voicemail...then a minute later, she calls again and then sends 2 texts. I dont know what the texts said because im not a snooper and I trust FI but all i know is that they were from her. I didnt say anything to him but when he came out of the shower, i told him that his phone was off. I played it cool and then I asked who it was and he LIED to me! he told me that it was one of his guy friends...Again, I didnt say anything. So I asked to see his phone to call his mom because my phone was downstairs.. he gave it to me and when i pressed the call log, his ex popped up and then i asked him who called again and he said "matt". i asked if he was sure and he said "why?" then i brought it up and told him that he lied to me...

He started getting really mad because i caught him lying about it.. and i asked why she called...his response "she needs my help"... we kept arguing back and forth and it got to the point where i just left. and when i came back, his car was still there but my other car wasn't. so i know for a fact that he's coming back.. I'm just so stressed out! and with him doing this and lying to me and telling me that she "needs his help" its like, WHAT KIND OF HELP COULD SHE POSSIBLY NEED FROM HIM?!

FYI, ladies, this isn't the first time he's done this! and to make things even worst, HER CAR IS STILL UNDER HIS NAME!!!!

AM I OVERREACTING OR WHAT??

jnsaini · May 2010

I am sooo sorry to hear this trueleo, but no matter what he needs to cut the cord with her completly its not acceptable at all. That means no phone numbers no calls no emails nothing at all! past is where it should be left, in the past or it always causes trouble and issues! So sorry to hear about this, stay strong..couples goes through a lot, we all have ups and downs. And you have a right to question and check his phone..you are his fiance for god sakes!! take charge

raangoli · May 2010

I don't think you are over reacting. You gave him multiple chances to tell you the truth, but he didn't and so you confronted him on the issue. I think what Nicky said is right, you have a right to know who is calling and texting him in rapid succession and that he needs to cut off the past and live in the present.

Maybe when he comes back and you'be both had some time to collect your thoughts you should sit down and talk things through.

Sorry you have to go through this!

Hinaj · May 2010

I am so sorry true!!! I completely agree with Nicky and raangoli. You and FI need to have a great long talk about this, perferrably not when both of you are angry. He should cult all ties from her, why does he still have her car in his name? If he is not going to cut off all ties, the Ex is not going to go away. And you haven't done anything wrong, and you did not over react either. You gave him a chance to let him explain his side of the story, he chose to lie about it.

Also, what kind of help does she need from him? IF it was just that, friends asking another friend for some help, why would he get so angry about explaining it to you. He needs to explain this to you and what is going on. But if he is smart then he should cut off all ties with his ex, if it was you in that situation, I bet he wouldn't have been happy about it.

I hope everything works out!!

mrs.khan · May 2010

I'm sorry. That's really hurtful and frustrating.

I think it would be beneficial to sit down and try to get the full story from him peacefully. Why is he helping her? Does he have feelings for her still? How does this make you feel? How does this effect your relationship? It would be good to sit down and discuss those things, because either he's innocently helping her (if there is such a thing), or there are still some feeling there-which isn't fair to you.

Hang in there.

SonaliPop · May 2010

I'm sorry, babe. You are not wrong at all to be upset - whatever 'help' she needs from him, she needs to find from someone else. What kind of help is it, anyway? I am really sorry to hear this...please fill us in and hang in there. Keep a cool head and get some space to yourself until he can tell you everything.

Jeff and Deepthi · May 2010

I agree with everyone. You have done nothing wrong at all!! If his phone went off while he was in the shower and you saw it then it was just a sign! You needed to see that. I also agree you shouldn't make any rash decisions until you talk to him and see what's going on. Can't he transfer the title to her? Who's even paying for the car? Jeff still talks to some of his exes and I do to mine, but we are very open and honest about it. Really talk to him about it!

I'm sorry you have to go through this and I hope things work out for the best.

trueleo818 · May 2010

Thanks for ALL of the support ladies.

FI and I had a looong 4 hour conversation about the whole thing and here's what happened.

He told me that the reason why he lied to me was because he didnt want me to know that he and his ex were still keeping in touch. I told him that I'd much rather have the truth hurt me than a lie. He apologized and agreed that what he did was wrong and that if I were to have lied to him about something like that, he'd be in my position if not worst. He knows that if any EX contacted us, we would tell each other. BUT in my case, none of my EXes know my number because I don't give it to them and in HIS case, he's had the same number so that EX of his already had his contact info. Of course, me being his FW, I'm going to be angry with the fact that his ex is calling him ever so often and what not KNOWING that he's engaged to me. Me and his EX never got along and never will. She has no reason to be in my life as well as his.

Back to the convo, I asked him why his name was still under her car and he said "she's been too busy and thats what i had to take care of today"
My response " IT'S HER CAR, LET HER DEAL WITH IT! IF SHE CAN'T HANDLE A SIMPLE TASK, THEN MAYBE SHE DOESN'T NEED THE CAR TO BEGIN WITH SINCE SHE'S 'SOOOO' BUSY" (i didnt yell but i made it very loud and clear)
He agreed and then told me that he took the car back because it was his to begin with and he's going to make the rest of the payments because of her "busy modeling lifestyle".

I explained to him why I became really upset about the whole situation and told him that I was really second guessing the wedding because of the fact that its happened more than once... I told him that I won't be able to handle this type of action again and if it does happen one more time, i'm throwing in the towel and calling off the wedding with or without his permission. (bitchy thing to say, but thats how i felt) I made it clear to him that if he didnt cut all ties between her that I will give him back the engagement ring and he can go back to her. Call me a "Drama queen" but if you were in my position, you would wanna do the same thing. After I explained everything and gave him my two sense, he started to teary eyed and realized what he was doing and how it really effected the engagement. He apologized again and decidede to call his ex gf to tell her what happened and how he wants nothing to do with her. He also offered to have his number changed and he decided on his own that sleeping in the guest bedroom was the only right choice he'd make that night.

The conversation went well, there's a lot more that happened but nothing much to talk about in details.. and this morning, we went about our daily routine but because of the person I am, I didnt say much because I tend to hold a little amount of grudge after something like that happens.. but overall, we're slowly getting back to normal with each other.

Ladies, thanks again for everything. It feels good to know that I can come to you ladies when things like this happen. Even though we don't personally know each other, it very much seems like it. BTW, none of my CLOSE FRIENDS or FAMILY knew about this.. and if they were to know, they wouldve told me to end it with him.. but i knew that i needed someone else's POV. And thanks to you wonderful brides, you gave me what I needed!

THANKS! XOXO

mrs.khan · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_wedding-plans-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:4f3bf22c-db09-458a-abca-d768ff391ab3Post:5b73d551-3181-4d69-a2e1-dd0eff5f7253">UPDATE ON FIGHT W/ FI</a>:
[QUOTE]He also offered to have his number changed and he decided on his own that sleeping in the guest bedroom was the only right choice he'd make that night. [/QUOTE]

Wait, wait.....He slept in your guest bedroom or HER guest bedroom? And was that past tense or yet to happen?

Jeff and Deepthi · May 2010

I'm glad it turned out well and some times I think boys can be soo dense they don't realize how their actions make us feel! I'm really glad you were able to work it out with him and you're still getting married! Maybe this will just strengthen your relationship.

trueleo818 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_wedding-plans-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:430Discussion:4f3bf22c-db09-458a-abca-d768ff391ab3Post:73cd3639-ecad-47dd-8c07-9919c996c446">Re: UPDATE ON FIGHT W/ FI</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to UPDATE ON FIGHT W/ FI : Wait, wait.....He slept in your guest bedroom or HER guest bedroom? And was that past tense or yet to happen?
Posted by mrs.khan[/QUOTE]

Hahah, he slept in our guest bedroom downstairs last night. I think I'm going to let him sleep down there for the remainder of the week. As for the new number, he changed it last night.

trueleo818 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_wedding-plans-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:430Discussion:4f3bf22c-db09-458a-abca-d768ff391ab3Post:4ffc8f84-7e3a-4356-99e5-7ed6ad805c89">Re: wedding plans off!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm glad it turned out well and some times I think boys can be soo dense they don't realize how their actions make us feel! I'm really glad you were able to work it out with him and you're still getting married! Maybe this will just strengthen your relationship.
Posted by Jeff and Deepthi[/QUOTE]

Honestly, I think me walking out and later calling him out on things was a slap in the face for him. I really DO hope it strengthens the relationship. I'm really thinking about maybe doing a pre-wedding counseling? Or is that stupid?

raangoli · May 2010

I am glad you were able to talk things through! The ex sounds like she's very needy and not very insightful when it comes to dealing with others. But regardless of how the ex is, it sounds like your FI got it (of course AFTER you explained it), which is good.

I'd give him half a point for sleeping in the guest bedroom on his own and another half a point for offering to change his phone number (and actually going through with it.)

I like your idea of making him sleep in the guest bedroom for a few more days

Hinaj · May 2010

I am glad everything worked out, and your FI was smart enough to figure out the guest bedroom and changing his number for the future. LOL. A few more days in the guest bedroom won't hurt him.

trueleo818 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_wedding-plans-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:430Discussion:4f3bf22c-db09-458a-abca-d768ff391ab3Post:202d5a51-e6b0-485b-8d2c-a2906c1f1568">Re: wedding plans off!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am glad you were able to talk things through! The ex sounds like she's very needy and not very insightful when it comes to dealing with others. But regardless of how the ex is, it sounds like your FI got it (of course AFTER you explained it), which is good. I'd give him half a point for sleeping in the guest bedroom on his own and another half a point for offering to change his phone number (and actually going through with it.) I like your idea of making him sleep in the guest bedroom for a few more days :)
Posted by raangoli[/QUOTE]

Raangoli, his ex is VERY needy and extremely immature! Don't get me wrong, she's a gorgeous girl and what not but just because she has the beauty and had a past with my FI, it doesnt mean she can take him away and put him to use as if he were still her BF. Ladies like that just irritates me. They have no respect whatsoever. The past is the past, we're living in the present so lets just keep it moving forward, right? And I agree with you, he earned himself 1 pt but he's still in the negatives! I like the idea of having him stay in the guest room as well, why? because there isnt a bed in there yet and there's a ton of boxes and what not since we just moved in over the weekend and there arent any curtains to block the sun. =) did i mention that there isnt a door? yeah, we're getting new doors put in. wow, that just made me smile.

jnsaini · May 2010

Way to go Girl!! You are already on your way making a man out of him, I feel men need time to learn and mature and we definitely help that a lot! You have no idea what my FI was like before I met him, now we have a more polished man lol
I had to teach him how to behave to me and also to other (even common ppl like waiters or cashiers), I would cringe at his behavior to ppl in service jobs. But yea guys have thick skin sometimes, am glad you made your point clear and let him hear it, its very important to make it cut and clear and there is no compromise required on your part this situation, he has to come clean now..and good he is taking the steps to do so already. For you, .....this is what my dad said to me whenever I wanted to argue with my FI or felt the need to...develop a lot of patience, it will come handy not only now but in the long term as well but make sure you are heard in a calm manner. Glad to hear all is well!
hugs
nicky

trueleo818 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_wedding-plans-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:430Discussion:4f3bf22c-db09-458a-abca-d768ff391ab3Post:0fa7e201-aac0-428f-a4de-3ab5ccbe6cb9">Re: wedding plans off!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry. That's really hurtful and frustrating. I think it would be beneficial to sit down and try to get the full story from him peacefully. Why is he helping her? Does he have feelings for her still? How does this make you feel? How does this effect your relationship? It would be good to sit down and discuss those things, because either he's innocently helping her (if there is such a thing), or there are still some feeling there-which isn't fair to you. Hang in there.
Posted by mrs.khan[/QUOTE]

Mrs.Khan,
we had a long conversation and sorted a lot of things out. From what he's told me, the reason she needed his "help" was because she didnt know what to do with the car that was under his name still. She was leaving the country for a few months and didn't want to give him back the car that she was making payments for. He then asked her how she was going to make the payments being out of the country and not having the money for it. She THEN asked if he can pay for the three months while shes gone and trust me, when he told me that, I WAS ABOUT TO GO BALLISTIC! but then he told her that I would kill him if he even brought her up in the conversation and the fact that it has to do with HER CAR PAYMENTS, HAH! So he took the keys from her and had a tow truck tow it to his moms house. As for feelings, he didn't have anything for her once me and him got together although she had an enormous amount of feelings towards him while he and i were together and from what I heard, she was really depressed when she found out that me and him were engaged. Knowing that she still had feelings for him just made me a little skeptical about things because who knows, she might a psycho ex gf. But her being in the picture effected the relationship in the beginning and in the last 2-3 months because of her "needy-ness". After talking things out, it makes me feel a lot better. For one, knowing that their friendship is officially DONE and he now has the car back which is no longer in her possesion.

trueleo818 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_wedding-plans-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:430Discussion:4f3bf22c-db09-458a-abca-d768ff391ab3Post:4bfe03d2-b9a9-4ec9-b4a5-28abba2a1aef">Re: wedding plans off!</a>:
[QUOTE]Way to go Girl!! You are already on your way making a man out of him, I feel men need time to learn and mature and we definitely help that a lot! You have no idea what my FI was like before I met him, now we have a more polished man lol I had to teach him how to behave to me and also to other (even common ppl like waiters or cashiers), I would cringe at his behavior to ppl in service jobs. But yea guys have thick skin sometimes, am glad you made your point clear and let him hear it, its very important to make it cut and clear and there is no compromise required on your part this situation, he has to come clean now..and good he is taking the steps to do so already. For you, .....this is what my dad said to me whenever I wanted to argue with my FI or felt the need to...develop a lot of patience, it will come handy not only now but in the long term as well but make sure you are heard in a calm manner. Glad to hear all is well! hugs nicky
Posted by jnsaini[/QUOTE]

Nicky, I'm taking your dad's advice and keeping it with me.
When FI and I were just friends, I would tell him that he needed to treat me differently from his female friends because if he wanted to be friends with me, he'd have to change some of his ways, and he did. Then when we were apart for two years, he went back to his old habits. When we reunited, I slowly taught him how to behave himself and how to treat me- it worked! I'm glad im not the only one who changed their FI's. haha. When we had the convo last night, I knew he took it to heart and finally understood how much the engagement means to me. I told him that the relationship is pretty much built on Trust and if he can't be honest with me then i guess we can end it right now. When he started to tear up, thats how i knew that my emotions effected him as well. As much as i hate having conversations about things like that, it just had to be done cause things were really getting to me and it was starting to effect the relationship. I really am hoping for the best between us but only time will tell.. Thanks for the advice Nicky.
XOXO

Jeff and Deepthi · May 2010

I would say if you feel like you need counseling then do it. We (as christians) have to do Pre-canal classes. It is where you talk with a priest about all aspects of your marriage from how you communicate, money, relationships, and everything else. I heard it even includes sex which I rather not discuss with a priest but it's required. I think it's a good thing cause it forces us to face anything in our relationship we may not want to address. We start next Tuesday!! Tell you how it goes...

trueleo818 · May 2010

Jeff&Deepth,

We are both Buddhist and when I asked FI about taking a pre-marriage counseling class, he said it was a waste of time. When I talked about it to FI's parents, they said that it wasn't something that Sri Lankans do but if I felt the need to do it and if I think that it'll help the relationship, then do it. In my opinion, i think it would be the best bet because of the stuff that just happened.

SonaliPop · May 2010

A lot of Indian or South Asian people really REALLY do not want to go to counseling, no matter what the benefits are.

Pre-marriage counseling can be like fire proofing. When the fire is over, you will wish you had it.

Every couple needs work, and what is better than having a person who is not bias who is dedicated to just listen to you and help you? Yes, it is not a walk in the park and it brings up issues and you have to do a HELL of a lot of work, but it is for the best.

Therapy is a taboo for people, but it shouldn't be, especially in our community. We suffer as much as any other type of cultural group.

You need to tell him that you need it, or that you want him to at least be open. I think that every couple could use a bit of counseling and that it's good for people.

Going to counseling doesn't indicate or mean that you are crazy or you have a problem...it's about wanting things to be better, it's about creating strength.

I went to counseling with a boyfriend I was in a long term relationship with. We went for so long and when I realized after all the counseling that he wasn't even willing to do the assignments we were given (they were as simple as choosing activities for us to do), it showed me he just didn't want to do the work it took. I was doing everything. I loved him a lot and it taught me a lot, and to be honest, it made me accepting and smarter when it came to a good guy - the one I have now.

I am not saying everybody should go, but for someone with some personal experience on the subject, it's a lot about hard work and self discovery. It brings you closer to your partner, teaches you a lot, and if it doesn't work out (like us), it's because of a LOT of issues. Do not let my situation scare you.

I support your train of thought if it means anything and you can ask me anything you want. The guy you are with should support you and marriage means compromising. Show him that this is a compromise.

I agree - let him get comfortable in the guest room a few days longer. He needs to think some things out and you certainly deserve your space.

That ex? She needs to BACK OFF. And you need to have proof that he told her. Why would he want to keep helping her? If they are over, they are OVER. I am not saying exes can't be friends, but when you are engaged and have that person in your life that you really love, why would you want to risk it in any way?

We're all supporting you.

trueleo818 · May 2010

SonaliPop,

When we go to counseling, I hope I can come to you when I'm in need of someone to talk to about it. And you're right, why would he want to risk me in any way?

I was there last night when he told her that things needed to end. And we're about to go to her house in a bit because she's completely out of her mind. she sent me a text talking about nonsense and I FWD it to FI and he was extremely PO'ed.

Thanks for the support ladies!

xoxox

SonaliPop · May 2010

Be careful going over there. She sounds a bit nutty. What is wrong with her? How old is she?

And yes, I'll be there for you. Just PM me or post something on the boards. Counseling is hard. Sometimes people feel like you go and the therapist tells you what to do. You need to communicate, they listen. You govern what you talk about, how you start, etc. They bring to light things you are saying or show you another take on things. It is incredibly mind blowing, some of the realizations you have while you're there. You can ask them for activities to help you with certain issues (ie, trust, communication, etc). You can choose a counselor who has experience in relationships, and I think that is one you should go for. Your insurance could cover it with a co pay fee.

trueleo818 · May 2010

OH WE'RE BACK NOW! AND IT WAS EASIER THAN I THOUGHT.

I KNOCKED ON HER DOOR POLITELY AND ASKED IF SHE CAN COME OUT SO THAT I CAN HAVE A WORD WITH HER AND SHE CAME OUT WITH PEPPER SPRAY! TALK ABOUT CRAZY! HAHAH

I told her that she needed to stop with the nonsense and if she tries to threaten me and my relationship with FI, then she'll be receiving a knock from the cops-not me. FI was right by my side and when I was done talking, he told her that it was serious and that she needs to grow up and move on because he did and he's a lot happier with me. ( that made me smile )

Even though he stood up for me, he's still sleeping in the guest room.

and counseling, im going to look for a good one. going to do some research asap!

Jeff and Deepthi · May 2010

How did this girl get your phone number?

You may want to be careful this seems like a lot of drama and I'm glad you guys are going to counseling. Really I'm excited about it and it's not technically counseling.. the churches just noticed the high divorce rate and this is their way of helping to prevent it.

IMO I don't understand the reason he's in the guest room. I might get crap for saying this, but I didn't really see the point in not having that person there. Even if Jeff and I fight we almost always try to make sure we make up or at least say I love you before bed. Granted I don't get to fall asleep with him, but I can't picture not having him there next to me when I sleep if I can have that option.

Hinaj · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_wedding-plans-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:4f3bf22c-db09-458a-abca-d768ff391ab3Post:9bcada98-7cea-4276-ab90-88e08b1da841">Re: wedding plans off!</a>:
[QUOTE]How did this girl get your phone number? You may want to be careful this seems like a lot of drama and I'm glad you guys are going to counseling. Really I'm excited about it and it's not technically counseling.. the churches just noticed the high divorce rate and this is their way of helping to prevent it. IMO I don't understand the reason he's in the guest room. I might get crap for saying this, but I didn't really see the point in not having that person there. Even if Jeff and I fight we almost always try to make sure we make up or at least say I love you before bed. Granted I don't get to fall asleep with him, but I can't picture not having him there next to me when I sleep if I can have that option.
Posted by Jeff and Deepthi[/QUOTE]

I see your point Deepthi, but sometimes time away does help. When FI and I fight about something important, it just give me time to think and sometimes it also helps us both realize that what we are really fighting about is not as important and how stupid we are even to fight about it. So I see a reason, it might not be quick, but as far as I can remember, we have never fought about the same thing again, and making up is always fun. LOL.

jnsaini · May 2010

Like all the girls said cant go wrong with the counseling! it always helps and getting a third person non biased opinion is really helpfull!

Btw Trueleo, Great job on the website, love the how we meet story!! so cute

SonaliPop · May 2010

What! I want to see the website! How do I do that? Click on 'Wedding Website'? lol or is it another one

trueleo818 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_wedding-plans-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:430Discussion:4f3bf22c-db09-458a-abca-d768ff391ab3Post:ea3151cd-efe8-4a2a-900f-c54ac5cbf083">Re: wedding plans off!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: wedding plans off! : I see your point Deepthi, but sometimes time away does help. When FI and I fight about something important, it just give me time to think and sometimes it also helps us both realize that what we are really fighting about is not as important and how stupid we are even to fight about it. So I see a reason, it might not be quick, but as far as I can remember, we have never fought about the same thing again, and making up is always fun. LOL.
Posted by Hinaj[/QUOTE]

Agreed, I see your point Deepthi and I can understand where you're coming from but the person that I am, I cant be around someone who I'm upset/angry with. I'm the type of person who needs space after something huge like that happens. I guess we all have our ways of dealing with things. But you're right, if couples had the option to live together- they'd want to sleep in the same room together..same goes for me but that situation just made me take a step back. As for counseling, I'm looking into it and trying to search for a good one.

Hinaj, you are too funny. Making up is always fun - hahaha

Jnsaini, Thanks! although, your website is so far, the best i've seen. We dont have engagement pictures yet so I had to improvise! We're actually taking our engagement pictures in Sri Lanka while we're there and when we get back, we're having another photo session with a different photographer. And for the "how we met" story- i felt that it was sooo corny but i had no other way to word it!

Sonali Pop, you just click the link that says "Our Website" thats in my siggy.

SonaliPop · May 2010

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I saw your wedding website and it's adorable!

You guys are cute!!! YAY! (Sorry, I think I'm really over excited about everything right now)

trueleo818 · May 2010

hahah, i havent found any GOOD pictures of us yet so I'm waiting on our sample pictures and then I'll have a picture of me and him together.

the site needs more work. its blah. but thanks!
when are YOU setting your website up?!?!

wedding plans off!

Re: wedding plans off!

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