Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please!

vparmley · March 2010

Okay, so I'm about 3 months out from the wedding. My sister is not going to be able to attend for legal (jail) reasons (long story and I'm pretty upset/hurt, but whatever, I'll have to get through the emotional baggage on my own.)

Now I have to figure out what to do about the logistics of the wedding day. Do I ask another person to be in the wedding? Everyone I would ask to be in the wedding knows of her current legal issue so they'll know I'm asking because she can't attend. Plus, I feel kind of bad asking someone on such short notice. They'd essentially have to get their dresses like, this weekend, since we're on a long lead time for shipment. FI says I should ask my friend and co-worker who I'm actually pretty good friends with, but I'm not sure.

What is your advice? I'm looking for options and I'm drawing a blank.

sucrets4 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_freaking-outbm-cant-wedding-now-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:b3606beb-5de4-4256-9e2d-71bbf74de754Post:8ae1d92e-6b07-408a-8f6f-c842a4d26b1e">Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, so I'm about 3 months out from the wedding. My sister is not going to be able to attend for legal (jail) reasons (long story and I'm pretty upset/hurt, but whatever, I'll have to get through the emotional baggage on my own.) Now I have to figure out what to do about the logistics of the wedding day. Do I ask another person to be in the wedding? Everyone I would ask to be in the wedding knows of her current legal issue so they'll know I'm asking because she can't attend. Plus, I feel kind of bad asking someone on such short notice. They'd essentially have to get their dresses like, this weekend, since we're on a long lead time for shipment. FI says I should ask my friend and co-worker who I'm actually pretty good friends with, but I'm not sure. What is your advice? I'm looking for options and I'm drawing a blank.
Posted by vparmley[/QUOTE]

Dude. You cannot ask someone else to replace her. And I find it awful that your only concern is for them having to get their dress last minute and not their feelings. How would you like it if someone said to you "hey, my sister can't make my wedding, so now can you replace her (since you weren't a good enough friend for me to ask before)?"

Yeah, I'd feel like shiit if someone said that to me.

MeaghanandMichael · March 2010

There is absolutely no need to replace any one. First of all, you definitely don't need as many attendants as your FI. Second, aside from the fact any one you ask will feel second rate, it is not appropriate for you to expect them to just have the cash on hand for a dress. If you do end up not heeding our advice and asking some one, at least be sensitive to the costs of being a bm.

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

Get married.

Without your sister.

sucrets4 · March 2010

Oh, B, you're so succinct.

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

It's a gift.

(see? did it again)

vparmley · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_freaking-outbm-cant-wedding-now-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:b3606beb-5de4-4256-9e2d-71bbf74de754Post:0f9f5ca4-06de-4192-97b3-29d4269377cd">Re: Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please! : Dude. You cannot ask someone else to replace her. And I find it awful that your only concern is for them having to get their dress last minute and not their feelings. How would you like it if someone said to you "hey, my sister can't make my wedding, so now can you replace her (since you weren't a good enough friend for me to ask before)?" Yeah, I'd feel like shiit if someone said that to me.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

Um, hi. I know I'm on the snarky board but could you tone down the judgement just a little bit? I found out 1 hour ago that my sister is going to be in jail during my wedding which is a pretty big deal. Not just for me, but for my whole family. Mine is the first wedding of we 4 sisters. She's going to miss her daughter being a flower girl, she's going to miss the whole family getting together for a vacation and I'm going to miss having her there. Also, I feel like a complete selfish piece of crap for being concerned about this when she's going to miss 4 months out of her daughter's life, and just this one big-ish day of ours.

1) My only concern is NOT about money, it's only part of my concern for them. Obviously I'd feel like crap asking someone to be in it at this point.
2) I don't think that being concerned for the financial stability of whomever I ask makes me an "awful" person.
3) I've been asked to be in a wedding before after everyone else was asked because one of the bride's BM couldn't make it. I felt a little awkward about it but was still honored to be in the wedding.

I'm sorry if I'm defensive, but I didn't find your post as helpful as it was hurtful in calling me an awful person.

Mrs.B and Meaghan, thanks for your advice. I just wasn't sure if it was okay to have less attendants on one side or how that would work logistically.

sucrets4 · March 2010

I didn't call you an awful person. Read it again.

I'm sorry your sister won't be able to be there, but replacing her is not going to make everything better.

btrflykate1230 · March 2010

Have your wedding without her. Don't replace her. It's okay to have uneven sides.

kikibaby · March 2010

You don't need even sides, so don't worry about it. There's really no 'logistics' about that, unless you're thinking of how they'll walk down the aisle. In which case, you can either have someone walk alone, or have a GM walk 2 girls down.

ETA: I really must know, though... if you wanted hugs and reassurances, why did you post on the Snarky Brides board? This really would fit best on Wedding Parties, and that is a puppies and rainbows board for the most part.

nhelene · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_freaking-outbm-cant-wedding-now-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:b3606beb-5de4-4256-9e2d-71bbf74de754Post:b9f451dd-1c92-4976-a92e-aecbdbc8185a">Re: Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please! : Um, hi. I know I'm on the snarky board but could you tone down the judgement just a little bit? I found out 1 hour ago that my sister is going to be in jail during my wedding which is a pretty big deal. Not just for me, but for my whole family. Mine is the first wedding of we 4 sisters. She's going to miss her daughter being a flower girl, she's going to miss the whole family getting together for a vacation and I'm going to miss having her there. Also, I feel like a complete selfish piece of crap for being concerned about this when she's going to miss 4 months out of her daughter's life, and just this one big-ish day of ours. 1) My only concern is NOT about money, it's only part of my concern for them. Obviously I'd feel like crap asking someone to be in it at this point. 2) I don't think that being concerned for the financial stability of whomever I ask makes me an "awful" person. 3) I've been asked to be in a wedding before after everyone else was asked because one of the bride's BM couldn't make it. I felt a little awkward about it but was still honored to be in the wedding. I'm sorry if I'm defensive, but I didn't find your post as helpful as it was hurtful in calling me an awful person. Mrs.B and Meaghan, thanks for your advice. I just wasn't sure if it was okay to have less attendants on one side or how that would work logistically.
Posted by vparmley[/QUOTE]

You don't have to have even sides. end of story.

vparmley · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_freaking-outbm-cant-wedding-now-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:b3606beb-5de4-4256-9e2d-71bbf74de754Post:1843d97d-ee96-493e-9353-5d2c668b26b0">Re: Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't call you an awful person. Read it again. I'm sorry your sister won't be able to be there, but replacing her is not going to make everything better.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

Thanks; I realize it's not going to make everything better. I was looking for advice on how it would work with an uneven number or different ideas of what to do during the day.

I do appreciate your response and taking the time to write it, though. (There is no sarcasm voice when I'm typing that; it's completely genuine.)

Kikibaby I really like the idea of GM walking with 2 of them. One of my flowergirls is pretty shy so I guess along those same lines I could have her mom who is a BM walk down with her, then have the FG sit with her dad.

And thanks to everyone else, too. I think part of me was looking for confirmation that it's okay to 1) not replace her; 2) have uneven sides; and 3) that these are all 100% acceptable. It honestly would not feel right replacing her with someone else and I was looking for validation of that.

Validation and then ideas of how the ceremony would/could work with uneven sides walking down the aisle and/or dancing for the wedding party dance.

sucrets4 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_freaking-outbm-cant-wedding-now-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:b3606beb-5de4-4256-9e2d-71bbf74de754Post:a779364c-ae25-4b05-a837-861a4ad6ef7e">Re: Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please! : <strong>I think part of me was looking for confirmation that it's okay to 1) not replace her; 2) have uneven sides; and 3) that these are all 100% acceptable.</strong> It honestly would not feel right replacing her with someone else and I was looking for validation of that. Validation and then ideas of how the ceremony would/could work with uneven sides walking down the aisle and/or dancing for the wedding party dance.
Posted by vparmley[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of these.

We didn't do a WP dance and there's no law that says you have to.

You also don't have to have them all walk down together. Either the guys could walk in alone first, or just be waiting at the front.

kikibaby · March 2010

Unless you have your heart set on the WP dance, I'd skip it. It seems old-fashioned to me, and as a BM, I'd hate being forced to dance with a random GM.

CMJ&MDL2010 · March 2010

I don't think you *need* to replace her. There's nothing wrong with going ahead with an uneven number of girls and boys.

That said, I think you can ask someone else, but it depends on your relationship with her. My MH had to back out a couple of months ago when she realized that she was pregnant and due right around my wedding. But another friend of mine had come with us to dress try-ons and such, and has been super excited about the whole thing. She would have been in my bridal party in the beginning, really, if not for the fact that we kept the numbers of boys and girls even, and I included some older friends who live out of town.

Anyways, I asked her to join up, and explained to her that she had been in my mind at first, but we had limited the numbers, but how it would make me really happy for her to be a BM. She was very gracious and excited to join up so, all that to say, I wouldn't say do or don't ask another BM in on principle, just go with your gut depending on who you would ask and how she would feel about it.

I still haven't decided which BM is MH now though ... I should probably sort that out before we get the programs printed!

aep8687 · March 2010

I was in a wedding with uneven sides and it went fine. At the ceremony the last two girls each were walked down by two GMs. They did have a WP dance, but instead of all of us dancing with each other they let all of us bring our own dates up, or whoever. One of the GM danced with my friend's six year-old sister. Just relax and don't get too caught up in logistics. It will all work out. No one else is going to think twice about it as long as you don't.

riverjib · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_freaking-outbm-cant-wedding-now-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:b3606beb-5de4-4256-9e2d-71bbf74de754Post:b9f451dd-1c92-4976-a92e-aecbdbc8185a">Re: Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please! : Um, hi. I know I'm on the snarky board but could you tone down the judgement just a little bit? I found out 1 hour ago that my sister is going to be in jail during my wedding which is a pretty big deal. Not just for me, but for my whole family. Mine is the first wedding of we 4 sisters. She's going to miss her daughter being a flower girl, she's going to miss the whole family getting together for a vacation and I'm going to miss having her there. Also, I feel like a complete selfish piece of crap for being concerned about this when she's going to miss 4 months out of her daughter's life, and just this one big-ish day of ours. 1) My only concern is NOT about money, it's only part of my concern for them. Obviously I'd feel like crap asking someone to be in it at this point. 2) I don't think that being concerned for the financial stability of whomever I ask makes me an "awful" person. 3) I've been asked to be in a wedding before after everyone else was asked because one of the bride's BM couldn't make it. I felt a little awkward about it but was still honored to be in the wedding. I'm sorry if I'm defensive, but I didn't find your post as helpful as it was hurtful in calling me an awful person. Mrs.B and Meaghan, thanks for your advice. I just wasn't sure if it was okay to have less attendants on one side or how that would work logistically.
Posted by vparmley[/QUOTE]

Don't replace her. It's fine to have uneven sides. Asking someone to fill in now would be impolite. I can understand that you might want to even it out to make her absence less palpable to you, but it won't.

I wouldn't react too strongly to people who are harsh here. Some women are on edge because they've been on the other end of a particular situation, and others are...well, snarky. Like you said, you know where you posted :-) I'd just take the etiquette advice, and move on without getting upset. Honestly, I like this forum because I'll hear what I don't want to hear, and I think it gives me a better gauge for how a wide group of people (AKA your guests) would react to a given situation. That said, still take it with a grain of salt. And look for the useful part of even the posts that go on to attack you for daring to ask the question you asked.

I'm sorry you and your family is going through this, and that you all have to suffer your sister's poor decisions. It's really not fair that you all have to deal with the consequences of her behavior, but focus on enjoying your wedding (as-is) and pulling together as a family to make sure your niece has plenty of positive role models and a beautiful life, even if the road is rocky now.

AdeleDazeem · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_freaking-outbm-cant-wedding-now-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:b3606beb-5de4-4256-9e2d-71bbf74de754Post:a8861d40-b75c-47a0-a8d1-dd78ab6c473e">Re: Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE] This really would fit best on Wedding Parties, and that is a puppies and rainbows board for the most part.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

It's really not, Kiki. Those girls get just as upset over these things as the etiquette girls do.

I find the puppies and rainbows everywhere else though..... Just Engaged? ::shudder::

sophistryliz · April 2010

Lady, I think you should ask your good friend to replace her. If she's your friend, she'll totally understand. I don't think it's a big deal at all. Ask her!

[Deleted User] · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_freaking-outbm-cant-wedding-now-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:b3606beb-5de4-4256-9e2d-71bbf74de754Post:dcd86c49-9f85-4f18-8f8c-40e6c3198b08">Re: Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Lady, I think you should ask your good friend to replace her. If she's your friend, she'll totally understand. I don't think it's a big deal at all. Ask her! :)
Posted by sophistryliz[/QUOTE]

This is horrible advice. No one wants to be the obvious back up BM. Ever. I promise. There is nothing wrong with not replacing her.

sucrets4 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_freaking-outbm-cant-wedding-now-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:b3606beb-5de4-4256-9e2d-71bbf74de754Post:dcd86c49-9f85-4f18-8f8c-40e6c3198b08">Re: Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Lady, I think you should ask your good friend to replace her. If she's your friend, she'll totally understand. I don't think it's a big deal at all. Ask her! :)
Posted by sophistryliz[/QUOTE]

If she's a good friend, she'll wonder why she wasn't asked in the first place.

BecW2be · April 2010

Ladies, she's exhibiting her sophistry. God! It's even in her NAME! You people just don't get snark, obviously.

vparmley · April 2010

Thanks again, everyone!

sophistryliz · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_freaking-outbm-cant-wedding-now-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:b3606beb-5de4-4256-9e2d-71bbf74de754Post:0bbc371b-5e59-44bf-b5cc-7a95e95109a0">Re: Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ladies, she's exhibiting her sophistry. God! It's even in her NAME! You people just don't get snark, obviously.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

you mean sophism*

BecW2be · April 2010

you mean sophism*

I meant stupidity, but you can call it whatever you like to make your little self feel totally smart and junk.

*sophism and sophistry mean exactly the same thing, BTW. Dummy. But let's talk about the military robots again!

sophistryliz · April 2010

I have a masters degree in Philosophy. I think I know what it means.

BecW2be · April 2010

Really? Well you're wrong. And you paid a lot of money for it. Congrats!

BecW2be · April 2010

Main Entry: soph·ist·ry

Pronunciation: \ˈsä-fə-strē\

Function: noun

Date: 14th century

1 : subtly deceptive reasoning or argumentation
2 : www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sophism">sophism 1

Main Entry: soph·ism

Pronunciation: \ˈsä-ˌfi-zəm\

Function: noun

Date: 15th century

1 : an argument apparently correct in form but actually invalid; especially : such an argument used to deceive
2 : www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sophistry">sophistry 1

Just for Dummy. In case she wants to exhibit either sophistry or sophisms anymore today.

[Deleted User] · April 2010

Did somebody say military robots? Where?

Mrs.B6302007 · April 2010

Sophie - serious Q for you. Why did you choose an everything SN (based on what you said yesterday) centered around a word that has to do with deception and fallacy?

sophistryliz · April 2010

Sophism originated from a Greek term that basically meant someone who devotes their life to obtaining wisdom and knowledge.

Freaking out...BM can't make wedding now; advice, please!

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