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Does this irritate the p*ss out of you too?

Sorry for my colorful choice of subject. This one is going to be long, ladies.

Now, before I get flamed, we didn't invite anyone to our wedding expecting anything. We just wanted everyone to come and have a good time.

That said, I'm sitting down to compile my list for thank you notes, and looking at it altogether in the spreadsheet - I'm just kind of taken aback at the number of guests who didn't so much as give a card. Seriously? You can get them at gas stations for .99 cents.

I don't want to sound ungrateful - most of our guests were generous and I was especially touched by those that donated to charity on our behalf. And I know people are going to likely say "you don't know their circumstances" - but I'm looking at the list, and trust me, I do know their circumstances (either because they are family or blabber mouths). Our wealthiest guests are the ones who didn't even bring a card. I'm talking millionaires here, or at the very least multiple-hundred-thousand-ares. But then some of our friends, who I know are struggling - trying to buy a house, start a family or have a wedding of their own - gave some of the largest cash gifts. 

There's just no rhyme or reason, you know? I really, really don't want to sound like a whiney little b*tch here - I'm just perplexed. I know wedding gifts are obligatory, not mandatory - I don't even want a gift - but could you at least write "Congratulations!" on a napkin, because really that would make me happy.

I'm still going to send everyone who attended thank you cards (except for my deadbeat family members who didn't even bother to RSVP - that includes my older brother, boo!). I know one of my aunts is under the false assumption that she has up to a year to buy a gift, but when I tried to politely correct her, I got verbally slapped. Maybe the rest of my guests are under that impression as well?

I know we've talked about this on the board before - I guess it's just my turn to complain! Man, I don't even show up to someone's house without something...let alone a wedding...

Re: Does this irritate the p*ss out of you too?

  • edited December 2011
    If I were you I would be complaining too. How hard is it to buy a card!?! Like you said, you can get them for 99 cents at gas stations! For any occasion cards mean so much more to me than the gift. FI knows that even if we are not exchanging gifts for something he MUST give me a card. It just shows thoughtfulness and shows you care IMO.

    so go ahead, complain all you want, I support you! ;)
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    I completely agree, but will add that I think a wedding gift OR CARD is completely mandatory, not obligatory.

    I had 3 guests who didn't bother to give us anything.  They happened to be DH's college buddies, so I figure maybe their etiquette expertise is still a work in progress.  

    As for the 99% of guests who did give us gifts, they gave pretty evenly.  The "wealthier" ones did end up giving the most substantial and generous gifts.   

    But you know what, I don't even care about the monetary value.  Just gimme a goddamn Hallmark card and I'll be happy.  What stinks is that I still had to write those 3 guys TY cards...
  • edited December 2011
    That's it exactly! I don't even want money or a gift - but a card would mean so much. Just to show that you cared a little, that you put some thought into it - you're just not here for the free booze and food. 

    I'm just going to write "thank you for sharing our special day" on the ones that didn't give gifts. I'm not betting on any sort of response, but I just can't not send them something, you know?
  • eouelleteouellet member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I don't get it either.  The majority of our guests who didn't give a gift were also the wealthiest.  We had one guest who's an honest-to-god heiress, and for our wedding she flew out and spent a week in a suite at the Fairmont and went on all sorts of expensive tours to the Vineyard, Cape, etc. - yet her gift was a $35 Kleenex box cover.  WTF?  Like you, I hate to sound ungrateful or anything, but I just don't understand the mindsets of people like that.  It just makes me appreciate so much more our guests who are less fortunate who still gave us gifts that probably stretched their budget. 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_this-irritate-pss-out-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:89Discussion:57b0f859-5c63-42b1-86d4-68302bc20f24Post:82bb6c1b-7140-48f3-a534-4c31fd56d413">Re: Does this irritate the p*ss out of you too?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I completely agree, but will add that I think a wedding gift OR CARD is completely mandatory, not obligatory.
    Posted by foolforfood[/QUOTE]
     
    I COMPLETELY agree with you.  As someone who has been unemployed for the past several months, I still managed to buy a wedding gift for a friend who was just married a couple weeks ago.  I can't understand how people think it's ok to not even give you a quick note of congratulations.  Ridiculous really.  Vent away.
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  • edited December 2011
    I think a card is the least you can do for someone who is inviting you to their wedding/reception and spending money on you! Like you Erilou, I don't show up to anyone's house without bringing something either.  They say its the thought that counts, but what thought is there in not even acknowledging your wedding day with a card?? I'm not married yet, but I know for my son's Christening, the wealthiest guests gave the smallest gifts.  It boggles my mind!!! My friends who have nothing still gave him $100, which I didn't expect or want to accept.  People are just flat out rude sometimes.
  • edited December 2011
    Hellz yes on the mandatory card/gift giving. Honeslty, yes, I love that you came and celbrated with us, but unless you traveled hundreds of miles to be here, PLEASE send a card and/or gift
  • edited December 2011
    eoullet - Beautifully said, I feel the same way - the people who didn't give gifts threw into sharp focus the people who have less, and still gave generously - I'm so grateful to have them in my life.

    Mandah - Not only did my grandparents travel from Florida to come to my wedding, AND sent one of the most expensive gifts on our registry ahead of them, AND gave us another cash gift in our card. Yeah, um, half my guests live right in Boston and took the T to my wedding and didn't even throw a congratulatory napkin in our cardbox...

    You know what my favorite gift was? (Ok, it's a tie with this beautiful personalized platter with our wedding invite my parents had made for us) We get this little nondescript bag with like, a placemat in it. Mike and I were so confused, we looked at each other and both said "I don't get it." The card was the same color as the inside of the bag, so it took us a minute to find it. Inside was this beautiful letter from Mike's parents, explaining how when they were cleaning out his grandmother's house (she passed a couple months before the wedding) they found all these handmade linen pieces that had been worked on by her, her mother, and her mother's mother. And how they knew she'd want us to have a piece as a keepsake. The letter said that when Grammie knew she wasn't going to make it to our wedding, she gave them the card and cash, and they wanted to make sure we received it. I openly sobbed like a hot mess in my PJs. It meant more to me than they could imagine, and since my grandmother had also given me one of my great-great-grandmother's handkerchiefs to use for the wedding, I'll be putting both pieces together, with the letter, and a photo of the hankie wrapped around my bouquet for a future generation to find.
  • edited December 2011
    Yes, if you go to a wedding, bring a card and gift. We went to a wedding right after we had Anthony and we were dead broke but I still got them a card and a really nice picture frame. You have a right to be mad. I would/will be too. I already know the people on my invite list who will not be bringing a gift. They will get a thank you note that says "Thank you for attending our special day and getting a free $100 per head meal. I hope it gave you really bad stomach cramps."
    Marieke & Michael 5.14.10 Loving life with our 2 boys Anthony (3.22.08) and Dominic (due 2.14.11)!!!
  • Shazzie116Shazzie116 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think there's a reason why these people are so wealthy. They don't give away their money!

    That said, that really stinks, Erica. I would much rather at the very least get a card with a kind note in it. I would probably value that over any monetary gift. I tend to hoard cards, and it's nice because I have written notes from my grandfathers who are no longer alive, so that's more valuable than any money in the world. 

    I have an etiquette question somewhat related to this: If someone sends a wedding gift ahead of time to your house before the wedding, should they be expected to also bring a card to the wedding? We went to a friend's wedding recently and we gave them their gift (along with a card) 2 weeks before the wedding because we purchased their luggage and figured they'd want it for the honeymoon. I wasn't sure if we were also supposed to give a card at the wedding itself, but I guessed that since we gave them their gift beforehand we were covered. If I was wrong I will run off with my tail between my legs. 
  • eouelleteouellet member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think you're good Shazz :)
  • edited December 2011
    I understand where you're coming from.  We also had many guests who were like that.  What bothered me even more were the guests who decided to bring in another guest as a pinch hitter without telling me, on top of not getting us a card or gift!  I understand times are tough, etc all....but a card?  Really?  ....really?
  • edited December 2011
    I 100% AGREE with you!!! glad this was brought up because it was annoying the heck out of me! I had about 6 guest not even as much bring a card. It is flat out rude! I do not care about the gifts but the least you can do is bring a card!!!!

    I have even had a friend tell me my gift was delivered, umm never got it and told her to check with the company, that was the last I ever heard of it!

    another guest texted my husband and asked why the check was never cashed, it was becuase we NEVER as much got a card from you, so there is no check!!!!!

    People are just rude!! You have ever right to complain!
  • edited December 2011
    I think it's so RUDE.  We only had one couple not give a gift or card (I think...I still have to go over the list).   And I was saying that other night, around some family members, that they should have at least given a card saying congrats.  My family thought it would be weirder to give a card with no money than to give nothing.  They ALL said that they have 1 year to gave a gift.  Eveny two of my bridesmaids that got married in the past two years said the same thing.  So what's the deal...do they have a year or not?
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  • edited December 2011
    Leah!!!   I'm glad we can be interweb besties again Innocent

    Valpag - I think we may have a mutual friend b/c the exact same stunt was pulled on us.  Have ppl no shame?!?!?!
  • edited December 2011
    So happy I'm not the only one who feels this way! Of course an actual gift or the cost does not matter, but it's nice to know you put a little thought into coming instead of looking at your calendar on Friday afternoon and realize you had yourself a free dinner the next night!

    Shazzie, I've also sent a gift and card ahead of time, just thinking that it would be one less thing for the couple/family to keep track of. I think that's ok!
  • Scarlet856Scarlet856 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yes, I totally agree with you girls. No card/gift is super rude. Who does that. Were they raised by wolves or something? Its common sense.  Lets hope that your TY card shames them into sending something!
  • edited December 2011
    I had a couple of guests - no card, no gift. Including my very rich uncle who lives in GREENWICH, CT. I was going to send TY cards because TK has beat etiquette into my head over the past couple of months but my mom was so angry, more than me haha, and told me not to. I was so exhausted so I didn't.

    I stand by my decision.
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  • edited December 2011
    We got a lot of gifts after our wedding.  Some people gave cards, some didn't. Be patient, you might still have some coming.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_massachusetts-boston_this-irritate-pss-out-of?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:89Discussion:57b0f859-5c63-42b1-86d4-68302bc20f24Post:c40f0f38-35fe-4d15-9219-e2acdaaff13a">Re: Does this irritate the p*ss out of you too?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think there's a reason why these people are so wealthy. They don't give away their money! That said, that really stinks, Erica. I would much rather at the very least get a card with a kind note in it. I would probably value that over any monetary gift. I tend to hoard cards, and it's nice because I have written notes from my grandfathers who are no longer alive, so that's more valuable than any money in the world.  I have an etiquette question somewhat related to this: If someone sends a wedding gift ahead of time to your house before the wedding, should they be expected to also bring a card to the wedding? We went to a friend's wedding recently and we gave them their gift (along with a card) 2 weeks before the wedding because we purchased their luggage and figured they'd want it for the honeymoon. I wasn't sure if we were also supposed to give a card at the wedding itself, but I guessed that since we gave them their gift beforehand we were covered. If I was wrong I will run off with my tail between my legs. 
    Posted by Shazzie116[/QUOTE]

    That's what I always do!! I never bring my gift to the wedding
  • edited December 2011
    Shazzie, I never bring anything to weddings, not even a card.  I always send something beforehand or shortly afterwards.
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  • edited December 2011
    I think they technically have 1 year but no one really follows that. I think personally a few weeks after the wedding is at most what you have but even then if you're going to get them something after still bring a card. (if you mailed something before then thats all that needs to be done)  But give them some time especially older people, people get busy. 
    In my own crappy friend move, I went to my friends shower and brought a card and pictures of what I got her. (I was driving with the bride and groom 8 hours to her parents for the shower so instead of driving the present up next to me, then her opening it and driving it back down with all the other presents we decided pictures would be better) then like a month later she asked me if I ever got it to her. I didn't! I felt horrible. I had the present wrapped and everything. But the downstairs of our condo flooded a week after the shower and things from our living room was in the kitchen, everything from the closets were in the bedroom.  She knew I completely forgot in the chaos (I'm mildly scatterbrained anyways). I got it to her the next time I saw her. Everything was fine.
  • edited December 2011
    i know about that one year rule and think it is silly. I would be embarrased to send a gift/card a year or even a few months after the wedding. Bascially that is saying " I am to busy and don't have time to get you a gift/card". People are RUDE!
  • edited December 2011
    Where is Meaghan when we need her? She'd know about the one-year nonsense!

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets riled over this. I know one person asked us last week what we wanted (um... that's why we have a registry... that still has a couple things on it... but I digress...) so we'll likely get a gift from her (although I wish she wouldn't waste her money, just send me a card and I'm happy! The last thing I need is more gifts I didn't register for that have now taken up residency in my attic...). But the majority of people who didn't give gifts, have no intention of ever giving us anything. It's surprising and disappointing - and these are all young people too - but it is what it is!

    So what's the consensus on sending a thank you note anyways? It seems to be split between those who did, and those who didn't. Is it proper etiquette to send one regardless of getting a gift or not?
  • edited December 2011
    I personally would only send a thank you to whoever got a card/gift. I don't believe in giving a thank you for coming to the wedding because you've most likely done that in person at the wedding so there is no reason to do it twice!
  • edited December 2011
    Erilou, this is what Emily Post has to say on the matter:

    How soon should I send a gift?

    Preferably, send the gift to the bride before the wedding or to the couple soon thereafter. In some regions gifts are brought to the reception and placed on a special table. Contrary to a current rumor that you have a year to send a gift, it really should be sent right away or within three months of the wedding.

    So yeah, the one year rule is bull. The one year rule to send thank you notes is even worse! Don't let any one tell you that one ;)

    But yeah I'll get on board the annoyed train at people who can't send at least a card. Funny thing is the more I think on it, the more it is just baffling to me than anything else. I am far enough away from my wedding that I am not offended or angry at people, more like like in complete shock that they are 'those' type of people.

    And yes Shaz, the rich stay richer by holding on to their money ;)

  • edited December 2011
    Meaghan - you rock my socks - thanks! I knew you'd have the answer! 

    Shaz - we're card hoarders too! Last night I took all the cards from the wedding out of their envelopes and tied everything together. Now I just need to find some cardboxes... which I've purchased before but destroyed for other projects... this time I actually need one!
  • edited December 2011
    I'm so glad you didn't get flamed!  I was so confused after my wedding last spring - I really thought that maybe gifts got lost/stolen at the venue - and my club board CHEWED ME OUT for even suggesting that guests are expected to bring gifts.  I was basically accused of wanting to charge admittance to my wedding!  But I have never attended a wedding w/out sending a gift and I never show up for a dinner party w/out a hostess gift.  I was really surprised that a few friends (who have good paying jobs and live quite comfortably) had no problem enjoying a $200/plate dinner with free cocktails w/out leaving so much as a congratulatory card. 

    But who knows, maybe come spring 2010, all those missing cards/gifts will show up at my doorstep on our one year anniversary ;-)
  • edited December 2011
    This thread is making me nervous.  I agree with you girls regarding  at least giving a card, and knowing the people on our guest list, I think I'll be riled up by this when the time comes.  I don't have high faith with the people having that thoughtfulness. Eek.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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