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I feel stupid for being sad about this.

I just found out that a good friend from college got married last weekend.

I knew he was engaged, and I really like his wife.  I think they're great together and I'm really happy for them, but it makes me a little sad that I wasn't invited to the wedding.  I didn't even know it was happening already.  When I first saw the status change, I thought maybe they eloped, but from the pictures it looks like they had at least an average-sized wedding.

I haven't had much contact with him since college, to be fair, but I did count him among my best friends before we moved to different parts of the country.  I still keep in touch with him through FB and stuff.  I miss him, and I thought he missed me.

I feel like he's mad at me or something.  I invited him and his now-wife to my wedding, and they didn't even RSVP.  I found out through a mutual friend that they wouldn't make it.  This, combined with the sneakattack (from my perspective) wedding makes me feel like he's mad at me or something.

I'm just going to leave a note saying "congratulations" on his wall and be done with it, but it's eating at my insides a little bit.  Anybody have any perspective to share?

Re: I feel stupid for being sad about this.

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    :( *hugs* This past summer I wasn't invited to a (supposed) friend's wedding and I was hurt. We don't see each other very often but I've always made an effort to stay friends. I've even made cookies for his family every Christmas since we were 13. It may be wrong but I took not getting an invite to his wedding as a sign that he didn't care about our friendship or wish to be friends anymore. So I haven't made any contact with him since then and I won't be making the extra effort to spend all day baking to make cookies for his family anymore. I know that sounds bitter but after not getting the wedding invite I reflected on our friendship over the past few years and realized that he had never made the effort I did and it was probably best to just let the friendship go.

    I don't know exactly what your friendship is like with him but sometimes if the other person won't make the effort to remain friends then the friendship falls apart no matter what you do.


  • Sorry that happened, Beth.  It's hard to let go of friends sometimes, isn't it?
  • Ugh, that sucks.  Do you live far apart from each other?  Maybe they thought that you wouldn't go because of the distance?  Also, I find it weird that they didn't RSVP back for your wedding, isn't that bad etiquette wise? 

    I would let things wind down for them post-wedding and then maybe e-mail him to just check in.  From there maybe you could feel things out.  If he replies with a: "we should all get together" type of e-mail then maybe he just assumed you wouldn't come to the wedding.  If he replies back with some general stuff or doesn't at all, then there's a problem.

    Were other mutual friends invitied?

     Wedding Countdown Ticker




    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-feel-stupid-for-being-sad-about-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3a85561-2af2-465d-8f11-1d4b54a3cd22Post:27505976-efc5-48d5-b6f7-6d170a03b5b6">Re: I feel stupid for being sad about this.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ugh, that sucks.  Do you live far apart from each other?  Maybe they thought that you wouldn't go because of the distance?  Also, I find it weird that they didn't RSVP back for your wedding, isn't that bad etiquette wise?  I would let things wind down for them post-wedding and then maybe e-mail him to just check in.  From there maybe you could feel things out.  If he replies with a: "we should all get together" type of e-mail then maybe he just assumed you wouldn't come to the wedding.  If he replies back with some general stuff or doesn't at all, then there's a problem. Were other mutual friends invitied?
    Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]

    He moved to a different part of the country altogether after he finished school, but they got married back in the same town we went to college in.  He's lost touch, I know, with a lot of friends from back then, but I do know at least one mutual friend who was invited.  hmmm.
  • That's weird that the one friend was invited.  I can't figure that out for the life of me.  Also, I agree 100% with your PP it's hard to lose a friend.  I just posted a topic about an old friend of mine and my last post said that it's like breaking up with a guy lol. 

     Wedding Countdown Ticker




    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
  • CASK85CASK85 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-feel-stupid-for-being-sad-about-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3a85561-2af2-465d-8f11-1d4b54a3cd22Post:ea8e0c85-bba0-4922-91a9-c62807f6006e">I feel stupid for being sad about this.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just found out that a good friend from college got married last weekend. I knew he was engaged, and I really like his wife.  I think they're great together and I'm really happy for them, but it makes me a little sad that I wasn't invited to the wedding.  I didn't even know it was happening already.  When I first saw the status change, I thought maybe they eloped, but from the pictures it looks like they had at least an average-sized wedding. I haven't had much contact with him since college, to be fair, but I did count him among my best friends before we moved to different parts of the country.  I still keep in touch with him through FB and stuff.  I miss him, and I thought he missed me. I feel like he's mad at me or something.  I invited him and his now-wife to my wedding, and they didn't even RSVP.  I found out through a mutual friend that they wouldn't make it.  This, combined with the sneakattack (from my perspective) wedding makes me feel like he's mad at me or something. I'm just going to leave a note saying "congratulations" on his wall and be done with it, but it's eating at my insides a little bit.  Anybody have any perspective to share?
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I'm sorry, Elle. I know it can hurt to not be invited to a wedding. One of my very good friends from high school married one of my very good friends from college this summer (and I introduced them!) and I still didn't get an invite. That stung a little, but I understand and am still so happy for them. </div><div>
    </div><div>And I'm not sure why your friend wouldn't at least extend the courtesy of RSVP to your wedding (although several of my close friends neglected to RSVP to our wedding and I had to pester them via FB and email). Etiquette is lost on some people. </div><div>
    </div><div>But I can say that when we were making our guest list, some people that were very very close to me in college didn't make the cut because we weren't as close as we once were, and DH and I  needed to make room in our budget/venue for people who are important to us at this stage of our lives. So if you're not as close as you once were, maybe they had a hard line of "haven't seen/talked in over a year (6 months, etc, whatever) equals no invite. KWIM? </div><div>
    </div><div>Don't take it too personally. xoxo 

    </div>
  • I'm sorry you're feeling sad, Elle.  That sucks that you weren't aware he was getting married until you saw the pics on FB.

    FWIW, when we get a wedding invite from one of H's friends, it is his responsibility to fill out the RSVP and send it back.  He always forgets (as do I - they're not my friends) and ends up sending the RSVP late or not at all.  I think it's a guy thing, so I wouldn't be too upset that he didn't RSVP to your wedding.

    As for him not inviting you his wedding, I agree with what Chiano said.  It's hard to make those cuts/choices with the guest list, but they have to be done.

    I would try to not take it too personally.  *hugs*
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • I'm pretty sure you guys are right.  They had to cut their guest list somewhere, and I know we haven't been close in a few years, so it makes sense that I was left out.  I was just letting the lack of RSVP compound my feelings and worrying needlessly.

    I sent him a short message saying congrats and wishing them every happiness, and he responded quickly and friendly-ly (friendlyly?) so I'm feeling a little better now.
  • I'm glad you're feeling better, Elle! 
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
  • I'm glad he responded right away and that you are feeling better.  I agree with what cschiano said about having to make the cut somewhere.  We are still working on our guest list but I know college friends that I have been out of contact with aren't going to make the cut.  Of course the college friends that I am still close with will be invited. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-feel-stupid-for-being-sad-about-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3a85561-2af2-465d-8f11-1d4b54a3cd22Post:71f436c2-15d9-4de8-bb25-5d0e68960f84">Re: I feel stupid for being sad about this.</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I could be super totally off base here, but was there ever any sexual tension between you guys, even just from his end? Or could his now-wife ever have been intimidated in the slightest about your relationship? I have been left off the wedding invitation list of a few college guy friends because their significant others weren't cool with their having close female friends, even when we'd had no romantic past. I won't get into whether I agree or disagree with this, but I think it can happen more often than we think. So just throwing out that possibility.
    Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

    This thought crossed my mind as well.


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-feel-stupid-for-being-sad-about-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3a85561-2af2-465d-8f11-1d4b54a3cd22Post:52487681-0738-4887-8737-81ed322650e0">Re: I feel stupid for being sad about this.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I feel stupid for being sad about this. : This thought crossed my mind as well.
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

    Plus Elle is hot.
  • I was totally thinking along the same lines as Liv, Beth, and Jen.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-feel-stupid-for-being-sad-about-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3a85561-2af2-465d-8f11-1d4b54a3cd22Post:9ded97b6-8c61-4ee3-a36c-6c429034859e">Re: I feel stupid for being sad about this.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to I feel stupid for being sad about this. : I'm sorry, Elle. I know it can hurt to not be invited to a wedding. One of my very good friends from high school married one of my very good friends from college this summer (and I introduced them!) and I still didn't get an invite. That stung a little, but I understand and am still so happy for them.  And I'm not sure why your friend wouldn't at least extend the courtesy of RSVP to your wedding (although several of my close friends neglected to RSVP to our wedding and I had to pester them via FB and email). Etiquette is lost on some people. <strong> But I can say that when we were making our guest list, some people that were very very close to me in college didn't make the cut because we weren't as close as we once were, and DH and I  needed to make room in our budget/venue for people who are important to us at this stage of our lives. So if you're not as close as you once were, maybe they had a hard line of "haven't seen/talked in over a year (6 months, etc, whatever) equals no invite. </strong>KWIM?  Don't take it too personally. xoxo 
    Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]

    I was thinking this. Friends are hard to let go of, that's for sure. :/
    image Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_i-feel-stupid-for-being-sad-about-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3a85561-2af2-465d-8f11-1d4b54a3cd22Post:71f436c2-15d9-4de8-bb25-5d0e68960f84">Re: I feel stupid for being sad about this.</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I could be super totally off base here, but was there ever any sexual tension between you guys, even just from his end? Or could his now-wife ever have been intimidated in the slightest about your relationship? I have been left off the wedding invitation list of a few college guy friends because their significant others weren't cool with their having close female friends, even when we'd had no romantic past. I won't get into whether I agree or disagree with this, but I think it can happen more often than we think. So just throwing out that possibility.
    Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]

    Yes.

    I didn't want to say it because I didn't want to come across sounding jealous of his marriage, but I'm not going to lie.

    I'm pretty sure we would have dated had we ever been single at the same time.  It didn't work out that way, and I'm not pining for any missed chances and I'm pretty sure he's not either.

    It is possible, in retrospect, that I drunkenly told him how cute his ass was at some point and just don't remember it now.  We used to drink together a lot...  Now I'm retroactively humiliated.
  • Haha!  Elle, not surprising that your friend might have been attracted to you.  That can still cause some weirdness, even years later.  I have found that to be true with a few of my guy friends as well.  I am glad to hear that your friend responded and you are feeling better.
    image

    image
  • I would think you got left off due to sexual tension. :/  That sucks but still try not to let it bother you too much. Life is about HP not going to other people's weddings.  ;)
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • :)

    Thanks ladies.  Hearing back from him really helped.  I just felt for a while like I was losing yet another friend and it was giving me a sick feeling, but I'm now I'm reasonably sure that's not the case.  I do wish he'd made it to my wedding though.  I miss him.
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