Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please

VarunaTT · October 2012

Well O-face, to be fair, I've called FB my own little dictatorship and have said I'll post whatever I want.

However, I don't think I've ever slammed one of my friends in a post on FB either. B/c, y'know, I"m not a 17 year old girl.

**O-Face** · October 2012

Exactly V. And if people don't want to read...unfollow or hide or whatever. But to be a big drama llama and start sh*t and not be accountable? JUVENILE.

VarunaTT · October 2012

Jewels, COME BACK NEXT WEEK AND TELL US WHAT HAPPENED!!!!

I hate it that we never find out what advice was taken, what happened, get the goods, etc.

dharmabunny · October 2012

Screw the dress. There's a big difference between "I dont like the way this dress looks on me, but I'll deal", "I look like a beached whale" and "I look like a whale, it's all your fault, you're doing this on purpose to make a big joke out of me"....and to broadcast in FB. Is this frenemy someone you even want in your life, let alone a wedding?

JewelsLCJS · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:241d88d3-dced-41e3-808e-84b57bf8d158">Re:Maid of Honor Troubles Advice Please</a>:
[QUOTE]Screw the dress. There's a big difference between "I dont like the way this dress looks on me, but I'll deal", "I look like a beached whale" and "I look like a whale, it's all your fault, you're doing this on purpose to make a big joke out of me"....and to broadcast in FB. Is this frenemy someone you even want in your life, let alone a wedding?
Posted by dharmabunny[/QUOTE]

<div>LOL I agree there is a difference. I told her if she would have come to me that would hav ebeen fine... and I sent out emails WITH THE dress and she never responded.. her answer "wel i didn't know it was THAT dress"</div><div>
</div><div>and when i told her she had said "put me in whatever you want" she said she assumed that i would take into account her 18 size and large bust... that is what i was trying to do! I got one with straps and boobns that can be altered to give more coverage! How was I supposed to know she hates chiffon if she never commented? EVERY DRESS I sent was chiffon.</div>

JewelsLCJS · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:241d88d3-dced-41e3-808e-84b57bf8d158">Re:Maid of Honor Troubles Advice Please</a>:
[QUOTE]Screw the dress. There's a big difference between "I dont like the way this dress looks on me, but I'll deal", "I look like a beached whale" and "I look like a whale, it's all your fault, you're doing this on purpose to make a big joke out of me"....and to broadcast in FB. Is this frenemy someone you even want in your life, let alone a wedding?
Posted by dharmabunny[/QUOTE]

<div>I am at work and she is texting with me and I just used that comparison.. that she didn't just say "i dn't like how it looks" but "it's all your fault and your doing it on purpos to make a joke out of me"</div>

VarunaTT · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:98095d22-3ce2-4a2d-b058-159126229963">Re: Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please</a>:
[QUOTE]no offense, but your friend doesn't sound 30. she kind of sounds like she sucks
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is where I'm landing now. I was giving her the benefit of a doubt b/c I thought that was a sweetheart neckline and as a large busted lady myself, those don't work for me. But a halter top neckline can (and be quite attractive w/out being all poke-out-your-eye-boobage), with some alternations.

</div>

VarunaTT · October 2012

No texting, please. This needs to be a sit-down, face-to-face, come to Jesus, real conversation.

The problem began with posts, you're going to continue it with texts.

"I'd like to meet to discuss this. I'm available X times, when are you?"

thurmanpowell · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:d0614e3a-91ea-415e-a18d-8ac95db431a2">Re: Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please</a>:
[QUOTE]She's not kicking her out. OP stated that this woman has said if the bride wants that dress for her wedding party, she'd rather not be in the wedding. I don't get this. At some point, the wedding is suppose to actually be about the bride and groom and their wants, not all the damn wedding party and guests. Sure, be nice and don't inconvenience them, but 4 OTHER WOMEN were fine with this dress. <strong> If it was so important to this woman to have dress choice, she should've made time.</strong>
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

THIS. I say just let it go. Tell her where and what to order and what deadline the store recommends then don't mention it to her again. She'll show up with a dress or she won't but you'll just stress yourself out further by worrying about it.

JewelsLCJS · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:98eb1728-efc7-4c38-b7a9-f3f254d8df43">Re: Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please</a>:
[QUOTE]No texting, please. This needs to be a sit-down, face-to-face, come to Jesus, real conversation. The problem began with posts, you're going to continue it with texts. "I'd like to meet to discuss this. I'm available X times, when are you?"
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

<div>I would love to - but we can't. She works nights and weekends, I work a regular 9-5. I have seen her twice in 2 years and we live 30 minutes apart. She showed up to my trying on MY dresses two hours late, and I was already done... I mean - I do call but I get the text "in a show" or "in rehearsal"... and if she calls.. I'm at work....</div>

brittany634 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:8736916b-f533-442b-87c6-bbfaaa09162d">Re:Maid of Honor Troubles Advice Please</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Maid of Honor Troubles Advice Please: The only time to "kick out a bridesmaid" is when they refuse to buy a dress. Thats what this BM is doing. You tell them when to get it and if they don't buy it at that point they aren't in the bridal party. If they want to be a reader, like PP suggested, that's fine, no financial commitment to a dress.
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

Now we know why you don't post on the Etiquitte boards. You'd get eaten alive.

jennylee813 · October 2012

I might be missing the obvious here, but she's clearly upset about her own marriage ending. Maybe you should talk about that first. Don't talk about the wedding, or dresses or deadlines. Work on your friendship and THEN deal with the wedding. Being in a bridal party, or hearing you talk about your wedding is just a very painful reminder to her of what she's losing. Maybe she won't be ready to stand next to you on your wedding day, but maybe she will - neither of you will know that until the time comes.

Be a friend first.

VarunaTT · October 2012

Friendship is a 2 way street. I don't get why OP, who is on a deadline and who sounds like she's tried to be reasonable, needs to suck it up to be a friend. Why can't friend suck it up and be nice to someone who is happy? Yeah, it's hard, I get that. But for a friend, YOU DO IT. And if you've agreed to be in someone's wedding, your minimal agreement is to buy the damn dress and show up at the ceremony. And this "friend" doesn't want to hold up to her minimal agreement.

Friend has offered OP way out. OP should take it and bid sayonara to this poison.

jennylee813 · October 2012

Do you know how hard it really is, when your own world is crashing down? Some people can suck it up, but some can't. All I'm saying is that maybe OP could put that into perspective. I'm not saying that her friend is right, I think she's acting like a junior high girl. But that's irrelevant.

When my marriage ended it was a very dark and depressing time in my life. I went through the motions of day-to-day life. the first wedding I went to after the split was a disaster and I left in tears. It does get easier, and maybe OPs friend will get past it in time for the wedding.

And I do agree that OP has been a friend and given an out, but I'm suggesting that her friend needs a FRIEND more than anything else right now. Maybe her friend isn't poison, she's just going through the worst thing she's ever had to deal with and is having a tough time coping.

VarunaTT · October 2012

I don't disagree with you about friend isn't dealing and it's hard. However at some point, OP cannot continue to put her plans for this wedding on hold to deal with friend's emotions re: OP's wedding. The dresses HAVE to be ordered, period. They HAVE to be ordered by the end of this week, period.

Just b/c friend couldn't deal with dress issue before now (and then chose to deal with it in a terrible, immature and public manner), doesn't change those two facts. I just don't think OP should be required to continue jumping through hoops and bending over backwards for this issue. At some point, you just have to take care of things and people's emotions over the facts are no longer relevant.

jennylee813 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:5cf39fba-ef90-43e7-b812-04a29f61b7bf">Re: Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't disagree with you about friend isn't dealing and it's hard. However at some point, OP cannot continue to put her plans for this wedding on hold to deal with friend's emotions re: OP's wedding. The dresses HAVE to be ordered, period. They HAVE to be ordered by the end of this week, period. Just b/c friend couldn't deal with dress issue before now (and then chose to deal with it in a terrible, immature and public manner), doesn't change those two facts. I just don't think OP should be required to continue jumping through hoops and bending over backwards for this issue. At some point, you just have to take care of things and people's emotions over the facts are no longer relevant.
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

I agree with everything that you're saying. If it was me in OP's situation, I would leave the friend alone and hope that she chooses to put her past behind her and stand with me at my wedding. The friend has the info to place the order, whether or not she chooses to do so will depend entirely on her. (and I also agree that the friend is being very immature and I would almost bet that she's not going to place the order)

If I was OP, I'd leave well enough alone and not mention anything wedding related. I'm betting that if the 'friend' is just looking to stir up trouble and be an immature brat, she'll soon be bringing up the wedding herself. But if she's really hurting and not coping with her divorce well, she'll appreciate not having to talk about weddings until she's handling things a little better.

JewelsLCJS · October 2012

UPDATE-

Another day another discussion... I called her last night.. she dind't answer.. she is texting me again today that she wants me to go with her next weekend to look at dresses. I told her I don't know about that and I feel bullied. She says "I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm the one who's feelings have been deeply hurt and yet I'm the one trying to find a solution"

I understand she has been going through a tough time, but divorce talk isn't new.. it has been going on 3 years of their 3.5 year marriage.. and they broke up multiple times during the engagement.

Honestly - I have felt bullied and backed into a corner our entire friendship... but I am a people pleaser and I don't like to rock the boat so I always took the easy way out- so that is my fault. I guess the fact that this is my wedding finally gave me the courage to stand up for myself.

I have offered a shawl or jacket option, but all she keeps saying now is she feels like I don't want her in the wedding and I am diong it out of obligation...I can't spend the next 6 months reassuring her.. My Dad has Alzheimer's and sometimes remembers me, sometimes doesn't, my sister has Aspberger's and is a bridesmaid. I have arranged the wedding and the venue around their needs and disabilities as well as having care arranged for the both of them. I'm doing my best.. I can't please everyone.... I'm just exhausted.

Sorry - pity party over!

jennylee813 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_maid-of-honor-troubles-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:4d1ee09b-e43b-416c-bccf-6561ebfcffa2Post:d0aeab3f-8651-477a-a680-5598d75e7821">Re: Maid of Honor Troubles- Advice Please</a>:
[QUOTE]UPDATE- Another day another discussion... I called her last night.. she dind't answer.. she is texting me again today that she wants me to go with her next weekend to look at dresses. I told her I don't know about that and I feel bullied. She says "I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm the one who's feelings have been deeply hurt and yet I'm the one trying to find a solution" I understand she has been going through a tough time, but divorce talk isn't new.. it has been going on 3 years of their 3.5 year marriage.. and they broke up multiple times during the engagement. Honestly - I have felt bullied and backed into a corner our entire friendship... but I am a people pleaser and I don't like to rock the boat so I always took the easy way out- so that is my fault. I guess the fact that this is my wedding finally gave me the courage to stand up for myself. I have offered a shawl or jacket option, but all she keeps saying now is she feels like I don't want her in the wedding and I am diong it out of obligation...I can't spend the next 6 months reassuring her.. My Dad has Alzheimer's and sometimes remembers me, sometimes doesn't, my sister has Aspberger's and is a bridesmaid. I have arranged the wedding and the venue around their needs and disabilities as well as having care arranged for the both of them. I'm doing my best.. I can't please everyone.... I'm just exhausted. Sorry - pity party over!
Posted by JewelsLCJS[/QUOTE]

Okay, well this puts things in persective for me. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt wherever possible and not rock the boat, so I totally get what you've been doing. But it sounds like you've reached your breaking point.

You've already picked the dress, and the rest of the girls have agreed. She needs to suck it up, not pressure you to pick something different for her. It sounds like this has been going on for a long time (her pushing until she gets her own way). Call her bluff. Tell her that's the dress - you've offered a shawl or jacket - she can take it or leave it.

If she takes it, she'll realize that you're not someone she can walk over anymore, and if she leaves it, you know that she wasn't much of a friend to begin with, and you'll be better off.

VarunaTT · October 2012

I guess you have one thing to decide here:

Are you okay with her picking out another dress?

YES: I've seen weddings where the BMs/MOHs did same color/fabric and it was fine, though not my style. (She's already stated she hates chiffon, so IDK how far this'll get you). If the answer is yes, tell her she has to pick same color, same fabric, same designer (b/c you'll have fabric/color differences through designers), but any dress he wants. That's the compromise and it has to be done THIS weekend b/c of ordering necessities. Put the onus on her.

NO: "I'm sorry, but I've looked at enough dresses with enough people to know this is my decision. I can add a jacket or a shawl for you if you would feel more comfortable. I'm sorry that we can't come to another arrangment. I want you in the wedding as my MOH, but if you'd rather step down than wear the dress I picked out for my wedding, I'll understand and look forward to seeing you as a guest."

And that is the end of the conversation. I would seriously ignore any other texts re: wedding talk from her. If you want to keep her as a friend, i would continue to chat with her re: other things in her life and keep in touch with her.

NOLABridesmaid · October 2012

Is this still going on?

JewelsLCJS · October 2012

Update

As Jennylee said - I called her bluff. I told her I loved her and she was my best friend, I would never ask anyone out of obligation and if she feels that way that is on her not me. She needs to handle that. I've picked this dress, it is what I want... I am completely fine with her getting a shawl or jacket of some kind in the same color and if that is not acceptable... then I don't know what else to say.

After a lot of nothing.. and lot of saying her feelings are hurt.. I didn't respond to any of it.. she finally said she thinks it was just a misunderstanding and she is totally ok with shawl.. she didn't know it was an option! (right)

Whatever - I know weddings are stressful times for everyone involved and I don't want to make any rash decisions. I would rather just let it be at this point, she can have a shawl... sadly now the other girls are uncomfortable because althought they don't know her- they are facebook friends due to wedding/bridal shower/bachelorette planning and they saw all her negative posts. I just hope in the next 6 months it calms down.

Thanks to all for listening!Sometimes you just need to talk to another bride!:)

jennylee813 · October 2012

Glad it worked out, and I hope that she realizes that you're not someone to be walked over. Friendship works two ways, or not at all! Some people will try to push and push until you push back.

I'm happy for you!

ash273uk · October 2012

WOW. I have been in at least 10 weddings. I've loved some of my BM dresses and I've hated some of them. But my opinion of the dresses wasn't important. If the bride picked it, I wore it. End of story. My bridesmaids gave me the same courtesy when it came to my wedding.
OP - I'm sorry your MOH has been such a pain in your a** about this. You have gotten some good advice on here and I think you've handled the situation in the best way possible. I'm just shocked that someone would be this selfish and childish. I hope her attitude changes, as it sounds like you don't need any extra (un-needed) stress.

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