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Not sure who to choose for bridesmaids

kristin183kristin183
First Comment
in Moms and Maids
I am having the thoughest time choosing my bridesmaids... (I love to many people..lol)
I am really at a transition in my life. 2 years ago my fiance and I moved to New Mexico from Nevada. I have a great group of friends here and have been getting closer to my friends here everyday. I have a few friends that I was really close with when I moved although we still talk every once in a while through facebook, I feel we have drifted apart just a little. They will always be my friends but they have all taken different paths in their lives.. One went off to med school and sort of has her own new group of friends. The other has had 2 kids and  has her group of mom friends... like I said we have all drifted in our own ways. So I am torn... do I ask my old friends who 2 years ago I would have asked hands down... but we are not as close today or my new friends who I am getting closer with all the time.

I asked my mom for help and she said your heart will tell you... well I am still struggling.. anyone have any advice?
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Re: Not sure who to choose for bridesmaids

  • ShakeUpTampaShakeUpTampa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Can you ask all four? If you really love them all that much then it is fine to ask all of them. Someone still may decline due to cost or distance.
    Nichole Tampa, FL BabyFetus Ticker
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  • kristin183kristin183
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well my fiance has 3 groomsmen... and his good is going to be our wedding officiant (but kind of a double duty.. as a groomsman too)

    I already have my maid of honor who has been my best friend since I was little.
    I have 3 here in New Mexico... and one of them I want to ask for sure.. so I already have 2 lined up. So I guess I am deciding on the other 2 bridesmaids... old friends or new friends...

    I know they say you can have more bridesmaids than groomsmen but that would put me at 6 bridesmaids standing in my line which would be double what my fiance has next to him which is too weird to me.

    and I already have my step sisters as honory attendents who will be helping my nephew (ring bearer) down the aisle as he is in a wheel chair.

    I just think it would be too much.. essential 8 girls in dresses..for me... when my fiance has 4
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  • ShakeUpTampaShakeUpTampa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm going to just say it again. Make up your mind then as we can't tell you who you love more or you want posed photos with for the rest of your life. No harm in uneven sides.
    Nichole Tampa, FL BabyFetus Ticker
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  • kristin183kristin183
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Please read my post before you respond. I am not asking you to tell me who I love more.  No where in my post does it ask this question. Why would I ask random strangers to make that decision for me?

    I am wondering what others have done or if anyone else has been in this situation. I am a smart girl I know this is my decision to make... but I posted on the boards to get advice from others not someone telling me to just make up my mind. If it was that easy I would not be posting on this board...

    So to those who actually would like to help? has anyone been in a similar situation? or how did you decide who you wanted in your line?

    Just asking for guidance... not wanting you to acutally chose for me.

    Thanks
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  • acejunketacejunket
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you had an emergency at 3am, who would you call?  That's your answer.
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  • ShakeUpTampaShakeUpTampa member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-sure-choose-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3edab225-2575-4a71-8925-b74bf522b37aPost:3898ec90-e90a-4a4b-bece-19e030ce4c5a">Re: Not sure who to choose for bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]Please read my post before you respond. I am not asking you to tell me who I love more.  No where in my post does it ask this question. Why would I ask random strangers to make that decision for me? I am wondering what others have done or if anyone else has been in this situation. I am a smart girl I know this is my decision to make... but I posted on the boards to get advice from others not someone telling me to just make up my mind. If it was that easy I would not be posting on this board... So to those who actually would like to help? has anyone been in a similar situation? or how did you decide who you wanted in your line? Just asking for guidance... not wanting you to acutally chose for me. Thanks
    Posted by kristin183[/QUOTE]

    Calm down it's not that serious. As the other poster said it's who you know is there for you. If all four are there for you then all four. If one from each area is then one of each. We don't know these females, we don't know what you consider close. Some of my closests friends told me long ago they would rather be a guest and watch then to be in a bridal party (mostly do to travels or cost or even that they don't like the attention or eyes on them) You are making it out to be more than it is. This is a public forum anyone can reply. I'm not trying to be snarky nor say you don't love the other girls, I was taking what you wrote and giving you the overall view that you can have 10 and he can have one next to him. Just look at 27 dresses (the movie) It's not life or death. Just make sure you chose who you TRUST and really do care about because a lot of girls come back to the boards whining about wanting to kick someone out.
    Nichole Tampa, FL BabyFetus Ticker
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  • kristin183kristin183
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Honestly you were being snarky as I said AGAIN I didn't want you to chose for me.. but that has been your point the whole time. Which is why I responded as I did. I am looking for guidance and my bridesmaids are a big deal to me. My wedding is a big deal to me.. so choosing the right people is also important.


    Yes, anyone can post on the board but you would think common courtesy would be in play before making snide remarks. Just don't respond if that is what you are going to do. No one on the boards wants that... everyone is just looking for a little advice.


    The other post was great advice! Thanks!
    that's what I was looking for... thanks acejunket.
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  • nannewmurnannewmur member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    If you only speak to them on FB on occassion, to me you are not close now and your attendants should be those who are special to you.  Consider where the wedding is and would it impose a financial harship to travel and the expenses involved with being in a wedding.  I don't mean this catty, but if you expect your attendants to be very involved, being in another location would definitely limit involvement.  As a pp said, don't have to ask anyone now.  I would ask in Oct since your wedding is in June for the simple reason it may take someone a little time to figure things out if travel is involved.

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  • kristin183kristin183
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for your advice.

    and I do not feel I was being rude ... If I did get defensive to a rude comment I apologize this is the only thing I have been stressing about for my wedding. It wasn't that I did not like the answer, is it was not what I had asked so I was clarifying. Saying "I am going to say it again" and "make up your mind" was rude and "we can't chose for you" was not what I had asked.

    My response to her post was not rude. I asked her to "please" read what I had posted as I wanted real advice not snide comments thrown at me.

    Also telling me it is not a big in the response was also rude to me. Most brides I know take their wedding very seriously.
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  • ADTonkADTonk
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-sure-choose-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:3edab225-2575-4a71-8925-b74bf522b37aPost:3898ec90-e90a-4a4b-bece-19e030ce4c5a">Re: Not sure who to choose for bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Please read my post before you respond. I am not asking you to tell me who I love more.  No where in my post does it ask this question</strong>. Why would I ask random strangers to make that decision for me? I am wondering what others have done or if anyone else has been in this situation. I am a smart girl I know this is my decision to make... but I posted on the boards to get advice from others not someone telling me to just make up my mind. If it was that easy I would not be posting on this board... So to those who actually would like to help? has anyone been in a similar situation? or how did you decide who you wanted in your line? Just asking for guidance... not wanting you to acutally chose for me. Thanks
    Posted by kristin183[/QUOTE]

    People read between the lines with a lot of posts on this board.  Even if you don't come out and ask for advice on a particular situation, people will tell you anyway.  It's just what we all do. A lot of times it's what people need to hear. 

    No one on here can tell you what to do or who to choose.  You generally would choose the person who you would call at 3am if you needed something.  It's okay to have uneven sides and people from different groups of friends.  If the decision is that hard for you, maybe you should choose all of them.
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  • StephieBowStephieBow member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    People can get snarky. You'll get a backbone around here for it eventually, sometimes I think people don't notice that they are being a certain way or how certain things come off when they are written. Smile

    I had to choose between new friends and old friends.  This is how I did it, and it did create drama but what can ya do?  I had a pool of 10 girls I am close to and all from very different aspects of my life.

    1 family member - FIs Sister
    1 friend from childhood
    1 friend from high school
    1 friend from university
    1 friend unrelated to education

    Good luck!  Even if it doesn't feel "right" sometimes because people make you feel bad about it, it can still the right decision FOR YOU.
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  • jonekajoneka member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with StephieBow....also I would choose them according to whom Im close to now...because they know the now you...and can help you to make decisions. I would think the rest would be happy to be a guest and celebrate with you and your fiance, they are still part of your big day. I dont think the sides have to be even..you can have one guy walk with two girls.

    I know its frustrating that sometimes people dont realize that they dont answer your question and thats the whole point of being on here. I have a bridesmaid post on here also..and they didnt answer my question either..just told me to wait...ugh...Im still going to have the same problem 6 months from now...so it wasnt much of a help...At the end of the day..it boils down to you have to do whats right for YOU...I know you want to make a decision now so you can stop stressing about this particular situation. Good Luck
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  • kristin183kristin183
    First Comment
    edited December 2011


    Open Boards fine.. but In all seriousness no one posts to the boards to get ridiculed or put down. That was my point. Say what you want... fine.. but I think we can all agree to be respectful to people's posts and issues. Retreadbride I was not telling anyone how to talk only clarifying what I was asking... Yes we are adults and I can disagree with you, our opinions of rudeness are obviously different and I can respect that. However, others have also agreed the comments were rude.  I am not a rude person.. actually pretty easy going.. but I have one thing that has been stressing me out and it is this it. As I stated in a previous post I did get defensive and I did apologize for that and I do agree the responses I am getting ....IS good advice :) I really appreciate all of it.

    On another note.
     Maybe I felt obligated to pick sooner as I had a friend ask me a year out and my fiance has already asked all his groomsmen.. I know I have to time... which is what I should probably do. I really thank those that gave respectful and honest advice! It is comforting to know that you would post and offer your words of wisdom! again THANK YOU! Laughing
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  • jenn&chadjenn&chad member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I think it's fine to choose BMs a year in advance, especially when your BMs might have to travel to the wedding, bachlorette party etc.  I choose my BMs the day after I got engaged so technically 1.5 years ahead (although we hadn't chosen our date yet). 

    I am in a similar situation.  I moved across the country 2 years ago and I have friends at home that I still keep in contact with on facebook and when we visit.  I also have friends here where I live now.  We are having the wedding at home so we will be traveling.  For BMs I knew who they would be right away.  My BFF who I've known for a long time, we've always talked even though we don't live close.  And my other BMs are my 3 cousins who I grew up with, they live far away but we talk on the phone/email and keep in touch.  So I ended up choosing neither friends from home or friends here. 

    Just remember that it doesn't have to be a competition between who you love more.  And you won't hurt anyone's feelings.  I know as a result of choosing BMs who are far away they will probably be less involved in helping me with things or planning parties for me, but I don't care about that.  The only thing I want them to do is stand with me on the most important day of my life.  And celebrate with me afterwards.  I love them and I want/need them there with me.  Take the wedding off the table and think about who you need with you.  Who really knows you and who do you love?  And don't worry about even sides or wedding aesthetics. 

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  • shopgrl3177shopgrl3177
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you think these girls are all close friends then ask them all.  Don't worry about uneven numbers, it's perfectly fine.  I have 6 BMs and FI has 7 GM.  I originally wanted a small wedding party, but I couldn't choose between several close friends.  Go with your heart and trust your instincts.  It's your day and you can ask whoever you want.  Good luck to you!
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  • kristin183kristin183
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You all are so great for sharing your advice!
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  • Skittles612Skittles612
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You could ask some friends to be personal attendents as well.  They would have an important job and would be included in much of the wedding process.  They would still feel like an important part of your wedding.  Good Luck! I'm sure you will make the best decision for yourself. :)
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  • jmucheech21jmucheech21 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Personally, if they matter that much to you, I would ask them all!!!

    I grew up in NJ, went to college in VA, and moved to FL 4 years ago.  My best friends from NJ are just that, my very best friends in the whole wide world.  I don't talk to them much.. maybe once every few months.. and I see them twice a year when I visit home.  But, these are the girls I turn to when my world feels like it is falling apart.  They are the people who have loved me for 15 years and I know I can count on for anything..

    Then, I have my best friend from college.  Again, we talk every few months, see eachother maybe once a year, but again, whenever things are hard and we need someone to talk to, we are there for eachother.  She experienced college life with me... which is something I feel safe in saying is a whole other part of you that no one else really ever knows or understands!  It was highly important to me that she be a part of my wedding.

    Then I have my best girlfriends from the last 4 years of my life, my FL chapter.  These are the girls I see every weekend and even saw every day for my first 3 years down here as we all worked together.  My fiance also worked with us, so they are the part of my friends that have seen my fiance and I grow together and have been their to support our relationship even when a lot of others wanted to judge it (he had been recently divorced.. raised lots of eye brows..)..

    I have my sister, who of course will be my best friend for my life.. and my soon-to-be step daughter who has become one of the most important things in my life..

    I couldn't choose.  All these girls may be from different chapters, but they all make the book that is me complete.  I couldn't imagine beginning the newest part of my book without them being a part of it.  They (along with my fiance and my family) make me whole and I simply cannot choose between them.  No one is more or less important.. they have all been my world at different parts of my life and all continue to be a part of it today.

    My fiance has 6 groomsmen, I have 10 bridesmaids.. sure, it won't look perfect, things may seem uneven, and we'll have to be a little creative to make our pictures look great.. but you know what?  That's our lives!!!  Our lives aren't always perfect... sometimes things seem really uneven.. and sometimes we have to work hard to make things look great!!

    I'm sorry if this post is too long, but, I just wanted to point out, we all have chapters.  Just because some were in chapter 1 and some are with us now in chapter 10 doesn't necessarily make them any more or less important.  I know you'll figure it out. 

    Best of luck and happy planning!!!!
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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_not-sure-choose-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3edab225-2575-4a71-8925-b74bf522b37aPost:c1337e52-b5d8-47d5-b808-00a25a161ad6">Re: Not sure who to choose for bridesmaids</a>:
    [QUOTE]You could ask some friends to be personal attendents as well.  They would have an important job and would be included in much of the wedding process.  They would still feel like an important part of your wedding.  Good Luck! I'm sure you will make the best decision for yourself. :)
    Posted by Skittles612[/QUOTE]

    Please don't do that.  Personal attendants are the ones who knew they didn't make the bridesmaid cut and they are gophers.  There is no honor in being a personal assistant, it is a crap job.

    Kristin - while I am a big fan of waiting until closer to your wedding to chose your wedding party I would like to offer this:  read thru this board and go way back.  You are going to find many posts from brides who want to kick someone out of the bridal party (and they almost always chose them too early) because "they just aren't that close" anymore.

    Good luck.
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